Chapter 6 Campus Rumors
People Are Watching
By Monday morning, Ethan had started noticing how often people noticed him.
It was probably his imagination.
At least, that was what he told himself.
The campus was busy again after the quieter weekend, with students moving between buildings, carrying coffee cups and backpacks, calling to friends across the walkways, and gathering outside lecture halls before classes began. Nothing had changed.
Except Ethan's awareness of everything around him had intensified.
He had spent the previous week becoming comfortable with Ryan.
They had shared meals, studied together, walked across campus, and spent more time alone in their temporary dorm room than either of them had originally expected.
Their friendship had developed so naturally that Ethan had stopped questioning it.
But Monday morning reminded him that other people could see things he tried not to examine himself.
He was sitting with Marcus and two other members of the swim team when Marcus glanced across the cafeteria.
"There's your roommate."
Ethan looked up.
Ryan had just entered the room.
He was carrying a coffee and scanning the tables.
Before Ethan could say anything, Ryan spotted him and smiled.
It was a small smile.
Familiar.
Private.
Ethan smiled back without thinking.
Marcus noticed.
"So that's what we're calling him now?"
Ethan frowned.
"Calling him what?"
"Your roommate."
"He is my roommate."
"For now."
"Exactly."
Marcus leaned back in his chair.
"You two spend a lot of time together."
Ethan shrugged.
"We've been sharing a room."
"Even before that."
Ethan's stomach tightened.
One of the other swimmers laughed.
"You guys are practically attached."
Ethan forced a smile.
"We're friends."
"Nobody said you weren't."
The casual tone should have made the comment harmless.
Instead, Ethan felt heat rise beneath his collar.
Ryan approached the table.
"Morning."
Marcus looked at him.
"Morning."
Ryan nodded at everyone before looking at Ethan.
"Ready for class?"
"Yeah."
Ryan glanced at the empty chair.
"Can I sit?"
Ethan nodded.
"Sure."
Ryan sat beside him.
The conversation continued.
Someone complained about an upcoming assignment. Marcus talked about practice. Another teammate mentioned a party planned for the following weekend.
Ethan tried to concentrate.
But he could feel Ryan sitting beside him.
Their shoulders were close.
Their bags rested against the same chair leg.
Ryan leaned toward him occasionally when someone across the table spoke.
None of it was unusual.
Yet Ethan suddenly became aware of every movement.
He wondered whether Marcus was watching.
He wondered whether anyone else was noticing.
He hated that he was thinking about it.
Ryan looked at him.
"You okay?"
Ethan nodded.
"Yeah."
Ryan smiled.
The conversation moved on.
But Ethan couldn't relax.
After breakfast, he and Ryan walked toward the academic buildings.
"You've been quiet," Ryan said.
"I'm tired."
"Practice?"
"Later."
Ryan looked at him.
"Something else?"
Ethan hesitated.
"No."
Ryan didn't argue.
They walked together.
At the intersection between the library and the science building, Ethan saw two students from his class looking in their direction.
One of them whispered something.
The other laughed.
Ethan's stomach dropped.
He looked away immediately.
Ryan noticed.
"What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Ethan."
"I'm fine."
Ryan watched him for another moment.
"Okay."
They continued walking.
Ethan felt guilty.
Ryan had done nothing wrong.
The problem was inside Ethan's head.
He knew that.
Still, the feeling remained.
Later that afternoon, Ethan met his friend Daniel outside the science building.
Daniel had been one of his closest friends since his first year. He knew Ethan's academic habits, his swimming schedule, and his tendency to overprepare for everything.
Daniel looked toward the athletic center.
"You and Ryan are together a lot."
Ethan's chest tightened.
"We're friends."
Daniel smiled.
"I know."
"Then why do you keep saying it?"
"Because you get defensive every time."
Ethan looked at him.
"I'm not defensive."
Daniel raised an eyebrow.
"You are now."
Ethan sighed.
"Sorry."
Daniel's expression softened.
"I'm not judging you."
"I know."
"Then relax."
Ethan nodded.
Daniel continued.
"He's good for you."
Ethan looked surprised.
"What?"
"You seem happier lately."
Ethan didn't know how to respond.
Daniel smiled.
"That's a good thing."
"Yeah."
"Unless you're worried about something else."
Ethan looked away.
He could not tell Daniel the truth.
Not yet.
He wasn't even sure what the truth was.
Ryan and he had not kissed.
They had not defined their relationship.
They had not said anything that could officially change what they were.
But Ethan knew there was something.
Something growing quietly between them.
Something that had begun with understanding and was becoming harder to describe.
Daniel checked his phone.
"I've got to go."
"Okay."
"See you later."
"Yeah."
Ethan watched him leave.
He stood alone for a moment.
Then he noticed Ryan across the courtyard.
Ryan was talking to one of his classmates.
He looked relaxed.
Confident.
Completely unaware of the storm inside Ethan's head.
Ryan spotted him.
His face immediately brightened.
He excused himself and walked over.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"How was your class?"
"Fine."
Ryan studied him.
"You're doing that thing again."
"What thing?"
"Thinking too much."
Ethan smiled weakly.
"Maybe."
Ryan stepped closer.
"Want to talk?"
"Not here."
Ryan looked around.
The courtyard was crowded.
"Okay."
They began walking toward the quieter path behind the library.
Ethan was grateful for the distance from the crowd.
But as they walked, he noticed something that made him even more uncomfortable.
A pair of students passed them.
One looked at Ryan.
Then at Ethan.
Then back at Ryan.
It might have meant nothing.
Ethan knew that.
But his mind immediately filled in the rest.
He imagined the questions.
Are they together?
Are they dating?
Why are they always together?
Does Ethan like him?
The questions made his stomach twist.
Ryan glanced at him.
"You really are somewhere else today."
Ethan looked at him.
"Sorry."
Ryan frowned.
"You don't have to apologize."
Ethan almost laughed.
He had heard those words from Ryan before.
They were becoming familiar.
Maybe too familiar.
"I know."
They reached the library steps.
Ryan sat down.
Ethan remained standing.
"Sit."
Ethan hesitated.
Then he sat beside him.
For several minutes, neither spoke.
Finally, Ryan said, "Is this about people?"
Ethan looked at him.
"What?"
"You're worried about what people think."
Ethan looked away.
Ryan was right.
"I don't know."
"You do."
Ethan sighed.
"Maybe."
Ryan waited.
Ethan rubbed his palms together.
"I think people are noticing how much time we spend together."
Ryan looked at him.
"So?"
Ethan didn't answer.
Ryan continued.
"We are friends."
"I know."
"Then what's the problem?"
Ethan looked toward the crowded courtyard.
"The problem is that people don't always see things the way we do."
Ryan was silent.
Ethan knew he was saying too much.
But once the words started, they were difficult to stop.
"They make assumptions."
"Let them."
"It's not that simple."
Ryan's expression became serious.
"Why?"
Ethan looked at him.
Because I care what they think.
Because I don't want people talking.
Because I don't know what we are.
Because I'm scared.
He couldn't say any of it.
Instead, he said, "I don't like attention."
Ryan nodded slowly.
"I know."
Ethan looked at him.
Ryan's voice softened.
"But you don't have to be ashamed of spending time with me."
"I know."
"Do you?"
Ethan swallowed.
He wanted to say yes.
He wanted to believe it.
But the truth was that he had started becoming nervous whenever they walked together through crowded places.
He had begun wondering whether they stood too close.
Whether they looked at each other too long.
Whether someone might notice the way his expression changed whenever Ryan smiled.
His friendship with Ryan had become the safest part of his life.
And somehow, that safety was beginning to frighten him.
Ryan stood.
"I have to get to class."
Ethan nodded.
"Okay."
Ryan looked at him for a moment.
"See you later?"
Ethan hesitated.
Then he said, "Yeah."
Ryan walked away.
Ethan watched him disappear into the crowd.
He wanted to follow.
Instead, he stayed where he was.
For the first time since meeting Ryan, Ethan understood that being close to someone could create a completely different kind of fear.
He was no longer afraid only of people noticing his sweat.
He was afraid of them noticing Ryan.
Noticing the way Ethan looked at him.
Noticing how much he wanted Ryan near him.
And most frightening of all, Ethan was beginning to wonder what would happen if people noticed something Ethan himself was still afraid to name.
He lowered his eyes and took a slow breath.
The friendship that had made him feel safe was becoming the very thing that made him nervous.
And he didn't know how long he could keep both feelings apart.
Denial
Ryan noticed the change before Ethan admitted there was one.
It happened gradually.
At first, Ethan simply became quieter when other students were nearby.
Then he started walking a little farther away whenever they crossed the central courtyard.
If someone from the swim team approached, Ethan would suddenly find something interesting on his phone.
If a classmate greeted Ryan, Ethan sometimes stepped ahead instead of waiting.
None of those things seemed important individually.
Together, they were impossible to ignore.
Ryan tried not to take it personally.
He knew Ethan was anxious about attention. They had talked about it more than once. Ryan understood that Ethan had spent years worrying about being judged, and he knew those fears did not disappear because someone told him he was safe.
Still, understanding something did not make it painless.
On Tuesday morning, Ryan and Ethan walked toward the cafeteria after class.
The campus was crowded.