36. 36
The first night of Chateau Desire proved to be the worst night of sleep I had gotten in my entire time in the villa.
I tossed and turned, thoughts of Callum and feelings and all the what ifs that came with the two keeping my brain wired for hours.
The lumpy daybed didn’t help matters, and I only got a few hours of sleep at best. By the time producers instructed us to start the day, I was already exhausted and in no mood to socialize.
“You really miss Cal, don’t you?” Chiara asked me as we lay on the sun loungers. I had been about to doze off into what I had hoped would be a refreshing midday nap.
Now I had to talk about my feelings.
“I do,” I replied, breath catching in my throat as I said the words out loud. It had only been one night, twelve hours really, but the emotions I had been desperately trying to hold at bay were threatening to burst out.
Chiara must have heard it in my voice because she reached out and grabbed my hand, giving it a squeeze.
Her kindness, coupled with my exhaustion, collapsed something inside of me, and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.
“Oh, Pop,” she said, sitting up fully to face me.
I let go of her hand to wipe the tears away. I remained lying down but turned my head to face her.
“It’s so stupid,” I said, laughing through my emotions. “It’s not even been a full day.”
“Sometimes feelings can hit you out of nowhere.”
She was right about that.
“I’m fine. Really, I am. Just a weird day,” I reassured, giving her a smile.
What I didn’t want to admit, even to myself, was that it was more than just lack of sleep that had me out of whack.
Being in the villa without Callum, even for a couple of hours, had thrown me off balance.
Somewhere along the way he had become an essential part of the place, of my experience.
It was more than just missing someone to make me a coffee in the morning or go for a chat with.
He had engrained himself in the DNA of my daily life, and I kept catching myself searching for him across the yard or in the kitchen, only to remember that he wasn’t here. That he was in another villa entirely.
It was unsettling, to say the least.
“Fancy a swim?” Chiara asked, clearly trying to distract me.
Wanting to end the conversation by any means possible, I nodded and followed her into the pool.
Floating on my back, I willed the cool water to calm my shaky nerves.
There wasn’t anything I could do about my feelings for Callum.
Nor did I have any control over him being out of the villa and surrounded by five presumably beautiful girls.
All I could do was trust in the relationship we built and have faith he would be loyal not just to our deal but also to me.
In the meantime, to help retain some semblance of sanity, I needed a distraction.
So, I swam. I worked out in the outside gym. I made lunch with Ella. I even chatted with two of the new guys, Sam and Tom, who turned out to be lovely. I did everything I could to keep my mind busy and off the tall man with the green eyes I had come to miss.
***
The day slipped along, and as the sun began to set, I was called into the Love Shack to film a confessional.
To my delight, Ben was the producer to interview me.
“Ben!” I cried out, giving him a hug.
“Hello, darling,” he said back, squeezing me tight before letting me go.
I got comfortable on the red loveseat and crossed my legs under me, settling in for whatever interrogation Ben had in store.
“So, Poppy,” he said, a glint in his eye.
“Yes?”
“How are the new guys?”
“You know, they’re all really nice. Very respectful and kind. It’s been weird, obviously, not having our guys around, but the new ones aren’t bad company.”
“Do you miss Callum?” he said, a knowing look on his face.
“I do. We’ve been in here together since the beginning so it’s weird not having him around.”
“You got a bit emotional today with Chiara talking about him.”
I flinched in surprise at the mention of my mini-breakdown and then immediately felt silly for doing so. Of course the producers saw me crying. Of course they were going to bring it up. That was their job, and this was the deal.
But I had forgotten. In that moment earlier by the pool with Chiara, I forgot I was on camera.
Forgot, somewhat inexplicably, about the mic dangling around my neck.
I had been so preoccupied with my feelings about Cal that it all felt real.
Like I was away on vacation with a friend discussing our boy problems and not on a reality show being watched by millions.
I managed to mumble out some kind of reply to Ben and answer a few more of his questions before I was released and sent down the hall to get ready for the night’s cocktail party.
As I curled my hair and did my makeup, all I could think of was how my guard had slipped. How the line between the show and reality, one I had once thought so clear, was starting to blur.
And how maybe, just maybe, I didn’t actually mind.
***
Chateau Desire was designed to tempt, confuse, and lead astray.
While I had experienced my fair share of confusion over the past couple days, there was no temptation or straying for me.
I wanted Callum. It was as simple and complicated as that.
There was still a show to participate in, though, and I had to put on a brave face and throw myself into the thick of things.
I sat with Olivia as she debated between spending more time with Tom or Greg.
I held Chaira’s hand while she fretted over what Hugh was doing in the other villa.
I even found myself spending a lot of downtime with Ella.
We seemed to be on the same page in our respective matches.
“I have no interest in any of these knobheads,” she told me as we sat on the edge of the pool, trying to cool off from the oppressive heat.
And so it went, round and round, another day into another night, until we reached the final day.
I had been a bundle of nerves from the time I woke up, wondering if the matching would happen at random. If, at any point while we were laying around the pool, Gemma would walk out and announce it was time.
That didn’t make sense, of course, from a production standpoint. The boys coming back from Chateau Desire would be ratings gold, and I was sure the producers would do the most to capitalize on it.
So I waited, trying to distract myself until the sun began to set, and it became clear it would be an evening shoot. With shaky hands and a nervous stomach, I got dressed for the night, trying to find some kind of solace in the routine of getting ready.
Walking out from the glam room into the hallway, I immediately knew we were about to dive right into things when I saw two producers by the door instead of one.
Before I could comment on it to Ella, who was standing next to me, a voice sounded out behind me.
“Hello, ladies,” it said.
I turned to find the woman who had spoken.
Cecilia. The show’s executive producer whose face I hadn’t seen since walking into the villa all those weeks ago.
Cecilia didn’t strike me as the type simply to drop by to say hello, so seeing her confirmed my suspicions. There would be no cocktail party; the Matching Ceremony would happen right away.
“Follow me to the living room, please,” she said.
There were no cameramen lurking around nearby, so whatever was happening must not have been meant for air.
We filed after her and took our places around the couch.
Ben and Harry, as well as a few other producers, were here as well, leaning against the front door. Harry gave me an encouraging smile that somehow made me more nervous.
“Ladies, tonight is the end of Chateau Desire.”
Well, she was certainly wasting no time launching right into it.
“The guys are back, and they are waiting by the fire pit. Some have new matches, some have stuck with their original partner. You’re all about to find out but, first, we need you to decide what you want to do.”
This was it. The moment of truth.
“This bit isn’t for air so no need to draw it out,” Cecilia said, her directness oddly putting me at ease. “One by one, please let us know if you want to stay with your current partner or pick a new one.”
She nodded at Ella, who sat at the end of the couch.
“Stay,” she said.
Chiara was next, “Stay”
Olivia chose to partner with Tom, and Samantha chose Louis.
“Stay,” I said when it was my turn. My stomach tightened at the thought of Callum having to do the same thing.
It wasn’t that I was worried he would choose someone else.
We had been through too much for either one of us to mess it up intentionally.
I knew all of that, logically, and yet I was still a bundle of nerves.
What if our time apart led him to actually think less of me? What if he had reverted to that cold, indifferent man I met all those weeks ago?
It was too much to keep up with, the thoughts and worries and anxieties swirling around my head, so instead I tried to focus on the task at hand and let the routine of production ground me in the moment.
“Right, let’s bring Tom and Louis in,” Cecilia said, motioning to a production assistant standing by Ben and Harry. “Girls, line up by the garden door, please.”
We all stood then, crossing the room to the hallway.
Cecilia didn’t follow but simply stood and watched us as we filtered out of the living room. “Good luck,” she called out before crossing to the front door, pulling it open and disappearing into the night.
An inspirational moment from the captain of the ship.
Not.
As soon as Cecilia was out of sight, Ben and Harry sprang into action, shuffling us into place at the door.
They claimed it wasn’t in any particular order, but I didn’t believe them for a second.
I knew every moment of the night ahead would be meticulously planned and orchestrated.
The Chateau Desire Matching Ceremony was typically the second-most-watched episode of a season next to the finale.
“Poppy,” Harry said, motioning me over to the door and the front of the line.
“I’m going first?” I asked him. It came out as nothing more than a whisper.
“You’ll be great,” he said. But something about the way he was avoiding eye contact had my head spinning and my gut tightening.
He didn’t linger by me any longer than necessary, instead moving off to line the other girls up.
After me was Olivia and Samantha with their new matches, followed by Ella and then Chiara.
As we stood there, waiting for whatever the other side of the door held, it was dead silent. Even Ben and Harry, normally so chatty, were subdued. A collective anxiety simmered in the air, the pressure of the unknown almost tangible.
I tried to focus on my breathing, rocking back and forth on my heels as I took a big breath in and then let it out slowly.
“Okay,” Harry said after what felt like an eternity. “Poppy, you can go ahead.”
I took another deep breath and straightened my shoulders. I tried to hold on to the confidence I had in Callum. He would choose me, just like I had chosen him.
Everything would be okay.
And yet, as the door was pulled open and I crossed the threshold out into the warm night air, I found myself begging whatever higher being there was out there for that to be true.