Chapter 15 #3
“Nah, I don’t fuckin’ understand!” He spat.
“I gotta get out of here. I’m going back to Philly.
I’ll be back in a few days.” He grabbed his bag and walked out.
Hearing the door close suffocated me. This wasn’t supposed to go like this.
Our birthday is five days away, and I had something special planned for us. And now this!
Seeing him so broken had me rethinking everything.
Maybe he was right; maybe I was selfish.
I mean, I had to be to get involved with him, knowing that I was always on borrowed time.
It was wrong of me to do that to him... and maybe, just maybe, it’s time to let go.
I don’t want to pull him more and more into my mess.
I decided to call him, and the call went to voicemail.
I left a message and asked that he call me back.
A few hours has past and he still hadn’t called me back. So, I decided to send a text.
Me: I think it’s best that we end things here.
I love you with everything in me, but I never want to see you hurting.
This is killing me and you were right. It’s not fair for you to have to sit and watch me die.
Thank you for all that you’ve done for me and my baby girl.
Thank you for being YOU. Thank you for showing me what real love looks like.
Thank you for giving me you even if it’s just for a little while.
Know that when I take my last breath, my thoughts will be of my daughter and you. I’ll love you FOREVER MORE. Forever
It’s been four days since Legacy and I had our argument and our birthday is tomorrow.
I feel so bad because I was so excited about sharing our day together.
I know that I was mean to him, and I know that I was the one that pulled him into my shattered life, and yes, I know that it was a selfish move.
I just never thought that he would find me.
I never thought that he would be interested in me, and I damn sure never thought that I would fall in love with such an amazing fucking man.
I’m so fucking angry! I want to live and be loved and my God; he has properly loved me.
I could leave this earth and truly say I had a partner in him, one that I dreamed about.
One that showed me what true love looked like in human form.
He’s called me several times, and each time I’ve ignored his calls.
I was trying my best to stand on what I said to him when I ended things.
He had a key to my house, so I changed the locks.
I was doing this because I didn’t want him to hurt any more than he already was.
I needed to spend as much time with my daughter as possible, and I still had to talk to her about what was about to happen.
My heart was broken for so many reasons, but the biggest one was for her.
I don’t even know how to move on from here.
I can’t believe that God chose this life for me.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to leave my fucking daughter out here in this world without her mother.
This shit wasn’t fair. I’ve never questioned God before, but this was something I had to wrestle with every single day.
Because how am I supposed to accept the fact that my baby will grow up without me?
How was I supposed to smile, laugh, and act like I wasn’t dying?
I wanted to watch her grow into the beautiful woman that I knew she’d be.
I wanted to see her get married and have children.
Knowing there’s a possibility I wouldn’t be here to watch her become a woman—that thought alone destroyed me.
I think about all of the things that a child needs to hear as they grow up and try to maneuver through life.
I wouldn’t be able to hold her and talk to her when life broke her heart.
Me dying was the biggest lesson of life—breaking her fucking heart!
The times when she felt like she wasn’t beautiful or worthy enough, who would be there to remind her on just how beautiful she is?
I should’ve been the one doing all of those things.
Because that’s always been me. Throughout all of this, I tried so hard to remain strong, praying that God would work a miracle on my behalf.
I tried so hard to stay strong, but some days this shit crushed me. Some days, I sat alone and cried until my chest hurt because I was scared. Not of dying, but for my daughter. For the life I won’t get to see, and all the moments I’d miss.
Thankfully, Jaz and Kasia decided to come over and bring dinner to get my out of my funk.
Hanii had already eaten and was already upstairs asleep in her room so it was just us ladies.
They’d been here just about every day since I got the news.
Jaz couldn’t keep her emotions together.
I decided to take a leave from work so that I could spend time with Hanii.
I was still not feeling the best, and you could tell that I was declining.
I just didn’t expect it to happen this fast. My doorbell rang and I went to grab the door while Jaz fixed our plates.
I looked out the peephole and couldn’t believe my eyes—it was Chauncey. I was hoping that he stayed the hell away from us but that was wishful thinking.
I swung the door open. “What?” I asked.
“Yo, my girl work at your doctor's office and told me you was sick. I came by to tell you, me and my girl gon’ raise that lil girl. My bad you sick and all, but my girl got her. I don’t want you to worry about that.” I hauled off and slapped the shit out of his ass.
“Bitch, you done lost your damn mind!” He gripped my neck and hit me in the face. I didn’t even see Jaz and Kasia behind me but we ultimately beat his ass.
“You thought shit was sweet! You rat looking muthafucka! Yo bitch ass crusty ass mama should’ve swallowed you! You got some niggacity popping up over here with that shit,” Jaz said as we continued to wear his ass out. I was sick and winded, but I would still throw these hands.
“I’ma fuck you bitches up!” Chauncey yelled, stumbling off the porch and to his car. We closed and locked the door then headed back to the kitchen, winded as hell.
“Damn that felt good,” I laughed. This situation made me think that I really needed to make sure that he didn’t touch my child when I left this world. Fuck that! I ad to get my affairs in order.
“His ugly ass needed that beat down. I was hoping to beat some cuteness into his ass. But that shit didn’t work. And his hoe finna lose her muthafuckin job playing with me.” Jaz shook her head. “Anywho, Fev... so the ancestry couldn’t find anything on your family, huh?”
“No, I guess none of my potential family has done one yet so they’re not in the system. At least, I’ll be in there if or whenever they do but I decided to leave that alone,” I told her. I didn’t want to know who my family was. If they wanted to know me, they would’ve been looking for me.
“I feel you. I got mine back, and it said I had two percent Indian in me, and I can see it in my cheekbones.” She leaned her cheek over to me and I fell out laughing.
We sat around cracking jokes and hanging out for the next few hours just having a good time. My phone started ringing, and I picked it up to see who it was, and it was Legacy. Again. I placed it back on the counter and ignored it. Jaz peered over at the phone and shook her head at me.
“Fev, you wrong as fuck for treating him like that. He loves the shit out of you. He’s in this shit now; no matter what you do, he will still be hurt. He doesn’t deserve to be shut out. I know you think you’re doing this for him but you’re not,” she said, and the doorbell started going off.
I went to look through the peephole and my heart started beating fast as hell.
He was here, and I knew if I opened that door, I wouldn’t be able to let him go.
He finally stopped knocking and calling and left.
I let out a breath along with some tears.
Jaz pulled me in for a hug and I cried it out while Kasia rubbed my back.
“Friend, you’re not in this alone. We’re here for you and baby girl and so is he. You gotta let him love you and be here for you though,” Kasia said to me.
Once I calmed down, we went back into the kitchen to have some wine and to smoke some of my medical weed because I needed it right now. An hour later, we were in here fucked up, and dancing to Pop Dat Thang by DaBaby.
“Teach me how to turn you to my bae and I’ma learn.
If I don’t feel goin out my way, then I’ma turn.
Go the other way, ain’t even finna lie. The way that booty moving in that dress, I’m finna ask ya if you wanna fuck today,” Jaz rapped, hands on her knees as she threw that big ole booty in a circle.
The three of us were acting like some fools and had assembled into a soul train line so we could show off our individual dance moves. We were cheering each other on as we all took turns dancing down the line then when Jaz’s turn came to shine, my girl dropped down into a damn Chinese split.
“Okayyy friend,” Kasia clapped.
“Right!” I laughed. “Jaz said she finna show us heffas.”
“And did.” Jaz pursed her lips with a nod.
After the song went off, I went to grab a bottle of water from the fridge so I could cool myself off. A loud drilling sound came from the living room and we all stopped to look at each other in confusion.
“What’s that noise?” Jaz questioned.
“It sounds like it’s coming from the living room,” Kasia said, peeping down the hall. The three of us headed down the hall and when we made it to the living room, my hands flew up to my mouth. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.