Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
ERIN
TWO WEEKS LATER
“ W hat about Cassius?” I suggest, causing Luke to spit the milk from his cereal across the table.
“Not a chance.” He shakes his head.
“Noah?”
“You wanna name our kid after a River boy?” He’s really not impressed by that one.
“We wouldn't be naming him after a River boy; it’s biblical,” I point out. “Not that it matters. I don’t know why we’re wasting time going over boy names when it’s clear we’re having a girl.”
“Keep dreaming, darlin’.” Luke gets up and takes his bowl to the basin, then reaches his hand down to stroke my ever-growing stomach.
“That is undoubtedly a boy in there, and you are gonna be ganged up on so bad,” he warns me, and when he notices how fast the smile drops from my face, his face turns serious.
“Darlin’, what's wrong? Please don’t start crying again.” He sounds panicked
“It's not your fault, it’s just…” I wipe away my tears and stop myself from saying it out loud.
“Tell me what's on your mind.” He grabs the chair beside me and straddles it, taking my hand and encouraging me to open up.
“I don’t want a boy,” I admit, fully aware of how dreadful that sounds. “You always hear parents saying they don’t care what they have as long as it’s healthy, but I… I need this baby to be a girl.” I sob when I think of what a failure I am already.
“Because you're scared.” He wraps his hand around the back of my neck and squeezes the exact spot that never fails to soothe me. “Listen, babe, whether this kid is a boy or a girl, ain’t gonna matter. It’s gonna be raised by us, our way.
And I promise it’s gonna be perfect…maybe a little spoiled, but perfect.
All that evil got buried with Matthew. Only good things are gonna come from this.
” He touches my tummy again and, just like always, it gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
“You always know the right thing to say.” I feel like a crazy person when I start crying again. I have no idea how this guy is putting up with me right now.
“I’m just speaking the truth.” He kisses me and stands over me so he can rub the tension out of my shoulders.
“Shouldn't you be out on the yard?” Mary lets herself in. Again .
“Just heading out there now,” Luke tells her, kissing my cheek and making her smile. “We were just talking baby names,” he tells her, waiting till she turns her back to unpack the groceries she brought with her. “I’m sure Mom can help you with suggestions,” he tells me sarcastically.
Sticking out his tongue, I swear if it wasn’t so skilled, I’d consider cutting the thing off.
“Oh, how exciting.” Mary places a plate of chopped apple in front of me and takes the seat he was just sitting in, beside me.
“Of course, the obvious choice for a boy would be Matthew Junior.” She smiles, and when I look up at Luke, he’s sharing the same horrified look on his face.
“I think Erin was thinking of something a little more current,” he tells her, trying his best to be tactful.
“Oh, I just assumed you’d want to—don’t mind me. I’m sure you have some wonderful names picked out.” She gets all teary, and I could curse Luke when he leaves me to deal with it, rushing out the door to get to work.
“I just think something more modern would be nice.” I pick up a slice of apple and pop it in my mouth. “Do you wanna take a look at the scan photo again?” I offer, hoping it will cheer her up.
I wake up with a start, gripping my neck when I still feel his hands tightening around my throat, and when I realize that I’m lying on the couch with my feet up on Luke's lap, I suck in a gulp of air and remind myself that I’m safe.
“You okay?” Luke asks me. He’s used to my nightmares now; they’ve gotten so much more frequent since I’ve been pregnant, and he always knows exactly how to ease me out of one.
“I’m fine,” I assure him, sitting myself up and rubbing my eyes.
“How long was I out for?” I stretch my arms over my head, wondering how it’s possible to wake up tired.
“A little over an hour,” he tells me.
“You should have woken me.” I snuggle myself up against him, needing to feel him close.
“You need to rest when your body tells you to. You’re making a whole new person in there.” He smiles, kissing the top of my head and getting back to the book he’s reading.
“I don’t need reminding of that. I feel exhausted, and hungry, and…hang on, are you reading?” I suddenly realize what's weird about the scene I’ve woken up to.
“Yeah, I’m reading.” He shrugs his shoulders like it’s no big deal.
“There is a lot of confusion about how you should lay a baby down to sleep,” he tells me with a serious look on his face.
“And we need to decide if we’re gonna use a pacifier or not; there is some serious controversy over that shit. ”
“Just when I think I can’t love you anymore.” I reach up and kiss his cheek. “You are gonna be the best daddy to little Cassius,” I tease, getting up and heading to the kitchen to get some water.
“Did you speak to Liza today?” he asks.
“Yeah, she called just after your mom left,” I answer, filling up my glass and looking out into the darkness through the window. I can’t shake off the feeling that there’s someone out there, watching. I guess it’s gonna be that way until we find out for sure who killed Matthew.
“Was she okay?” he asks, paying far more interest in my best friend than he usually would
“She was fine, why?” I join him on the couch.
“She just hasn’t stopped by in a while; usually, we can’t get rid of her. I was just wondering if she’s finding it hard seeing us together, when she’s facing what she’s doing alone.”
“She’s been busy with work; getting in as many hours as she can before things start getting difficult,” I explain, though when I think about it, it has been a really long time since I last saw her. Almost two weeks.
“I’ll call in on her tomorrow.” I get back to snuggling him, feeling like a real crappy friend. Things are going real good between us right now, even Bryce seems to be more accepting of the two of us. I’ve let it distract me from how much she needs me.
“Now you're worried. I wish I hadn’t said anything.” Luke puts down his book and gives me all his attention.
“Don’t stress. You spoke to her today; she’d have told you if something was up,” he tells me, and I know he’s right, but I can’t get that niggle of doubt out of my head.
I try and recall the last time I saw her and how she was acting, but she was fine, and she was her usual self on the phone today.
But what if, under the surface, she isn’t okay?
“I’m gonna call her.” I stand up and grab my phone, while Luke picks his book back up, shaking his head and delving back into it.
I pace the kitchen floor while it rings, checking the time to see how late it is. “She’s not picking up.” I scratch the back of my head.
“Babe, she’s pregnant too, remember? You said yourself, she’s working extra hours; she’ll probably be having an early night.”
I try calling again, despite what he says, making sense, and once again it rings through to voicemail.
“Luke, I’m worried,” I tell him. “It’s only eight thirty, maybe if we drive over to the Kendrick’s?—”
“Erin, calm down. Nothing's wrong with Liza; you're just trying to find yourself something to worry about.” He tries to calm me, and when a message pops up on my phone from her, he gives me that smug look as I open it.
Sorry, I missed your call. These extra hours are kicking my ass. Call in the morning?
“Don’t look at me like that.” I point my finger at him before texting her back.
“Come on, I’m at a really good part about swaddling.” He lifts up the book and gives me that boyish grin, and I snatch the thing out of his hand and put it on the table.
“Did you read the part about the second-trimester labido? It’s even better.”
“I was focusing more on after the baby got here.” He stares up at me, confused.
“You’re missing the best part.” I take his hand and lead him to the bedroom.
It seems as though I’m looking down a tunnel; flashes from my darkest memories, jumping out at me from the black.
My dad, and how his hand would always rest on my leg.
The slight squeezes he’d make that reminded me to keep our secret whenever my grandparents visited.
Matthew, and that satisfied face he’d pull as he unbuckled his belt.
I will myself to wake up so I don’t have to see them anymore.
I keep focusing on the light at the end of the darkness. I know this has to end; the nightmares always do, and when I do, I know Luke will be there waiting for me.
One day, given time, maybe they’ll go away for good, but until then, I have to endure the torture.
I focus a little harder when I see Liza; she’s never usually here.
She doesn’t belong; all the memories I have with her are good, and it makes me panic harder when I get the feeling she’s in danger.
I try to make out where she is, but the vision’s too blurry.
She looks worried, scared, and I want to call out and tell her that everything's gonna be okay, but I know she won’t hear me.
My voice never works here, my screams are never heard, and my prayers are never answered.
I see a gun in her hand and breathe a sigh of relief when I know she’s protected. The light’s getting closer now, overtaking the darkness.
“Erin…Erin!” I can hear Luke's voice. I gravitate to his warmth; he’s waiting to save me all over again, so I run.
I run hard and fast to get to him, and just before the light takes over completely, my vision of Liza gets clearer.
I see the gun that's in her hand more closely, and when I realize what gun it is, it knocks all the breath from my body.
“Erin. Erin, wake up.” I open my eyes and see Luke; his wild, worried eyes desperately searching over me and relaxing when he realizes that I’m back with him.
He reaches to the nightstand to grab me some water.
I’m soaked wet through, so much that I wonder if he threw some on me to wake me up, but when I pat myself down, I realize it’s sweat sticking to my clothes, not water.
“Babe, that was a real bad one.” He looks haunted himself as he places the glass back down and pulls me to his chest. “I couldn’t wake you.
” I can’t form the words to tell him I’m okay, so I cling on tight to his arm and focus on the way his chest rises and falls against mine so I can follow its rhythm.
“She had the gun.” I manage to force the words, closing my eyes and trying to pull that last vision back just so I can be sure.
“Who had a gun?” He strokes the sweat-soaked hair from my face and blows over me to try and cool me down.
“Matthew’s gun, the one missing from the cabinet. Liza had it in her hand,” I explain, pulling at the t-shirt of his that I’m wearing, when it feels too tight around me.
“Listen, dreams show us all kindsa crazy things. I once dreamed I was riding a fuckin’ lion in the town parade. You were worried about Liza earlier; you probably self-consciously put the gun in her hand so you know she’ll be safe,” he tells me.
“No, Luke, you don’t understand.” I shake my head and push him off me when I suddenly feel like I can’t breathe.
My nightmares are never made up; they aren’t in my imagination.
They’re memories; things that have happened.
Moments that I have to relive. Why would Liza have been holding Matthew’s gun? ”
I don’t want to even think that what I’m imagining could be true. It can’t be true.
“What do you need?” Luke asks, looking helpless.
“I need to speak to Liza, to ask her why she was holding the gun that killed your brother,” I tell him.
“What do you need that I can give you right now?” He rephrases his question.
“I need you to tell me that my best friend isn’t a murderer.” I look up at him hopefully.