CHAPTER 48
Debra
“Where do you want to go?” she asked.
“I don’t know. It looks like everyone’s spreading out. There’s the den, but it’s filled with sex toys. There’s this room, but it’s kind of out in the open, and people will be in and out. I think Kristina and Jennifer are going to go back outside.”
“Well, they had such a good time out there last night; I don’t see why they wouldn’t,” Debra joked.
“Hey, we had a pretty good time last night, too,” Sharon reminded her.
“Oh, I know. A very good time.” Debra moved into her and placed her free hand on Sharon’s hip. “We could go to the bedroom.”
“And we’d actually do this activity?” Sharon asked. “Or would you try to get handsy?”
“I would do the activity,” she said, chuckling.
“Oh. Well, bummer.”
Debra laughed then and said, “Come on. We can do the activity, and if we finish early, we’ll already be in the bedroom and can do whatever we want until dinner.”
She held out her hand for Sharon to take.
“Should we grab anything out here just in case we decide to do that?”
“No, because Nia is watching us all, trying to make sure we follow the rules. If we want something, we can come back out and get it.”
“Okay. Let’s go,” Sharon replied. “I’m kind of excited to hear your songs.”
“Probably because you’ve never heard them before. My favorites were on the radio before you were even born.”
“The age thing again?” Sharon asked, taking her hand, and they walked back toward the bedroom together.
“Not how you mean. Just that we’re pretty far apart in age, so my favorite songs, movies, shows, and things like that might not be the same as yours.”
“That’s a good thing, right? We have things we can share with each other that the other person hasn’t experienced or might not know.”
“Yeah,” she said, realizing that was true.
Debra had been treating this age gap between them as a thing that could get in the way of them making it work, but it could also work for them.
It might be that liking different things would give them more stuff to talk about rather than less.
While she would never trade a single day she had with her wife and wished more than anything that she hadn’t lost her, Debra could admit that they were very similar.
Obviously, they were the same age, but they also had a lot of things in common.
They shared a favorite show, liked all the same movies, hated the same movies, had a band in common, and generally shared hobbies.
Debra wouldn’t say that things had gotten boring overall, but there had been periods of time in their relationship when things hadn’t been exciting anymore, which was normal, of course, and happened with any couple after a period of time.
She did miss having things to do and talk about, though.
Because they’d shared so many interests and hadn’t had many differences, they hadn’t had a lot to discuss outside of the basics, so one time, Debra had suggested that they each choose a hobby, and it would be something they’d do on their own or with friends and not with one another to give them something new to enjoy and relay to each other that hadn’t involved the other person.
She had gone off and researched. Her wife had done the same.
When they’d promptly returned to talk about the hobbies they’d decided to try, it had been the same hobby.
They had laughed and done it anyway, but it hadn’t solved the bit of boredom that had crept into their relationship.
It was possible that with Sharon, she’d have some of the same and a little different, and Debra wasn’t sure how she felt about that because she didn’t know if it would change the feelings she had for her wife.
If they’d been missing having differences and she could have those, along with everything else, with Sharon or someone else, did that mean that her wife wasn’t the love of her life how she thought?
“Hey, what’s going on in that head of yours?” Sharon asked when they entered the bedroom and Debra closed the door behind them.
“Nothing. I was thinking about the songs I want to play for you.”
“That’s a lie,” Sharon said and put her hands on Debra’s shoulders. Then, she pushed Debra gently down to sit on the end of the bed and added, “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine. Just don’t lie, babe.”
“Can I play you a song?”
“Yes, that’s why we’re here.”
She handed one of her Bluetooth headphones to Sharon, put the other in her ear, and when she found the song she wanted to play on her phone and pressed play, Have I Told You Lately by Rod Stewart began playing.
Sharon looked up at her, probably waiting for Debra to tell her why she’d chosen this song.
“This was our song,” she said.
Sharon nodded.
“We used to say it around the house all the time. ‘Have I told you lately?’ And the other one would reply, ‘That I love you.’ It became so much a part of our relationship that we almost got tattoos one time when we’d gone to dinner for our anniversary and had a few too many drinks.
There was a tattoo parlor down the street, and she’d convinced me to go.
We walked in the door, heard the sound of the machine, and turned right around when we saw the facial expression of the person sitting in the chair.
They were all scrunched up in pain. We laughed about it and went home.
” Debra swallowed. “I haven’t listened to this song since she died. ”
“No?” Sharon asked.
“I couldn’t.”
“Why now?”
“Because anyone I date has to know that she’ll always be a part of me.
I’ll always love her. It won’t lessen the love I feel for someone else, but my love for her won’t go away, either.
When we walked in here, I was thinking about what you said: that having differences could be good for us.
And I think that’s true, but it made me think that my wife and I didn’t have many of those at all.
We never did, and we grew together. It wasn’t the most exciting relationship in the world, and it wasn’t perfect – we fought at times, and it was boring sometimes, too – but I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything. ”
“I’d never ask you to do that,” Sharon replied.
“But can you be okay knowing that I have this long history with her and that even though she’s gone, she’ll always be around somehow? Most of my memories are with her.”
“Can I promise you that I won’t get jealous?
No,” Sharon answered. “Can I promise to tell you when I am? I don’t even know that I can make that promise.
I guess all I can say is that you’re only forty-five, and people can live to be well over a hundred these days.
If it’s not me, and it’s someone else, you could have the rest of your life with someone and form some new memories with them.
You could end up being with them longer.
I’m not saying that diminishes anything with your wife, because it doesn’t – nothing should or will – but if someone is scared away by the fact that you had a love and that love died, they’re not the right person for you.
All I know right now is that I like you.
Listening to this song with you and talking about her won’t scare me away, so if you want to keep talking about this song or play another one that meant something to you, her, or both of you, that’s okay. I want to listen.”
“I might cry if I do that.”
“That’s okay, too,” Sharon replied and took her hand in both of her own.
“If we’re doing this, we’re really doing it.
I don’t want halfway. I don’t want you to hold part of yourself back because you’re worried about how I’ll feel talking about your wife, and I want to be able to be myself with you, too, and tell you things or cry if I need to. ”
“I want that,” Debra replied.
“Okay. Then, tell me more about this song. You’re listening to it for the first time in a long time. How does it feel?”
“It hurts,” she shared. “But it also feels good in a way, listening to it with you.”
“Want to start it over and just listen to it? We don’t have to talk through it. We can lie down, and I’ll hold you.”
“That actually sounds really nice,” she said with a smile.
Debra wasn’t sure how she had gotten so lucky. Sharon seemed to know just what to say and do, and she knew what Debra needed without her having to mention it.
Sharon moved first until her head was back against the pillow, and she held her arm out, silently asking Debra to join her. Debra did and placed her head on Sharon’s chest. Her phone was moved to Sharon’s stomach, and she pressed the screen to start the song over again.
It had been easier to talk through the music because she hadn’t allowed herself to hear the lyrics.
Now, in their shared silence, she could hear them all.
She could hear her wife’s terrible singing voice trying to sing those lyrics to her as they did dishes.
She could feel her wife pressed up against her when they’d danced to the song in the living room.
The tears came slowly at first, but by the time the song ended, they were in full force, and she felt Sharon move underneath her.
Expecting her to want to get away from a clearly broken woman, she went to sit up, but Sharon had only been reaching for a box of tissues on the table.
She passed one to Debra and moved the box to the bed right next to them.
“Again?” Sharon asked her softly.
Debra nodded and pressed play. She held the tissue to her face and continued to cry until she just couldn’t cry anymore. Then, she stopped the song and wiped her face.
“Want to play a different song now?” Sharon asked, running her soothing hand through Debra’s hair.
“I want you to play one,” she replied with a sniffle. “I don’t want this to be all about me.”
“I will,” Sharon said. “But I’m okay going through all of yours first.”
“All of mine will probably make me cry,” she said with a little chuckle.
“I’m sure there’s a song you love that doesn’t make you cry. Just pick that one. We can do this all day, if we want, so there’s nothing stopping us from playing a hundred songs.”
“My dad and I used to listen to Queen together. He loved them and shared that with me.”
“I love Queen,” Sharon told her.
“No, you don’t.” Debra shook her head in disbelief.
“Want to check my phone? My mom loved playing them when she cooked dinner, so I grew up listening to them. My favorite is Somebody to Love.”
“That’s one of my favorites, too,” she shared. “Want to listen to it? I have it.”
“Yeah, let’s do it,” Sharon replied and kissed the top of her head before Debra pressed play.