Chapter 15 Back Together
The Apology
Ethan had rehearsed the apology so many times that, by the time he finally stood in front of Ryan, every prepared sentence felt useless.
They were sitting together on the quiet bench behind the student center, the same place where Ryan had finally told him the truth about his past. Ethan could still feel the warmth of Ryan's shoulder against his from earlier, and that small memory made his chest ache.
He had missed this.
He had missed Ryan.
But missing him was not enough.
Ethan knew that.
He had already learned that fear could explain a choice without excusing the damage it caused.
For several seconds, Ethan looked at Ryan without speaking.
Ryan waited.
Ethan took a slow breath.
"I'm sorry."
Ryan didn't immediately respond.
Ethan continued before he could lose his courage.
"I don't mean I'm sorry because I missed you. I don't mean I'm sorry because I hated being alone. I'm sorry because I hurt you."
Ryan's expression softened, but he remained quiet.
Ethan looked down at his hands.
"I let fear control me."
Saying it aloud felt different from thinking it.
"I was afraid of what people would say. I was afraid of what would happen to my scholarship. I was afraid my teammates would treat me differently. I was afraid people would look at us and decide something about me."
He swallowed.
"But instead of dealing with that fear, I made you deal with the consequences."
Ryan looked at him.
Ethan forced himself to meet his eyes.
"I pulled away from you."
Ryan nodded slightly.
"You did."
"I ignored your messages."
"Yes."
"I canceled plans."
"Yes."
"I acted like being seen with you was something dangerous."
Ryan's jaw tightened slightly.
Ethan felt the weight of those words.
"I know."
He took another breath.
"And the worst part is that you were the person I trusted most."
Ryan didn't interrupt.
"You were the person who made me feel like I didn't have to hide my body. You were the person who never made me feel embarrassed about sweating. You were the person who understood things I had spent years being ashamed of."
Ethan's voice became quieter.
"And when I became afraid, I pushed you away."
Ryan looked down.
Ethan continued.
"I did exactly the opposite of what you needed from me."
Ryan looked back at him.
"You were scared too."
"I know."
"But you still hurt me."
"I know."
Ethan didn't defend himself.
That was important.
He had spent too much time explaining his fear as if understanding it would somehow erase what he had done.
It wouldn't.
"I don't want to make excuses anymore," Ethan said. "I don't want to say I was scared and expect that to make everything okay."
Ryan remained silent.
"I was scared. That's true. But I still made a choice."
His fingers tightened together.
"I chose to hide."
Ryan's eyes stayed on him.
"I chose to shut you out because I thought controlling what people knew would protect me."
Ethan shook his head.
"But it didn't protect me. It just made me lose you."
Ryan's expression changed.
Ethan could see the emotion in his eyes.
"I don't want to lose you again."
Ryan looked away.
Ethan waited.
"I know saying that doesn't fix anything."
Ryan finally looked back at him.
"No," he said quietly. "It doesn't."
Ethan nodded.
"I know."
The answer was painful, but he accepted it.
"I also know that I can't promise I'll never be afraid again."
Ryan watched him carefully.
"I wish I could promise that. I wish I could tell you I'll suddenly become fearless and never care what anyone thinks."
Ethan gave a small, sad smile.
"But that wouldn't be honest."
Ryan's expression softened.
"So I'm not going to promise something I can't guarantee."
Ethan shifted slightly closer.
"What I can promise is that I won't make you guess what I'm feeling anymore."
Ryan remained still.
"If I'm scared, I'll tell you."
Ethan's voice steadied.
"If I need time, I'll tell you. If something someone says hurts me, I'll talk to you instead of disappearing. And if I'm struggling with the way people see me, I won't make you feel like you're the problem."
Ryan looked at him for a long moment.
"That's different."
Ethan nodded.
"I want it to be."
The wind moved through the trees above them.
Students walked along the distant path, talking and laughing, but neither Ethan nor Ryan paid attention.
Ethan felt strangely calm.
He had expected apologizing to make him feel better.
Instead, it made him feel exposed.
But it was a different kind of exposure from the one he had feared.
He wasn't exposed because people were looking at his body.
He was exposed because Ryan could see his heart.
And somehow, that felt safer.
"I was wrong," Ethan said.
Ryan's eyes softened.
"About what?"
"About thinking that hiding would keep us safe."
Ryan didn't answer.
"All it did was make you feel like I was ashamed of you."
Ryan's voice was quiet.
"I was afraid you were."
"I know."
"And that hurt."
"I know."
Ethan's eyes burned.
"I'm sorry."
Ryan looked down.
For several seconds, he didn't speak.
Then he said, "I believe you."
Ethan's heart tightened.
"You do?"
"I believe you're sorry."
Ethan nodded.
"But that doesn't mean everything is fixed."
"I know."
Ryan turned toward him.
"That's the part I need you to understand."
Ethan listened.
"I don't want us to have one emotional conversation, hug, kiss, and then pretend nothing happened."
Ethan nodded slowly.
"Neither do I."
"If we're going to rebuild this, it has to be real."
"It will be."
Ryan gave him a look.
Ethan stopped himself.
He understood.
That had sounded like another promise.
A promise made because he desperately wanted Ryan to believe him.
So he corrected himself.
"I'll try to make it real."
Ryan nodded.
"That's better."
Ethan smiled faintly.
"You really don't let me get away with anything."
Ryan's mouth curved.
"Not anymore."
The small joke eased something between them.
Ethan felt his shoulders relax.
"I missed that."
"What?"
"That."
Ryan smiled.
"My terrible personality?"
"Your confidence."
Ryan raised an eyebrow.
"You know it's mostly fake."
"I know."
Ethan smiled.
"But I like the real version better."
Ryan's expression changed.
The words seemed to reach somewhere deeper.
"The real version is scared sometimes."
"So am I."
"The real version overthinks."
"So do I."
"The real version gets hurt."
Ethan squeezed his hand.
"So does mine."
They sat quietly.
Ethan looked at their hands.
Their fingers had slowly intertwined without either of them consciously deciding to do it.
The gesture felt simple.
Natural.
Nothing like the secrecy that had surrounded them before.
Ryan eventually spoke.
"I accept your apology."
Ethan looked up.
"But I need you to understand something."
"I will."
"If we're going to try again, I need honesty."
Ethan nodded.
"Not promises made because you're afraid of losing me."
Ethan swallowed.
"Okay."
"Not words you think I want to hear."
"Okay."
"Not pretending you're fine when you're not."
Ethan nodded.
"I can do that."
Ryan smiled slightly.
"Then we'll see where this goes."
Ethan felt something loosen inside his chest.
It wasn't certainty.
It wasn't a guarantee that everything would be easy.
It was something better.
A chance.
A real one.
Ethan looked at Ryan.
"I don't expect you to trust me immediately."
"Good."
"I know I have to earn that back."
Ryan nodded.
"Yes."
"And I want to."
Ryan's eyes held his.
"I know."
Ethan leaned slightly closer.
"Can I hug you?"
Ryan's expression softened.
"You don't have to ask."
Ethan wrapped his arms around him.
Ryan returned the embrace.
For several moments, neither spoke.
Ethan closed his eyes.
He could feel Ryan's familiar warmth against him, the same warmth he had once been terrified someone would notice.
Now it felt comforting.
Safe.
Familiar.
Ethan understood something in that moment.
His body had never been the thing separating him from other people.
His fear had been.
And Ryan had never demanded that fear disappear.
He had only asked Ethan not to let it decide everything.
When they finally pulled apart, Ryan looked at him.
"We take this slowly."
Ethan nodded.
"Slowly."
"And honestly."
"Honestly."
Ryan smiled.
Ethan smiled back.
For the first time since the photograph had appeared, Ethan didn't feel like he was trying to recover something that had been lost.
He felt like they were beginning something again.
Something more honest than before.
Something stronger because neither of them was pretending anymore.
No More Hiding
Ryan had expected getting back together to feel dramatic.
Instead, it felt quiet.
There was no grand announcement. No sudden certainty that every problem between them had disappeared. No promise that the rest of campus would suddenly become understanding.
There was simply Ethan sitting beside him on the bench, their hands still loosely connected, both of them trying to understand what it meant to begin again.
Ryan looked at Ethan.
"So we're really doing this?"
Ethan smiled.
"I think so."
Ryan raised an eyebrow.
"You think so?"
Ethan laughed softly.
"I know so."
Something warm moved through Ryan's chest.
He had missed hearing Ethan laugh like that.
"Okay," Ryan said. "Then we need to talk about what that means."
Ethan nodded.
"I was thinking the same thing."
Ryan smiled.
"Good."
They remained on the bench for a while, talking through the things they had avoided before.
The first boundary was privacy.
Neither of them wanted their relationship to become campus entertainment. The photograph had taught them how quickly private moments could become public conversations.
Ryan didn't want that again.
"I don't need everyone to know everything about us," he said.
"Neither do I."
"I don't want our relationship discussed in group chats."
Ethan grimaced.
"Definitely not."
"And I don't want pictures taken of us without either of us knowing."
Ethan nodded.
"Agreed."
Ryan looked at him.
"But there's a difference between privacy and hiding."
Ethan's expression became serious.
"I know."
"We can keep some things private without pretending we're not together."
Ethan nodded slowly.
"I don't want to lie anymore."
"Neither do I."