Chapter 29
Twenty-Nine
“I t’s been two weeks. She won’t get out of bed. She barely eats or drinks. I don’t know… I don’t know how to help her.”
Sloane closed her eyes and rolled over in bed. Fantastic. Gage was talking behind her back to their friends.
Was he right? Had it really been two weeks since they got out of the hospital? How long were they even in there? Every day blended together in a never ending nightmare of cold darkness.
“We need to see her, Gage. She needs us. She needs her friends.”
“Someone we thought was a friend did this to her, Mae. To us. I think it’s going to take some time.”
“No!” Lily was crying. Sloane reached up and batted away another useless tear from her own face. “She’s my best friend. I’m not letting her rot away in there. We love her. I’m not giving her a chance to shrink back into herself.”
“Lily’s right. If we have to bulldoze our way in there, Gage, we will. And you won’t stop us.”
“Fuck, Em. I’m doing the best I can here. She’s not… She's not well. And I’m just trying to keep her from falling completely apart. I can’t…”
“Gage.”
“She didn’t say a fucking word for nearly a week!” Oh, he was growling at her friends. Something sparked in Sloane’s chest. Interesting. She felt protected by what he was saying, but there was an undeniable part of her that wanted to tell him to back off a little.
It was true that she was barely speaking. At first, her throat had hurt so badly from being strangled that she hadn’t wanted to talk. And then, it became the perfect excuse not to have to. The doctor she saw a week ago while lying in the very same spot she was currently in, some top of the line physician Sebastian had flown in to consult with Jake about the treatment they had received at the hospital, confirmed that she was healing. Apparently, neither she nor Gage would have any lasting damage. Which meant, it was only a matter of time before she would be expected to say more than two or three words at a time to him.
“I can’t get her to agree to see a therapist. She needs someone to process through everything that happened, but it can’t be one of us. It has to be someone neutral. And until that neutral person helps her realize it’s safe to trust her friends again, I don’t think anything will make her not feel uneasy around our group.”
God, she hated herself. Everyone around her was hurting and it was all her fault.
“You’ll figure this out, Gage. But we’re here to help. So, you tell her to get her ass out of bed, or tomorrow I’m marching in there and I’m not leaving until she accepts our help. I don’t care if I have to lay in that bed with her for weeks. She wants to rot, we’ll rot with her. Because we aren’t just her friends. We’re her goddamn family.”
She couldn’t take it any more. Her hands grabbed the edge of the comforter and she pulled it up over her head, letting the warmth sink into her. That was another thing she hadn’t been able to shake since that night. The overwhelming feeling of cold. Even with Gage in the bed, with the heating pad and being covered in his sweatpants and giant socks and a sweatshirt the size of Texas, she still didn’t truly feel warm.
Her eyes closed, but her mind kept her right there in the bedroom. And as hard as she tried to ignore him, she heard the second Gage walk into the room and stopped at the foot of the bed.
“Sloane? I might only be able to see the ends of your beautiful red hair, but I can hear your breathing. Come on, Beautiful. I know you’re awake under there. It’s time to get out of bed.”
“No.”
Her warm and cozy cocoon was ripped away; her skin pebbled as the comforter slid off her body.
“Gage! I said no. I’m not getting out of bed.”
“I’m sorry, Red. But you are. I won’t let you lay here and wither away in front of my eyes. I won’t. I thought soft love was what you needed, but I can see you’re going to be stubborn. Which I love, by the way, because now I know you’ve still got that spark inside of you. So tough love it is, baby. I’m going to run you a bath and when you’re done getting cleaned up, I’m going to feed you some food and we are going outside. Even if it’s just for five minutes, you’re going to feel the sun on your face. You’re going to see that the days have kept going on, and so can you.”
“Just leave me alone,” she begged. “I’m serious, Gage. Leave me to rot away. Leave me in the hell that my mind wants me to suffocate in.”
“I can’t do that, Red.” A tear dropped from his eye and sliced through her soul. She was hurting him. Always hurting him. “I can’t leave you in hell alone. I’ve been there before, all on my own. And I know you have, too. But we aren’t alone now. We don’t have to get through this on our own. I’ll walk into your hell and drag you out, Sloane. You can kick, and scream, and curse my name the whole time, but I won’t let you stay there, all alone.”
“You don’t understand.” She choked on the words. Of course he did. He was the only one who understood exactly what she went through. But he was fine. And she was a mess. It wasn’t fair to him. “It hurts more.”
“What does?” His studious frown turned to a gentle smile as he reached out towards her. “Let me see your hip?—”
“No,” she cried, not wanting to think about the jagged scar that was healing when the rest of her couldn’t. “Not that. It hurts watching you be able to get up. To function. To talk to our friends.” She gestured wildly at the door and watched as guilt took away the dimples in Gage’s incredible smile and replaced them with worry lines. “To wake up each day like nothing happened. Like you’re just being dragged down by me. This is eating me alive, Gage. And you’re just ready to move past it.”
“Sloane.” She sat up, flinging her legs over the edge of the bed and pushing herself up. It was the wrong call. The room immediately tipped and distorted as she blinked trying to push the black dots out of her vision. Gage was there, right by her side, holding onto her waist to steady her.
“Don’t touch me,” she whispered, hating the way the words ripped Gage apart right in front of her.
“I have to make sure you’re good on your feet. You haven’t been eating or drinking how you should be. If you’re dizzy…”
Her body softened and swayed towards him. But he didn’t reach out. His hands just hovered midway in the air, ready to catch her if she was going to fall. Because that’s who Gage was. He was always going to be there to catch her.
“Where are my things?”
“I can grab you a change of clothes after I get you situated in the bathroom.”
“That’s not what I mean. Did you pack them up like I asked?”
“No.”
“Gage. Please. I shouldn’t have stayed here this long. I shouldn’t have taken up your space like this.”
“This isn’t just my space. It’s yours too. This is your home.”
“No it’s not. My home is a crime scene. My home is covered in police tape. My home is where I killed someone. I took her life, Gage. It’s everything I am fundamentally against deep down in my core.”
“I’m sorry you had to do that for me. It was my job to save you. You should never have had?—”
“Stop! I don’t regret that my actions saved you. Not one single second of seeing the light drain out of her eyes. Not hearing her last breath. Not watching her sink down against the wall, leaving blood smeared all over my cinder blocks. I don’t regret taking her life to save ours. And that’s the part I don’t think I can live with.”
Sloane collapsed down onto the floor, her legs folding up to rest against her chest while her arms wrapped around her knees. She tucked her head into her arms and let the fire behind her eyes consume her. She wasn’t even sure how she had any tears left at that point. Gage was right. She hadn’t been eating or drinking. Her body felt like it had nothing more to give.
“Red, please.” The strain of emotion in his voice made the tears fall even harder. He didn’t try to hold her. He didn’t try to touch her. After a few minutes, she knew he left the room. And she cried harder. That had to be why she felt so empty inside. He’d finally listened to her. The absence of Gage was making everything hurt more. But she’d done that. She’d pushed him away.
Everything was still so fucking cold. Which is why, when warmth seeped into her side and down her leg, she lifted her tear stained face in confusion. He hadn’t actually left. His body pressed into hers, offering her a part of his strength.
“I’ve been talking to Sebastian,” he whispered.
Failing again, Sloane. You owe money for your business. The business that you might as well not return to. Failure. Failure. Failure.
“Oh god. The office rent was due last week.” She wiped the wetness from her face onto the sleeve of the sweatshirt she was wearing. Would Gage let her take it when she moved out? Even though she’d been in it for days, it still smelled like him.
“Not about that. He doesn’t care about the money, Sloane. He wants to make sure you’re okay. Everyone is worried…”
“I need to get my laptop from downstairs. Or, where’s my phone? I’ll transfer him the money.”
“Stop. You can figure that all out later. I know you didn’t officially move in here. It was the only option at the time. I want you to stay, but if it’s too much, there is an apartment up on the same floor as Gunner and Lily. Mae and Hawk are obviously up there too, so you’d have the girls around. I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay here and fight through this with me. But I can’t make that choice for you. That apartment is there if you think it will be the best thing right now.”
“And my house?”
“I’ve been looking at different crews to come in and clean it up. It’s still a crime scene under the FBI, and Kimi is working through getting it released back to you, but it’s a process. Once they clear it, a company can box all of your stuff up and bring it here, or we can put it in storage. You don’t have to make a decision now, but you could sell it.”
Sloane shook her head. “No. I want it knocked down. I don’t want it to exist anymore.”
“We can do that, too.”
She nodded, brushing her matted hair out of her eyes with the back of her hand. “I’ll take Sebastian up on the apartment.”
“Okay.” Gage closed his eyes for a second before bending over to press a kiss into her hair. “I’m going to run you a bath. Give me just a few minutes and I’ll be back.” Something about that action, the tenderness, the understanding, the way he didn’t argue to keep her there with him, shattered the last little hold on sanity she had.
“Ready?” he asked, his hand outstretched. How long had she been staring at her feet?
“I can’t.”
“That’s okay. I’ve got you.” Before she could reply, Gage had her body up in his arms. Every muscle in her tensed, hating the way she was reacting to his touch. He wasn’t going to hurt her. He was only trying to help.
She closed her eyes, the movement towards the bathroom giving her a heavy dose of motion sickness. He lowered her down, the sound of rushing water and the heat of the steam rising from the bath caressing her skin.
“We have to get these clothes off you, Red.”
“I can’t,” she choked out. God, it was so embarrassing. How many days had she been in the same sweatshirt and shorts? Gage had done the exact same routine with her before, but she couldn’t remember how much time had passed in between. What she wouldn’t give to have enough strength to lift her arms over her head. To bend over without worrying about collapsing to the ground. But she just couldn’t do it.
He nodded. “I’ve got this, too.”
Slowly, with his eyes trained on hers, Gage peeled away the clothes she’d been wearing for far too many days. Shame burned across her face as she watched him turn to the tub and stop the water.
“What are you doing?” she asked as he scooped her up, stepping into the tub with her, still dressed in his shorts and t-shirt.
“I’m not going to ask you any more, Sloane. I know you don’t have the strength to do these things right now. So I’m going to do them for you. We’re going to wash your hair, and your body, and then we’re just going to rest. One thing at a time. Little by little. I can be the strength for both of us until you feel better.”
“What if I never feel better, Gage?” she asked as he lowered both of their bodies into the water. The warmth overwhelmed her, shocking her system. Fat tears, from the bottom of her soul, rolled down her face as she shifted back, clinging to Gage’s shirt like it was her only lifeline.
“I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. You’ll have my strength forever if you need it. But I know you, Sloane. One day, you’re going to wake up and see the other side of things. The side where what you did was incredibly brave. The side where you are a hero in my eyes. The side where you’re able to put one foot in front of the other and live life again.”