76. Deacon
Chapter 76
Deacon
Henri’s fucking pregnant. What the fuck do we do? I’m standing here, staring at the refrigerator, and I can’t remember what I was trying to cook or that I was even hungry.
My wolf answers the rhetorical question. I don’t know. I thought you’d know. Raising pups isn’t a wolf job.
This is why I told you no. We didn’t need to be looking for or finding our mate, I groan, gripping the refrigerator for support.
He’s unsteady within me, wobbling with the same wooziness that tries to take me now. Had I known you didn’t know... He stops, but it doesn’t help my already deteriorating condition. Had I known you didn’t know... no. That’s a lie. The asshole pushes forward a picture of her smiling, and my body goes numb.
“Hey, Deacon.” The refrigerator door leaves my hand, closing in front of me, and Finn’s face moves into my line of sight. His hands are on my shoulders. “Are you okay?”
The way Finn cocks his head at me is funny.
My head is wobbly, and my heart is beating far too fast. “No. ”
“Let’s sit you down.” He guides me around the island to the couch and lets me fall back down into it.
He sits down on the couch across from me, leaning forward.
The room stops spinning.
“I haven’t.” I try to defend myself. At least, I don’t remember using.
“Henri’s pregnant?” Finn’s voice is so much quieter. He looks past me toward the hall that leads to her office.
“Henri’s pregnant.” I nod, agreeing with him.
Finn’s face lightens, and then he chuckles. “Could be worse.”
“Could be worse?” I scrub my hand down my face, starting to feel my heart rate steady.
“Yeah.” Finn nods. “Could be a velociraptor attack.”
I laugh, and a weight lifts off my chest. Finn’s joke isn’t all that funny given how angry I was about that before, but it sure does put things into perspective.
“I’m sorry.” I sigh after the laughter clears. “I know you’re trying to be supportive. It comes from a good place but—”
“But we’re all treating you like you’re one second away from disappointing us, and it’s pressure you don’t need.” Finn interrupts me.
“I was gonna say, but fuck off, I’m doing the best I can, but yeah, that probably surmises better.” I shrug with the realization that he’s labeled the feelings. “I’m sick of feeling like it’s just expected that I’ll fail. Would be really nice if someone just believed in me. Ms. Gertie doesn’t count because I’m pretty sure she thinks I can do anything, but that’s the good grandma energy.”
Finn actively listens. He nods and lowers his eyes while processing my words, and it’s the first time I think he might actually be seeing me. “I’ll do better. I’m sorry for being an overbearing arsehole to you. You mean a lot to Lena, and there’s something between the two of you she hasn’t been ready to share with me. Whatever it is, it weighs heavily on her. It seems every day we get closer to her heat, she’s more anxious about it and you.” Finn shakes his head and shrugs. “Well, I know you can appreciate the lengths we’ll go to for our mates.” He reaches for a personal connection.
Do I tell him it’s Lena’s fault I’m still alive? The thought seems insensitive, so I share the information without placing blame directly on her. “I made Lena a promise that I wouldn’t end my suffering until a certain date, and that day is approaching rapidly.” It feels like a lifetime ago that I had to pick a new date. “If Lena’s heat is on time, so to speak, I...” I shake my head, realizing how awful that must be for her. “I wouldn’t be here when she gets back.”
“Fuck,” Finn whispers.
His whole body folds, shoulders slumped, waist bent, resting his weight on his elbows. Finn hangs his head, and it takes a minute before he pulls himself up. He studies me. Finn looks about as sick as I felt moments ago.
“Should I.” Finn covers his mouth but stops the question and comes to a decision. “I’ll talk to her about suppressants. That...”
That could be so dangerous after what she put her body through with her trial drug. It’s not like we have a model for what she’s been through, but suppressants have caused infertility in the past and with her compromised state... Does Finn know that risk would be compounded?
I see Finn doing the math, but he doesn’t press.
Guilt seeps into my chest. Am I that selfish? I’ve waited this long. Henri changes everything. Henri pregnant with my pup changes everything indefinitely. It’s a turning point, here in this moment. Suicidal ideation may never go away, but the intent is over. She might never choose me back, but I’ll choose her and my pup.
“Thank you for telling me.” Finn puts his hand on my shoulder as he steps toward the end of the house where their room is. “It helps me help her.”
His hand falls away.
“Finn.” I stop him, closing my eyes before forcing them open. I stand, legs not as wobbly and the world not as spiny as it was before. I lock eyes with him. “I’ll talk to Lena. I can’t promise we’ll be velociraptor free forever, but I’ll always be here. So, you should maybe pick up one of those baby name books for Lena. She’s always wanted one but couldn’t bring herself to buy one. No point if she wasn’t ever going to have a mate, pups, and all that.”
Those words lift every single weight from Finn’s shoulders. They had worked themselves up around his ears, and now they drop to a normal position.
“Thank you.” His eyes turn glossy. “I don’t have words, Deacon. You mean so much to Kathleen, but don’t discount what you mean to me.”
I hang my head and come up with the only acceptable answer. “You make my sister very happy. Equally mad, but very happy. We may not always see eye to eye, but I can respect you for all the decisions you’ve made to protect her.”
Finn nods, accepting what I’m saying, and this time when he turns to go, we part ways.
“Deacon! There you are.” Zachariah comes charging in through the wall, and I pinch the bridge of my nose.
It would have been my luck to kill myself and get stuck haunting people in the same vicinity as him anyway.
“What do you want?” I snap at him, walking up the stairs to the second and third stories.
“I think you need to have a talk with that Marielle lady. She’s on a tirade and acting crazy.” Zachariah swings right into the role of sexist old white dude without any hesitation. “I swear. Back in my day the women respected men. They didn’t go on about this nonsense like women’s rights to their bodies. They trusted men to make the right decision.”
I stop mid-flight of stairs and look at him. “What was Marielle talking about?”
“Something about an unhappy mother to be.” He takes the shocked look on my face as agreement with his cause. “Yes! You get it. So, you’ll talk to her, then? I knew you’d get her sorted. Aside from seeing ghosts, you’ve quite a level head on you.”
I walk away from Zachariah back down the stairs and across the house the long way toward Henri’s office. But she’s not there. Her computer is gone, and the lights are off.
“Henri, where did you go?” I ask mostly to myself while I pull my phone out of my pocket and press the call button. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
“Hello?” Henri sounds aggravated, and I hear keys in a door lock.
Not here. My wolf deduces.
“Hey, where are you?” I skip right to my need-to-know information.
“I’m at my cabin.” Henri sighs. “I need to be alone, Deacon.”
How do I tell her my ghosts ratted her out about looking into her options? I don’t blame her. If that’s what she wants to do, I’ll support her through it. I sit on the stairs and confess. “Part of living with the ability to see ghosts is that they’re the worst fucking snoops in the entire world. They will literally get all up in your business because they fucking can. Like, why does a bear shit in the woods? Because it can. That level of invasion of privacy.”
Get it together, my wolf snarls .
“What’s your point, Dea?” Henri’s cabin door creeks closed with a thud.
Is it better if I don’t flat - out tell her I know what she was considering? There doesn’t seem to be a good answer. “I won’t talk you out of any option you want to explore. But please don’t ice me out of supporting you.”
Her silence speaks volumes. My phone makes a very distinctive beep when it disconnects, so I know she’s still on the other end of the line.
“All those conflicted feelings you’re having, I’m having too.” I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to fix this.
“Come to the cabin.” This time the phone makes the beep noise as Henri disconnects the call.