Chapter 25
TWENTY-FIVE
WILLA
It felt like everything was happening in slow-motion—like I was wading through water ever since I brought the kids home from the garden. Now things are happening so fast. Everything is spinning, and I’m circling the drain.
I e-mailed my mentor and the people in New York right after Shane told me about the new nanny starting.
I have an interview set for Wednesday.
I’ve booked a flight to JFK.
I’ve texted my brother to let him know I’ll be bringing my things back to his place tonight. I told him that I’ll explain why when I see him.
I’ve called my grammie to let her know I’m going to visit her in Michigan right after my interview and gave her two minutes to explain to me why I had made the right decision.
I’ve started packing everything up.
I’ve posted a note on my Etsy shop that I won’t be shipping anything for the next week.
I’ve eaten dinner with Shane and the kids, and he and the kids have Skyped with Margo in the family room.
I’ve dotted my pulse points with lavender and neroli oil.
I keep reminding myself to breathe.
I keep reminding myself that I can’t blame anyone for anything, especially not Shane.
I keep reminding myself that I spent seven years in post-secondary school to be a perfumer and I can’t ignore a job opportunity just so I can play house with Shane and his kids. Shane wouldn’t do that. It might not be my dream job, but it’s a great job and it’s my reality.
Now I just have to be a grown-up and say good night and good-bye to the kids without falling to pieces or breaking their sweet little hearts.
When it was time for me to leave Versailles, I was sad to say good-bye to Noelle and Leo and their mother too, but nobody got emotional.
They weren’t a particularly expressive family, but I never really felt like a part of their family either.
When I said good-bye to the grandmother and told her that I was going to Los Angeles, she studied my palm and said, “Yes. You will be reunited with much family there.” At that point, I figured she meant my brother.
A month ago, it occurred to me that she may have meant Shane’s family.
Now I’m wondering if maybe palmistry is just a load of crap.
Shane is letting the twins sleep in his bed tonight.
They’re all washed-up, and for the first time since I met her, Summer brushed her teeth without any fuss.
They’ve both been acting like they’ve been told that Santa won’t be coming this year and it’s all their fault.
Neither of them has cried yet, but they’ve also barely made a sound.
Maybe they can’t wait for me to go. Shane went downstairs to give me a chance to talk to them, and I’ve just been sitting on the bed watching the twins lie there quietly while staring at their stuffed animals for a couple of minutes.
“Is there anything that either of you would like to ask me?”
Lucky takes a deep breath and sighs. “How are you going to go to New York?”
“I’m going to fly there. On an airplane. Have you been to New York?”
He nods. “Our grandma and grandpa live there. Are you going to see them?”
“No. I’m only going to be there for a short while, this trip. I’m going to meet some people and talk to them about a job.”
“To be someone else’s nanny?”
“No, it’s not a nanny job. It’s another kind of job. Working in a big building instead of a house.”
“But why do you have to go to New York?”
“Because that’s where the job is.”
“But are you going to come back to here?”
“Yes. And if I have to move to New York, I promise I will come back to see you before I go. If you want me to. Do you want me to?”
He nods and wipes his nose.
I kiss him on the cheek. “You’re a very good, smart boy, and I love you very much.”
“You’re supposed to kiss me on both cheeks,” he whispers. “Like French people.”
“You’re right.” I kiss him on both cheeks. “Bonne nuit, mon chéri.”
Summer still hasn’t said a word or made eye contact with me, so I go over to sit closer to her. I brush hair out of her face and lean in to kiss her on both cheeks, and as soon as I do, she bursts into tears. “I made you in trouble, didn’t I?”
“No. I made me in trouble.”
“I’m sorry I told on you.”
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry to me. I am not mad at you, Summer. I love you.”
“But you’re going away anyway?”
“I have to go to New York for the job interview. It’s not because I want to leave you and Lucky or your dad.
People don’t stop loving each other just because they aren’t around all the time.
You know that, right? Just like your mom still loves you, even though she’s working in Poland now.
And your dad always loves you, even when he’s doing a movie somewhere else.
I might have to go to New York to work for a while, but I’ll still love you and think about you guys all the time. ”
This seems to make sense to both of them, and Summer calms down.
She wipes the tears from her eyes. “You’re not taking us to school tomorrow?” she asks.
“No, I have to go to the airport tomorrow. I’m going to my brother’s place tonight.”
“Will you wait here until we’re asleep?”
I give her a hug, and she hugs me back. I have to hold my breath because the scent of her baby shampoo is the thing that might finally break me. “I have to go downstairs to finish packing and putting things in the truck. But I’ll send your dad up to stay with you. Okay?”
She nods.
“Knock knock.”
They both ask, so cautiously, “Who’s there?”
“Toodle”
“Toodle who?”
“See you later, alligators.”
Shane is sitting at the bottom of the stairs. He stands up as soon as he hears me coming down.
“Can you stay with them until they fall asleep?” I whisper.
“Don’t you need help loading up the truck?”
My mind flashes back to the first day I got here, when he helped me unload the truck in a haze of pheromones, and the first time he said good-bye to me in the garage when I was leaving to go to Nico’s show. “I think it would be best if we just say good night right now.”
I hug him, looking down, because if he kisses me, I will forget to leave.
He strokes my hair instead. “Text me when you get to Nico’s.”
“Okay.”
“Text me when you’re in New York.”
“I will.”
“Text me anytime you want to. It doesn’t even have to be dirty. I’ll be busy, but I’ll get back to you when I can.”
I nod and pull away from him.
He stares at me for a few seconds before saying, “We love you, you know?”
“Yeah. I love you guys too.” I glance up at him to confirm that he regrets what he just said as much as I do, but neither of us says anything else. “Go be with the kids. Good night.”
“Good night.”
My brother patiently listens to everything I have to tell him about what’s happened in the past few days and why I’m going to New York for the job interview before staring at me blankly and saying, “Go back to Shane. Now.”
“What?”
“You’re punishing yourself because the kids got lost on your watch.”
Am I?
“Well, that may be part of the reason why I’m not hesitating to go to New York right now, but I still have to go.
It’s not just for me, even. My professor highly recommended me.
It wouldn’t reflect well on him or the school if I just blew off this interview—I already turned down that job in Paris when I decided to move here. ”
He waves his hand dismissively. “You’re being an idiot.
I mean, do what you gotta do.” He gets up from the coffee table he was sitting on, returning with his guitar.
“You have the best brain of anyone I know, but you need to trust your heart on this one. You should trust his heart. God knows I love Grammie and she’s right about most things, but she’s wrong about you and Shane. ”
“You talked to Grammie about us?”
“I talk to Grammie about almost everything.”
“Really?” Am I jealous that Grammie talks to my brother more than me? A little.
“Who do you think I talked to about the real shit when you were in France? Mom and Dad? It’s been Grammie and Shane for half my life almost.”
He sits back down in front of me, tuning his guitar.
“Oh God. Are you going to serenade me?”
“I’m gonna show you what’s what in a minute. Hang on.” He continues tuning.
I check my phone when it buzzes. It’s not Shane. Harley has been texting me nonstop ever since I told her that I was fired and I’m going to New York for the job interview. Texts like “Yeah, girl! Boss up and change your life!” and “Walk that fine ass out that door.”
HARLEY: I’ve got a bottle of tequila I’ve been saving for you!
ME: I’m fine and I can’t go out. I have a flight to catch tomorrow. Stop quoting Lizzo songs at me. XOXO
HARLEY: Holy shit. I’m so impressed that you actually know who Lizzo is, I’m backing down.
ME: Peace out, sister.
HARLEY: Okay, that’s just lame. Dork.
ME:
I look up to find my brother staring at me. “You ready to have your mind blown?” He starts strumming his guitar. “This is a song I started working on after Shane told me about you guys. It’s called ‘Sleeper Hit.’”
“What? You stole my name.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I called my perfume that’s inspired by Shane and me ‘Sleeper.’”
“You didn’t tell me that. I’m not changing the title.”
“Fine. People will just think I copied you anyway.”
He shrugs and starts singing. He sings about an actor who can’t sleep because he’s afraid he’ll be alone in bed for the rest of his life, tired of acting like everything’s okay.
And then he meets the girl of his dreams and all of that chemistry he’s been pretending to have with other girls is finally real.
I’m curled up on the futon, in tears, before he’s finished the song.
It doesn’t change the fact that I’m leaving tomorrow.
But for the first time ever, my brother lies down beside me and comforts me, and I am realizing that he might not be as big of an asshat as I thought he was.
Even if it is completely ridiculous to think of me as the girl of Shane Miller’s dreams.