Chapter 12 The Fight #2
Ethan's expression changed.
"Space?"
"Yeah."
"For how long?"
"I don't know."
Ethan looked frightened.
Ryan hated seeing that.
But he knew he couldn't keep pretending everything was fine.
"I need time to think."
Ethan nodded slowly.
"I understand."
Ryan looked at him.
"Do you?"
"I think so."
Ryan gave a small, tired smile.
"I hope you do."
They stood silently.
Ethan looked as though he wanted to say something.
Ryan waited.
Finally, Ethan said, "I don't want this to end."
Ryan felt his chest tighten.
"Neither do I."
"Then why are you walking away?"
"Because staying here and repeating the same argument won't help either of us."
Ethan nodded.
Ryan continued.
"I care about you too much to keep turning this into a fight."
Ethan looked at him.
Ryan could see tears in his eyes.
"I just need you to understand something."
"What?"
"I can't pretend we're nothing."
Ethan looked down.
Ryan's voice became softer.
"I can't go back to being your roommate who happens to be your friend."
Ethan swallowed.
"That's not what I want."
"Then don't treat me like it."
Ethan looked up.
"I don't know how to do this."
"I know."
"I've never done this before."
"Neither have I."
Ethan gave a weak laugh.
"You seem better at it."
Ryan smiled sadly.
"I'm better at pretending I'm not scared."
The smile disappeared.
"I'm not actually better at this."
Ethan looked at him.
Ryan continued.
"I'm scared too."
"Of what?"
"Losing you."
The words left Ryan's mouth before he could stop them.
Ethan stared at him.
Ryan looked away.
"But I'm also scared of losing myself."
Ethan's expression softened.
Ryan took another breath.
"I don't want to spend every day wondering whether you're going to pull away when someone looks at us."
"I don't want that either."
"I know."
"I'll try."
Ryan nodded.
"I believe you."
That was the hardest part.
Ryan did believe him.
He believed Ethan wanted to change.
He believed Ethan cared.
He believed the relationship mattered.
But sometimes caring wasn't enough to make fear disappear.
Sometimes people needed time.
Ryan looked at his phone.
He had several messages waiting.
Classes.
A group project.
A reminder about practice.
Normal things.
Life was continuing.
That almost felt unfair.
He looked back at Ethan.
"I should go."
Ethan's eyes filled again.
"Okay."
Ryan hesitated.
He wanted to hug him.
He wanted to take his hand.
He wanted to tell him that everything would be fine.
But he wasn't sure everything would be fine.
So he simply nodded.
"Take care of yourself."
Ethan gave a small nod.
"You too."
Ryan turned and walked away.
He didn't look back immediately.
He was afraid that if he did, he would return.
He walked across campus slowly, trying to breathe normally.
Every step felt heavier.
He had wanted space.
Now that he had it, he hated it.
His mind returned to their first conversation.
The locker room.
The dorm room.
The nights they stayed awake talking.
The first time Ethan admitted he trusted him.
Their first kiss.
The way Ethan had smiled afterward.
The quiet happiness they had shared.
Ryan had never expected something so simple to become so important.
He reached the sports-science building.
His classmates were already gathering for their next session.
"Ryan!"
He looked up.
One of them waved.
Ryan forced a smile.
"Hey."
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah."
The automatic answer came easily.
He hated that.
He had spent so much of his life pretending everything was fine.
Now he was doing it again.
He entered the classroom.
He sat down.
He opened his notebook.
The professor began talking.
Ryan heard almost none of it.
His thoughts kept returning to Ethan.
Meanwhile, Ethan remained where Ryan had left him.
For several minutes, he didn't move.
The campus continued around him.
Students walked past.
Cars moved along the road.
Someone laughed nearby.
Ethan stared at the empty path.
Ryan was gone.
The absence felt physical.
Ethan had spent the last few weeks becoming accustomed to Ryan's presence.
Now every empty space reminded him of him.
He walked back toward the dorm.
Room 318 felt different when he opened the door.
Ryan's things were still there.
His backpack was near his desk.
His jacket hung over the back of his chair.
His textbooks were stacked beside the bed.
Everything looked normal.
But Ethan knew it wasn't.
He sat on his bed.
His phone was in his hand.
He opened their conversation.
The last message from Ryan was from several days ago.
Ethan scrolled upward.
He read old messages.
Small jokes.
Coffee plans.
Questions about classes.
Messages sent after practice.
A simple good night.
A good morning.
Little pieces of a relationship that had become so important before Ethan realized how much he depended on them.
He pressed his phone against his chest.
He missed Ryan already.
That frightened him.
He had thought protecting himself from judgment would make him feel safer.
Instead, he felt more alone than before.
He understood Ryan's point now.
Privacy could protect something.
Fear could destroy it.
Ethan lay back on his bed.
He stared at the ceiling.
He wanted to call Ryan.
He wanted to apologize again.
But he knew another apology wouldn't fix everything.
Ryan needed something different.
He needed Ethan to believe that their relationship deserved a place in his life.
Not necessarily in front of everyone.
But somewhere beyond a locked dorm room.
Ethan closed his eyes.
He remembered Ryan's words.
I can't pretend we're nothing.
Ethan whispered to the empty room.
"You're not nothing."
His voice broke.
"You're everything."
Across campus, Ryan sat through the rest of his class.
When it ended, he walked outside alone.
He checked his phone.
There was no message from Ethan.
Part of him was relieved.
He wasn't ready for another conversation.
Another part of him felt disappointed.
He wanted Ethan to reach out.
He wanted proof that the distance hurt him too.
Ryan walked toward the athletic center.
He passed the courtyard where they had first started spending time together.
He remembered Ethan sitting there with a coffee.
He remembered their first long conversation.
He remembered how Ethan had slowly begun trusting him.
Ryan stopped for a moment.
He could still picture him.
He could almost hear his laugh.
Ryan closed his eyes.
He missed him.
But he knew walking away had been necessary.
Not because he stopped caring.
Because he cared enough to admit that the way they were living wasn't working.
Neither man had truly stopped loving the other.
Neither had decided the relationship was over.
But for now, they had stepped into separate lives.
Ethan returned to classes and practice.
Ryan returned to lectures and training.
They passed each other occasionally on campus.
Sometimes their eyes met.
Neither approached.
Each time, the silence hurt.
They had not lost their feelings.
They had not lost the memories.
They had not even lost hope completely.
But they had lost the easy closeness they once had.
And both men carried that absence with them.
Ethan began to understand what Ryan had meant.
He had been so afraid of losing everything that he had pushed away the one person who had never made him feel like something was wrong with him.
Ryan had walked away because he couldn't keep pretending their relationship meant nothing.
And now both men had to live with the silence between them.
Neither knew how long it would last.
Neither knew who would make the first move.
But neither could stop thinking about what they had lost.
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