5. Big Bad Mess
Big Bad Mess
Lola Hopkins
Iknew that I’d messed up badly. When I saw the heartbroken look on Mark’s face, I instantly regretted lying to him. Without the honesty between us, we had nothing. And everything that had gone wrong had been all my fault.
I couldn’t just allow him to hate me. After all, I was still carrying his child. But putting aside my pride to make amends wasn’t going to be easy. I knew that Mark might very well want me out of his life anyways. What he was going through with his ex-wife was already complicated enough.
Even if I could raise a baby on my own, I didn’t think it was right to let Mark go like that. I’m not that type of person. And I’m not the type of person who would lie either. After what Darius had put me through, I’d felt triumphant, like I’d never let him affect my life anymore.
But I was still letting Darius run the show and I was starting to act like him, clouding my romantic life with deception. I was still letting him run the show by cowing away from difficulties. This wasn’t me and I couldn’t let it become me either. I tried to work up the courage to go see Mark.
It took me three days before I could allow myself to truly entertain the idea. Every time I picked up the phone, my fingers hovered over his number. I couldn’t bear to press it and start feeling vulnerable again. My pregnancy hormones only made my situation worse.
I missed Mark. And I couldn’t stop crying about it.
I realized that we had been on the cusp of realizing just how much we cared about each other.
And I’d ruined that. Thankfully, I had the good sense to figure out that I couldn’t just allow him to leave.
I had to accept responsibility for myself.
I’d always seen myself as a strong, African-American woman.
But to really be strong means putting yourself out there and taking risks… for love.
I had yet to use the word “love” out loud to refer to Mark.
But there was this creeping sense in the back of my mind that I loved him.
It was hard for me to tease out at first. I had learned from Darius that love was a roller coaster of drama.
But this felt different. It felt solid. Real.
In a way, it was scarier than any love I’d had before.
Knowing it was the real deal had led me to screw it up.
Exactly what Darius would have wanted, and exactly what I knew I had to avoid.
When I finally worked up the courage to call Mark, my hands trembled. With each ring of the cell phone, my anxious mind was urging me to hang up and just run away from my problems. With steely grit, I persisted until Mark picked up the phone.
“Lola. What is it?”
He sounded harsher than usual — which is what I expected.
“Please don’t hang up Mark. I want to talk.”
“About what?”
“You know what. I still owe you an explanation… and an apology.”
“Yes. You do.”
“Can you come over?”
Mark sighed, “I can’t Lola. I’ve got the kids tonight.”
“Well can I come over?”
“I’m not sure this is a good idea…”
I was too determined to let Mark slip through my fingers. Days of working up the courage to even call him had made me bold.
“Please Mark. I’ll help you put the kids to bed and we can talk later. I want to be reasonable… But this can’t wait.”
Mark sighed. I could tell that he had trouble saying no to me. And my guess was, he was pleased at how reasonable I could be about this.
“Fine. They don’t get to bed until eight.”
“Don’t worry about that. I don’t mind helping out.”
“See ya.”
Mark hung up. My heart was pounding out of my chest. My hands remained clammy for a while after I’d put the phone down.
Mark had really agreed. While I knew I wasn’t in the clear yet, I was closer to making things right and that felt good.
I took a shower, washing off the stress of my work day and then I got dressed.
I jumped into a pair of black jeans with an emerald green v-neck t-shirt.
When I got into my car, I started playing the latest R&B hits to pump myself up.
The latest hits were nothing compared to what I’d grown up with, but the beats were catchy enough to lift my spirits which was all that mattered.
When I arrived outside of Mark’s place, I was nervous.
I could see lights on and I could hear the faint sounds of his kids laughter outside.
I inhaled deeply and exhaled as I turned my car off and started walking up the driveway.
I’d never been to Mark’s place and experienced this anxiety before. I tried to hide it.
I knocked on the door confidently and Mark opened up. He looked different — probably from his evening of being in “dad mode”
“G’night. C’mon in,” He greeted me.
I entered and his twins bounded to the door with bright smiles on their faces.
“Hi Miss Lola!” Poppy said with a smile.
“Good night!” Preston added.
I couldn’t help but smile at them. They were cute. And they reminded me a lot of Mark.
“Lola’s here to help me out for the night so I want you two on your best behavior.”
“Yes daddy,” They said in unison.
They scampered off once they’d greeted me and Mark stood staring at me in the kitchen for a bit.
“Am I crazy for having you come over right now?” He asked.
I shrugged, “Maybe. But then I’m just as crazy for coming.”
Mark smiled.
“We can’t talk about this now. But I don’t know what we’re doing here Lola.”
“Neither do I.”
I wasn’t lying. I’d come over to make things right, but I had no real idea of what making things right would really entail. And where would that leave us? I’d still be pregnant and Mark would still be in a tricky situation.
“Well, let’s go play with the kids. I don’t really want them involved in any more messes.”
“Noted.”
I followed Mark into his living room where the kids were playing one of those newfangled gaming systems. The last time I’d used a gaming system was in the nineties.
But the kids invited us to play and so we joined.
It was embarrassing. But at least Mark and I were laughing the whole time as we failed miserably at understanding the kids’ games.
Preston and Poppy couldn’t help making fun of us “old people” and by the time their bedtime rolled around, our stomachs were aching with laughter.
They didn’t give much trouble to head to bed. I guessed that they appreciated the structure and stability of Mark’s home. From what I’d heard, life with their mother was no piece of cake. We helped the kids as much as they needed helping and then tucked them into bed.
We were alone now and Mark gestured for me to follow him into his bedroom.
That was a good sign. Mark closed the door behind him and we were alone in his bedroom once again.
This time, I felt far less sexy. I’d managed to put off our serious discussion long enough, but the discussion still needed to happen.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was pregnant Mark. I know how much trust means to you and you’re right. I lied to you for weeks. I know there’s no excuse for it and if you never wanted to talk to me again, it would make perfect sense.”
“I don’t know how this happened Lola.”
“Neither do I.”
“I’m not talking about the baby.”
“Oh?”
“I mean how I feel about you.”
I looked away shyly. I wasn’t sure what Mark meant by that and he didn’t bother elaborate.
“I shouldn’t have lied. But I’m coming clean now.
Somehow, we messed up. I’m pregnant and I have no clue what the hell I’m going to do.
I guess I thought if I didn’t tell you, that would make the problem go away.
I’m not trying to hurt you Mark. I know that you’ve been through a lot.
You’re like me. And I can see it on your face. ”
He nodded, “Yes. We are alike. I’ve known for a long time. I guess that’s why no matter what’s gone on, we’ve always gravitated together.”
“I have no idea what to do about this.”
Mark sighed, “And neither do I. I shouldn’t have gone off on you like that, but I’m gearing up for a custody battle. I guess I’m sensitive about the idea of another kid.”
“I can understand why.”
“Lola,” Mark sighed, “I’m worried about what will happen if Rose knows we’re together.”
“Together?”
Mark shrugged, “You know what I mean. No more weirdness and ambiguity. I want us to be together. But I also want you to be safe. With Rose in my life, I can’t guarantee it.”
“So where does that leave us?”
Mark shrugged, “I have no idea.”
He stepped closer to me. I kept my eyes locked with his. This was the first time either of us had articulated our real feelings for each other. Honesty begot honesty and here we were, confronting the possibility of a real relationship for the first time.
“If we’re together, we’ll be able to find a way to get Rose out of your life… legally.”
Mark shook his head, “I’m not so sure Lola. She’s a dangerous person to me. She’s a part of the reason I’ve been so hesitant to commit to anyone. It’s not fair to them.”
“It’s not fair that I have to feel like this,” I whispered.
Mark tilted my chin up towards his face and then kissed me. It was a short, quick kiss but it felt good.
“I forgive you Lola. For lying to me. But knowing that you’ve been through hell and back yourself, I can’t put you in this position.”
I looked up at him with a cheeky look on my face.
“Maybe there’s another position that would be more suitable?”
Mark chuckled, “Oh so that’s the game we’re playing?”
I shrugged, “If we’re stuck in a bind and there’s no way out, maybe we should just stop thinking for a bit…”
Mark kissed me again and then pulled away.
“That’s a brilliant idea.”
“Mark?”
“Hm?”
I sighed, “We’ll sort this out. Maybe not right now, but we will.”
“Okay. But please Lola, trust that I’m warning you for your own good. I’m not being paranoid. Rose isn’t stable.”
“I know.”