Chapter 5
Kiki
“You’re going back to work early.” I knew that before he even hung up the phone.
“Z’s in a bind and desperate,” he said quickly. “He’s even willing to hire a nanny to help you. He said to name my price, and I’m going to ask for double.”
“What about Nobody’s Fool?”
“We didn’t get that far. I wanted to talk to you first, but I have to assume since he had to have gotten my number from Stu or Bash, they’ve already discussed it.”
I sighed. “This is what I’m talking about.”
“What? I know the timing sucks, but this is the kind of money that allows us to relax a little when the tour is over.”
“When is that?”
“We go until May, so there’s about two months left.”
“So, we have enough to last us until your job ends. Then what? Do you have something else lined up?”
“Not yet,” he said. “But that’s why I want to do this, so we don’t have to stress while I look for something else.”
“You think I’m upset because you’re going to be gone a lot,” I said slowly. “But the truth is, I’m a lot more worried about how unstable it is. A tour ends and you’re out of work. That’s never going to change.”
“Sure it will. I’m making contacts and building a reputation. That stuff takes time, but once it does, I’ll potentially have jobs lined up one after another.”
“That’s the plan? To just hop from one tour to the next, sending home money?”
“Short-term, yes. How else are we going to survive? Babies are expensive.”
“So I’m essentially going to raise her as a single mom, while you’ll be partying and traveling the world, living your best life.”
“Partying?” His eyebrows rose. “I’m an addict, struggling every damn day to stay clean while working around both drugs and alcohol, away from my girl and now my kid, and you think I’ll be living my best life?”
“Well, you don’t seem to want to stay here and be a dad and fiancé.”
“You were on board with this when I got the job!” I protested. “Now that I’m doing it, making money and learning the ropes, you want me to stop? With nothing but waiting tables to fall back on? What’s changed, Kiki? We both know I’m not going to be happy waiting tables or even bartending.”
“We didn’t plan to get pregnant, but we did, and now we have to adjust our lives accordingly.” I knew I was being somewhat unreasonable, but we’d both made this baby, and it didn’t seem fair that I was going to be home raising her while he got to follow his dreams. Even if those dreams paid the bills.
“I just went through a bunch of huge adjustments,” he said quietly. “My second time in rehab, training for a new job, moving in with you, becoming a father… I need a break, Kiki.”
“What about me?” I whispered, suddenly on the verge of tears. “What about what I need?”
“Babe, I’m trying.” His green eyes met mine sadly. “I’ve never tried harder to stay sober, or worked harder than I am now, and it’s all for you. You have to know that.”
“I do.” I took a shaky breath. “It’s just hard. Everything is so fucking hard.”
“It’s hard for me too.”
“Is it? You’re busy, going from one city to the next. You work a lot more hours than I do, so you’re probably not even thinking about me most of the day. Then you’re sleeping, eating, and doing it all again.”
“We spend hours on the road driving,” he said quietly. “Half the time, I don’t get to sleep in a bed at a hotel. I sleep in the passenger seat of one of the trucks unless it’s my turn to drive. For a couple of hours, during the actual performance, I’m too busy to breathe. The rest of the time it’s drudgery. Sure, we have fun sometimes, and occasionally we go to a movie or do something touristy, but that’s rare. Maybe twice a month. Other than that? I’m missing you and so horny I jack off in the shower every damn day.”
“I’m sorry.” I looked down, battling a weird combination of sad, angry, and terrified.
“Everything I’m doing is for us, so we have a future. But I need to have something to focus on other than you and the baby.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m an addict. And a bored addict goes looking for drugs.”
“So I’m boring?”
I sounded pathetic even to my own ears but couldn’t seem to stop the things that were coming out of my mouth.
“Jesus, babe.” He got up and came closer to me, dropping down to his haunches so he could look up into my face. “You’re not boring. I love you. My addiction is a separate thing, and you know that. I need to stay busy and focused, and you have a life too. I have to have my own things, my own interests, because co-dependency isn’t healthy for me. And I genuinely love my job. I’ve finally found something I’m good at. Something I look forward to everyday. Eventually, it’s going to pay really well too.”
“I know. I just…”
“What? Tell me.”
“I don’t know if I can do this, Noah.”
“Do what?”
“Be with a man who’s not here.”
“What does that mean?”
“I don’t know.” I turned away, resting my elbows on the table and my chin in my hands. “Maybe we need to take the time while you’re finishing this tour to think about what we want. Both together and separately.”
He looked so shell-shocked I felt bad.
But just for a few seconds.
I didn’t want to raise Beth alone, and deep down I’d always been afraid that was what would happen anyway. Between his job, his addiction, and the general fragility of our relationship, it didn’t seem likely it was going to work out, so why even bother putting in the effort?
“Are you saying you want to break up?” he asked, slowly getting to his feet.
“No. Maybe. I don’t know. But since you’re going to be gone anyway, we can use that time apart to think.”
“I don’t need to think.”
“Well, maybe I do.”
“Is ending things what you want?” There was hurt and a touch of anger in his green eyes.
“I said I don’t know!” I snapped, tears filling my eyes. “I don’t know anything and you continuing to ask me doesn’t help!” I jumped up so fast my chair tipped over, making a crashing sound and startling Beth, who started to cry.
“Kiki!” Noah called after me as he reached for the baby, but I turned and ran to our bedroom, locking the door behind me. I wrapped my arms around myself and leaned against it, letting the tears pour down my face.
I didn’t know what had just happened, but I didn’t know how to fix things either.
Maybe this had been our destiny all along.