Chapter 27 Faye
Avi and Creed’s engagement party was perfect.
A gothic ball daydream, with different shades of black and off white, and black lace linens that covered the round tables.
The tables each had a center piece of fresh black flowers, and a picture of both of them on the hiking trip where Creed proposed.
Their celebration was set up on the Grimwood farm, and Selene being as brilliant as she was, had huge party tents up, all of them decorated with string lights and black tapestries.
There were even balloons and flower arches as you entered.
It was beautiful. It was everything I had imagined it would be for Avi.
She deserved this moment and I was so happy for her.
Although, the last time I was at a wedding it was my own, and it took me back to that day.
A day I had lived to regret. Mesmerized by the candle flame, my memories transcended me into a different time.
A time when I no longer wanted to be alive.
Five years ago-
The candle flame burned on the center piece.
Everything seemed to be perfect. So why did I feel so much dread?
I had never imagined myself pregnant on my wedding day.
Or even a wedding day at all. Did you dream of being a bride when you were a child?
Did you dream of a big wedding and a princess dress?
I dreamt of running wild with horses. I dreamt of freedom, a love so tender I never flinched at it.
I had failed. I picked at the beads on my wedding dress, eyeing my reflection and my swollen belly.
I turned the shower water on so I could process it alone.
This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, wasn’t it?
Wasn’t this what us girls dreamt of? A big lavish wedding, a wealthy husband.
Black mascara tears rolled down my pink, blush cheeks.
I fought my cries so he wouldn’t hear me.
How could I have everything, yet feel so empty?
Did I perhaps entertain the idea that after we wed, maybe that raw connection and passion would set into place?
I laughed at myself as I looked up in disdain at myself in the shower mirror.
“You foolish fucking girl,” I whispered to my idiotic reflection.
I was four months pregnant with Birdie and my dress was so tight I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I wanted to rip out like The Hulk. The overly beaded dress suffocated my lungs.
Everything was suffocating, including my life.
Everyone gushed at how beautiful the wedding was.
Then there were certain family members who I could hear snickering about me—I tried to ignore it all night.
A part of me just wanted the night to be over, and thank fuck, it almost was.
Shouldn’t I be over the moon? Making love to my husband?
The single thought repulsed me. Vadon walked into the hotel room, annihilated like he always was.
His drunken ruckus in the hotel room was heard over the shower stream, and my skin instantly crawled in disgust.
I stepped out of the bathroom carefully in my wrapped towel, after my long anticipated shower.
Vadon sat there on the bed with a deadpan face as if he was just waiting for me.
His dark, obscure eyes peered up at me. Vadon just sat there in complete silence, scaring me.
I knew Vadon was gone. I knew now I was dealing with a different man, a demon.
One I had gotten to know very well. Vadon sober was a gambling, possessive, controlling person.
But Vadon intoxicated was something else entirely.
He was my worst nightmare. Just two months prior to the wedding, he went on a drunken binge and didn’t come home for days.
It was the second time he’d done it to me and both times it was a different story.
How all the guys went four wheeling, how he’d stayed over at his best friend Mike’s, instead of coming home.
The first time I believed him. But each time it was becoming more difficult to be so naive.
This second time, I was pregnant with Birdie, and he’d come home the morning after, telling me he fell asleep in his friend’s car.
I could smell the liquor tainting his pores, still a stain on his breath.
I knew he was lying, so why didn’t I leave?
I would drown in shame those nights. While he snored, I would swallow my tears and my self worth.
I knew I had made the wrong decision, to leave the only place I ever felt safe.
That feeling of love and safety was now so foreign.
I hadn’t felt genuinely happy in so long, yet I still married him.
Was I too stubborn to go crying back to Ma’s, that I’d rather suffer in silence, than to have all the townspeople say, “I told you so.” To laugh and make a mockery of me, knowing that I failed miserably.
I rubbed my swollen belly. I had really done it this time, hadn’t I?
Yet, I was still here in this lavish resort with this drunken enraged man.
I was a caged bird before, but now the cage had locked me in and I had no one to blame but myself, feeling so stuck and confused.
I wanted to just disappear, I wanted the pain to end, I wanted to crumble.
“Take off that towel, Faye,” Vadon demanded, his icy tone striking my unsettled nerves.
“Please, my feet are so swollen, I’m exhausted.” I stood there drenched from my shower, covering myself with my white cotton towel, fear creeping into my throat.
“What, you don’t want to fuck your husband on our wedding night?” His black eyes narrowed in on me. My heart began to race, knowing the monster was behind the drunken lens.
“Please, Vadon, I’m tired. Can we just cuddle and go to bed?” I said, trying not to irritate the monster further. “Come on, let’s lay down, please.” Fear grew rapidly in my tired, heavy bones.
Vadon laughed in drunken vexation. “You were nothing but a whore who danced on bars, and I saved you from that life. You selfish fucking bitch!” Vadon stood fiercely now in my face, his spit flying from his mouth to my face.
“You won’t even fuck me on our wedding night?
” Vadon snickered. “I see the way you look at my friend Kevin. Are you fucking him? Is that why you won’t fuck me? ”
I stood there, frozen, stuck in fawn. Disassociating somewhere else, anywhere else away from him, from here.
Vadon grabbed the resort chairs in our suite, throwing them, breaking them to pieces only mere inches from me.
I stood frozen in time, petrified. I gazed at the splintered wooden chairs broken all over the floor.
Only thoughts and screams I couldn’t voice out loud.
What have I done? I dropped my towel and I hugged him closely to my chest, terrified the monster would overcome him. Vadon shook me violently.
“I love you, don’t you get it, why don’t you love me how I love you? You fucking rotten bitch!” Vadon screamed, his veins protruding from his neck as he cried and screamed in my arms, as my body shook, still frozen.
I kissed Vadon, hoping it would stop the monster as he cried into my mouth, attempting to kiss me. I held my gags back as tears stained my cheeks. Terrified for my unborn child, I began stroking his tiny flaccid dick, hoping to distract him so he wouldn’t hurt us. Please, gods, help me.
Not a vow, not a ring, not even a big wedding will guarantee you a person that respects and loves you.
These things simply can not be bought. They are taught, learned.
Not given or bought. My reality sank its teeth deep into me.
Nothing would change, would it? I twisted the four carat diamond ring with my thumb nervously, and stood before him, nude and fearful.
I had to fake it, to play this part, to make sure my baby survived.
My instincts took the lead, overriding my fear.
Two feet away is where the furniture he smashed landed.
Two feet, I could have lost my baby. Two fucking feet.
I unbuttoned his shirt with shaky hands, while he looked at me with disdain.
I kissed him slowly, attempting to calm him down, withholding the bile in my throat.
The fear wanted me to fail in my facade.
Vadon crashed his lips into mine, the taste and aroma of liquor strong as he breathed heavy and thick into my mouth.
I led him to the bed as I got on top of him.
My fear would not win today. We would survive another day.