Chapter 9 Something Real #2
Ryan watched him.
There had been a time when Ethan would have apologized for sitting in the same room after practice.
Now he was comfortable enough to remain beside Ryan without thinking about it.
That meant something.
Later that week, Ethan had a difficult exam.
Ryan could tell from the moment Ethan woke up.
He barely spoke during breakfast.
He checked his notes several times.
His fingers tapped against the table while he studied.
By the time they reached campus, Ethan was visibly tense.
"You studied," Ryan said.
"I know."
"You're prepared."
"I know."
"You'll be okay."
Ethan sighed.
"I know."
Ryan smiled.
"You don't sound convinced."
"I'm convinced. I'm just nervous."
Ryan nodded.
"That's allowed."
Ethan looked at him.
"What?"
"You're allowed to be nervous."
Ethan smiled faintly.
"You make everything sound simple."
"Not simple."
Ryan paused.
"Just normal."
Ethan looked at him for a long moment.
Then he nodded.
The exam went badly.
At least, that was what Ethan believed.
When he came out of the classroom, his expression was tight.
Ryan was waiting outside.
"How was it?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Okay."
Ethan started walking.
Ryan followed.
They reached a quiet bench behind the academic building.
Ethan sat down.
Ryan sat beside him.
For several minutes, Ethan stared at the ground.
Then he said, "I think I failed."
"You don't know that."
"I know how I felt in there."
"You still don't know."
Ethan rubbed his face.
"I'm so tired."
Ryan looked at him.
"Then don't think about the exam for the next hour."
"I can't."
"Try."
Ethan laughed weakly.
"I hate when you're reasonable."
"I know."
Ethan leaned back.
His shoulders relaxed slightly.
Then he looked at Ryan.
"I'm sweating."
Ryan smiled.
"I noticed."
Ethan waited for the embarrassment to appear.
It didn't.
Ryan simply sat there.
Ethan looked down at his shirt.
"I'm stressed."
"I know."
"Usually I'd be freaking out right now."
"Why aren't you?"
Ethan looked at him.
"Because it's you."
Ryan felt something tighten in his chest.
Ethan continued.
"I don't feel like I have to fix myself around you."
Ryan didn't know what to say.
Those words meant everything.
Ethan had spent years believing that every sign of sweat was something that needed to be corrected.
A shirt needed changing.
A body needed washing.
A smell needed covering.
A nervous habit needed hiding.
Now he could sit beside Ryan after a stressful exam, sweaty and exhausted, and simply exist.
Ryan reached for his hand.
Ethan took it.
They sat together beneath the shade of the trees.
After a while, Ethan rested his head against Ryan's shoulder.
Ryan stayed still.
"You know what I used to think?" Ethan asked.
"What?"
"That if someone really knew what I was like, they wouldn't want me."
Ryan's chest tightened.
"I know."
"I don't think that anymore."
Ryan looked down at him.
"Good."
"Not completely."
Ryan smiled faintly.
"That's okay."
Ethan lifted his head.
"I'm still learning."
"I know."
Ethan looked at him.
"But you're helping."
Ryan squeezed his hand.
"You don't need me to fix you."
"I know."
"You just need someone who doesn't make the fear worse."
Ethan nodded.
"Exactly."
Ryan looked at their hands.
He thought about the first day he had met Ethan.
He remembered the careful way Ethan had behaved in the locker room.
The extra clothes.
The nervous checking.
The distance he kept from everyone.
Ryan had recognized those habits because he had once lived inside them too.
Now Ethan was beginning to leave them behind.
Not completely.
Not forever.
But enough.
That mattered.
Over the next few weeks, Ryan saw more changes.
Ethan stopped leaving the room whenever Ryan came back from training.
He sometimes sat beside Ryan while still sweaty from practice.
He laughed when Ryan complained about his own workout clothes.
He even joked about their shared tendency to overheat.
One evening, Ryan came back from the gym and found Ethan lying across his bed reading.
Ryan dropped his bag.
"I'm exhausted."
Ethan looked over.
"You smell like practice."
Ryan stopped.
He waited.
For years, that sentence would have terrified him.
Instead, Ethan smiled.
"So do you."
Ryan laughed.
"Fair."
Ethan returned to his book.
Ryan stared at him.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You're doing the staring thing again."
Ryan smiled.
"I like seeing you comfortable."
Ethan looked thoughtful.
"I'm comfortable because I know you won't judge me."
Ryan walked over and sat beside him.
"I never will."
"I know."
Ethan closed his book.
"That's why I can breathe around you."
Ryan's heart softened.
He understood exactly how significant that was.
Ethan wasn't simply becoming comfortable with sweat.
He was becoming comfortable with being seen.
There was a difference.
The sweating had never been the real problem.
The fear of rejection had been.
Ryan had known that from the beginning because he carried his own version of that fear.
He couldn't erase Ethan's history.
He couldn't promise that nobody would ever say something cruel again.
But he could choose what kind of person he would be when Ethan was vulnerable.
He could listen.
He could stay.
He could remind Ethan that his body wasn't something he needed to apologize for.
And he could make sure that the person Ethan trusted most would never become another source of shame.
That night, Ethan fell asleep while they were studying.
His head rested against Ryan's shoulder.
Ryan carefully lowered the book from Ethan's hands.
He looked at Ethan's relaxed face.
There was no tension.
No nervous checking.
No attempt to hide.
Just trust.
Ryan smiled quietly.
He knew Ethan wasn't completely free from his insecurities.
Neither was Ryan.
They probably never would be.
But Ethan was learning that he didn't have to fight those insecurities alone.
And Ryan realized that Ethan was beginning to trust him completely.
That trust was something Ryan would protect.
He leaned back carefully, making sure not to wake him.
As he watched Ethan sleep, Ryan made himself a quiet promise.
Whatever happened between them, whatever people said, whatever challenges came later, he would never make Ethan feel ashamed of his body.
Not for sweating.
Not for smelling natural.
Not for being vulnerable.
Never.
Because Ethan had spent enough of his life believing that something about him needed to be hidden.
Ryan wanted to be the person who showed him that he never needed to hide from him again.
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