Chapter 6 Campus Rumors #2
Students filled the paths between buildings, and several groups had gathered around the outdoor tables. Ethan walked beside Ryan at first, close enough that their shoulders nearly touched.
Ryan was telling him about an assignment when two students from his sports-science class called his name.
"Ryan!"
Ryan turned.
"Hey."
The students approached, talking about their upcoming presentation.
Ryan stopped to listen.
When he turned back toward Ethan, Ethan had moved several steps away.
He was standing near a tree, looking at his phone.
Ryan watched him.
Ethan wasn't actually reading anything.
Ryan could tell.
He was pretending to be occupied.
When the conversation ended, Ryan walked over.
"You could have stayed."
Ethan put his phone away.
"I know."
"Why did you move?"
"I didn't."
Ryan gave him a look.
"You did."
Ethan shrugged.
"I just wanted some space."
Ryan nodded.
"Okay."
They continued toward the cafeteria.
Ryan didn't push.
But the feeling stayed with him.
Later that afternoon, they met in the library.
Ethan arrived first.
Ryan sat across from him.
For nearly an hour, they studied without speaking much.
It should have felt normal.
Instead, Ryan kept noticing how carefully Ethan behaved.
When two students sat nearby, Ethan shifted his chair.
When someone walked past their table, Ethan lowered his voice.
When Ryan leaned closer to show him something on his laptop, Ethan glanced around before looking at the screen.
Finally, Ryan closed his notebook.
"Ethan."
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you something?"
Ethan looked up.
"Sure."
"Are you avoiding me?"
Ethan's expression changed.
"No."
"You are."
"I'm not."
Ryan remained calm.
"I've noticed."
Ethan sighed.
"I've just been stressed."
"About classes?"
"Mostly."
Ryan nodded.
"Okay."
But he didn't believe him.
He knew Ethan well enough now to recognize when he was hiding something.
The problem was that Ryan wasn't sure what Ethan was hiding.
That uncertainty began bothering him.
They left the library together.
The sun was beginning to set, casting long shadows across the campus.
Ryan walked beside Ethan.
Neither spoke for several minutes.
Finally Ryan said, "Did I do something?"
Ethan looked at him.
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Ryan nodded.
They kept walking.
A group of students approached from the opposite direction.
Ryan recognized one of them and raised a hand in greeting.
Ethan immediately slowed.
Ryan noticed.
Again.
That same movement.
That same distance.
This time, Ryan stopped.
"Ethan."
Ethan turned.
"What?"
"Why do you keep doing that?"
"Doing what?"
"Moving away whenever someone comes near us."
Ethan looked uncomfortable.
"I don't."
"You do."
Ryan's voice remained gentle, but there was disappointment underneath it.
Ethan looked toward the ground.
"I just don't like crowds."
"That's not what I'm asking."
Ethan was silent.
Ryan waited.
"I thought you trusted me," Ryan said.
"I do."
"Then tell me what's happening."
Ethan looked at him.
"I already told you."
"No."
Ryan shook his head.
"You told me you don't like attention. That's different."
Ethan's shoulders tightened.
Ryan immediately softened his tone.
"I'm not trying to pressure you."
"I know."
"I just don't understand why you act completely comfortable when we're alone and then suddenly act like you don't know me when someone walks by."
Ethan looked hurt.
Ryan regretted the wording.
"I'm sorry."
Ethan shook his head.
"No. You're right."
Ryan looked at him.
Ethan took a breath.
"I'm just scared."
"Of what?"
"People."
Ryan waited.
"People talking," Ethan continued. "People asking questions. People making assumptions."
Ryan nodded.
"I understand."
"But you don't."
Ryan frowned.
"I've dealt with people talking too."
"I know."
"Then why don't you believe me?"
Ethan looked away.
"Because you don't seem to care."
Ryan gave a quiet laugh.
"That's because I learned how to pretend."
Ethan looked at him.
The words seemed familiar.
Ryan had told him that before.
"I care," Ryan said. "I just don't want other people's opinions controlling my life."
Ethan nodded.
"I wish I could do that."
"You can."
"Maybe not yet."
Ryan studied him.
There was no anger in Ethan's face.
Only fear.
Ryan understood that.
But understanding did not erase the question growing inside him.
They continued walking.
Eventually they reached a quieter path behind the residence buildings.
Ryan stopped again.
Ethan turned.
Ryan looked at him for a long moment.
Then he asked the question he had been trying not to ask.
"Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?"
Ethan's eyes widened.
"What?"
"Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?"
"No."
The answer came immediately.
Ryan watched his face.
Ethan looked sincere.
But there was something else there.
Fear.
Ryan knew the difference.
"Then what is it?"
"I told you."
"You're afraid of people."
"Yes."
Ryan nodded.
"But I'm not embarrassed by you."
Ryan believed that Ethan meant it.
That was the problem.
He could believe Ethan wasn't ashamed of him personally while still knowing that Ethan was afraid of what being close to him might mean.
Ryan took a slow breath.
"Okay."
Ethan looked relieved.
"Okay?"
"Okay."
Ryan gave him a small smile.
"I believe you."
Ethan's shoulders relaxed.
"But I also think there's more."
Ethan looked away.
Ryan didn't press further.
Not tonight.
He knew Ethan needed time.
They started walking again.
After several minutes, Ethan said quietly, "I don't want to lose you."
Ryan stopped.
Ethan turned.
Ryan's heart tightened.
"You won't."
"But what if things change?"
"Things are already changing."
Ethan stared at him.
Ryan immediately regretted saying it.
"What do you mean?"
Ryan shook his head.
"Nothing."
Ethan stepped closer.
"No. Tell me."
Ryan looked into his eyes.
For one brief moment, he wanted to tell him everything.
That he thought about Ethan constantly.
That he noticed every smile.
That he liked being close to him.
That the friendship had become something much more complicated.
Instead, he said, "I just mean we're getting closer."
Ethan nodded slowly.
"Yeah."
Neither man moved.
Then Ethan smiled faintly.
"I don't want that to stop."
Ryan felt a wave of relief.
"Neither do I."
They continued walking.
Ryan knew they hadn't solved anything.
Ethan was still afraid.
He was still likely to step away when people approached them.
He was still trying to convince himself that their relationship was only friendship.
But Ryan also knew something else.
Ethan wasn't embarrassed by him.
He was frightened by what other people might see.
And perhaps even more frightened by what he might see himself if he stopped pretending.
Ryan glanced at Ethan as they walked beneath the campus lights.
Ethan caught him looking.
"What?"
Ryan smiled.
"Nothing."
Ethan smiled back.
For now, that was enough.
Ryan would give him time.
But he also knew that denial could only last so long.
Something was growing between them.
And sooner or later, they would have to decide what they were willing to call it.
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