Chapter 17 #2
The music swells around us and we move through the other couples, but I'm barely aware of anything except the feel of his hand burning through the silk of my dress, how our bodies are aligned perfectly despite the height difference, the scent of him overwhelming everything else.
This isn't dancing. This is something else.
This is claiming behavior dressed up as formality.
"This isn't over," he says as the music comes to an end.
He releases me then, stepping back and putting proper distance between us. But his eyes are still dark, still watching me with an intensity that makes it clear he meant what he said. Whatever this is between us, it's not going away just because he walked away from the dance floor.
I stand there trying to catch my breath while he disappears back into the crowd. My whole body feels like it's vibrating at the wrong frequency. I can still feel where his hands were, can still smell him on my skin.
I can't stay here. Can't spend another hour in this ballroom with four males watching me and my body responding to all of them in ways I can't control. I need to leave before I do something stupid, before the heat makes me reckless enough to stop caring about consequences.
I slip out of the ballroom while no one's paying attention, taking the back corridor that leads toward the academic wing. Most of the building is dark this late, but I can see light coming from under one of the office doors.
Julian's office.
I should keep walking. Should go back to my dorm and lock myself in and wait for the heat to pass. But my feet carry me to his door anyway, and before I can talk myself out of it I'm knocking.
There's a pause long enough that I think maybe he won't answer, that maybe I'll be forced to walk away. Then his voice comes through the door, careful and measured.
"Miss Bardot. The ball isn't over yet."
He knew it was me. He didn't need to see through the door to know. "I couldn't stay."
Another pause. "Why not?"
"Caspian."
The door opens. Professor Harmon is standing there with his mask pulled down around his neck, and his eyes find mine immediately, dark and intense. His jaw tightens when I say Caspian's name.
"Come in." He steps back to let me pass. "We can review your Revon essay."
But when I enter he doesn't move toward his desk. He doesn't pick up papers or pull out my assignment. He just stands there in the middle of his office while I stand near the door, and the space between us feels charged with everything we haven't said.
"You're still in heat." He says it like he's stating a fact, not asking a question.
"How do you know?"
"I can smell it. Every male within a hundred feet can smell it." He takes a step closer and I can see his hands are clenched at his sides. "It's been torture staying away from you."
"I didn't know. I didn't mean to..."
"I know you didn't." Another step closer. "But you're here anyway, and I can smell you, and every instinct I have is screaming at me to stop pretending I can resist this."
We're standing too close now. Close enough that I can smell cedar and old books and something underneath that's just him. Close enough that when I speak his name it comes out barely above a whisper.
"Julian."
He inhales sharply like I've hit him. "Don't call me that."
"Why not?"
"Because when you say my name like that I forget every reason why I can't have you.
" His hands come up slowly, carefully, and cup my face.
His thumbs brush against my cheekbones and I can feel him trembling slightly with the effort of holding back.
"And there are so many reasons, Nova. So many reasons why this can't happen. "
But he's leaning in anyway. His eyes are on my mouth and I can see the exact moment he stops fighting, the exact moment his control starts to slip. I tilt my face up and he leans down and we're a breath away from crossing a line that can't be uncrossed.
The knock on the door shatters the moment.
We both freeze. His hands are still on my face and mine have somehow ended up fisted in his shirt. We're breathing too hard, standing too close, and someone is on the other side of that door about to discover us.
Another knock. "Harmon? You in there?"
Julian's eyes close briefly and I can see him pulling control back around himself like armor. When he opens them again, the professor is back, measured and careful.
"Storage closet," he whispers. "Now."
I don't argue. I slip into the small storage closet behind his desk and pull the door almost closed, leaving it open just enough that I can see a sliver of the office. My heart is pounding so hard I'm sure whoever is out there can hear it.
Julian straightens his shirt and walks to the door, opening it to reveal Professor Cross.
"Cross. What can I do for you?"
"Saw your light on. Working late again?"
"Grading papers. You know how it is."
"Don't we all. Well, don't stay too late." Cross glances past him into the office. "Good night, Harmon."
"Good night."
The door closes and I hear Julian lock it. Then silence.
I emerge from the closet and we just stare at each other. Both of us are shaking. Both of us know how close we came to doing something that would have gotten us both killed.
"You need to leave," he says finally.
"Julian..."
"Now, Miss Bardot. Before I stop being strong enough to make you go."
I pick up my mask from where I dropped it and walk to the door. He doesn't move, just watches me with eyes that are still too dark, still full of everything we almost did.
I leave his office and make it back to my dorm on legs that feel unsteady. Lily is still at the ball, which means I have the room to myself. I change out of the dress and into sleep clothes, but I can still smell cedar on my skin, can still feel the ghost of Julian's hands on my face.
The heat is still there, worse now after being close to him, after almost kissing him. My body is aching for something I can't have, calling for mates I can't claim, and I have no idea how much longer I can survive this before something breaks.
I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling while my body burns and the bonds under my ribs pull in four different directions.
Nico's broken bond aching like an infected wound.
The soft pull toward Julian that gets stronger every time I see him.
The magnetic draw toward Caspian that's becoming impossible to ignore.
And underneath it all, the awareness of Knox somewhere in the building, watching from shadows, waiting for something I don't understand.
This is what the books meant when they said heat triggers mate recognition. This overwhelming, undeniable awareness that I'm connected to these males whether I want to be or not. That my body has chosen them and is trying to force the bonds into place regardless of consequences or logic or fear.
I close my eyes and try to sleep, but all I can think about is how close Julian came to kissing me and how much I wanted him to.