3. Baby…Please #4
“We’re in a bind, aren’t we?” He said after a while, putting my fears into words.
“I s’pose we are.”
Mark sighed, “This wasn’t supposed to get complicated Lola.”
It really was like he could read my mind. I suddenly felt shy and noticed how cool the room was. I wrapped my arms around my own body.
“I know.”
Mark sighed, “Whatever’s going on here was never supposed to happen like this.”
We were both talking around the matter at hand but it was clear that’s all either of us could handle.
“I know it wasn’t. But Mark… Our arrangement can change at any time… I just…”
I was on the fence about things. While it would have been incredible for us to just express the full range of our feelings, I was still fearful.
And soon to be very, very pregnant. I couldn’t lure him in and then spring a baby on him.
If Mark were to get with me, I wanted him to know exactly what he was signing up for.
“It can’t change,” Mark interjected.
“Right…” I looked away from him awkwardly.
He moved in closer to me.
“Not because of you. Because of Rose.”
“Rose?”
“I’m serious Lola. If she finds out about you… or finds out that I’m getting serious, she’ll do something insane.”
“It’s hard to believe after two years your wife would really do that.”
Mark shrugged, “You don’t know Rose. But I do. And I know enough to know that I should keep you away from her.”
What he didn’t say was implied. He cared too much to put me in harms way. Our care for each other was likely to be our undoing — the very complicating factor we’d both been trying to avoid in our bizarre relationship.
“This is getting messy.”
Mark nodded, “I know. But Rose isn’t to be trusted. I’m sorry Lola.”
“But what can she do.”
Mark shrugged, “She’s the mother of my children. Until I find a better way, she’s got me by the balls.”
I nodded.
“I never expected things to get complicated between us,” I told him.
Mark kissed my forehead, “I know. But we’ll figure things out.”
I didn’t think there was a chance we could figure things out, even if we kept seeing each other.
I was pregnant. He had a crazy ex-wife and two kids.
And his heart had been broken. He’d never forgive me for keeping this from him, even if he did eventually find out.
And then I’d be just as good as Rose. He’d regret trying to get close to me.
“I don’t think we can Mark.”
“Huh?”
I shook my head reluctantly.
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea. Everything between us is so complicated. And we both know the smart thing to do.”
Mark shook his head, “I scared you didn’t I?”
I shook my head. Mark’s talk of Rose hadn’t scared me at all.
I didn’t think a suburban white woman had the power to inspire fear inside me.
What worried me was Mark and his children.
I could tell from that day in the park that his children were everything.
They were the reason he feared bringing another Rose into his life so much.
They were a part of the reason he kept any woman he was dating at arms length.
And his kids were sweet. They didn’t deserve any more drama than they’d experienced. And I couldn’t bring myself to get in the middle of more of it. Not to mention, I had a major problem of my own.
“I’m not scared Mark. I just need to do what’s right.”
My voice was trembling. I could feel the temperature rising in my face. Mark could see my lip quivering and he eyed me with confusion.
“So this is really what you want? You want this to be over?”
I nodded, “For now. It’s just… It’s too complicated.”
My pregnancy hormones caused tears to bubble over. Mark tried to step closer to me to hug me, but I pulled away from him.
“I’m sorry Mark. This just has to be this way. Can you please go?”
He nodded. I could tell he was angry, but he said nothing.
He just did as I’d commanded and he left.
I stood in my room with an empty, cold feeling.
I didn’t want Mark to leave. But facing all of our demons just felt like too much.
I flopped into bed. When I started crying, I didn’t think I’d stop until the next morning.
It was all so much to handle. I didn’t want to have a baby alone. I didn’t want to worry about Mark’s ex. I didn’t want to do anything except undo the fact that I was pregnant. I thought about the ominous pamphlets about my “options” sitting in my trash can.
What options? I was stuck — totally stuck.
I clutched my stomach and cried some more.
My pillow soaked with my tears and my sinuses welled up after a few hours.
I didn’t want a baby, but I didn’t not want a baby either.
No matter how much I’d played at casual, I realized the truth was I was unsatisfied.
I’d woken up from a trance where I was no longer okay with how my romantic life had played out.
I’d allowed Darius to ruin my dreams of having a real family.
And now it was too late for me. I’d done it all out of order and I’d be a single mother in a traditional family that didn’t play by such rules.
The night dragged on slowly. But soon enough, I drifted off to sleep.