Chapter 18
Blair
Fate had always been a tricky thing.
It could never be maneuvered or changed.
At the end of the day, when everything you’ve deserved catches up to you, you’re left with a choice: to stay and run or to live and embrace.
Most people would run away from their problems like I had a history of doing, but there was always lingering regret of what could have been, and now that Konstantin offered me to have a normal life again, it was indeed tempting. This was the chance I’d longed for.
Now, it was in the palm of my hands.
He’s leaving. Konstantin was leaving today, and I didn’t know what to do.
Heavy distraught sat on the edge of my shoulders; the chains of guilt tightened around my heart as I kneeled in front of the altar with hands to my chest, gazing up at a martyred Jesus on the Cross.
At noon as the sun reached its peak, the solace of the empty church should have felt comforting, but all I felt was the cold air and stares. The perpetual judgment of my sins.
The choice felt obvious, but was it mine?
The one thing I wanted so badly was to go and see my son and live a life with him and Konstantin, but I knew he would be safer with me away. That was the safe option. The right option.
Maybe?
“Ugh,” sighing, trying to find some sense of peace but to no avail.
God, tell me what to do.
Sensing a judgmental gaze piercing my temple, I lifted my head and from beyond the altar watched Reverend Mother Francis gazing with a soft curiosity. She leaned against the nearest wall. “Can we talk, Blair?” she asked in a low, kind voice.
Not right now.
Shrugging my shoulders up, I sassed, “Do I have a choice?”
Truly, out of all days, today wasn’t the day I wanted to deal with her.
“Dear, we all do.”
What has gotten into her?
During all this time, she never showed any interest other than getting us in trouble. What changed?
Well, what can I lose? I’m already away from what I love the most and deciding to leave someone who wants a piece of my heart.
“Alright.”
“Accompany me to my office, please,” she directed with the tilt of her head.
I nodded as I stood up on one knee and then the other; a static feeling shot up my leg from sitting on it for too long as I slowly followed behind her.
Making my way past the front of the church and back to the administrative quarters where the superiors and ministers stayed.
Reaching the end of the hall, the furthest door straight ahead, where a golden plaque with the words “Mother Superior” hung from it.
After she opened the door, telling me to proceed first, she then offered me a seat at the one across from hers.
Hesitantly, I sat down, unsure what she would say. Looking around the room, which you would think would be filled with luxuries, lace, and gold, it was rather simple, with only the wooden desk in the middle.
As she walked to her chair, she sat down swiftly, taking a deep exhale as she commenced, “We’ve never seen things eye to eye, Blair.
Quite frankly, it’s safe to say, we might even loathe each other.
” Well, she wasn’t wrong there. Actually, she could say that twice without a stutter.
A sheen glint of humor shaded her silver beady eyes.
“And perhaps, it’s because we’re more alike than we think. ”
My brows pushed against the other. “How so?”
“Well, many people dislike others because they see those same flaws in themselves. And you, well, you remind me of a younger version of myself.” She leaned forward, brought her hands onto the table, and folded them.
Sarcastically, I lifted one of my brows. “I— I can’t imagine that.”
The corner of her lips perked up. “I was once twenty-two, you know, and before being Mother Superior or Reverend Mother, I had family, friends, gossiped about the next-door neighbor who got knocked up by the local bad boy, did my hair and nails, and wore very, very short dresses. Momma called me a puttana once, but I could care less. I lived a very different carefree life from what I live now.”
“Really?”
What she described was a different person completely from the one in front of me. Damn, it felt like a revelation.
She nodded, her gaze turning melancholy and bitter as she ran her prickly hands through her greys. “I was even betrothed to a man, a man I very much loved.”
My mouth dropped.
“Shocker, I know.” Her comment was sardonic. “But it's true.”
“Then what happened? Why did you give up everything to become a nun?”
“I didn’t. You see, I married that man, lived and tried to have a family with him, but with one bad stroke of luck, he went from a successful businessman to a gambler, smoker, cheater, and violent abusive piece of shit I’ve ever met.
From love to hate to fear, I got to experience each one.
I tried to leave and go back to my parents, but in my time, once you’re married, you’re married forever.
No way to escape or leave. No one to support or confide in.
So I took every insult, degradation, hit, and bruise… until…”
“Until?” She had me at the edge of my seat.
“Until I killed him.”
Woah, that took an unexpected turn, yet in this moment I felt more attuned with her than ever before. Because I knew what it took to kill… to save not only yourself but the one you love the most from harm.
“He tried to hurt you, and before he could do that, you shot him.”
“It’s true I can be a ‘bitch.’ I don’t trust easily, and I really have few expectations of everyone, but it’s because of what I went through.
And that’s no excuse because at this moment I should be much more spiritually mature, but I fear I’m still the same girl who left her husband’s house.
” She brought her hands up to her veil and removed it, tossing it to the side as a cascade of silver hair ran down her back and revealed a dented scar edged from below her jaw down past her clavicle.
“All that to say, yes, I murdered my husband and ran to the convent, burying the sinister secrets I left.”
My gaze fell, sympathetic pity bubbled in my stomach. Fuck, all this time, I was wrong, so wrong. Maybe she did judge me but I judged her right back, not even knowing what she had survived. “I’m sorry.”
“What for? You did nothing.”
“I did judge you for being… well… a bitch.”
“I have to admit I haven’t learned anything else, but that will have to change.”
“Still, I can’t imagine how it feels holding that secret? Does it feel like he ruined you?”
“I kept the secret for nearly fifteen years before the unsolved case came to haunt me. The police said I was the culprit. However, I unveiled the truth with the scar on my face and a few witnesses. While the trial was unbearably long, I was exonerated not only by the law but also by the church. And although it was many years ago and it definitely stained my record, I refuse to be his victim anymore. I’m not.
I did what I did. Wrong or right, bad or good, it has been a part of my destiny to fortify my character. And I accept that.”
I clenched my teeth, murmuring. “It’s easier said than done.”
“Now, there’s something weighing heavy on your mind? What is it?”
If I told her, what could she solve? “Nothing that anyone could help with.”
“Really? How about your son?”
Weariness ripped at the seams of my center, my weakness, my son. “What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Blair, I can see the affection of a mother. The way you treat the children, whether they’re from the orphanage or not, you hold them all dear to your heart, and that’s because you’re absent from yours.”
“How do you know about that?”
“Before you came here, a man called, saying the mother of his child was coming, that she was going away for some time and needed sanctuary. Not long after, you popped up, so I connected the two.”
“Marcello,” I softly hissed under my breath, pinching the bridge of my nose as I shut my eyes. “That man—” Although we were no longer lovers, he still protected me like a guardian angel, and I appreciated him for that always.
“Blair, none of the girls who enter into the convent are saints. Not even Father Andrea.” The mere mention of his name brought back heavy, moaning flashbacks of that night he spied on us.
Now knowing what I do, the perspective of him being a saintly man was all wrong.
He was a man like any other and less perfect than what I’d thought.
“We all have our pasts, some more sinful— no more difficult than others— yet it doesn’t mean we can run. We have to face our demons head-on.”
“Well, like you, I hurt someone— someone with a lot of money and power— who almost hurt my son, and I ran to this convent to not put him in harm’s way. But I’ve been suffering every day since and recently, I meet someone—”
“Who? Where? When?” She blinked rapidly, looking around the four walls. “Is he here now?”
The irony of those questions, ha. Like I’d ever tell a soul about that. “Well, it’s a long story, but he’s made me see there is another way to repent— to live.”
“Well, what are you waiting for? It seems like you’ve made your mind up.”
“I can’t just choose to be selfish.”
“Yes, you can. Millions of people do it every day, and God doesn’t just judge you because you want to have a life outside of him. He just wants to make sure you still include him. That’s not selfish.”
“I’ve always believed whether or not he controls fate. Making you do things for one reason or another.”
“True, but God gave us one important thing he gave no other creature: free will. Meaning that what happens, good or bad, doesn’t mean it was God’s will or his absence, but it’s our reaction to it.
Whether to be controlled by our past or be able to look towards the future, that power lies with you, no one else.
The decision is yours,” Mother Superior mentioned, who was the one really controlling my destiny— and that was me.
My lips nearly faltered as I looked down at my clenched hands. “But what if I mess up again?”
“Sweetheart, life is about making mistakes. If we don’t make mistakes, we don’t learn. We don’t progress as people. God doesn’t want us to remain who we are but builds us to greater lengths.”
“And what if I wanted to be a greater person outside these four walls?”
“Then that’s your destiny.”
I peered my gaze up and met her wise glance, her narrowed cheeks nearly rounded upward. It felt like being in the care of a true mother.
“Go to your son, go fall in love, and never stop living, Blair.” For the first time ever and perhaps the last time, she flashed a genuine smile of a comrade.
And somehow, I knew exactly what I needed to do.