Chapter 19 The Shed
THE SHED
Twenty-two years ago
The clouds lazily danced in front of the sun, splitting the rays every so often; those were the moments I enjoyed.
The field was coated in a grim shadow that mirrored my thoughts.
Sunshine was too good for me; it was too pure, too clean for my addled mind, and no one would care about the ache for sunshine that coursed through me.
She used to call me her little ray of sunshine.
Smack.
Tears welled in my eyes as I withdrew my hand from my cheek.
I shouldn’t be thinking about Mom; it was — unproductive.
She was dead now, and there was no changing that.
Weaken thoughts of a dead woman couldn’t save me no matter how much I wished for it.
I deserved to be here, locked in this place forgotten by everyone.
Even my own dad wouldn’t stay longer than ten minutes every couple of days or weeks. I’d lost track again. Stupid girl.
Accustomed to my role here, I became the perfect daughter, never showing how hungry or hurt I had become in his absence. Learning was my only passion of late. I was desperate to show Daddy I meant something, that I wasn’t useless. That I might be a mistake, but I could fix myself … for him.
My eyes latched onto wisteria blossoms around the caked windowpane, and I momentarily forgot my bout of self-hatred loneliness.
Wisteria blooms in May or June. Has it really been a month since I saw him?
A month. Stomach growls resonated around the room as if to remind me it’d been a few days since I told myself I could eat.
If I rationed well enough, I wouldn’t look horribly pale and skinny by the time Daddy came back.
I glanced back towards the bathroom. The corner of the mirror not covered by my blanket reflected a stray beam of light, a short, quick gasp slipped out.
It was Momma’s eyes that shone back at me, a fraction of the glow they were before she died.
I turned away. I couldn’t look at myself with her eyes.
I didn’t deserve to share her beauty. I fixed my gaze out the window, at the soft hues of purple, maybe pinks.
It all blurred as I blinked away rapidly increasing tears, fidgeting with my hands to keep from wailing out.
It was stupid to think of her after all this time.
I was an idiotic girl who couldn’t keep from crying about a dead woman. Momma, I missed you.
Wind twirled around the new wisteria, paused only for a moment before it whipped around the tall weeds, spinning wildflowers.
Finally, it shooed the insects to their next source of pollen.
This was a perfect day for imagination’s hold around my adolescent brain.
There was hope of a knight — no that was silly; knights only rescued beautiful princesses.
I shook my head; the dirty curls tickled my lower back.
I would need to wash soon. Soon was an awfully long time.
I’ll be back soon, my little sunflower. The unspoken thought echoed within the silence of the room as I tried to picture the voice that went with those words.
A promise never fulfilled. “You stupid girl, you shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts,” I whispered to myself as I continued to stare outwards towards freedom.
My mind cracked the longer I waited for Daddy’s return.
“One day someone would come across the shed and save me. I know it,” I said hopefully.
Tricking my brain into a false sense of security was never easy, but I felt momentary hope.
I had prayed that one day someone would come to end my existence, but when I opened my eyes next, it was like that prayer didn’t matter.
“Stop moping around, it’s depressing, do something useful,” I chastised myself.
I had to remind myself to speak more; it helped when Daddy came back.
My throat was sore; it must have been a few days since I last spoke.
Why speak if there was no one to hear you?
Silly stupid little girl, you should know it doesn’t matter if you lose your mind; Daddy would set you right again. Be patient.
The wind shook the big tree, knocking it into the side of the shed. I frowned, picking bits of the window caulking out of my broken fingernails, “Great, even my own body doesn’t want me to leave,” I sighed. Chatty today, aren’t I? It wasn’t like anyone heard me.
Frustrated, I banged against the window pane. “LET ME OUT,” I screamed. My fists pounded against the frame, willing it to budge against my assault. “AHHHHHHH,” I yelled with less steam than before. The screams vibrated my throat, making me nauseated the longer I expended the energy.
“FUCK!” I slammed my palm against the glass this time; the curse slipped free when my strength backfired. Hot tears raced down my cheeks, my lips quivered with the realization I couldn’t go anywhere unless Daddy wanted me to.
I was starved of connection. Just someone to talk to these days that blurred together.
Momma’s death was still fresh on my mind despite it being a few years ago.
The beautiful black dress Daddy had brought me never returned, and the oversized shirt wasn’t so oversized now.
I stared down at the simple red trying to remember that day, but it was a cloud of fog I could never see through, which only made me feel worse.
“How stupid of me, I can’t even remember what happened,” the sob rang out as my lips trembled.
No one wants me anymore. It was a fact I had to accept.
I’d tried befriending the mice that passed through the shed, but even they didn’t stay unless I bribed them with food. No one does anything for free.
I turned away from the window, my legs dangling off the shelf, as I looked at the surroundings.
The wooden table with three chairs partly filled the kitchen corner, if you could call a small counter, sink and microwave a kitchen.
The white porcelain of the fridge stood tall, too large to be part of the kitchen as it ran into the dining table.
The shelf groaned under my weight, or it might have been my stomach gurgling again.
There was nothing in this stupid shed that could help me escape.
I stared out the caked window again, the breeze, the sun, the clouds — all of it just out of reach.
Tears welled in my eyes again as I slammed my fist once more across the glass, not even caring if I broke down.
I was already broken. There was nothing — my eyes latched onto the brown-haired boy as he walked along the wood line.
“HELP!” I screamed, banging against the window with all my might.
“PLEASE GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I continued trying to draw the attention of the boy who probably couldn’t hear me anyway. Who’s saying he wasn’t a figment of my imagination? I continued to beat against the glass. Every strike felt like needles to my arms, but I didn’t stop.
“AHHHHHH,” I screamed, too weak to form the words as I focused on making as much noise as possible.
The boy turned towards the woods like the noise was coming from there; I was going to lose him.
With every spare fiber of strength I could manage, I kicked against the glass, screaming from the top of my lungs. “I’M HERE!”
The boy turned in a circle. Confusion crossed his face, he could hear, me but he didn’t see the shed.
I jumped off the side of the shelf, landing with a thud on the couch, and raced towards the bathroom mirror.
The mirror shattered as my hand made impact.
The hit vibrated up my arm, and I clenched my teeth as it rattled my brain.
I grabbed a shard off the floor and raced back to my delicate balance of objects I had climbed to get to that high window.
Please be real, please be real, I chanted.
I just needed him to be real. I was dying inside. Stuck.
Angling the mirror to catch the sunlight just right, almost blinding myself in the process, I directed it towards the boys’ direction. He was just looking across the field, caught in some daydream, perhaps. When the beam from the mirror caught on his chest, I almost cried out.
He’s real.
I carefully went up his torso and towards his face.
The light shone in his eyes for half a second and then nothing.
I tried angling the mirror again only to realize the clouds had decided that moment to be a pain.
When he turned away, a cry slipped free from my shaky lips.
But at the last second I was able to catch the corner of his eye.
“Yes!” I screamed, almost falling backwards.
I steadied myself and fixed the mirror, shaking it back and forth between his eyes.
He tried to move away at first, but I was quick to follow.
After a moment he looked towards the shed, and my heart drummed in my chest. Please save me, please.
He started walking in the right direction, and I occasionally flicked the mirror light in his eyes, guiding him.
He was close; his expression changed when the building came into sight.
I couldn’t imagine what the outside looked like; the window faced the backside towards the wood after all.
When he was close enough to hear, I tapped against the glass.
Not as hard as I had been, but a coaxing, unsure tap.
His eyes flicked upward, and I ducked. I don’t know why I ducked, but I did.
After a moment I peeked back through the window. He was staring at it.
I knocked again, waved and pointed towards the other side of the shed. I didn’t know whether he saw it. But a moment later I squeaked as the door rattled against its frame. Followed by heavy knocking. He’s real. I pinched myself as I clambered down from the height and made my way to the doorknob.