Chapter 47 #2
“One last thing,” Austin offered. His magnetic voice met my ear as he leaned closer and whispered his last words. “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me because I’m beyond in love with you.”
I flatlined, unable to move or respond.
He kissed my cheek and disappeared into the crowd while my family stared at me, waiting for answers.
Another auditorium, another graduation, another heartbreak.
I squeezed the handles of the gift bag in my hand and died inside all over again.
After arriving home from graduation dinner, emptiness filled my bedroom.
I sat on the floor and lost a staring contest with the mysterious bag before me.
Both Ruthie and my mother had begged me to open it at dinner, but there was no way I could allow them to influence whatever decisions lay inside.
I’d promised Ruthie a tell-all as soon as I was ready.
Was I even ready for whatever was in the bag?
If I’d learned anything about my emotions in the last year, it was that closure was a necessary evil. As much as I’d tried forgetting about Austin, refusing a final shot at closure wasn’t doing me any favors. No, Austin hadn’t been fair to me, but I could still be fair to myself.
How could I follow my heart if half of it was still missing?
Silver knitted handles hung from both sides of the impressive packaging.
Finally, I pulled it closer and untied the bow, widening the opening.
Like a claw machine, I felt around for my prize and discovered four bundles, composed of letters, and a small box, topped with a snow-white bow.
My heart fluttered intensely as I laid out the contents.
Immediately, I recognized the first bundle of letters as the ones I’d exchanged with Jesse. I hadn’t seen his handwriting in almost a year.
“He made copies,” I whispered.
They meant something to him.
My eyes welled with tears, a sting tickling them from their sockets. The letters, now separated into piles, were labeled one through four. Each had a large yellow piece of stationery attached.
Puzzled, I reached for stack number one. My nose scrunched. The twine supporting the bundle separated, falling apart in my hands with one light tug. Austin’s handwriting graced the back of the yellow square on top.
The letters in this stack are from Jesse.
I met you at Coastal Pensacola College the same day you met him.
The difference between him and me is that I never forgot you.
When I cleaned out Jesse’s bunk and found these, I couldn’t stop myself from writing back …
Fuck.
My vision blurred as another clue was added to the unsolved mystery that was Chief Austin Carterson.
Desperate for more, I grabbed the second pile of letters, labeled number two, and read the note attached to the top.
Every letter in the stack was typed. And then it hit me.
He’d typed them so I wouldn’t notice his handwriting …
I shouldn’t have read the letters I’d found, but I did.
I shouldn’t have looked at the pictures you’d sent, but I did.
I’d pictured your face a thousand times, and out of nowhere, it appeared in my world.
I couldn’t let your heart shatter as you waited for more letters.
If I never wrote back, you’d be waiting forever.
I had to … and I’m sorry.
My mind swirled with too many thoughts, making it impossible to focus on any of them. A cocktail of anger, defeat, and empathy swam through my bloodstream.
For the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure how to feel. My sudden departure from Illinois did nothing but muddy my reality of the situation. Self-sabotage at its finest.
Austin had cleaned out Jesse’s bunk after catching him with Rita.
He’d found the letters, read them, and written back to me to save me the heartbreak.
Okay, but none of that explained why he hadn’t communicated that Jesse wouldn’t be at his graduation.
Austin had wanted me to come, knowing I would find out in person.
Knowing I would have nowhere else to turn. That hurt my soul.
Bundle number three, which turned out to be only a neatly folded sheet of parchment paper, revealed another truth. I flattened it, allowing Austin’s handwritten words to find me.
Roses are red, hydrangeas are blue.
For eight months, their presence reminded me of you.
I know I fucked up. I’m so sorry, Elle.
But how could I ignore the way that I fell?
Call it coincidence, call it fate.
Perhaps I told you the truth too late.
But if by chance, perhaps it’s not,
I’ll be waiting for my final shot.
But this one won’t be built on lies.
Instead, you’ll know peace when you close your eyes.
Now, close your amber and think of my green.
I’ll wait for you forever at the house on Haroldeen.
“Oh my God,” I cried.
My lungs searched for relief as they experienced a breathlessness I’d only ever felt once before—when Austin emptied them in his woodshed. Aimlessly, my fingers traced the thin straps of my graduation dress as his prose infected me like dark magic.
I shook like a vibrator, digesting the power of the page in my hands, before trading it for the fourth and final truth—another note. The one that spoke the loudest. Affixed to the bottom sat what looked to be several dozen sealed envelopes. I brought the whole pile closer and began reading.
One last thing …
I knew my best attempt at a poem wouldn’t be enough. So, I decided to write to you in our time apart.
These envelopes contain all the conversations I wished we could have had.
Anytime I felt the urge to talk to you, I wrote.
Anytime I thought of you or had something exciting to share, I wrote.
I want you to take your time, without the pressure of promises or me standing in front of you, and read them.
Learn about me, my struggles, my strengths. Get to know me, the real me, in the same way I got to know you.
Fall for me the same way I fell for you, Elle.
I know this is a lot, and if you’re not ready, you don’t have to let me back in. All I ask is that you let my words in before deciding if this is really the end.
Words are powerful. Let mine prove to you that we’re meant to be.
I could hardly fucking breathe. The only thing I could do was sob.
“Elle, are you okay in there? I hear tears! Please, let me in right now!” Ruthie’s voice crept under my door. She knocked repeatedly.
I needed her.
“I’m … I’m fine … I think. You can come in!”
Not a second elapsed before Ruthie busted through my doorway. She struggled to catch her breath.
“Were you listening at the door?”
“No, of course not. What kind of lunatic would do something like that?”
Ruthie looked at everything but me before sinking beside me. I chuckled through my falling tears.
“Oh my God, what’s the matter? Whose ass do I need to beat this time?” My best friend pulled me in, surrounding me with compassion that only she could offer.
“I’m … fine,” I urged, sniffling.
“Yeah, that’s not gonna work this time, Ells. Talk to me. Did you open the present?” She flipped the gift bag upside down, ensuring no contents remained.
“I opened some of it. Not the box though. Not yet.”
Before I could finish my thought, Ruthie was already reading Austin’s notes.
“Oh my God!” Ruthie shouted.
She shot up and continued, frantically piecing together the puzzle that was Austin.
I couldn’t find the energy to stop her. When she finished his final confession, she sat down cross-legged and faced me.
Realization found her wide grin as she fanned the envelopes containing Austin’s words like a poker hand.
“If all of this”—she scanned the piles of effort now surrounding us—“isn’t the most romantic thing I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is!”
“I know. It’s something …” I shrugged, still in shock.
“Sure, he shouldn’t have done any of it to begin with. He should never have kept that big of a secret from you. But shit, babe, this is huge. Almost as huge as he is!”
“Stop. Be serious. I need to think for a second,” I said. Pausing, I brought my hands to my forehead before running them through my hair to the back of my head.
“No, no thinking required. You need to take a deep breath, put these new letters on your nightstand to binge tonight, and open that immediately!” Ruthie squealed.
I looked over at the immaculately wrapped gift box she pointed at. It taunted me.
“Here, I’ll help you.” Ruthie plucked the bow from the lid, removed the top, and placed the box, open-faced, in my lap.
A flash caught my attention.
Inside lay a necklace and pendant—the silver snowflake charm glimmered like glass. Austin’s creative use of snow was something I could never forget. His gift proved he couldn’t either. I wanted to smile, but my jaw remained half open.
“Hello? Earth to Elle. That is gorgeous! What do you think it means?!” Ruthie stared into the box, admiring its contents before interrogating my demeanor. She looked at the necklace and back at me.
“I think it means I fucked up, Ruths,” I said, staring directly into my racing thoughts.
Austin’s body made him unforgettable. His rank made him untouchable. His distance made him unreachable. But his thoughtfulness, the way he had admitted to picking up my pieces before they ever had a chance to touch the ground, turned him into someone I wanted back in my life.
Someone undeniable.
For the first time since accepting the counseling position in Chicago, I felt like the tides were finally back on my side.
And I knew, even before reading whatever new truths Austin’s letters would reveal, exactly where I was supposed to drop my anchor.