Chapter 37
Ainsley
Present
I unfold the piece of paper Landon hands me.
My heart free falls into my stomach the instant I’m met with the small, neat handwriting filling the page.
My father’s handwriting.
My hand trembles. “What is this?”
Landon presses a soft kiss to my temple. “Just read it, and I’ll explain.”
I blink to clear my watery vision, and take a deep breath before reading the letter...
Dear Landon,
If you’re reading this, it means I’ve passed away.
Or maybe you didn’t want to wait to find out what was in the envelope I gave you, and you’re reading it in the high school parking lot.
Either way, I want you to know a few things.
I know you’re not on speaking terms with my daughter, but hopefully you’ll give a dead man some time.
My daughter is a fierce girl. Always has been.
She refused to wait for her mother’s due date to come into this world, and she’s been raising hell ever since.
You’ve been on the receiving end of that fire she has, and you’ve been the only one strong enough to withstand the flames.
You stoke them, in fact, and you don’t try to contain them.
I told her to promise me that she won’t ever let anyone put out her fire, because I know there will be people in this world who try.
You’ve been good for her. I’ve seen a change as you two grew closer over the years.
She’s always been a bit hardened since she lost her mom, and now she’s losing me.
But watching the way she cared for you these last few years has given me hope that she’ll still let people in, despite how much she’s lost.
I know you’re angry with her. I know right now it feels like you’ll never be able to forgive her, because you feel betrayed, and your emotions are still raw.
But in time, that wound will close up. In time, the anger will subside.
And one day, you might even come to see things from her perspective.
All I ask is that you come back to her at some point and give her this letter.
Let my last dying wish be the thing that tethers you to her, so you can both figure out a way to forgive each other, and let go of the pain that haunts you.
Therapy has helped me to accept a lot of this bullshit diagnosis I’ve been handed. Maybe it can help you after everything you’ve been through with your father. Regardless, I hope you find your way past it, and heal.
Don’t give up on Ainsley. And tell her not to give up on herself.
With Love,
Robert Morgan
Tears stream down my face as my shoulders shake with my sobs. I clutch the letter to my chest as if it’ll blow away, as if I’m holding my father in my arms again.
“How...how long have you had this?” I ask.
Landon cradles the back of my head as he pulls me against his chest, enveloping me in his warm embrace. “Graduation.”
I melt into him as my mind reels from this letter. “And you’ve held onto it all this time?”
“Of course,” he whispers. “Your father asked me to bring this to you. I knew one day, I’d have to make good on it.
” Landon pulls back and cups my face, swiping away my tears with his thumbs.
“I took his advice, and I went to therapy. I had a lot to work through, and it took me some time. But when my mother finally let my father go, I knew I’d end up right here, back in this town, handing you this letter. ”
I choke back a sob. “I’m so glad you’re here.”
Somehow, my father knew. He knew me better than I knew myself. I wish he was here so I could thank him for this. He brought Landon back, and healed a part of my past that had been festering like an infected wound all these years.
Sitting in this house I love, with the man I love, I’m grateful.
“I had no idea he wrote this.” I wipe my eyes with the backs of my hands. “When did you read it for the first time?”
“I opened it on your birthday the following year.”
My eyebrows jump. “Why then?”
“I needed to let some time pass, and get settled into college.” He hikes a shoulder. “Then it was your birthday, and I found myself looking up your social media accounts to see what you were up to. And then I remembered the letter.”
I lean my head on his shoulder as I stare down at my father’s words. “Thank you for bringing this to me. It means a lot to have this.”
“Of course, baby.”
My eyes flick to the picture frame sitting on my nightstand. “Who would’ve known we’d be here now?”
Landon’s chest rises and falls with his deep breath. “Life took us on a detour.”
“Still is.” I grumble as I shift to get comfortable against the headboard. “I really hope I don’t lose my job.”
“I don’t think you will.” Landon flops onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. “Too many people support you. You’ve done so much good at that school to let it all get taken away by some crazy parent.”
I really hope he’s right.
I wake up in the middle of the night and slip out of bed without waking Landon.
Since being put on leave, I haven’t been able to sleep through the night. I toss and turn, waking from nightmares or strange dreams. The only thing that helps is going for a run.
I throw on a sweatshirt and shove my feet into my sneakers. Stepping out onto the porch, I close the door gently behind me.
“What are you doing up?”
My shoulders jump to my ears at the sound of Bernard’s gruff voice. “I could ask you the same thing.”
He rocks on his chair, Buddy lying at his feet. “Couldn’t sleep.”
“Same.” I jog down the steps and cross the lawn to his porch. “What’s keeping you up?”
“I’m old. What’s your excuse?”
I lower myself onto the matching chair beside him, and lean back to rock. “I don’t know who I am without lacrosse.”
The words tumble out of me, not waiting for permission.
Maybe I’m sleep-deprived, or maybe I miss my dad and need some advice from someone who has experienced life.
Bernard has been here with quiet support for a long time.
We don’t always have deep conversations, but we look out for each other.
He’s like a crotchety old grandfather I never had.
“I’ve always been athletic, but I think I took it to the next level where it became my whole life.” Buddy shifts on the porch and moves to set his head in my lap. I mindlessly stroke his soft fur while I think. “I had to be the best. Play the hardest. Win every game.”
Bernard folds his hands on his rotund belly. “Who said you had to?”
I toy with one of Buddy’s floppy ears. “I guess I did. It made my father happy, you know? He loved watching me play, and it felt like we had something to connect us.”
“You wanted his attention,” Bernard says.
I roll my lips between my teeth as I nod. “I distracted him from missing my mother. Then it became my distraction from missing him.”
“And now what it is distracting you from?”
“Being alone.”
Bernard nods. “Losing your parents is hard. But you don’t have to be alone. That’s a choice only you make.”
I rest my head on the back of the chair as I turn to look at him. “Do you look back on your life and regret anything?”
He heaves a sigh as he gazes at the night sky. Clouds shift over the moon, cloaking us in darkness until they pass. “I regret not enjoying the moments as they happen, always looking to the next thing and planning ahead.”
I stay quiet as he thinks.
“I regret the things I didn’t do.” He laughs to himself, like he’s remembering something. “Maybell wanted a porch swing. I told her we had rocking chairs and didn’t need a swing. She never pushed for it, but I should’ve given it to her. No reason not to. If she wanted it, why not?”
“Happy wife, happy life,” I say.
He smirks. “That Fletcher boy has been coming around a lot.”
“He has.”
“I like him.”
I laugh. “Why’s that?”
“He doesn’t come and go in the night like a creep. He helps you. And his mother’s a doll.”
“She is.” I bite my bottom lip to keep from smiling. “Is that why you sit out here in the middle of the night, to spy on me?”
“Someone’s gotta look out for you.” He scoffs. “Now that you’re with Landon, I can finally get some rest.”
I tilt my head back as I laugh. “You’re right. Your shit sleep is all my fault.”
Bernard leans forward and braces his hands on his knees as he moves to stand. “Stop running from everything. Go back in that house and go back to sleep. Let yourself settle for once.”
I press a kiss to the top of Buddy’s head before I head down the porch steps. “You’re a lot smarter than you look, old man.”
He chuckles his raspy laugh. “So are you. Now start acting like it.”