Chapter 40
Today was a day I’ve spent excruciating years trying to forget.
It was Thanksgiving and this day always triggered me.
Things were going well with Jax, but it seemed like the past was still haunting me.
Dealing with secrets of my own that I battled silently, things beyond my explanation.
The vastness was growing in my chest with anxiety and panic.
I paced to my bathroom so I could rinse my face.
In the same tiled bathroom with floral wallpaper I had been in that same day.
That day being my undoing. My heart was left desolate.
Scarred and wounded beyond any magical spells or crystals could heal.
Nothing would ever make me forget. Nothing ever could.
I was holding on to the agonizing ache that I carried like a ball and chain.
Six years ago-
I could smell Ma’s oven-baked turkey and ham.
The delicious aroma made my stomach grumble.
My favorite was her green bean casserole.
Lately all I craved was beans, which was insanity because I hated beans, and I knew Ma had started to grow suspicious.
Thank the gods it was the season of cooler months, and I could hide my bloated belly underneath hoodies and sweaters.
“Bean” is what we named our unknown baby.
I was twelve weeks today and still couldn’t fully grasp that life was growing inside my womb.
We both had just turned nineteen. Were we ready?
Most definitely not. By all means, this was not how I expected life to go, but here we were.
Jax and I were going to try and make the best of it.
He promised me we would figure it out. We spoke of plans to move into the cabin northwest of the farm quarters.
A cabin that had been vacant for some time.
It was now used to store farm equipment and materials.
I wasn’t sure when I’d tell Ma. I wasn’t showing yet, and so far no one had suspected a thing.
The only one who would out me was Stevie, constantly smelling Bean and perking up his ears every time I was tending to the horses.
“Shh, boy, Ma doesn’t know yet and I don’t want to give her a heart attack on Thanksgiving day, so behave and be cool,” I whispered to him, Stevie rubbed his muzzle on my belly, his mane wagging back and forth in excitement.
I took off my boots and coat, rinsing my hands when I suddenly felt a sharp pain on the left side of my belly.
I scrunched over in pain and dropped the shovel on the barn wood floor.
Breathing through the pain, I headed to the kitchen for some water.
I laid in bed with cramps and pains for what seemed like hours, too prideful and scared to reveal my secret.
Desperation began to sink me under its grasp, a part of me knowing deep down something was very wrong.
I got another sharp pain so intense, I ran to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet in agony.
I wiped, and an alarming amount of blood stained the toilet paper and the toilet bowl.
I shook and immediately began to scream.
Shock began settling in. All I could do was sink to the floor in my puddled white sweatpants.
Drowning in my pain, my body in shock, I began to shake furiously, vomiting in the sink as it all became too much.
Not knowing what was happening to me, all I could do was stay frozen as I screamed.
“Please help me!” I begged anyone, to any god that could hear my torment, and for once in my life prayed to the gods I didn’t even believe in.
I lifted my bloody, shaky hands, staring at them in shock.
The bathroom wallpaper in the background was becoming blurry.
“No, no, no, please!” I pleaded to none one and everything all at once.
Ma barged into the blood stained bathroom, finding me on the floor, everything fading out as my consciousness left me.
The darkness comforted me, taking me deep under its undertow, not wanting to wake up from this peaceful sleep, where I felt nothing.
I awoke slowly as my vision orbed in and out, my eyesight still blurry.
My senses slowly faded back in, the hospital’s monitors beeping noise casually waking me from my peaceful sleep.
I could smell latex and alcohol, fuck, I knew this distinction all too well.
I despised the smells of hospitals. The noises and scent of hospitals reminded me of all my childhood visits, going through hours of testing, the doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me.
My vision narrowed in and solidified every object, and it became clear.
I remembered why I was here. I brought my hand full of IVs to my belly.
My bean was gone. The wails began crawling from my throat, not being able to keep them in, my tears trying to cleanse my loss. “Bean, please come back,” I sobbed.
What had I done wrong? How could this happen, and why?
I had no answers, just confusion, and a deep torment.
The doctors reassured me it was nothing that I did.
So why did I feel like it was my fault? I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
It felt like someone ripped out my heart from my very chest and now it was just vacant.
I felt like life was ripped right out of me.
I had no say. No control. I caved into myself, into my bed.
Wondering what he or she would have looked like.
If our baby would have had Jax’s hazel eyes, and my dark hair.
I would never get to hold or kiss our baby.
It wasn’t fair and it hurt so bad. I wanted to just disappear.
How would I break this news to Jax, how could I possibly break my heart twice.
I had known he was so excited to be a father.
I decided Jaxon seeing me like this would ruin him.
After being cleared to go home, I knew I had to tell him in person.
I needed to be with him, the exhaustion hitting me like a brick.
Ma brought me herbal tea in bed. “We wanted to do it together, when we had more figured out, so you all wouldn’t be worried.” I was worried what her reaction would be. Would she be disappointed? Would she disown me? Or better yet, curse me to the gods?
Ma held me tight, crying with me. “Some things are never lost, mija,” she said, sitting the bowl of albondiga soup down on my weathered rustic dresser with a look of remorse.
“I’m so sorry I kept this from you, Ma,” I said, sitting up in my vintage white bed, my thick wool Mexican blankets hugging me.
I was disappointed in myself, sipping my tea, wishing this heating pad fucking worked.
I hated everything right now and was not feeling an ounce of guilt for my anger, knowing it was just buried grief.
“Shhh. Never, ever think like that. I thought it was odd you were eating all those frijoles.” Ma and I chuckled over tears.
“You would have been a great mother, Faye, and you still will,” she said, smiling at me.
She always loved me so fiercely and tenderly.
“Whatever is meant to be will be, always,” Ma reassured me, and took a picture of the first sonogram.
“We will add this to the ofrenda every year.” Our eyes met with broken smiles and broken hearts.I prayed to Micta that he would let our bean cross that bridge to visit me.
I was more concerned about breaking the news to Jax in person.
We both knew this pregnancy was too soon and we were too young.
But despite that, Jax seemed excited, no matter the fear that we shared as unexpected parents.
What would I even say? How would I face him with this painful reality?
I grabbed my keys and headed towards the Grimwood farm in my black single cab Chevy.
I had to tell him, and the worst part, it was Thanksgiving.
I thought about concealing this news until tomorrow, but I just couldn’t take this heartbreak alone.
I needed him. I needed him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay.
Jax deserved to know. I couldn’t keep this from him, knowing this would ultimately send him into a whirlwind of emotions if I kept it from him any longer.