Chapter 30
Thirty
H er sobs washed over Gage like a hurricane. He was so fucking lost. All the training he’d had as a SEAL helped him compartmentalize what had happened to them. There was no way he could access what they experienced yet, but one day soon he would sit down with a therapist and work through it all. Just like he had when he lost Melody and Mikey.
Hearing Sloane fall apart over and over again, day after day, and not being able to reach her scared the hell out of him. He’d tried to have their friends give support, but she’d pushed them all away. So he just sat with her, waiting for the moment when her eyes would open and he’d see just a glimpse, even the tiniest sliver, of the Sloane who was there before.
“Is this okay? Are you warm enough?” His hands cupped water from the bath and dripped it over her shoulders, watching the droplets run down her skin in tiny rivulets.
“I-I’m fine.” Her voice was hoarse, and he reminded himself to make sure she was drinking enough. She’d been dizzy when she stood before the bath, just another sign that he was failing to take care of her.
Sloane’s head turned and suddenly there was a large splash as her hand jerked out of the water. In a flash, she was gripping onto his arm with such force he almost winced at the tight hold.
“What’s wrong?”
“Where is it!?” Her wide eyes were filled with panic, but he didn’t understand why.
“Where’s what?”
“Your bracelet?” Her tone was nearly hysterical. “Why aren’t you wearing it? Where did it go?”
“Sloane…”
She dropped his hand and spun around in the tub, leaving her hand on his chest as she pressed to look into his eyes.
“I know you wouldn’t take it off without a good reason. If it’s because of me… because I’m struggling… please put it back on. Please don’t let me be the reason you lose that connection to them.”
Shit. Things had been a blur that night, but he thought she knew what he’d done. “I don’t have the bracelet anymore.”
Her eyes bounced back and forth, searching his face. “What do you mean you don’t have it? What did you do with it?”
“When we were taken…”
“No,” she shook her head. “You had it that night. I saw it on you in the basement. I’m not crazy. I remember it being there.”
“I know. It was. But I had to take it apart. I had to use it to save you.”
He could still feel the moment he’d broken the rope free, mere seconds before wrapping it around Courtney’s neck. Sloane clearly hadn’t seen that it was thin, and black. Hadn’t understood that it wasn’t just something Gage found in her basement that night. And he could see from the wild look in her eyes that it was just another thing she was going to blame herself for.
“No. No. NO! How could you do that? I didn’t want you to do that.” More tears streamed down her face. It was clear what she was thinking. That the last connection he had to his wife and son was gone. And he hated that she thought it was because of her. “Why? Why would you do that?”
“Because I love you, Red.”
She shook her head slowly back and forth as her face crumpled. “We’ll get it back. We’ll ask Kimi. Or Sebastian…. he can pull some strings. Someone will know how to get it back. And the beads? Where are the beads? What happened to them.”
“I didn’t have time… she was going to kill you. I just pulled it apart. The beads scattered to the floor.”
Sloane closed her eyes, covering her face as a distressed cry erupted from her chest.
“I took the last bit of them from you!” she wailed, lowering her hands to her arms in a phantom hug. Her fingers dug into her arms angrily. He knew that pain needed to leave her, but he couldn’t stand watching her hurt herself. If she had to physically transfer it to him, he would gladly take it. So he reached out and pried her fingers off her arms and placed them on his. “How could you do that? How could you?”
Her fingers grabbed onto his forearms impossibly tighter, and she closed her eyes, screaming so loud that Gage panicked. He pulled her into his chest, locking his arms tightly around her back. Her arms were trapped between their bodies, her fists wrapped around the wet fabric of his shirt, knocking against his chest over and over.
“I took… I took the very last connection… you had to them. I’m so s-sorry, Gage.”
His hand moved to cradle the back of her head. “Breathe, Sloane. I would take apart that bracelet and use that rope a million times over if it meant I got to have you here, safe in my arms. You didn’t take them from me. You didn’t. Just breathe.”
“But it’s been with you every day since you lost them. We talked about how it linked you to them. The beads, the w-whole bracelet. They’ll have theirs forever and you might never get it back. Even if you do, it won’t be the same. She’s not here to put it back together again for you.”
“No. She’s not. But you are.” His hands gently stroked her hair. “You could put it back together for me, just like you put back together my broken heart.”
Her eyes searched his, looking for the admission that what he’d just said wasn’t true. But she wouldn’t find it. And when Sloane finally accepted that, she broke all over again. Gage just held her as she cried. He held her, gently rocking back and forth in the water until her breathing evened out and she wiped away the last of her tears.
“Red? I’m going to wash your hair now. I need you to tip your head back a bit.”
She followed his direction, not saying anything. Gage dipped the cup he’d initially set on the edge of the tub into the warm water, letting it run from her hairline down her back. The shampoo was cold, so he warmed it in his hands before moving to lather her hair. She still didn’t say anything, but at least her tears had stopped, tiny sniffles taking their place in the silence of the bathroom. He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not, but for his own heart, no longer having her sobs fill every inch of his apartment eased the pain in his chest.
“You’re going to have to stop calling me ‘Red’,” her horse voice whispered.
“Why’s that?”
“She’s gone. I’m not going to dye my hair anymore.”
Gage chuckled.
“I’m serious. I’m naturally blonde with just a hint of red. Nothing like this color at all, really,” she whined as her fingers brushed through the ends. “You’re the worst at nicknames. Taking the most noticeable feature about me and giving me the most basic nickname from that.”
“First off,” he knew she was waiting for him to say her eyes were her most prominent feature. The same thing Courtney thought and wanted to keep her for. “Your freckles, and your heart-shaped lips are the features I think are most noticeable.”
“I think ‘Freckles’ would have been a better nickname than ‘Red’.”
“It’s funny that you still think I’ve called you ‘Red’ all this time because of your hair.”
Her brows furrowed. “You told me that was why, didn’t you? What else could it be?”
“Sloane.” Gage breathed deeply, scooping up some water and pouring it over her hair to get out the last of the bubbles. “Red is my favorite color. Back when Mel and I talked about me being the one to die, she made me promise that I would send her red-colored things as a sign that I was okay on the other side. Wherever that may be. One day, I made her promise the same. I can still remember the way her laugh sounded when she argued that she should send me something green—her favorite color— but I told her I wanted something red, to know she was thinking of me. Do you know what you were wearing the first day we met?”
“No,” she whispered.
“You were wearing a red dress. That one of yours that flares out at the waist. I felt it that day. This inexplicable pull towards you. The insanely calm feeling that we were meant to be in each other’s lives.”
Sloane pulled her bottom lip between her lips, and Gage reached up to release the tender flesh before she could hurt herself. “You think she’d like me? Would she be okay with us… being… us?”
“There’s no doubt in my mind, sweetheart.” His hands slid up her face. “In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion she may have been pulling strings on the other side to make sure I moved here. Because first I got a pain-in-my-ass extra sister in Em, and now, I have a future with you.”
She shook her head. “I don’t know that I can give you that, Gage. I don’t know that I’ll ever come back from what happened. You deserve to be with someone whole. Someone who will bring light into your life after all you’ve been through.”
Gage reached up, his wet hand finding its way to her cheek. He pressed gently, turning her face so he could see into her eyes. “Sloane. There is a part of me so broken that it will never come back to life. A part of my soul died the same day I lost them. Nothing will ever bring them back, just like nothing will ever revive that part of me.”
“I feel that way now. Like I can’t reach my heart. Like every breath hurts.”
“I know you do, baby. But that’s why you have to hear the rest. You have to know, before this bath ends and you decide to walk out that door, that the part of my heart that’s left… the part of my soul that is still able to hear the birds sing and appreciate the beauty in a sunrise… it belongs to you. Not some idea of what you and I can be one day in the future when we survive this. Not some idea of what life will be like when the darkness finally gives way to light. Not some idea of what it was like before we were held in your basement. You. At this moment. You, letting me wash your hair. You, holding onto me for strength until you can manage standing strong on your own two feet. Right now. Always. My heart belongs to you.”
She closed her eyes, and he watched as she gently nodded. “I think I’m ready to get out now,” she whispered.
His stomach sank. “Okay. Let’s get out.”
* * *
Another week passed. Another week where Sloane stayed in bed. Where there was more darkness than light. But she was slowly starting to feel more like herself. There were days where Gage just held her. He didn’t try to get her to do anything. He didn’t force her to be more than she could be. He just existed with her.
And slowly, that was pulling her out of the darkness. She was sitting up more. Wanting to get dressed, even if it was to just get right back into bed. Sloane had even ventured out of their bedroom that morning to sit at the table while Gage ate breakfast. It was impossible to ignore the way he looked at her while he was eating, concern written in dark circles under his eyes at the fact that she only picked at the food on her plate, but it was progress. She could feel her body coming back to life.
Until a knock came and dread filled her stomach.
“Who’s at the door?” she asked as Gage walked out of the bathroom with his toothbrush still in his mouth.
“Oh, uh… I know it’s not the best timing, but I invited some friends over.”
Sloane’s body suddenly felt zapped. She didn’t have energy for anyone. She didn’t want to put on a brave face.
“Gage, I can’t. I’m not ready to see anyone. I know Mae and Lily don’t want to take no for an answer, but I don’t think?—”
He held up his hand, interrupting the speech she’d given him a hundred times over the last few days. “I think you’ll be okay with these two.”
“No. I really won’t.”
“Sit here. I’ll bring them into the bedroom. Give me two seconds.”
Gage gently guided her back to bed, pressed a kiss to her forehead and walked away, shutting the door behind him. What the hell? Sloane smoothed her hair down over her shoulders and straightened her robe. Suddenly, the apartment sounded like it was hosting a stampede.
The bedroom door flew open and all Sloane saw was a giant gray puffball floating in the air towards her.
“Darius! Be careful! I told you Sloane was hurt.”
The giant oaf plopped down on the edge of the bed, tail wagging a million miles an hour as he belly crawled towards her.
“What? I don’t understand?” Her eyes bounced from Darius, who was now busy licking the underside of her jaw, to Gage, who held Betty in his arms. “What are they doing here?”
“Ellie said Betty’s new mom decided not to continue with the adoption. She was having some serious separation anxiety, apparently. It only seemed right that we foster them together. I thought having them to focus on… well, I thought it might make things a little more manageable. Although, now that I’m looking at Darius taking up half the bed, I might have been a little wrong.”
Sloane held out her arms, reaching for Betty. “No. This is perfect, Gage. Thank you for bringing them home.”
They laid together in bed, the dogs finally settling down after sniffing around their new home for the better part of an hour. It felt right, and Sloane realized more than anything, she felt settled. A small part of her soul had broken free from the darkness. She knew she wanted to fight for more.
“We haven’t talked about what I said last week.” She lifted her face out of Darius’s fur to look at Gage.
His brow furrowed, but he didn’t say anything. He just let her have the time and space to say what she needed to get off her chest. “I don’t want to leave,” she whispered, reaching over to thread their fingers together.
“You don’t have to. I want you here. But it’s up to you. I’d do anything for you, Red. Anything.”
“I want to get better.” Sloane rolled so her head rested on his shoulder, and Gage leaned down, pressing a kiss onto the crown of her head.
“You will. And until then, you can lean on me.”
“But you shouldn’t have to shoulder that all yourself. You shouldn’t be holding me up when you need to work through everything too.” She worried her bottom lip between her teeth while her free hand came up to trace nonsensical designs on his chest. “Are you going to talk to someone about what happened?”
“Yeah. Cap will make me in order to go back to work. And I think it’s for the best. I saw someone after Mel and Mikey died. I know I need to see someone now. Not only for me, but for our family.”
“Our family?”
“Even if it was just you and me, we would be family. But we’ve got Darius and Betty to think about now, too.”
“Our family.” She loved the sound of that.
“Yeah.”
Sloane reached up, playfully tapping on the lens of Gage’s glasses.
“Thank you for not giving up on me, Clark.”
“Never, Red. Not for one single second while there is still breath in my lungs. I hope you know that.”
“I do. And I’m going to reach out to a few colleagues tomorrow. I want to be able to practice again one day, but I’m not in any state to do that right now. I’ll get some recommendations from them and start therapy. It might be good for us to do some sessions together, in addition to the ones we tackle alone.”
Gage nodded. “You’re so strong, Sloane. I know you don’t feel it now, but god, I’m in awe of you.”
“I’m just putting one foot in front of the other.”
“Baby steps are still steps.”
His voice cracked as Sloane lifted her head just in time to see his eyes fill with tears.
“Why are you getting emotional?”
“I’m proud of you.”
“That’s not it though, is it?”
He shook his head. “I didn’t know if you’d still call me Clark… after everything that happened.”
Sloane stretched her back so her lips pressed against the underside of his chin before snuggling back down on his chest. “You’ll always be Superman to me. I plan on reminding you of that every day for the rest of our lives.”