Chapter 5 The Scent of Trust #2
Then Ryan continued.
"One day after basketball practice, some of the guys started joking about it."
"Your teammates?"
"Yeah."
Ryan's voice remained calm, but Ethan could tell the memory still hurt.
"They said I needed to carry an air freshener instead of a water bottle."
Ethan's expression tightened.
Ryan laughed without humor.
"I laughed."
"Why?"
"Same reason you did."
Ethan understood.
"Didn't want them to know it hurt."
"Exactly."
Ryan leaned back against the wall.
"After that, they started making jokes whenever I got sweaty. Sometimes they weren't even subtle. If I walked into a room after practice, someone would open a window."
Ethan looked down.
"That's awful."
"It was."
Ryan paused.
"But the worst part was that eventually I started believing them."
Ethan looked at him.
Ryan continued.
"I started thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me."
The words were difficult to say.
He had not spoken them aloud in years.
"Even when nobody said anything, I assumed they were thinking it."
Ethan nodded.
"I know that feeling."
Ryan smiled.
"That's why I understand you."
He looked toward the window.
"By the time I reached university, I'd developed the same routines you have. Extra shirts. Wipes. Deodorant. Checking myself before walking into a room."
Ethan smiled faintly.
"You really are the same."
"Unfortunately."
They both laughed.
The laughter was brief, but it made the room feel lighter.
Ryan looked at Ethan.
"I eventually got better at hiding it."
"That's what you meant when you said people think you're confident."
"Yeah."
Ryan shrugged.
"I learned how to act like nothing bothered me."
Ethan studied him.
"Does it still?"
"Sometimes."
Ryan looked directly at him.
"Especially when I care what someone thinks."
Ethan's expression changed.
Neither man spoke.
Ryan realized what he had almost admitted.
He looked away.
"Anyway."
Ethan smiled.
"You don't have to change the subject."
Ryan laughed softly.
"I might."
"Why?"
"Because I'm suddenly realizing I've said more tonight than I usually say in a month."
Ethan's smile became warmer.
"I won't tell anyone."
"I appreciate that."
They sat quietly again.
Ryan looked at Ethan's hand.
A few minutes earlier, Ethan had placed it over his.
The memory remained.
So did the feeling.
Something about Ethan's trust had affected him deeply.
Ryan had always believed attraction began with physical interest. Someone caught your eye. You liked their smile. You noticed their body. You wanted to get closer.
With Ethan, it had been different.
He had noticed Ethan's vulnerability first.
Then his humor.
Then his kindness.
Then the way he listened.
Only afterward had Ryan started noticing the physical details that made his heart behave differently.
The way Ethan's hair fell across his forehead.
The way he smiled when he was genuinely amused.
The way his expression softened whenever Ryan reassured him.
Ryan looked at him now and felt that same pull.
It was stronger than before.
Ethan seemed to sense his attention.
"What?"
Ryan smiled.
"Nothing."
"You keep doing that."
"Doing what?"
"Looking at me and then saying nothing."
Ryan laughed.
"Maybe I'm thinking."
"About?"
Ryan hesitated.
"You."
Ethan's smile faded into something more uncertain.
"Why?"
Ryan considered giving him an easy answer.
Instead, he said, "Because I like talking to you."
Ethan looked down.
"I like talking to you too."
There was something in his voice.
Something quiet.
Ryan felt his heartbeat increase.
They were sitting close again.
Not touching.
But close enough that Ryan could feel the warmth coming from Ethan.
The room seemed smaller.
Ryan wondered whether Ethan knew how difficult it was becoming to pretend that this was simply friendship.
He decided not to push.
Not yet.
Instead, he asked, "Do you feel different around me?"
Ethan looked at him.
"What do you mean?"
Ryan shrugged.
"Earlier you said you felt safe."
"I do."
"Why?"
Ethan thought about it.
"I don't know."
"You can think."
Ethan smiled.
"I guess because you understand."
Ryan nodded.
"That's part of it."
Ethan looked toward the window.
"You're not waiting for me to mess up."
Ryan frowned.
"What?"
"With other people, I always feel like they're waiting for me to sweat or smell or do something embarrassing."
Ryan's expression softened.
"But with you?"
"I don't think about it."
Ryan felt something warm spread through his chest.
Ethan continued.
"When I'm with you, I don't have to check myself every few minutes."
Ryan stared at him.
"That's a big deal."
"I know."
Ethan smiled.
"I don't feel like I have to be perfect."
Ryan swallowed.
Neither of them spoke.
Ethan's words had reached somewhere deep inside him.
Because Ryan felt the same way.
Around Ethan, he didn't have to perform confidence.
He could admit that he was insecure.
He could admit that he was afraid.
He could be sweaty after training without immediately looking for an excuse to leave.
And Ethan stayed.
Ryan realized that this was why their connection felt different.
It wasn't only attraction.
It was recognition.
They had found something in each other that neither had experienced often.
Acceptance without conditions.
Ryan looked at Ethan.
"You're safe with me."
Ethan's eyes met his.
"I know."
Something changed in the room.
Ryan could feel it.
The air seemed warmer, although the air conditioner was still running.
He became aware of how close Ethan was sitting.
Ethan seemed equally aware.
Neither moved.
Ryan wondered what would happen if he reached across the space between them.
He didn't.
Not yet.
Ethan looked at him for several seconds before speaking.
"I feel strange saying this."
"What?"
"I don't know how to explain it."
"Try."
Ethan smiled nervously.
"When I'm around you, I feel..."
He stopped.
Ryan waited.
"Comfortable."
Ryan smiled.
"That's not strange."
"It is for me."
"Why?"
"Because I don't usually feel comfortable around people."
Ryan understood.
Ethan continued.
"But with you, I do."
Ryan looked down briefly.
He needed a second to control his expression.
Because suddenly he knew.
The attraction between them was no longer something he could dismiss.
It wasn't simply because Ethan was handsome.
It wasn't because they spent so much time together.
It wasn't because they shared the same insecurity.
It was because Ryan wanted Ethan close.
He wanted to be the person Ethan trusted.
He wanted to hear Ethan laugh.
He wanted to know what Ethan was thinking.
And he wanted the quiet moments between them to last.
That was more than friendship.
Ryan looked back at him.
Ethan was watching him.
Neither man said what they were thinking.
Maybe they weren't ready.
Maybe naming it would change something they weren't prepared to lose.
Ryan reached for the notebook beside him and closed it.
"You should get some sleep."
Ethan smiled.
"Probably."
They stood.
Ethan picked up his phone.
Ryan switched off the main light.
The room became dim except for the small lamp beside the bed.
As Ethan climbed beneath his blanket, Ryan looked across the room.
"Good night."
"Good night."
Ryan lay down.
For several minutes, he stared into the darkness.
He could still feel the warmth of Ethan's hand.
He could still hear him saying that he felt safe.
Ryan smiled to himself.
He had entered university believing he had finally learned how to live without being embarrassed by his body.
He hadn't realized that the real freedom would come from finding someone who understood without needing an explanation.
And now that person was lying only a few feet away.
Ryan closed his eyes.
He knew things were changing.
He also knew he didn't want them to stop.
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