Chapter 20
(2. weeks later)
“When are you taking off?” Mom stepped into my old bedroom, placing a stack of clean laundry on my bed.
“Early tomorrow.” I picked up the items, stuffing them into my bag and walking to the dresser to get more things.
Instead of leaving, my mom plopped down on the mattress, stroking the white furball curled on my bed. I continued to move around, but I could feel her speech coming, the air crammed with unsolicited motherly advice.
“Just say it.” I sighed, tucking my socks and underwear in my backpack.
“Say what?” She continued to pet Goat.
“Whatever mother’s wisdom you are dying to say.” I motioned to her. “I know you, Mom. All the looks and sighs have been building up since the wedding. Get it out.”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
I snorted.
“I was just going to mention that Kasey is stopping by.”
I smirked, my head shaking with annoyance.
“You two haven’t spoken since the wedding.”
“What she said to me that night was enough.” After I kicked Smith out and we no longer had to play perfect bridesmaids, Kasey and I had a huge fight.
In short, I was a backstabbing bitch, who was always jealous of what she had, so I took Smith to hurt her.
“You know Kasey didn’t really mean it.” Mom absently played with Goat’s ears, pain kneading her eyebrows. “She loves you, Kinsley. She was hurt and lashing out.”
“Why am I not surprised you are defending her?”
“I’m not,” she claimed, lifting Goat’s head up, his ears twitching. “Believe me, I have had choice words with her too. She had no right to put a claim on Smith… but it doesn’t change how she feels.”
“What about how I feel?”
“How do you feel?” Mom asked. “You never talked about what happened that night. Even when you were a kid, you kept everything inside. Not for one moment did I ever have to guess what Kyle and Kasey were thinking, good or bad. With you? It was like prying open a vault, and still, you let very little out. I always felt you kept me at arm’s length.”
“Mom.” My shoulders slumped, mother guilt hammering into my heart.
“I know you are different from them. I don’t want you to be the same, but sometimes it’s okay to let people in. And instead of being so concerned about your sister’s feelings, be honest. Stand up to her. Your feelings are just as important as hers. And if you love him, don’t let her or anyone stand in the way.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I gulped down the lie, shoving more items in my bag.
“Kinsley…” She exhaled. “First, don’t lie to your mother and second, I may be old, but I have eyes. Hell, even your father picked up on it.”
“What?”
“Sweetheart, the chemistry between you and Smith was palpable. And by what I saw, he feels the same about you.”
“No.” I shook my head. “You’re wrong. Anyway, he’s taken.”
“Yeah, Kasey said something about the other woman being his wife.” She clicked her tongue. “I would never in a million years want you going after a married man, but I saw nothing between them except resentment and strain. He didn’t once look at her, touch her, or smile at her like he did when he was near you.”
“Mom.” There was more she didn’t know.
“I’m just saying.” She held up her hands. “Maybe you should hear him out. Let him explain. Again, I don’t know the full story or what is going on between him and that woman. I know what I saw.” She scratched Goat’s head before rising off the bed. “And what I saw was a man in love, and not with the woman he came with.”
Emotion burned my esophagus; pain I tried to keep boxed up sprang open, my teeth crunching together. It didn’t matter anymore.
“Please talk to your sister before you leave. At the end of the day, you love each other. Don’t let your relationship be ruined by a guy.” She kissed my temple, muttering under breath, “You’d think I would have been done with these conversations in high school.”
Mothers had a talent for gutting and guilting you in the same breath.
“Mom?” She paused at the door, looking back at me. “Thank you.”
She smiled warmly. “I love you, Kinsley. And if I haven’t told you recently, I’m proud of you. Whatever you want to do or want to be, both your father and I support you.”
The past two weeks I’d spent with my family, I did a lot of soul-searching. Smith was right about one thing: Life didn’t have clear paths or some magical aha moment that gave you the answers. All I knew was I didn’t want to work in finance. It would kill my soul.
I had been doodling a lot more, fun logos and tag lines for my sister’s shop. Though the one burning in the back of my brain cut a hole in my heart. It was meant for him.
No, Kinsley. He’s a liar and a convict.
My brain still couldn’t wrap around what Becca shared with me; the broken pieces of my heart and trust felt like glass shards in my chest.
“Mom?” The heartbreaking evidence of what Becca confessed to me that day sat on my tongue, the revelations thumping painfully behind my ribs, needing out.
She popped back into the doorway, staring at me with love and naivety.
“Nothing.” I shook my head, forcing a smile on my face. “Never mind.” I couldn’t do it; I just couldn’t.
She blew me a kiss before exiting my room.
I was done with lying men. I was moving on.
“Just you and me, lil’ dude.” I reached over, rubbing Goat’s head. Tomorrow we were back on the road, heading for San Francisco. I had told Sadie everything, and she begged me to head to the city by the bay. She was in love with it and thought it would be a great place for me to start fresh.
“You have to come. This city is amazing. And full of hotties.”
“I’m sure Nathan loves that.”
“I’m in a relationship, not dead.” She laughed. “Come, Kins. You can stay on our sofa for a few days. Yes, I actually fit in a sofa. See if you like it. And it has a ton of opportunities in marketing,” she taunted.
“Yeah, okay.” I nodded my head. “But no sex while I’m there. I heard you enough through our apartment wall.”
“Hey, Nathan’s always thought you were cute.” She tried her sexy voice.
“Stop.” I laughed, cringing at the thought. “Nathan is like my brother.”
“Seriously, how are you doing though?”
My emotions came at me like a slap, sinking me onto my bed.
“That bad, huh?”
Tears burned my eyes as I peered up at the ceiling.
“Did you tell your mom or Kasey?”
“Tell my mom the guy she thinks as another son not only screwed her youngest daughter while still married, but just got out of jail for embezzling money from his best friend, and turned his back on his father, who is now dead? He’s a liar and con artist.” My throat clotted; my chest ached.
“And what about the other part?” she asked softly.
“You mean the fact he’s going to be a father?” I croaked, saying it out loud felt like I took a chainsaw to my soul. A tear slid down my face, recalling the sonogram Becca showed me. About six to eight weeks along.
It was why she had tracked him down, so she could tell him he was going to be a father. They were going to be a family.
If the newspaper clippings weren’t enough to dissuade me, Becca having his child was.
“I don’t want to talk about him anymore. He’s with Becca now. Having a baby. He’s in the past. A mistake.”
“Okay, okay,” Sadie responded, flipping the topic and vibe like a switch. “See you in a few days then?”
“Yeah, gonna drive pretty much straight through this time.”
“Yay. I’m so excited. I’ve missed you so much. And that mutt. I’ve really missed him too.”
“I’ve missed you too. And Goat will be so happy to be with his other mommy again.”
“You don’t know how well our family fits in with SF.” She snorted.
The sound of a car door slamming yanked me from my thoughts back to the present, moving me to my window, seeing Kasey get out of her SUV. Mom was right, I needed to talk to her before I left. I hated we were fighting over something neither of us had.
“Put it in your old room.” I heard my mom’s voice downstairs, the sound of footsteps clicking up the wood steps and down the hallway.
Kasey’s head turned as she passed my door, her lips pinching together, going into the room next door.
“Kasey?” I trailed after her. Her room still in homage to the teenage Kasey who loved purple, as if Mom hoped we’d all magically go back in time. Filled with cheerleading banners and pompoms, trophies, and ribbons from every sport or club she was part of, and pictures of her and her friends covered every surface.
She set down the box filled with items for mom. The rooms were the same, but all our closets were now crammed with Mom’s crap.
“Hey.” I shuffled awkwardly at the door.
She continued messing with the box like I wasn’t there.
“Kasey, come on. At least look at me.”
Puffing out her nose, her head snapped over her shoulder. “Rather not look at the person who backstabbed me, thanks.”
“Fuck sake, Kasey.” I stomped into her room. “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you from the moment things changed between Smith and me, but you didn’t make it easy.”
“How about…? ‘Hey, Kasey, I’m fucking the guy you really like’?” She spun to face me, anger lashing her tone. “My bad.”
“Don’t turn this around on me. I take full responsibility for not standing up to you and telling you right away, but he wasn’t yours. You didn’t even know him… and believe me… I didn’t either.” I left out telling her everything, keeping what Becca told me to myself. “It’s not fair to be so angry at me over this. I’m sorry I hurt you. But you can’t hate me, Kasey. You and Smith weren’t together. Not even remotely.”
Her lashes beat against her cheekbones, her arms folding.
“I won’t lose my sister over this,” I said softly.
“It hurts.”
“I know.” Fuck, did I know.
“You hurt me, Kins. You’re my sister. The person who should have my back.”
“And you should have mine,” I countered. “Not just when it’s in your favor.”
Her forehead wrinkled, but she didn’t say anything.
“I’ve always had this strange sense of duty, the need to make you happy. To protect you.”
“You’re my little sister.”
I was, but I seemed to be the one always catering to her.
There were some truths even I couldn’t say out loud. Kasey was too spoiled and pampered to ever see the harshness of the world. Even as a kid, I felt older than her. Kept her bubble world intact. Used to getting her way, Smith was the first time Kasey’s determination failed. Didn’t get what she set her mind to. And she didn’t know how to handle it.
“Kas, you didn’t know him. Not anymore. Believe me, the guy you envisioned was an illusion.”
Pain struck her features again. “I know.”
“Can I ask why? What’s made you hold on to him after so long?”
With a loud exhale, she sat on her bed, not looking at me. I moved in next to her, my arms bumping hers. It took me a moment to realize she was crying. She quickly wiped away the evidence.
“I’m supposed to have it all together. I have a beautiful house, a great career, friends…”
“Yeah? All that sounds great.”
“But I feel I’m living this lie. On the outside my life looks perfect. But there is nothing inside. No one waiting for me.” She swiped at her cheeks again. “Most of my friends are married, having kids, or at least have a serious boyfriend… and here I was—the prom queen—and I’m completely, utterly alone.”
“What about Peter?”
“I lied.” She sniffed, her voice small. “He ended it with me to be with that woman. I was too embarrassed, so I told everyone I was the one who dumped him. I feel stupid, but I was afraid of being alone.”
“Kasey, it’s fine to be alone. The only person judging you is you.”
“Please.” She rolled her eyes. “Everyone here is judging me. I get comments all the time, Why are you still single, Kasey? I can’t believe you haven’t met anyone yet. You were so popular, so many boys loved you in school, I can’t believe you’re still single.” Her voice mocked the people’s comments. “And Kyle’s wedding, seeing him and Amie so happy all the time… I felt so alone.”
“You’re not.”
Her shoulders shrugged. “I’m not like you, Kins. You are good on your own. You like it. I mean, I would never have traveled across country by myself. Never.”
“But I ended up not.”
“You were going to, and you are heading back alone. Not a bit of hesitation. You’ve always been like that. So strong and independent.”
But I still kept it safe. Boxed. Smith pushed me, and there was no denying he had changed me.
“Smith was this fantasy in my head I built up over the years. The fact I never really had him made me want him more… and when Kyle mentioned him coming to the wedding… I just…”
“Let your fantasy run wild.”
“I’ve never had a guy turn me down.” She gulped. “Even when we had sex in his car, I knew deep down he didn’t feel anything for me. He tried to stop me, but I was on a mission, believing I could change his mind.” She curled forward, dabbing at her eyes. “And I think I thought the same thing now.”
“Kasey, you are beyond a catch. You’re beautiful, smart, and the most determined person I’ve ever met. You will meet him. Just breathe, enjoy your life now, stop caring what people think or say. Care about what you really feel. And you do not need a man to complete you. You are perfect the way you are. And when you meet this amazing, rich, handsome man who adores you beyond reason, you’ll love him as much as he loves you.”
“Can he have a yacht too?”
“Uh. Sure.”
“And a house on the Amalfi Coast?” She threw in.
“Okay, that is specific, but sure. The point is, he will add to you, not complete you.”
She exhaled a breath, her head falling on my shoulder. “Thank you, Kins.”
“I love you, Kas. And I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” She peered up at me. “You never did tell me what happened between you two.”
“It’s in the past. I’m focusing on my future.”
She lifted her head, nodding.
We went quiet for a moment, my eyes going around her room, landing on pictures of her in high school, the image of her and Smith at prom stabbing my heart.
“Is it weird we slept with the same man?” Kasey stared at the same picture.
I let out a long breath.
“We didn’t sleep.”