Chapter 16
The ride back was quiet, my frustration hanging loud in the air, cold and thick.
Birdie played with her doll and the alfalfa in the back of Ma’s square body Chevy truck.
After getting back to the house, we began prepping some of the meat for the birria.
All the seasoning and spices tickled my airways.
“So, are you going to tell me why Jax is calling you Ma?” I demanded answers.
She laughed, beguiled. “I knew something was mustering up inside of you. You were awfully quiet the whole ride home,” Ma replied as she chopped her herbs.
“Since when are you friends with the guy who broke your daughter’s heart?” I questioned Ma in all seriousness, twirling my eyes to the gods themselves.
“Faye, that was a long time ago. You both were kids. And you broke each other’s hearts, nina,” Ma exclaimed, wiping her hands on her apron.
I gasped at her audacity. “He left, I didn’t. He broke things off with me, after I needed him!” I couldn’t believe my ears!
“That’s not fair. You left too, Faye. What happened, it was too much for you both to bear so young, mija,” Ma responded with sadness in her weathered brown eyes.
“Ma, stop beating around the bush and answer me, please!” Birdie was settled in the living room watching Halloween Town, coloring.
Ma shushed me. “Diana passed three years ago from cancer. After she passed, I would swing by and drop off food any time I could. Diana was the glue of that family. I just wanted to help any way I could. They treated you so well. It was the least I could do.” Ma’s voice cracked as she spoke.
I went blank and immediately felt guilt berate me. I was such a sasshole.
“What, why didn’t you tell me?” I asked regretfully.
Ma began seasoning the meat intensely with the fresh herbs from her garden.
“You were busy living your life, I didn’t want to bother you.
Plus, I knew how you felt about Jax. You were still angry with him, so I figured I’d leave it alone.
What you both went through so young, it was…
” I could tell Ma was thinking before she spoke.
“Ma, just stop, please.” I refused to have this conversation, I wouldn’t… I couldn’t.
“You can’t be mad at him forever, Faye. He was a kid, and so were you. How long are you going to blame him for things out of his control?” Ma asked me, in her tiled kitchen full of wallpaper.
Out of his control? Her words stung. “He abandoned me. He chose that!” I became more angry by the second.
“You don’t understand, mija.” Ma shook her head.
I wasn’t having it. I did understand, I understood all too well.
It was the pain that ached at me, and still does.
I understood all of it because I had to live with it every day.
It was the reason I ran from this place and seeked comfort in another too soon, and it was the gravest mistake I ever made.
I left the kitchen and went to my room like a damn defeated child.
The truth was, I was upset that Ma and Jax had formed this relationship behind my back.
I was even more upset at the fact that she didn’t tell me Diana had passed.
Three years ago? Why didn’t anyone tell me?
Was I that self-centered and so caught up in my life that people couldn’t bother me with this type of information?
Diana and Bjorn had become a second family to me.
They were there for me through everything.
I couldn’t help but feel a certain dread come over me, remembering Jax at the bar—“Tell Ma I said hi.” I didn’t even ask about his parents.
I felt my heart crack violently above my rib cage.
We made the birria, and an extra batch for the Grimwood’s.
I hadn’t even thought about the day I decided to stop waiting for Jax, and decided to move on with my life.
I tried to bury it, a skeleton ruthlessly living in my closet, its pure existence torturing me, like my horrid dreams, haunting me, distressing me, waiting in the deepest darkest parts of me to remind me of my pain that held me captive.
Six years ago-
“Are you sure you want to do this, mija?” Ma tossed her flautas in the cast iron pan, her flowy dress and apron twirling as she made sudden movements.
“Yes, he loves me. He wants to take care of me.” I sat at our weathered table, taking a sip of my champurrado. The Mexican hot chocolate warmed my taste buds.
“But do you love him?” Ma asked as she set the last batch of flautas in her glass vintage casserole dish.
The question stumped me, the agonizing question wrapped its tentacles around me. I tried love and it broke me. “He makes me happy,” I replied, murmuring underneath my mug.
“Happiness comes and goes, mija, but love is what matters. Not everything that shines is gold, entiendes (understand)?” Ma contested, as she set out the vintage Mexican clay plates for us to eat.
“This wouldn’t have anything to do with you running away, would it?” Ma asked, curiously as she served me crispy flautas and Mexican rice.
My stomach groaned, famished, my taste buds salivating. “Running from what exactly?” I replied hastily, sticking my fork into my food, slicing the flautas in half, an exact replica of how I felt. In fucking half. Broken.
“A certain cowboy?” Ma waited for a solid response as she sipped her cafecito.
My emotions were split in half. Half of me wanted to stay, and the other half wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and leave everything behind.
A true chance at a new beginning—a fresh start, a new life.
It sounded so refreshing and exactly what I needed.
Away from this town, from anything that reminded me of Jaxon.
It had been six months and still no word from him.
The pain was capsular and engraved into my calloused heart, marking his absence in my life more permanent every day.
I stabbed my food, placing the cold metal between my mouth, chewing away at my bitterness and heartache.
“Perhaps you aren’t the only one running, mi amor.” With that, Ma grabbed her finished plate and rinsed her dish in the sink. I sat there in silence, as if she didn’t just drop a truth bomb on me.
I immediately lost my appetite, picking at my rice.
I waited. I waited for him and he never came.
He never fought. He left me when I needed him.
Weak men had broken me so often, I had no other choice but to be strong.
But Vadon, he was there at my weakest points, he was there offering me everything my inner child desired.
A home, a family. Something I never had.
I knew nothing in the world came close to that.
I just wanted to be happy. I didn’t want to suffer anymore, I just wanted someone to love me unconditionally, was that so bad?
I faced Ma in the kitchen grabbing the packed plastic container in the fridge packed with birria. “I’ll drop it off. I’m sure they would want it fresh.” I knew I owed Jax an apology, and my condolences. Ma nodded her head at me, and gave me a reassuring smile.
“I’ll get the nina to bed, don’t worry.” Ma rushed me out of the house.