77. Henri
Chapter 77
Henri
Deacon ran to my cabin. The amount of time to get here and the way he pants when he makes it to the door are great indicators.
I open the door, and Deacon stops himself from touching me. He forces himself to take a step back and away from me.
“Come in.” I step aside, letting him into the little cabin.
He steps through the doorway, and his eyes take in the place. I haven’t really been calling it home. I haven’t even come here since we arrived back from South Dakota. My stuff is still in boxes from the movers, and I haven’t even bothered to check that everything is there because there’s nothing of real importance.
“We’re having a baby,” I say firmly.
It draws his eyes off the moving boxes to me. He nods but says nothing.
“Yes. I looked it up, and then I looked at a calendar.”
Deacon cocks his head to the side, trying to see what I’m saying from a new perspective. “Henri, you gotta break it down for me because I can’t see the connection between those two things.”
“You’ve been sober fourteen days,” I inform him.
Deacon stands up straight and gives a full-body sigh. “Fucking velociraptors.”
“What?” I rub my temple, trying to understand him.
“Everyone is so obsessed with my sobriety. Yeah, I’m trying. But—” His frustration hangs in the silence between us, echoing in the small cabin until he runs his hand back through his hair, pulling at the roots. “Henri, I’ve done nothing but think about how badly I’ve fucked things up my entire life.”
“Tell me what you really mean, Deacon.” I cross my arms in front of my chest.
“Just stay with me, try to keep up, no matter what fucked up shit I’m about to say, and then when I get to the end, you can scold me.” Deacon waits for me to agree.
“Okay.”
“I understand why I’m not a prime candidate for the father of your child. I’m not disillusioned by the imperfections of my existence.” Deacon draws a ragged breath, leaning against the cabin’s door.
My body aches to go to him and tell him that’s not it. I agreed to be quiet. Don’t interrupt.
“I have thought of killing myself no less than a hundred times since we’ve been back. And I know because I finally started keeping a tally on my phone. I have a tally mark per ancestor I’ve seen minimum. Double for Zachariah and the way he looks at you. But today when Finn sat me down and talked to me about a problem with Lena, I reassured him that I would talk to her about her heat. I guaranteed him that I would renew a promise.” Deacon’s eyes are glassy, and he swallows. “I would change the ending of my life story, and short of an act of God, when she gets back from her next heat, I’d still be here for her. ”
Hair has fallen into his eyes, and my fingers twitch.
Stay. My wolf reminds me that I can’t go to him, not just yet.
“I promised him that despite the stupid fucking tally marks in my phone, I’d always be here. In a single conversation, over the course of ten minutes, I had the realization that no matter how much my brain says ‘die,’ there are some things I can’t not see.” A tear escapes his beautiful brown eyes, and he brushes it away quickly.
What do you say to that? I feel like I should say something, but nothing seems like it would be good or right. I promised to stay quiet, but he needs me. My heart aches in my chest.
My wolf whines but stays seated inside me, trying to anchor me for that promise.
But he keeps talking. “I can’t not see Cade and Thalia’s baby. I can’t not see Cade freak out about how he’s not sure if he’ll be a good dad. The poor idiot doesn’t realize how good of a job he does all the time with everything, and it’s funny as fuck. But, more than that, I can’t—” Deacon draws another deep breath and shallowly exhales.
I give him a soft smile, and it seems to be all he needs to continue.
“I can’t leave knowing that Lena is going to have this minute like we just did. Where she’s going to realize she’s pregnant. Everything she’s been too afraid to wish for will come true, and how could I miss that?” He makes soft taps of his head against the door repeatedly. “I fucking can’t.” He shrugs. “Because regardless of the suicidal ideation, I’d choose you. I would keep choosing you. All of you.”
He wants us. My wolf thinks of the three of us as a little family together.
“In Romania, I asked Revecca if she would take my wolf.” Deacon slides down the door until he’s sitting on the floor, looking up at me.
“Deacon,” I gasp, not trying to cut him off. I put my hands over my mouth. He’s blurry, and I blink away my tears. And I feel weird standing above him, so despite the living room furnishings, I sit near him in the entry.
“I asked her, and she said only after I let him come into his power.” Deacon sighs before continuing. “Ha. I thought I’d be able to give him up if it meant saving you. Part of me is still a selfish asshole, Hen. I can’t give him up.”
Deacon pulls his phone out of his pocket and shakes it as if to strangle it. “So, I’m going to see how many tallies the note app can handle before it crashes and refuses to open because I can’t guarantee that the thoughts won’t be there. But my ability to willfully act on those thoughts is gone.” He tucks his phone away and hangs his head.
Sadness but not pity weighs heavy on my shoulders. My mate.
“I’m struggling with these choices and these decisions, especially because the wolf doesn’t seem to be doing anything differently. I’m not feeling any different, but after spending time with you, I can sometimes get the ancestors to go away. Maybe like Lena, I had to have you to get further control.”
Deacon is silent, and I think maybe it’s my turn to talk. But the tension in the air has me second-guessing. I don’t know how to help him.
“I don’t know how long it’s going to take or if it will get better, but I’m doing the best I can. Humans have meetings. They go and talk to others like themselves, where they all share about how they got started on drugs and how they’re working this system to get sober. They have therapy and can talk about their issues. And you’ll laugh... but I’ve been to meetings and seen doctors in the past, no that’s not true, you won’t laugh.” Deacon realizes he’s lost track and stops himself. He tucks his legs up underneath himself. “You’d never laugh. You take me more seriously than anyone else ever has. But the meetings and their conviction only made me realize the self-control I had. I stopped microdosing in the past. I tried to get to the point where I could handle my gift. I wished, I tried to put faith in some higher entity that it’ll be okay or they’re helping me, forgiving me or whatever. But I guess... I’m on my own for this.”
He sighs, pressing his palms against his eyes for a moment before pulling them down and looking at me. “I’m not promising I’ll be perfect. I’m never going to promise that I’ll be able to pull myself up out of the frustration that comes with my gift and how hard it is to just exist sometimes. I’m only promising that every day I’m going to wake up, try, and if I die, it won’t be at my own hand, intentionally or otherwise.”
Our mate is hurt. My wolf nudges me now, thinking it’s time to go to him.
But I know Deacon isn’t done. Even though I want to comfort him, I won’t until he’s ready for me to. He needs to hear, though, that I’m choosing him and this life with him. Only when he’s ready.
“I will not tell you what you can and cannot do with your body.” Deacon nods. “But I can tell you that I will be here for anything, everything, day or night, for the rest of your life. If you pick me or you don’t, and even if my wolf and I never get it together, I’m not leaving you or abandoning you. Your problems are my problems, and after being a big problem for a very long time, I’ve become really good at fixing them.”
“Deacon.” I interrupt him because, at this point, I can’t stop myself from climbing into his lap. He keeps saying all these heartbreakingly beautiful words and I need to be close.
He nods, understanding it’s my turn to talk .
“Yes, I searched wolf shifter pregnancy termination.” I straddle his lap. It’s awkward this close to the door, but I make it work looking him eye to eye. “Panic and fear set in, but before I even got into that doom spiral of searching, I looked at the calendar instead. I realized how long you’d been fighting. Regardless of if you thought you could do it or not... you were. You have been all this time. We are going to have setbacks, and there are going to be times when we both struggle. I’m going to have my own stuff and insecurities to work through. But I don’t want to do this”—I put my hand on my stomach—“without you.”
Tears well in his eyes, and he tries to blink them away, but it does no good. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand.
He wraps me up in his arms, and then, at the most vulnerable I’ve ever seen him, Deacon buries his head into my shoulder and sobs. His body shudders against mine with each heaving breath.
Nearly crushing me against his chest, he runs his fingers through my hair, curling them at the base of my neck as he kisses the top of my head again and again.
My goofy and emotionally aloof man breaking down gets me.
Tears pour from my eyes, and at this point, I’m sure they’re soaking his shirt.
Deacon’s sobs subside, and his breathing evens out. He wraps his arms around me tighter, as if that were possible.
“I respect if you want your space, but it would make me obscenely happy if you’d come back to the main house,” he whispers. “I just—”
“Let’s go home, then.” I’m firm pushing up off Deacon’s lap.
He stands and scoops me up in his arms, and I yelp. “Deacon! ”
“What?” He laughs. His face is red, and tear tracks still glisten on his cheeks.
“Put me down.” I roll my eyes before wiping the moisture off his cheeks.
Deacon shakes his head. “Nope. No. No way.”
“Oh my God. You cannot carry me my entire pregnancy.” I sigh and give him the scolding face.
“That’s not it.” He kisses my nose, already walking the few steps to the door. “I’m afraid to lose you. I’ll even paint my sitting room by hand a bright, cheery color if it’ll make you happy.” He crouches to get the knob open. “You know, Cade and Finn make this look so easy.”
I help open the door and let him carry me out onto the porch and then help him close the door behind us. He nuzzles against me on the walk up the hill to the house.
A wolf whistle comes from the main part of the house as I help Deacon with the front door.
“He did it!” Lena shouts.
“Knew he could,” Finn answers at a more normal volume.
Deacon carries me past them and then down the hall toward the office and stairs. He stops at the elevator. “Stairs are faster, but I have zero faith in my ability to do this gracefully.” His honesty is adorable. “Can’t risk denting you.”
With my help, we get the elevator moving up to the third floor. Then it’s through the doors to his study and then into the bedroom. Deacon sets me down on the bed before pulling off my shoes for me. He kicks his own off and climbs into bed beside me. I’m the perfect little spoon again, held tightly in his arms.
“Is there anything I can do to make this easier?” Deacon whispers.
I know the answer to that question immediately. “Promise to keep trying no matter what. ”
“Done.” Deacon’s voice is firm with conviction. “What else?”
“That’s it.” I settle in against him more.
He shakes his head against the back of mine but doesn’t try to push me for more.
Deacon draws slow, deep breaths behind me. “I’m going to need to run later. Do you want to come with?”
“Oh. Can I?” I tilt my head. “Am I allowed to shift when I’m pregnant?”
“Yeah, Hen. You can.” Per usual, Deacon doesn’t even falter at my question.
I know it’s something I should know being a wolf but don’t.
Deacon presses our bodies closer together, and I don’t think we could get any closer without him being inside me. “There’s no such thing as a stupid question. We all have our deficiencies somewhere in life. And as far as ‘things to not know’ goes... I’m pretty sure we’re allowed to not know about pregnancy.”
“Should we tell Ms. Gertie before the rest of the family finds her?” I yawn before turning myself onto my back to see him.
“Absolutely. I think she’d be extremely disappointed. Not a lot of things feel worse than disappointing the most motherly figure I’ve ever had in my life.” Deacon raises up onto his elbow to kiss me.
“Are we napping?” I yawn, rolling farther to nuzzle against his chest.
“Heck yes.” He kisses my neck down my shoulder. “You’ve had a big day. We’ll get some rest and then some snacks and get to work making plans to renovate this space.”
“Too much work for today.” I snuggle and roll back to my other side, letting him be the big spoon again. “We’ve got a long time before we need to do that. I’m comfortable here as is. ”
“Keep wiggling that ass against me, Henri, and you won’t be so comfortable,” he warns.
Nap or sex, nap or sex. The decision weighs back and forth, but before I can make one, Deacon’s heart rate drops. His body goes slack, and I know he’s lost to sleep.
Heavy emotions will do that to a person, and I’m pretty sure Deacon’s felt them all today.
“I love you.” I say the words quietly, and they feel satisfying and different from the first time I said them. “I’ve judged you too, and I already figured out that I love you.”