Chapter 15 Back Together #2
"If someone asks, I don't want to say you're just my roommate."
Ryan felt something shift inside him at those words.
"Good."
Ethan smiled.
"And you're not allowed to call me your friend when you mean boyfriend."
Ryan laughed.
"Boyfriend?"
Ethan's face became slightly pink.
"If we're giving this another chance, I think the word applies."
Ryan looked at him for a moment.
"Boyfriend."
Ethan smiled.
"Yeah."
Ryan repeated it softly.
"My boyfriend."
The words felt strangely powerful.
Not because the label changed what they felt.
But because Ethan was willing to say it.
Ryan had spent days wondering whether Ethan would ever be brave enough to acknowledge what they were.
Now he was sitting beside him, saying it without being forced.
Ryan squeezed his hand.
"I like that."
"So do I."
They discussed the rest of their boundaries.
They agreed that they didn't have to display affection everywhere they went. Neither of them wanted to perform their relationship for anyone else.
But they also agreed that they wouldn't avoid each other simply because other students were nearby.
If Ethan wanted to sit beside Ryan in the cafeteria, he would.
If Ryan wanted to walk with Ethan across campus, he would.
If they wanted to have lunch together, they wouldn't suddenly separate when someone they knew approached.
They would decide what they were comfortable sharing.
Together.
Ryan liked that word.
Together.
It sounded different from hiding.
"There's something else," Ethan said.
Ryan looked at him.
"What?"
"If I get scared again..."
Ryan waited.
"I want you to tell me when you're hurt."
Ryan's expression softened.
"I will."
"Don't just walk away."
"I won't."
"Even if you're angry."
"I'll try."
Ethan nodded.
Ryan understood the distinction.
Neither of them could promise perfection.
They could promise communication.
"I need something from you too," Ryan said.
"What?"
"If you're struggling with your body or the way people react to you, don't shut me out."
Ethan looked at him.
"I won't."
"I mean it."
"I know."
Ryan smiled.
"I don't want to become someone who has to convince you that you're worth being around."
Ethan's expression softened.
"You never did."
"I know."
Ryan looked down at their joined hands.
"But sometimes I felt like I was fighting your fear instead of being your partner."
Ethan nodded.
"That's fair."
"And I don't want that again."
"It won't be."
Ryan looked at him.
Ethan immediately smiled.
"Sorry."
Ryan laughed.
"I know what you mean."
They both laughed quietly.
The tension that had existed between them began to loosen.
For the first time, Ryan felt like they were talking about a relationship instead of trying to save one.
They eventually left the bench and walked toward campus.
Ryan noticed something almost immediately.
Ethan didn't pull away when they passed other students.
He didn't suddenly create several feet of distance between them.
Their shoulders brushed occasionally as they walked.
Nobody stopped.
Nobody pointed.
Nobody seemed particularly interested.
Ryan knew that didn't mean the world would always be kind.
But perhaps they had given other people too much power over them.
At the corner near the library, Ethan stopped.
Ryan looked at him.
"What?"
Ethan glanced around.
A few students were nearby, but none were paying attention.
Then Ethan reached for Ryan's hand.
Ryan looked down.
Their fingers intertwined.
It was such a small gesture.
Yet Ryan felt his heart beat faster.
"You okay?" Ethan asked.
Ryan smiled.
"Yeah."
Ethan smiled back.
"I thought we weren't going to pretend anymore."
"We're not."
They continued walking.
Later that evening, they returned to Room 318.
The room felt different.
It was still the same small dorm room.
The same desks.
The same beds.
The same walls.
But something about being there together again made Ryan feel like he had finally returned to a place he had missed.
Ethan dropped his backpack beside his desk.
"I hate that we lost all that time."
Ryan sat on his bed.
"We needed it."
Ethan looked at him.
"Did we?"
"Maybe."
Ryan thought about it.
"We both needed to understand something."
"What?"
"That loving someone doesn't mean you stop being afraid."
Ethan nodded.
"And being afraid doesn't mean you have to run."
"Exactly."
Ethan sat beside him.
For a while, they simply talked.
They discussed classes.
Swim practice.
Ryan's upcoming project.
Ethan's scholarship concerns.
Small things.
Ordinary things.
Things that had once felt impossible when they were avoiding each other.
Ryan realized that this was what he had missed most.
Not the kissing.
Not the physical closeness.
The ordinary moments.
The ability to tell Ethan something stupid and know he would listen.
The comfort of sitting in the same room without needing to fill every silence.
Ethan leaned against him.
Ryan rested his head gently against Ethan's.
Neither of them spoke.
The room was warm.
Ryan could feel the familiar heat between them, the slight dampness that had once made both of them uncomfortable.
He noticed Ethan shifting his shirt slightly.
Ryan gently caught his hand.
"Don't."
Ethan looked at him.
"Don't what?"
"Hide."
Ethan smiled.
"I wasn't."
"You were about to."
Ethan laughed softly.
"Maybe."
Ryan leaned closer.
"You don't have to."
Ethan looked at him for a long moment.
Then he relaxed.
That simple act meant more to Ryan than Ethan probably realized.
Ethan wasn't trying to control every physical detail.
He wasn't checking himself.
He wasn't apologizing.
He was simply sitting there.
With Ryan.
Ryan smiled.
"I missed you."
Ethan's eyes softened.
"I missed you too."
Ryan reached up and touched Ethan's cheek.
He moved slowly, giving Ethan every opportunity to pull away.
Ethan didn't.
Their foreheads touched.
The moment was quiet.
No audience.
No camera.
No rumors.
No fear about what someone might think.
Just them.
Ethan whispered, "Are we okay?"
Ryan smiled.
"We're getting there."
"That's good enough for me."
Ryan kissed him gently.
It was not rushed.
It wasn't about proving anything.
It was simply a kiss between two people who had chosen each other again.
When they pulled apart, Ethan smiled.
Ryan rested his forehead against his.
"This time," Ryan said softly, "we don't disappear when things get difficult."
Ethan nodded.
"This time, we talk."
"And we don't pretend we're strangers."
"Never again."
Ryan smiled.
He looked at Ethan and realized how different this moment felt from their first kiss.
Back then, they had been nervous about what their feelings meant.
Now they understood.
They knew the fears.
They knew the painful histories.
They knew the parts of each other that were easy to love and the parts that still needed patience.
And they were still choosing each other.
Ryan wrapped an arm around Ethan and pulled him closer.
Ethan settled against him.
For the first time in weeks, Ryan allowed himself to breathe without wondering what came next.
They were together again.
Not because they had forgotten what happened.
Because they had faced it.
Not because they had promised that fear would never return.
Because they had promised not to let fear make decisions for them.
And not because they were ready to tell the entire world every detail of their relationship.
They didn't need that.
Privacy could still belong to them.
But hiding no longer did.
Ryan looked down at Ethan.
His boyfriend.
The word still made him smile.
Ethan noticed.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"You have that look."
"What look?"
"Like you're thinking something."
Ryan smiled.
"I was just thinking that I really like having you back."
Ethan moved closer.
"I'm not going anywhere."
Ryan knew promises could be fragile.
He knew words said in emotional moments could become meaningless if actions didn't follow.
So he didn't answer with another promise.
He simply held Ethan closer.
And this time, that was enough.
· ? ·