Chapter 9 #3
“You actin’ like I got some bitch pregnant while we was doin’ us.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You ain’t gotta say it! Look at how you actin’!”
“How am I supposed to act, Smoke?!”
“I don’t fuckin’ know, but stop makin’ me the bad guy ‘cause I had a life when yo’ ass wasn’t here!”
I stared at him through my tears. “You know what? It doesn’t even matter.”
Smoke frowned. “What don’t matter?”
“Any of this shit!” I walked toward the chair where I had left my clothes. “I’m leaving anyway.” The room went dead quiet, and I knew I had fucked up before I even turned around.
“Fuck you mean you leavin’?”
I grabbed my leggings. “I got a promotion.”
His expression changed completely. “What? When?”
“I found out last Sunday.”
Smoke stared at me for another second. “Last Sunday? So that’s why yo’ ass been actin’ funny?”
“I wasn’t acting funny.”
“Man, fuck you mean you wasn’t actin’ funny?” His voice rose again. “I been watchin’ you hide that fuckin’ phone every time some work shit come through!”
“I wasn’t hiding my phone!”
“You damn sure wasn’t tellin’ me shit!”
“I was trying to figure out what I wanted!” I snatched my bra off the chair and shoved my arms through the straps before reaching behind me to fasten it. My hands were still shaking, which only pissed me off more.
“And you figured it out?”
I grabbed my sweatshirt and yanked it over my head. “Yes, I’m fucking leaving!”
Smoke laughed once, but there wasn’t a damn thing funny in his face. He watched me pull on my leggings before he shook his head. “This shit crazy. You knew enough to sit on a whole fuckin’ promotion while you been sleepin’ in my bed every night.”
I jerked my leggings over my hips and turned toward him. “And you knew enough to sit across from me at dinner tonight, knowing you might have a muthafucking baby on the way!”
“I found out today!”
“Yeah, and then we just fucked!” I grabbed one of my socks from the floor and started pulling it on. “How convenient!”
Smoke’s eyes flashed with anger. “‘Cause I was tryna figure out how the fuck to tell yo’ ass!”
“So was I!” I found my other sock beside the bed and shoved my foot into it before standing again. My chest was rising and falling so hard that I could barely catch my breath, but I wasn’t about to stop getting dressed.
Smoke shook his head as I grabbed my Uggs. “Nah. That ain’t the same shit.”
“How the fuck is it not?” I sat on the edge of the bed long enough to pull on one boot and then the other.
“I ain’t got no fuckin’ decision to make. Either that baby mine or it ain’t, and I can’t control that shit.”
I stood and snatched my bag off the chair. “And you think this promotion is some easy decision for me?”
“It’s always easy for yo’ ass to leave a nigga!” I stared at him, and whatever I had been about to say disappeared. I grabbed my bag and headed for the bedroom door. “Where the fuck you goin’, Solace?!” Smoke yelled behind me.
“To my mother’s.”
“Nah, fuck that.” I heard him coming after me as I walked into the hallway. “We in the middle of talkin’!”
“I don’t wanna talk to you anymore!”
“So you just gon’ walk the fuck out?”
“Yes!” I spun around long enough to look at him. “Leave me alone, Sherrod!”
A door opened behind me. “What are y’all yellin’ for?” I turned and saw Keyana standing in her bedroom doorway, rubbing her eyes. She looked from me to Smoke, and the confusion on her face quickly turned to concern.
“Keyana, go back in yo’ room,” Smoke told her.
“No.” She stepped into the hallway. “Why is Solace cryin’?” I hadn’t even realized how hard I was crying until she said it. I wiped at my face and turned toward the stairs because the last thing I wanted was Keyana standing there watching us tear into each other. “Solace, wait.”
“I’m going home, Key.”
Smoke followed me toward the stairs. “Lace, stop walkin’ away from me.”
“I told you to leave me alone!”
“Then stop tryna run every time shit gets hard!”
“Can y’all please stop?” Keyana yelled behind us.
By the time I made it to the front door, Smoke was right behind me. The cold air hit my face, but I barely felt it. I pulled my phone from my bag and opened the Uber app while walking toward the driveway.
“Lace, stop.”
I spun around. “What?”
Smoke came down the porch steps in just his basketball shorts and Nike slides, and he looked every bit as angry as I felt. “You not ‘bout to walk the fuck away from me in the middle of this shit.”
“I’m trying to leave before we say shit we know there’s no coming back from!”
“I asked yo’ ass what you was doin’ after the festival and you told me you didn’t know. Whole time you fuckin’ me, tellin’ me you love me knowin’ I wanted to keep you forever!”
“I really didn’t know what I was going to do, Smoke. I just made the decision today but…”
“But fuckin’ what, Lacey? Huh? What was yo’ game plan?”
“The position requires travel, but I can work remotely when I don’t need to be in the office. I only have to be in the city about two days a week unless something major is happening.”
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and struggled to keep my voice steady.
“The company is giving me an apartment there, so I wouldn’t even have to commute back and forth every day.
” Smoke stared at me, and I watched the anger in his face start to shift as he finally understood what I was telling him.
“I was going to stay in Bellhaven, Sherrod. I was going to take the promotion and stay here. That is what I came over here to fucking tell you.”
Smoke took two steps back from me and dragged both hands over his head.
“I didn’t accept it right away because I wanted to talk to you first. Not because I needed your permission, but because I was trying not to do the same shit I did eight years ago. I was trying to make a decision about my life without making one about yours too.”
“Lace.”
“No! You wanted to know what my fucking plan was, right?” I shrugged.
“That was my plan. I came over here happy as hell because I finally figured out that I didn’t have to choose.
I could have my career, come home to you, be here with my mama, Keyana and Anthony, and still have everything I worked for. ”
Smoke dragged both hands over his face. “Fuck.”
I looked right back at him, and neither of us had anything else to argue about. “I don’t know what this means anymore,” I sniffled. Smoke closed the distance between us and pulled me against him before I could move away. I pushed against his chest, but he held on tighter. “Stop, Sherrod.”
“Nah, fuck that.” He looked down at me while I cried, keeping both arms around me.
“I fuckin’ love you, Solace. I wanna be yo’ man again.
I wanna marry you. I want longevity. I want the kids.
I want all that shit wit’ you. I meant what the fuck I said when I told you I wanted to keep yo’ ass forever. ”
I stopped fighting his hold, but the tears kept coming.
“If that baby’s mine, I’m gon’ take care of my child. You already know that,” he continued. “But a baby ain’t changin’ shit between me and you.”
I shook my head. “It already has.”
Smoke’s arms loosened around me. “Lace.” Headlights turned into the driveway behind me, and I looked over my shoulder as my Uber pulled up. I wiped my face and stepped out of Smoke’s arms. “Solace, wait.”
“I need to go.”
“Lacey, don’t do this shit.” Smoke followed me as I walked toward the car. “Come back in the… Solace!”
I kept walking, then opened the back door and got inside without looking at him again. The driver pulled away while Smoke was still standing in the driveway, and all I could think about was how I had gone to his house ready to figure out our future and left, not knowing if we still had one.