CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
It had been seven days since Jokah carried me out of that house. Seven days since I'd been to work or slept through an entire night without waking up scared. Seven days since I'd walked into a room without checking who was already inside and I hated it.
Every unexpected sound made me look up. The elevator opening made my heartbeat faster, even though I knew nobody could get into the penthouse without permission.
I checked the locks constantly, knowing damn well Jokah had more security around this place than the White House.
More than anything, I hated that I didn't feel like myself anymore.
Jokah noticed all of it. He just never said anything.
He hadn't left me alone for more than a few hours since we came home from the hospital.
If there was somewhere he absolutely had to be, Hulk stayed downstairs and not inside the penthouse. Jokah tried that once and it lasted maybe twenty minutes before I asked Hulk if he could please wait somewhere else.
I loved Hulk, but having a three-hundred-pound man sitting ten feet away because somebody might try to take me again didn't make me feel protected.
It reminded me of why he needed to be there in the first place. Jokah never suggested it again. He didn't ask questions about what happened either. If I wanted to talk, he listened. If I didn't, he left it alone.
At night, he held me. Whenever I woke up scared, he stayed awake with me until I fell back asleep.
And every single time he touched me, he made sure I knew it was coming first. That part hurt the most. Before all of this, Jokah touched me whenever he felt like it.
He'd pull me onto his lap, smack my ass when I walked past, or wrap his arms around me from behind while I was cooking.
Now, he said my name before coming up behind me or touching my hand first, giving me enough time to know it was him before he got any closer.
I hated that too. Not because he was doing anything wrong.
He wasn't. Jokah was doing everything right.
He was paying attention without making me feel watched.
Giving me space without making me feel alone.
Protecting me without making the penthouse feel like another place I couldn't leave. And somehow, I still wasn't okay.
I was sitting on the couch watching something I hadn't been paying attention to when the elevator chimed. My entire body stiffened.
Jokah looked up from his phone. "It's Grandaddy."
I released the breath I was holding. "Okay."
The elevator opened a few seconds later and Grandaddy stepped out. The second I saw him, my eyes filled with tears.
"Hey, baby."
"Hey, Grandaddy."
I stood, and he opened his arms. I went straight into them. Since everything happened, Grandaddy had been coming by to check on me. Sometimes he stayed for a while, and other times he just wanted to see me with his own eyes before leaving.
He hugged me gently, careful not to squeeze too tight. Everybody hugged me differently now. I noticed that too. Grandaddy pulled back and looked me over, the same way he did every time he came by, like seeing me standing in front of him still wasn't enough to stop him from worrying.
"How you doing?"
"I'm okay."
He watched me for a second. I already knew he didn't believe that shit. Still, he nodded.
"A’ight."
Jokah stood.
"You want something to drink, Grandaddy?"
"Nah, son. I'm good." Grandaddy looked at me again. "Come sit with me, baby."
I followed him over to the couch. Grandaddy sat beside me and took both of my hands. He'd been checking on me since the night it happened, but nobody had talked about the details. He never asked, and I was grateful for that.
"Joaquin finally told me a little more about what happened."
I looked down.
"He didn't tell me everything. Didn't need to."
My throat tightened. Grandaddy squeezed my hands. "I just wanted you to know that I know, and you don't ever have to explain any of it to me."
That almost broke me.
"You mind if I pray for you?"
That hit me harder than I expected. My eyes filled with tears, but I shook my head.
"No."
He tightened his hands around mine and I closed my eyes. "Lord, cover this baby. Give her peace where fear has tried to settle. Give her rest when her mind won't let her sleep. Remind her that what happened to her does not belong to her. The shame ain't hers. The blame ain't hers."
Tears slipped down my cheeks.
"And whatever she needs to heal, give her the strength to choose it. Give her patience within herself, while she finds her way back. Put people around her who know when to hold her close and when to give her room. Remind her that she's still whole, even on the days she doesn’t feel like it."
I squeezed his hands.
"Cover her mind. Cover her heart. Cover her family. And give her peace that nobody can take from her. Amen."
"Amen," I whispered.
Grandaddy pulled me into his arms, and I cried against his chest. He didn't tell me to stop or tell me everything was going to be okay. He just held me. When I finally pulled away, I wiped my face.
"Thank you."
"You ain't gotta thank me."
"I needed that."
"I know."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. He held it out to me. I looked down at it before taking it.
"What's this?"
"I know a great counselor. She's helped some people I care about, and she's good at what she does."
I looked at the card again.
"She can help you process some of what you're feeling when you're ready."
"Okay."
"And I mean when you're ready. Ain't no pressure from me or Joaquin."
I looked over at Jokah. He nodded his head to reassure me. Grandaddy touched my hand.
"You go when you feel like you can go. Your sessions have already been prepaid. All you gotta do is show up."
My eyes filled again. "You already paid for them?"
"Sure did."
"Grandaddy..."
"I don't wanna hear it."
A small laugh slipped out through my tears.
"I was just gonna say thank you."
"I know what you were gonna say."
I looked down at the card in my hand. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, baby."
I carefully placed it on the table beside me. Grandaddy leaned back against the sofa.
"You don't have to figure everything out today. And don't let anybody make you feel like you do."
His eyes moved toward Jokah.
Jokah caught it. "I hear you, Grandaddy."
"Good."
Jokah nodded. "Whatever she needs."
Grandaddy looked back at me.
"That's what I wanted to hear."
I smiled.
He stayed for another hour. We talked about everything except what happened to me.
And I appreciated that more than either one of them probably knew.
By the time Grandaddy stood to leave, I felt lighter than I had when he came.
I walked him to the elevator. He opened his arms again and I hugged him.
"Call me if you need me."
"I will."
"I'm serious."
"I know."
He kissed my forehead.
"Love you, baby."
"Love you too."
The elevator doors closed and I just stood there for a few seconds before looking down at my feet. Jokah came up beside me.
"You good?"
"Yeah."
"You sure?"
I nodded.
"I think I'm gonna call her."
He looked at the card.
"Yeah?"
"Not today."
"A’ight."
"But maybe soon."
Jokah reached for my hand.
"Whenever you ready, baby."
I looked at him.
"No pressure?"
"No pressure."
"Okay."
He kissed my forehead.
"Come on."
I followed him back toward the living room and sat down. For the first time all week, I felt like maybe there was something I could do besides wait to feel normal again.
Later that night, I woke up alone. I sat up and looked beside me.
"Jokah?"
The bathroom light was off, so I grabbed my robe and walked out of the bedroom. Voices were coming from the guest bedroom. It was Jokah and Poncho, so I moved closer.
"Reek still ain't popped up?"
"Nah."
"Nothing?"
"Not yet."
"Keep looking."
"We are."
"I don't care how long it takes. Somebody knows where that nigga at."
"I got people checking everywhere."
"Check again."
I stood there listening as the name registered.
I heard Jokah ask about him before he killed the man who hurt me, Reek was the person he wanted to find.
But he wasn’t there that night. My stomach tightened as I realized what that meant.
Reek was still out there. And judging by the conversation happening on the other side of the door, Jokah was still looking for him.
Then I heard Jokah's voice again. "He can't hide forever."
"I know."
"I want him."
"You'll get him."
I slowly backed away from the door before Jokah realized I was awake. I returned to the bedroom and climbed back into bed, but my heart wouldn't slow down. Reek was still out there. The thought made me pull the covers higher around myself, even though I knew I was safe inside the penthouse.
A few minutes later, Jokah came into the bedroom. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. The mattress dipped beside me as he got into bed. He didn't touch me right away. He never did anymore.
"Baby."
I opened my eyes.
"You awake?"
"Yeah."
He looked at me.
"You, okay?"
"Yeah."
"You need anything?"
"No."
He leaned over and kissed my forehead.
"Go back to sleep."
I watched him lie down.
"Jokah?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you find him?"
His head turned toward me.
"You heard us?"
"Yeah."
He was quiet for a second. "Nah. Not yet. But I will."
I looked away. Jokah moved closer but didn't touch me. "Baby."
"What?"
"You are safe here."
"I thought I was safe before."
That shut him up. I hated saying it, but it was true. After a few seconds, Jokah reached for my hand. I let him take it.
"I know," he said quietly. "And I know telling you you're safe ain't enough right now."
My eyes burned,as the tears threatened to fall.
"But until I find him, you won't be by yourself. Nobody getting up here that ain't supposed to be here, and if you wanna go somewhere, somebody I trust is going with you."
I looked at him.
"For how long?"
"As long as it takes."
That didn't make me feel better. It made my chest tighter. Because before all of this, Jokah's protection made me feel safe. Now it felt like proof that I needed protecting. And I was starting to realize I didn't know if I could live like that.
"I got more people watching you. Hulk knows you don't want nobody up here, so he stays downstairs. Nobody is getting on this elevator that ain't supposed to. When you are ready to go back to work, somebody will be close."
"How long?"
"What?"
"How long do I have to live like that?"
"Like what?" He frowned.
"With somebody watching me."
"Until I know you're safe."
"And when is that?"
"When I find Reek."
"And then what?"
Jokah went quiet.
"What if somebody else comes after you?"
"Ain't nobody—"
"You don't know that."
His jaw tightened.
"Nobody touching you again."
"That's not what I asked."
"Kaior."
"What if it's somebody else next time?"
"There ain't gonna be a next time."
"How do you know?"
"Because I'm telling you."
I pulled my hand from his. "You can't promise me that."
He stared at me.
"Baby—"
"You can't."
He sat up.
"What you want me to do baby?"
"I don't know."
"Then tell me what you need."
"I don't know!"
My voice came out louder than I intended and that made Jokah get quiet. I wiped my face.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize."
"I just..."
I looked around the bedroom at the huge windows overlooking the city. Everything about this place felt so beautiful when I first came here. Now, I couldn't stop thinking about the security downstairs or the fact that Jokah didn't want me to go anywhere alone.
"I don't want somebody following me everywhere."
"They ain't following you. They're protecting you."
"That's the same thing to me."
"It ain't."
"To me it is."
Jokah stared at me.
"I want to go to work without somebody sitting outside."
"You can."
"Can I?"
"Once this shit handled."
"Exactly."
He rubbed his hand over his face. "Kaior, somebody took you. What you expect me to do? Act like it didn't happen?"
"No."
"Then what?"
"I don't know!"
There it was again. I didn't know. I didn't know what I needed from him or what would make any of this feel normal again. Even worse, I didn't know how to explain something I barely understood myself.
"I just want my life back."
"You got your life."
"No."
I shook my head.
"I don't."
"Kaior—"
"I don't walk to my car without looking around anymore. I can't sit at a red light without checking the cars beside me. Every time that elevator opens, I wonder who's getting off, and I can't even sleep through the fucking night."
My eyes filled with tears.
"I don't feel like me anymore."
Jokah reached for me, I let him pull me against his chest. "I know."
"No, you don't."
"Then help me understand."
I cried against him.
"I don't know how."
He kissed the top of my head.
"A'ight."
He didn't push me for an answer I didn't have. He just held me until the tears stopped, then laid back and pulled me with him. I rested my head against his chest while his hand moved slowly over my back.
"I love you," he whispered.
I closed my eyes.
"I love you too."
And I did. God, I did. That was what made this so hard.
Jokah hadn't failed me. He found me. He saved me, and every day since, he'd done everything he could to make me feel safe again.
But lying there listening to his heartbeat, I finally understood what I've been trying not to admit all week.
This wasn't about whether Jokah could protect me.
It was about the life I needed protection from.
Loving him meant accepting that men like Reek existed. It meant guards were following me because of who I was with. It meant cameras, guns, security, and checking over my shoulder because somebody could decide hurting me was the easiest way to hurt him.
Jokah could put a hundred men around me, but none of them could give me back the woman who used to walk through a parking lot without wondering who was watching her.
Then Grandaddy's words came back to me. Whatever she needs to heal, give her the strength to choose it.
I looked up at Jokah. His eyes were closed, and his arm was still wrapped around me. I loved him with everything in me. But I couldn't live like this.
I didn't sleep much after that. I stayed curled against him with my eyes open, listening to him breathe.
Every now and then, his arm tightened around me like even in his sleep, he needed to make sure I was still there.
I was. But by morning, I knew I couldn't be and I knew exactly what I needed to do.
I just didn't know if I was strong enough to do it.