Chapter 39
Ellie
He actually left me.
I asked him to stay, and he didn’t. It’s as simple as that. While I fully understand why he went inside, it shifted something inside me when he walked away, like my doubts were right this whole time.
The sound of Natalie and Wes bickering breaks me from my inner turmoil. From the passenger seat, Natalie reaches over to squeeze my hand, grounding me and reminding me of her presence. Wes, refusing to be left out of anything, lays his hand on top of ours.
“Ew." Natalie’s glare is deadly as she snaps at him. "Don't touch me.”
“I’m trying to support Ellie. It’s not my fault your hand is in the way!” Patrick sent them to sit with me, but as much as I like them both, I would’ve rather had Patrick.
When I told them what happened, Natalie had to lock the doors so that Wes wouldn’t go inside and give Greg a piece of his mind. Thank god for the child locks because he was pretty damn adamant. Wes is just chaotic enough that he would’ve actually punched Greg, so it's probably for the best.
My heart is full knowing that there are people who are willing to defend me—although, I wish I could stop being put in situations where I need to be defended.
Ever since his attempted escape, Wes has been working on keeping me distracted by telling his odd personal anecdotes, so I don’t start crying again. They are working surprisingly well.
He continues rambling through the stories, and it makes me smile for the first time since everything went down.
“As I was saying, I met them both on Tinder. Hand to god, I had no idea they were even related until I showed up to her apartment to do a little hooking up, and the other twin answered the door! I wouldn’t have even realized it was the wrong twin if the other one wasn’t standing right behind her—”
Natalie gives my hand another tiny squeeze because she sees him before I do. There's a knock at my window, and when I turn, Patrick is standing outside of my car, looking disgruntled.
I swing the door open and rush out. He pulls me into his arms, and my eyes move to his like they always do. “What happened? What did you do? What did you say?”
“He didn’t admit to everything, but he admitted to some of it.
” I desperately want specific details, but it doesn’t seem like he wants to recap whatever just happened.
His voice is strangely quiet, and it's starting to feel like something else is going on. I’ve never heard Patrick like this, so something is definitely off.
“I can’t work for someone who acts like that to anyone.
If he would do that to you, I don’t know what other shady shit he’s capable of. ”
"What are you talking about?"
There’s no way he means what I think he does. But, he fills in the blanks for me. “Yeah, so I quit.”
Pulling myself from his arms, there’s a simultaneous gasp between the three of us, and we are all trying to get a word in.
Natalie and Wes bombard him with questions, trying to make sense of what is happening.
Our voices get muffled together, and I don’t even know what I’m saying through all of the noise.
Patrick quiets all of us. “Okay, okay, okay. I think we’ve had enough for today. We can all talk about this later.”
He turns to me, and in a gentle voice asks, “Let me drive you home, please.”
I want to say no. I want to stop relying on Patrick for everything, but when I look down, I see my hands are shaking again. So, I agree.
Without skipping a beat, he turns to Wes. “Can you follow us and drive me back here?”
“Of course, no problem.” Wes rushes off across the lot, and Natalie follows closely behind.
Uncomfortable silence fills the car. It’s a thirty minute drive back to my apartment, and I’m at a complete loss for words.
Well, not exactly. I know what I want to say.
I want to know where we stand, if there is a chance for us. But, with everything that just happened—with how he let me down today—this is not the right time or place.
A prick of pain brings my focus to my hands.
There's a small speck of blood forming at the base of my thumbnail where I've peeled part of the cuticle back, and it stings so fucking bad. From sitting in the office with Greg to waiting for Patrick in the parking lot to this drive, I haven’t been able to stop my compulsions, and my thumbs have taken the brunt of it.
“So, what happens to our fake relationship now?” I blurt out and wish that I could’ve been at least a little more subtle.
Patrick’s shoulders immediately tense, and his hands grip the steering wheel, causing his knuckles to turn white. He opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. I don’t know whether I should wait for his response or keep talking.
My stomach drops when I realize what might be going through his mind, so I immediately try to save face.
“I am so sorry—I just realized how selfish I sound concerned about our fake relationship when you literally just quit your job for something that’s my fault.
I’m sure that our stupid fake relationship is the last thing on your mind.
We don’t have to talk about it now if you don’t want to. ”
“Oh, yeah. No, you’re fine, Ellie. You don’t need to be sorry, and it’s definitely not your fault.
” He takes a pause but gets back to his train of thought.
His expression is unreadable, and I don’t even recognize his tone.
“I hadn’t even thought about that. Um, I guess we should fake break up since the whole reason we were together was because of Greg, right?
Since there’s no more Greg, it makes the most sense that there would be no more fake relationship—”
My heart sinks.
Over the past two months, I have felt in sync with Patrick, and what he is saying now doesn’t feel like him. It is matter of fact, calculated, void of emotion.
Then it hits me. This is all it’s ever been for him. A transaction to make our lives easier because of my impulsive actions.
I cut him off before he can say anymore, not wanting to hear what else he has to say. “Uh, yeah, of course. That makes sense.”
I’m a fucking idiot for thinking that Patrick wanted anything more than this. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to get out of this fucking car.
My eyes start to well up, and I do my best to stop the feeling, blinking rapidly to prevent the tears from falling. Luckily for me, Patrick is too focused on the road to notice.
It was dumb to let him drive me home because now I feel like an idiot and a jerk.
He has been so nice to me, and all I’ve done is basically ruin his life.
I was the one who complicated things. I am the reason that he had to file an HR report against Rebecca.
I am the reason he quit his job. His job that he loves so fucking much.
His job that he started fresh out of college. His only job he’s had as an adult.
My voice is quiet when I ask, “What are you going to do now?”
“I don’t know. I have some money in savings, so I should be fine for a while.” He shrugs his shoulders, not taking his eyes off the road.
“W-what are you going to tell everyone? About our relationship?” The words shake despite my best efforts.
“Don’t worry about that. I’ll make up something and say that we split amicably. If you want to keep being friends with Wes and Natalie, I would be okay with that. I’m pretty sure they like you more than they like me, and I—”
He stops mid-sentence and goes silent. I look over to him and his eyes are vacant. “Patrick? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
“I just realized that they aren't my coworkers anymore." As if he is trying to remove the thought, he shakes his head, and I might actually vomit. "Fuck, that’s weird.”
“I’m so sorry, Patrick. This is all of my fault.”
Patrick reaches over to wipe the tears from my face that I hadn’t even realized were falling. “El, please don’t say that. I am not going to let you blame yourself for this. Greg is an asshole, and I was the one who quit. I made the decision, so if anyone is to blame, it’s me.”
The car comes to a halt as Patrick pulls in front of my building, and I debate saying anything more. I don’t want to seem desperate or emotional, but I need to know if this is it for us.
Already hesitating on speaking these words for the last five minutes, I decide that there might not be another chance to ask. They come out quickly before I have a chance to take them back. “What about us? Are we still friends?”
I start to feel pathetic until Patrick pulls me across the center console into a hug, and more tears start to fall down my cheeks.
“Of course, El. We will always be friends.”
Enveloped in his arms, I don’t want him to let go. He hugs me tight to his chest, and I forget for a moment that the facade is over.
Is it pathetic to ask him to kiss me one last time?
I decide against it. If I asked him to do that, I'd just be making myself more of a fool than I already thought that I was.
It should be easy to let this go and revert back to my life before Patrick, but everything feels wrong.
I should be happy and enjoying what is left of my summer, but I just can’t get myself to do anything other than work, sleep, and read.
It’s only been a few days, but it feels like there’s nothing to look forward to anymore.
I keep offering to stay late at work since there’s nothing for me to do at home other than wallow in my own self-pity, and while it’s been nice to spend some extra time with Lily since our shifts have been overlapping, it didn’t take her long to figure out something was off.
When I told her I wasn’t interested in talking about it, she was very respectful of that, but leaving her in the dark felt wrong.
Or maybe I just felt the need to share it with someone.
It hurt to tell her that Patrick and I broke up, and the tears in my eyes really sold the pain of a real break-up. Isn’t that stupid?
When I say it out loud, it sounds so ridiculous to be upset about a relationship that wasn’t even real, but I miss Patrick. Like genuinely, truly miss him. I didn’t realize how much I was depending on him until he was gone. Although, he’s not really gone. He is only a twenty minute drive away.
I’ve thought about texting him and trying to see him, but I'm worried it would be too much. After our last conversation, I don’t know if it would be awkward or not. So, I guess we’ll just keep giving each other space until it doesn’t feel weird anymore.
I really hope that’s soon.
Everyday when I get home from work, Nick bugs me to go out and do things, but all I want to do is curl up in bed and finish whichever romance book I decided to read that day—at least they get a happy ending.
The only good that has come out of this is that I’ve been reading for pleasure again.
After every semester, I have a tendency to hit a reading slump since reading is the last thing I want to do after consuming and over-analyzing countless texts for multiple months in a row.
Apparently, all I needed to do to get over it was get my heart broken.
Being able to escape into a book and ignore my own reality has been the only thing keeping my mind off of Patrick.
So, I have made a little dent in my 'to be read' pile that sits in the corner of my room—another positive outcome of this fake break up—but Nick decided that that isn’t productive enough for him.
He claims that I’m entering into my hermit stage of life, and it’s getting annoying. While he hasn’t been too overbearing about all of this, I just want him to leave me alone.
Thinking back, it probably could’ve been worse.
I never actually told Nick about my plans to tell Patrick that I wanted more. I’m sure I would’ve never heard the end of it, or, even worse, he would force me to attempt a big romantic gesture. He was so confident that Patrick and I would end up together, and that was without my confession.
Instead of blaming myself like I usually do, I have decided to blame everything on Greg, and it has definitely been the most productive part of my healing journey.