Chapter 34
Thirty-Four
I read the note several more times. This has to be a mistake.
Change of plans. Keep them alive.
Something happened. Something changed. “What is he thinking?” I cross the room to the fireplace and toss the paper in.
Anya grabs the poker and stokes the fire until the paper is nothing but ashes.
I stare at the flames as I repeat his note over and over: Change of plans. Keep them alive.
She returns the poker to its place. “I asked him that when he gave me the note.”
“And? What did he say?” I glance over at her.
“He said there’s a plan.”
“But he wouldn’t tell you?”
Her shoulders slump. “They still don’t trust me.”
I ball my hands into fists. “After everything you did for them?”
She touches my arm. “It’s alright. I left. I’m not part of it anymore. They don’t have to trust me.”
“But you are. By coming here, you’re involved again,” I say.
“It’s not the same. I’m not here for them. I’m here for you. I might not be the fighter I was, but I’ve been getting better. I think I could do it again if I had to.”
“You don’t have to be. I’ve got this under control.” I sigh, then drop onto the couch. “At least I did.”
Anya sits next to me.
“Did he say anything else?” I ask.
“Just to tell you hello for him.” She rolls her eyes. “He’s still not over you.”
“He’s made that clear.” But he’s also a liar.
I look over at Anya. “Did you say anything to him about the emperor?”
“No.”
I rub my temples and walk in a slow circle. I wasn’t sent here to kill anyone, but then he changed his mind. Now we’re back to the original plan? But why? What was I still doing here if there’s a new plan?
The only reason I agreed to come here was to see the end of this reign.
What happens if I do it anyway? What happens if I disobey?
Technically, I left the rebellion. This whole thing is a favor.
And I truly thought this would be a one-way trip.
But now I don’t know what to do. I didn’t even get to tell Lee where the king’s rooms are. None of this makes any sense.
Anya’s watching me with concern etched into her brow. If I try something, and fail, they’ll torture her and kill her because of me. It’s no longer just my life on the line.
I fucked up. I should never have said anything about her to Brevan.
My heart aches, and my chest feels tight.
That is the other complication. I am falling for the enforcer, and the thought of betraying him is tearing me apart.
It shouldn’t. I’d already betrayed him by lying about who I really am.
There isn’t any future for us. If he found out the truth, he’d kill me.
If I continue this farce, I marry his friend.
It’s lose-lose.
“Tay?” Anya sets a gentle hand on my shoulder.
“You should call me Sabina,” I say. “They can’t find out you know the truth. If something happens, you swear to them that you thought I was her. That I fooled you.”
“I’m not letting you do this alone.” She takes my hand.
“You have to. Swear to me. If there’s a way to save yourself, you do it. Please.” My tone is pure desperation.
“If something goes wrong, we escape. Together.”
“I can’t leave while they’re alive. I stand out too much. Someone would find me and ship me back to them. Or to Iskvaland. This whole thing was a mistake.”
“You still want them dead, don’t you?” she asks.
“Of course I do. But it’s too risky. If I try, and I fail, they’ll come after you.”
“You’re forgetting I know how to take care of myself.”
Her hand is trembling slightly. A physical reminder of what she’s been through.
She left the rebellion a few days after I did.
She was away from the city when the attack on the Point happened.
I still don’t know the details of her mission, but for one of our best to walk away from the field, I know it must have been awful.
I can’t ask her to fight again. I can’t put her through that.
I set my hand on top of hers. “I’ll figure it out. Maybe Lee has something in mind. We’ll wait. The emperor and prince aren’t here anyway, so we can’t do anything right now.”
“Alright,” she says. “This is your mission now. I’ll follow your lead.”
“Stay with me tonight?” I’m afraid she’ll disappear if she leaves.
I can’t sleep. Anya snores softly next to me. I remember what it was like sleeping on a bed in the castle for the first time. So plush and pillowy it was impossible not to sleep. Now, it feels more like it might swallow me whole.
I hate the danger she’s in by joining me, but selfishly, I’m happy to see her.
I still can’t believe Brevan found her and brought her here. For me. Because I told him I was homesick. My chest feels tight. It’s the most thoughtful thing anyone’s ever done for me. Better than the knives. I don’t deserve his kindness.
The bed shakes a little as I crawl out, but Anya doesn’t stir. I tiptoe to the door and open it a crack. Brevan is at his post, so I step into the hall.
“Is something wrong?” He’s instantly alert, hand reaching for his sword.
“No, nothing’s wrong.”
His shoulders visibly relax.
“I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you enough for what you did for me.” I wrap my arms around myself as the guilt bubbles up. If he knew the truth, he’d hate me.
“I know how hard it is to live somewhere new.”
“Where are you from?” I ask, hopeful he’ll answer truthfully this time.
“Nowhere.”
“Everyone is from somewhere,” I say.
“It doesn’t matter. I’m here now,” he replies.
I nod and stop pushing. I have no right to ask him to divulge his past.
“Is your friend adjusting alright?”
“I think she’s thrilled she’s not sleeping in a drafty room tonight,” I say.
“Especially with the snow. It must remind you both of home.”
“It does. I used to love the snow. It was magical at night when the moon would turn it silver.” I’d stare out the window for hours when I was young to watch the snowfall. It wasn’t the same after we moved to the city.
“Come with me.” The smile on his face is playful. It’s an expression I haven’t seen on him before.
I hesitate, and glance behind me, knowing Anya is alone in my room.
“She’ll be safe,” he promises. “We’ve added more security since the last rebel attack.”
I’m still a little unsure, but I can’t resist his outstretched hand and the excited glint in his eyes. My heart thunders and reason tumbles from my mind. I’m grateful he can’t read my thoughts because I’d probably do just about anything to see him happy.
We enter a room near mine. It’s another bedroom, but all the furniture is covered in fabric. The stale air smells of dust.
“Whose room was this?” I ask.
“It used to be mine. I requested to move to more modest accommodations after I joined the legion. It didn’t feel right having so much when the others lived in the barracks.”
I can almost picture a young Brevan in this room, but the image is difficult to hold on to. I know very little about his childhood. Did he play with toys, or enjoy reading? Did he lounge on his bed, or fight Caiden with wooden swords?
I suspect that the change of rooms was also about that falling out. Giving him more distance from the prince.
Brevan throws open the drapes to reveal long windows. No, not windows, glass doors. He opens them, revealing a small balcony.
Cold winter air blows into the room, chilling me instantly. I should have grabbed a robe.
I pad over to the balcony, not caring that my feet are going to freeze on the cold metal.
Soft snowflakes fall onto my shoulders and stick in my lashes.
I reach out my hand and watch them land on my fingers.
Then I tilt back my head and open my mouth, letting the flakes fall on my tongue.
I laugh, reveling in the simplicity of the moment. I forgot what joy felt like.
Brevan chuckles, and to my surprise, he tilts his own head to catch flakes.
After he does, he laughs again, then looks over at me.
Snowflakes cling to his dark lashes, too, and stick to his hair.
He looks like a fairy king who belongs in an enchanted woodland, instead of a brooding legionnaire.
If only we’d met under other circumstances…
I turn away from him before I can let my mind finish that thought and lean against the icy railing. My fingers are freezing, but I don’t let go. The cold makes me feel more alive.
From here, I can see to the hedges that separate the castle grounds from the city. The expansive yard is covered in a blanket of sparkling white. The topiaries look like ghosts with their dusting of snow.
The moons are waxing crescents, but they give enough light for a sheen of silver to reflect off the fresh snow. “It’s beautiful. Thank you for bringing me here.”
When I look over, I find him staring at me instead of the landscape. He’s got a genuine smile on his lips, and he appears more relaxed and peaceful than I’ve ever seen.
“You’re right. It is magical in the moonlight.” His gaze is so intense, I know he’s not talking about the snow.
I’m certain my whole face is blushing. Good thing my cheeks were likely already pink from the cold. A shiver rakes my body, and I tighten my arms around myself.
“We should go back inside,” he says.
“No, I’m not ready yet.”
“Your lips are turning blue.”
“It’s just the moonlight.”
“So fucking stubborn.” He moves closer and wraps his arms around me. “I don’t have a coat to give you.”
I nestle into him, enjoying the warmth and the feel of his embrace. “This is better.”
We stand like that for a while, watching the snow fall on the desolate grounds below. I turn, so my chest presses against his. The moonlight makes him look softer. Younger, even. Like the world hasn’t chewed him up and spat him out. I wish he could be this relaxed all the time.
I reach up and rest my hand against the side of his face. My thumb brushes against his cheekbone, feeling his dark stubble.
He catches my wrist with his hand. “We can’t.”
“Why not?” It is cruel to both of us to keep my hand there, to wish for more, but I can’t stop myself. “When do we get to make a choice? Just once?”
His hand slides from my wrist, down my arm, to my neck. He tangles his fingers into my hair, then tilts my face toward his. “You are so fucking beautiful. If I were a better man, I’d walk away right now.”
“I don’t want you to be a better man.” Heat flares low in my belly, warming all of me. I’ve never felt like this about anyone. This man can ruin me, but I don’t care. I might want him to ruin me.
He removes his hand abruptly and takes a step back. He’s panting and closes his eyes. “You’re a princess. You deserve so much better.”
“Like Caiden?” I ask.
He opens his eyes. “See what I mean? You’re engaged, and here I am fantasizing about all the dirty things I want to do to you.”
I step closer to him. “Tell me.”
“Sabina.” My name is a warning.
I close the distance between us and press my palms to his chest. “Stop making excuses and kiss me.”
That was all he needed. He pulls me closer.
My breasts press against his chest, the thin fabric of my nightgown doing little to act as a barrier.
Then his lips crash into mine. The kiss is hungry and intense.
The pressure is brutal, then becomes enticingly gentle.
He slides a hand to the back of my head, his fingers tangling into my hair while he intensifies the kiss.
Deeper, harder. It’s possessive and violent.
Both of us fighting for dominance with our lips.
When he sweeps his tongue into my mouth, I moan, then match his movements. My fingers move down his chest, and I slide them under his tunic, feeling his bare skin and all those taut muscles.
I’ve never wanted someone more in my life.
An explosion sounds, and we pull apart, breathless. A fire erupts near the castle gates. Another explosion. More fire. Legionnaires flood into the garden, tearing paths through the white expanse of snow.
Neither of us speaks as we run through the room and down the hall. Anya is in the hallway outside my room, her eyes wide. She glances from me to Brevan, then back again. There’s only a hint of judgement in her expression. “What was that?”
“Must be rebels. Stay in your room,” he orders.
I nod, then shove Anya inside.
“Barricade the door!” Brevan yells.
Anya and I move quickly. We try to lift the sofa, but it’s too heavy, so we carry one of the chairs to the door instead.
We shove the other one next to it, then we run to the window just as another explosion illuminates the garden.
Hundreds of people run toward the castle.
Suddenly, another explosion shakes our room.
They must be inside, but more continue flooding the lawn, racing toward the castle. It’s a massive group in a coordinated attack. There was so much death last time, but I have a feeling that was just a practice run for tonight.