4. I’m A Father
I’m A Father
Mark Jagger
By the time I’d left Lola’s place, I felt like my head had been spinning.
Good sex was good sex. I could appreciate it for what it was and not expect anything more.
Lola had been like me. But something was changing between us that neither of us knew how to handle.
I should have stopped her from letting me leave.
I should have begged her to just be honest with me.
I should have told her what was going on inside me and let her know that she didn’t have to be afraid.
But I’d done none of that. I’d backed out and left Lola crying.
Something was going on with her, I knew it.
But the truth was I was scared to pry. After Rose, I never knew what I could find out about a woman.
I preferred to keep my lovers at arms length for that reason.
Lola was getting under my skin though. She wasn’t like any of the regular women I dated.
It wasn’t just the fact that Lola had that dark skin with those gorgeous grey eyes that seemed almost out of place.
It was the fact that she understood me. Many of the other women I’d dated had deemed me troubled.
They’d been happy to get into my bed without inquiring further.
And there was nothing wrong with any of them.
But Lola… I could tell she had experienced some of the same bullshit that I’d been through.
I could tell that my hurt wasn’t unfamiliar to her.
Against the codes of our agreement to each other, we’d allowed our shared pain to bring us closer.
But too close and like similar sides to a magnet, we’d jumped apart.
I wanted to find a way to turn it all around.
I didn’t want to listen to Lola when she said we should end it.
She had become one of the few stable parts of my life and I couldn’t let go.
I called her office.
I knew that I shouldn’t have but by the time I heard the rings, I couldn’t stop myself. Of course, just my luck. Lola didn’t pick up.
“Hi Good Morning, this is Lola Hopkins office! How may I help you?” A loud voice came blaring through my phone.
I held the phone slightly away from my face to avoid deafness.
“Hi. I’m Doctor Jagger. I’d like to speak to Lola right now.”
“Oh! Doctor Jagger!”
She sounded like she recognized me. I wondered if Lola had been talking about me at work.
“I have a whole list of stuff to tell you before Lola gets out of her meeting so hang tight!”
“Okay…”
“Well she’s coming in for her first trimester appointment next week Friday at ten and she wanted me to confirm.”
First trimester? I have to have heard wrong.
“Uh… Friday?”
Apparently, Lola’s assistant wasn’t that good at her job. If I was hearing correctly, she’d mistaken me for Lola’s doctor. But first trimester… She couldn’t be talking about…
“Yes. She’s maintained her vitamins regimen for her eighth week and she’s really looking much better.”
I played along.
“Right… Right… That’s great. We’re looking to do an ultrasound next week.”
“Will she find out the gender?!” Dawn babbled, “Oh don’t tell me. Oh this is so inappropriate Dr. Jagger! I’ll let you be now and I’ll tell Lola to give you a call. Er… I’m sure we’re both very happy she’s keeping the baby.”
The phone went dead. I sat down. I was done with my morning appointments and sitting at my desk feeling like I’d been hit by a bus. Lola was pregnant. And she’d clearly known for a long time.
I had no proof it was my kid, but Lola had never mentioned being involved with another man. I’d always had the feeling that she couldn’t bring herself to deal with more than one man at a time.
This news was big. At first I just felt stunned.
I tried to come up with what to do next but I kept drawing blanks.
My mind was unresponsive. I was a father.
I am a father. For weeks Lola had been flitting around like a nervous butterfly but she still hadn’t honored me enough to tell me that she was carrying my child.
My blank state of mind was replaced by anger.
It was a slow, burning anger that unfurled into rage as I realized all the opportunities she’d had to be honest with me.
What would be her excuse when I confronted her?
Was she even planning to tell me? Questions spurred my anger even more.
Lola had dumped me, convinced me that we’d never have a chance to be in each other’s lives and at the same time, she’d planned to go through with something that would bond us together for life.
I felt lucky not to have any afternoon consultations.
I stood up and told my secretary that I’d be back.
I wasn’t sure I’d come back. All I wanted to do was get in my car and drive down the highway until this whole mess had sorted itself out.
But that’s not how a man handles his problems. No matter how I tried to think of something else, my mind constantly snapped back to Lola.
Lola, Lola, Lola. I’d come so damned close to trusting her but I’d made a big mistake. And the more I thought about that the hotter my chest burned with desire to confront her. I hated liars. I’d had enough of them in my previous marriage and my ex-wife was still lying to me every single day.
I wonder if Lola Hopkins knew how badly she messed up. I imagined her face the moment her ditzy assistant realized the mistake. What would she do then? I didn’t intend to give her the luxury of planning a response to me. I wanted answers quickly and I planned to get ‘em.
I wandered aimlessly all day in between finishing my paperwork and planning my weekend trip with the kids a few months from now. My office operated so smoothly that they hardly needed me, which was just how I liked it.
In the evening, I had one goal: stake out Lola’s house and confront her about the fact that she had lied to me. I didn’t want to let this slide — I couldn’t. And I certainly couldn’t handle anything else going wrong.
I got into my car and didn’t bother turning the radio on. Music wouldn’t have blocked out the thoughts swimming in my head anyways. I was powerless to them. I was powerless over the fact that someone I’d knocked up Lola Hopkins. That feeling inspired more rage.
When I started to get closer to her house, I tried to think about what I would say to her.
“You lied to me.”
Too obvious.
“You betrayed me.”
Too theatrical.
“I’m pissed off.”
Too bland.
For some reason, words escaped me and I didn’t know how to formulate the rage in my heart into language that Lola would understand. I started to draw closer to her house. I knew she wouldn’t be home yet. Uptown traffic would be too intense for her to make it before I did.
I was a few blocks away from Lola’s place when my phone rang. I pulled over in the nearest parking spot and pulled it out.
Rose.
I would have ignored her call every time she did call if she weren’t the mother of my two children. I thought about the fact that I might be in the very same position with two women instead of one. I picked up the phone and snarled.
“What is it?”
“Watch your mouth Mark. I’m calling to talk about something important.”
“I’m kind of in a bind right now. Can you call back?”
Rose groaned, “No! I already called your office, I know you’re not there. So just talk to me.”
“Okay fine. How are the kids.”
“The kids?”
“Yes Rose. Our children. Preston and Poppy.”
“It’ll never get old hearing you say ‘our children’.”
I felt sick. I didn’t understand what game Rose was playing at, but I had no interest in playing along. I wanted to find out what the hell she wanted, not play mind games.
“Get on with it Rose or I’ll hang up.”
“Geez Mark. You’re cranky. Well Poppy needs to go to the ER. I need $500.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“Well her pediatrician says its the common cold but I don’t believe that stupid slutty bitch.”
“Rose. Dr. Needham is a good physician.”
“She’s a slut. I know you boinked her back in the day… Probably when we were married.”
I was too angry not to get trapped in Rose’s obvious trap.
“Rose, I never cheated on you while we were married. That was more your thing. Now tell me why the hell you don’t think she has a cold?”
I should’ve known that Rose had long forgotten the cold. Responding to Rose with aggression had opened the exact channel that she wanted. I could practically feel the cold smile creeping across her face as it often did when she managed to instigate me to react to her.
“So I guess I’m nothing more than a cheating slut right? Well FUCK YOU Mark!”
“Rose, can you please calm down. If nothing’s wrong with Poppy, I’ll hang up.”
“WOW. Well I guess you don’t want to know that Preston is getting a C- in math class and the counselor is complaining that things aren’t stable at home. That’s your fault Mark! If you were here, he’d have a stable home.”
“There’s nothing stable about living in a house with you!” I roared back.
Rose gasped, “Oh yeah? Like you were such a piece of cake to live with. You’re a piece of shit Mark! S-H-I-T. I wish I’d never been married and popped out your disgusting brats!”
Rose had gone off her rocker.
“Can you please stop screaming like that? I swear to God Rose… When I go to my lawyer…”
I didn’t finish the sentence. I didn’t want to threaten her and have Rose blow it up into a weekend jail vacation for me.
“Do it! Call your fucking lawyer and I’ll tell them about the nasty things you do to these kids!”
I was too appalled by her accusation to say anything more. Rose had made me determined to push things along with my lawyer. She was starting to get even more unhinged.
I didn’t bother cussing her out one more time.
I just hung up. Rose was gone from me, if I’d ever really known the real Rose.
Talking to her just made me upset. She’d taken my kids from me and set up a permanent barrier between us.
I didn’t think Lola would be like Rose but hell, I didn’t think Rose would be like Rose either.