CHAPTER 71
Emma
Phyllis assured me that Finn’s house would be empty today, so I’m back here to get the last of my belongings from my bedroom and bath.
My former bedroom and bath.
I collect my toiletries and a pair of shoes from under the bed. I run downstairs to retrieve some clean clothes from the dryer. I shove everything into the duffel.
With one last longing glance at my dream kitchen—and yes, I do mean my kitchen—I head to the front door. I’m about to step out onto the porch when I almost collide with Finn.
“Emma!”
I drop my bag inside so Jasmine won’t see it. Then I shut the door and step onto the porch. Jasmine hugs me around the waist. “Emma! Declan took us in his plane to Los Angeles. We flew over Disneyland. Dad said he’s going to take me there next month. Can you come with us?”
“I… uh… that sounds wonderful.”
“Dad, can I go for a ride?”
“If Summer goes with you.”
Jasmine runs toward the stables, her dark hair flying behind her. Which leaves Finn and I alone. I keep my focus firmly on the center of his chest. I don’t want to look any higher.
“Excuse me,” I say, opening the door and grabbing my bag. I sling the strap over my shoulder and start down the stairs.
“I took Jasmine to an expert in Los Angeles.”
Finn’s voice is clipped. I stop in the middle of the lane, my back to him.
“He diagnosed her with dyslexia, but he’s going to create a plan for her going forward. He explained that she’s been using memorization to fool us all.”
I pause. I hope this is an apology, but even if it is, it doesn’t change anything. He didn’t pay attention to me. He dismissed me. I wasn’t worth listening to. In his eyes, I’m a pathetic victim.
“I wanted you to know that she’ll have everything she needs. You were right, Emma.”
I try to speak, but my throat closes on me. I shake my head and run.
Somehow, I make it back to Phyllis and Jamie’s place. I have no memory of running down the road or carrying my bag. I’m in a fog. I feel empty. But somehow, I make it into the house, run up the stairs, and collapse onto the bed of their guestroom.
Phyllis arrives at my door. “Oh, little one,” she says sweetly. She sits next to me on the bed. “This is your home until you’re on your feet. And I don’t mean right up until you get a crappy job somewhere. I mean, when you’re one hundred percent on your feet and in a good place in your life.”
I choke out a sob, and she embraces me.
I’m so grateful for her kindness and support. I’m grateful I have a roof over my head. But I gave myself to Finn. If I’m truthful with myself, I gave him my heart.
I fell in love with him.
And he dismissed me. Just like everyone in my life.
“I can’t be loved,” I say this more to myself than to Phyliss. I gulp down air. “I’m not good enough to be loved. Or to belong anywhere.”
“That’s not true. That’s the furthest thing from the truth.”
“My parents didn’t want me. No family ever wanted me. I was never adopted. All those foster families, and no one ever fought to keep me.”
Phyllis hugs me tighter, and I feel my body lurch with the force of my sadness. This time I don’t have the strength to stop it. I can’t manage how others see me anymore. It doesn’t even matter.
I’m a nothing. A nobody. I don’t matter.
“Fools. They’re all fools, honey. Anyone who wouldn’t want you is an idiot.”
“Great. Even an idiot can’t love me.”
“Are you talking about any one idiot in particular, by any chance?”
That makes me laugh.
“There has to be a story behind what happened when you were little.” Phyllis releases me from her embrace and holds me steady in front of her.
I shake my head, not following her.
“Your people, honey.” She gently touches her fingertip to my heart. “Your blood, your family story. I’m going to find out what it is. Finn is such a whiz that he could get into the CIA’s computers if he wanted. It would take him a few minutes to discover who your parents are. Or were.”
Phyllis pauses, and her face droops.
“What good would that do?”
“I bet you that there’s information out there that will change the way you view your own story.
That you can be loved and that you were, and that somehow, things got all messed up.
You’ve been through a lot, Emma. I can see it, the pain you’re in.
Maybe if we start at the very beginning, you can start to heal. ”
I stare at Phyllis in wonder. She’s such a kind-hearted woman.
She’s been warmer to me and more dependable than any person I’ve ever known.
But I can’t imagine what difference additional information would make to me now.
“It’s a nice thought. But let’s say I finally get into those records and discover why my parents abandoned me.
How’s that going to help me find peace?”
Phyllis gives me another hug. “In my experience, the worst possible pain is not knowing. But that’s just me.” She pats my back and stands. “Auntie Phyllis is on the job. If I find something, I’ll let you know, and it can be your choice if you want to look at it.”
I nod. I doubt she’ll find anything. I’ve been looking since I was sixteen. But if it makes her happy to try, that’s fine. “Thank you,” I say.
“Now, I have a quick errand to run, but stay here. When I come back, I’ll make sure the house is cleared out for the rest of the day, and you and I can have a quiet evening. Hot cocoa with brandy in it. Or maybe brandy with hot cocoa in it.”
She leans in and touches my chin, lifting it. She smiles down at me. “It’ll work out, honey. It always does, even if it takes us a little bit to see the whole picture. You have a right to be as sad and angry as you want, but there’s always a way to see things differently.”
Tears sting my eyes, and I’m shocked to see Phyliss’s full of tears, too. For just an instant, she reminds me of someone outside the context of Yosemite Ranch. But I can’t figure it out.
“Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back in a jiffy.”