Chapter 31
31
What are you smiling at? Sadie cast a baleful glare at the Nutcracker drummer that had been her parting gift from the team at Juniper Meadows as their final nod to the twelve days of Christmas theme. She’d dumped it on her dressing table after getting home the night before and now it seemed to be mocking her with its toothy grin. She got out of bed and threw it face down in one of the drawers before slamming it shut. The temptation to slide back under the covers and sulk was huge, but everyone was expecting her and she’d already wasted the final part of her holiday hiding away to avoid Dylan. Another day in bed would only make her feel worse. If that was even possible. While her head knew she’d done the right thing, her heart was still not on board with her decision to end things the way she had. It might’ve been easier if she’d been able to come home earlier, but the trains hadn’t been running due to essential maintenance works over the Christmas break.
Just a few hours and it would all be over. It was a depressing thought and not one her family deserved of her. Giving herself a mental kick in the bum, Sadie headed for the shower, blew-dry her hair and picked out a nice outfit from her wardrobe. The black velvet trousers were at least ten years old, but they never let her down and, paired with a silvery vest top and matching cardigan, they were dressy enough for the occasion. At least with Jake and Rachel having decided to have a lunch party everyone would get home before it was dark. Sadie hated driving in the dark, especially when it was raining.
She grabbed her silver sandals and the matching bag and tucked both away in the bag-for-life along with the little gifts she’d picked up for everyone at the Christmas market at Juniper Meadows. After tucking the ends of her trousers into the faux-fur-lined boots that would keep her feet warm until she arrived at Jake’s, Sadie gave her reflection one final check in the hallway mirror. She was getting more confident at styling her new haircut, though she didn’t think she’d ever capture the perfect sleekness the stylist had managed. Her face didn’t look quite right, though, and she realised she’d grown used to wearing make-up again over the past week or so. She’d given up after Pete left her and it was only as she’d felt more like her old self again that she’d got back into the habit while at Juniper Meadows. She hadn’t bothered with any today because getting dressed up had been enough of an effort and, besides, it was only her family going to be seeing her.
You didn’t bother because Dylan won’t be there. The realisation stopped her in her tracks. Taking more care with her appearance hadn’t been about him, well, hadn’t only been about him, it had been an act of self-care. An acknowledgement that she deserved to be the best version of herself both inside and out. Was she really going to backslide into her old mousy ways without so much as a fight?
Returning upstairs, Sadie whipped out her buffer brush, dusted on a coat of foundation, added a dash of blush to both cheeks and applied mascara to her lashes. By the time she’d run a rose-pink lipstick around her lips, she was smiling at herself in the mirror. Not the full works, but a happy medium.
To get herself in the mood, Sadie connected her phone to the car speakers and blasted an eighties playlist from Spotify all the way to her mother’s house. Sitting at the traffic lights at a junction, Sadie bopped in her seat and drummed her fingers on the steering wheel in time to ‘Ant Music’. Happening to glance across at the car beside her, she was briefly horrified to find it was packed full of young lads who were all grinning and laughing at her through their windows. The old Sadie would’ve cringed with embarrassment and switched off the radio, but she wasn’t the old Sadie any more. Instead she raised her hand and gave them a cheery wave as the chorus kicked in again and the lyrics she hadn’t heard in years came back to mind and she sang along. As the lights changed, the lads beep-beeped as they pulled away and she grinned at what they must have thought of her as she waited for the feeder light for her lane to change.
The last strains of the song faded as Sadie pulled up in one of the visitor parking spaces outside her mother’s and she sighed in happy remembrance at her teenage crush on Adam Ant. He’d had such lovely dark hair, a bit like Dylan’s. She wondered if Dylan had gone through a New Romantics phase and thought perhaps she’d ask him when he messaged her.
If he messaged her.
She’d not heard from him since his brief reply to her text to say she’d got home okay. Perhaps he was waiting to hear from her, or perhaps he’d decided that there was no point in keeping in touch. She had no one to blame for the situation other than herself. He’d told her he wasn’t interested in being friends, that it would never be enough for him. She could’ve been on her way to the airport right now instead of sitting in the rain. Reaching out, she turned off the radio and let the teenage dreams fade in the silence. The reasons why she’d chosen to stay hadn’t changed. Sadie took a deep breath, flipped up the hood on her coat and opened the door to dash the few metres to the covered porch entrance of the retirement complex. She hadn’t finished pressing the code on the intercom to call her mother’s apartment when the automatic door began to whirr open.
‘You’re late,’ Margaret said by way of greeting.
‘I said between half past and quarter to,’ Sadie countered. ‘Did you have a nice Christmas with Aunty Celia?’
‘I made the best of it, though I’m glad to be away from her constant chattering.’
Had she really given up the chance of spending the winter in Florida for this? ‘I’m parked over there,’ she said, pointing to her car. ‘Do you want to wait here and I’ll move closer?’
‘You can’t move any closer, you’ll be blocking the emergency vehicle bay. It’s only a bit of rain, it’s not like I’m going to melt.’
‘Unfortunately,’ Sadie muttered under her breath as she tried to adjust her hood before they turned back out into the rain.
‘What was that?’ her mother snapped, those radar ears of hers not missing a thing.
Old Sadie would’ve cringed and apologised, but new Sadie was having none of it. She thought about the way the Travers family had been around each other, so full of warmth and love, the only words shared ones of encouragement, and most of all the constant laughter. How different things could’ve been if Margaret had been able to give even one inch of the love she’d spent the past two weeks surrounded by. ‘I said it’s a shame that the rain won’t melt you away, Mother. Now, shall we go?’
Without waiting for a reply, Sadie marched back to the car and held open the passenger door as she waited for Margaret to catch her up. ‘I don’t know what’s got into you, Sadie,’ her mother said once they were both seated and were fastening their belts. ‘But there’s no need for such rudeness. Are you having some sort of breakdown because Pete left you?’
It was tempting to say she was just following Margaret’s own example, but now wasn’t the right time to pick a fight. ‘I’m just starting to see things in a new light, that’s all. Right, let’s get going, because Jake’s expecting us.’ Sadie placed her hand on the key, then hesitated. ‘Look, Mum, can you try and make a bit of an effort today, for everyone’s sake?’
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. I always make an effort.’
Sadie gritted her teeth and started the engine. Not wanting to drive in silence, she turned the radio back on, but selected Classic FM because if Margaret heard her eighties playlist she really would be convinced Sadie was having a breakdown. The ‘Sussex Carol’ filled the air and she was immediately transported back to when the carol-singers had entertained them all outside the hall. Safely cocooned in those happy memories, Sadie drove them in silence the ten minutes it took to reach Jake’s house. She slowed down as they approached, eyes flicking left and right as she looked for a parking space on the busy road. When she pulled level, she recognised the two cars parked closest. Jake and Rachel must’ve moved their own cars earlier. As she reached their small drive, she saw Liam had parked his and Katie’s mini SUV as far over to the right as possible, leaving enough room to tuck her car beside it.
‘Here we are, then.’ Sadie turned off the engine, took off her belt and climbed out. She opened the back passenger door to retrieve the bag full of gifts, stopping to frown at her mother, who had made no move to get out. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘What on earth have you done to your hair?’
Oh, that. The rain had stopped so she’d pushed down her hood and she supposed it was the first Margaret had seen of it. Trying to ignore the criticism implied by the question, Sadie turned her head left and right to show off her new cut. ‘I had it done while I was away. It was in desperate need of sorting out and I decided to brighten things up with a few highlights while I was at it.’
‘It’s far too short,’ her mother snapped. ‘I’ve told you before that with an unfortunate chin like yours, you need to keep it longer.’
The last shred of Sadie’s temper frayed. Timing be damned, she was not going to take a second more of Margaret’s spiteful tongue. ‘Well, I like it, Mother, and quite frankly I couldn’t give a flying baboon’s red arse what you think.’
‘There’s no need to be rude! I’m just trying to help you.’ Her mother had the temerity to actually sound hurt!
Shutting the back door, Sadie climbed back into the driver’s seat and turned to face her mother. ‘How on earth can you think insulting the way I look is in any way beneficial to me? Seriously, Mother, tell me how, because I’ve put up with you bullying me and picking at me for more than fifty years and I have had enough.’
‘Bullying you? All I wanted was the best for you, for you to want the best for yourself. I had to settle for the life I ended up with and I never wanted the same for you. I wanted you to have a bit of pride in yourself, a bit of ambition, rather than settling for less.’ Her mother’s voice hitched on those last words.
‘Is that how you feel about your life, Mum? That you settled for less? Is that what’s made you so bitter all these years?’
‘You don’t know what it was like!’ Her mother almost snarled the words. ‘To have more intelligence than anyone around you and be denied the chance to make the most of it. Your uncle wasn’t half as smart as me. Do you know how he passed his eleven plus and got into the grammar school? Because I coached him, that’s how! But did I get a chance to go? No! Because my father didn’t want me getting ideas above my station. What was the point in wasting a good education on me and Celia when we would have to give it all up when we got married anyway? Not that Celia cared, she was too busy thinking about boys.’ Margaret’s snort of disdain said what she thought of that. ‘So while we went out to work, your uncle got to go on to higher education.’
Why had her mother never told Sadie about this before? ‘I’m sorry that happened to you, but that doesn’t explain why you gave me such a hard time when I was growing up.’
‘I wanted you to be more like me, but you were a carbon copy of your father. I thought he had potential too when I met him. Oh, he had a good brain on him but no ambition. His only aim in life was to be comfortable and make things as easy as possible.’
‘So you thought that being horrible to me would make me fight harder for things?’ Sadie couldn’t get her head around the twisted logic.
‘I was being cruel to be kind, Sadie. There’s a reason that saying exists, you know. You were too soft, too easily hurt, and the odds are already stacked against us women. I wanted you to toughen up a bit, to understand that life isn’t sweetness and roses, that you have to push for what you want.’
‘But don’t you see that what you did had the opposite effect? You crushed what bit of spirit I had in me. You didn’t teach me how to fight for anything, you taught me that nothing I did was good enough, so in the end I gave up trying.’ Sadie pressed her fingers into the corners of her eyes, forcing back the tears that were threatening to spill.
‘That’s your answer to everything, isn’t it? Cry and make the world feel sorry for you.’
The laugh that escaped Sadie surprised them both. ‘What a waste. I’m sorry that your life didn’t work out the way you hoped when you were younger, Mother, but the fact you’re nearly eighty-five years old and still eaten up with bitterness is nobody else’s fault but yours. You made my life hell when I was growing up, but you know what I did? I moved on the best I could and I vowed to never make the same mistakes with my children. I gave them every ounce of love I had inside me and I made sure they knew every day how special they were.’
‘You don’t understand what it was like. The pressure, the expectation to get married and have a family.’
‘As I said, I am sorry that you felt like you had some of your choices taken away from you, but that’s still no excuse to punish everyone around you, especially your child .’
‘I was jealous of you, don’t you understand?’
‘Jealous? But just now you were saying you thought I’d wasted my life.’
‘I hated being pregnant. It was like having an alien or a parasite growing inside me. My body didn’t belong to me any more, and, God, I was so sick. Morning sickness they called it, but it was morning, noon and all bloody night. And it never stopped. I didn’t blossom and bloom the way you did when you carried your two, I withered.’ Her mother sounded as though she was crying, but Sadie couldn’t move to comfort her, she was too stunned by what she was hearing. To know her mother had carried all this inside her all these years and never breathed a word of it – was it any wonder it had choked her up and poisoned everything?
‘Everyone told me it would get better once you were born, but somehow it was worse. Physically I recovered, but I didn’t know what to do with you. I couldn’t even feed you because my milk never came through properly. Every time I held you, you cried, but as soon as your father picked you up you were good as gold. The world told me the only thing I was destined for was to be a mother and I was useless at it. I wanted to love you, to be easy with you the way your father always was, but I didn’t know how.’
‘Did you even try? I’m not trying to shame you for what sounds like a horrific experience, but, in all the years since, when did you ever try to make things different?’
Her mother stared at her for a long time and Sadie found she was holding her breath in anticipation. Could this be it? Could this be the moment when things finally changed between them? It would be hard to let go of the past, but she’d seen Dylan manage it with his parents. Wouldn’t it be better to make the most of what little time they had left? A shuttered look fell over her mother’s face, her eyes returning to a blank coldness that sent Sadie’s hopes plummeting. ‘I am who I am and there’s no point crying over spilt milk.’
No, no, there wasn’t. But she could stop keeping filling the bottle and expecting a different result. ‘Then you’d better make the most of this evening, Mother, because if you’re not willing to change things, then I’ll have to.’
‘What are you talking about?’
Sadie met her gaze and held it, ignoring the quaking child inside who was still so very afraid of the woman in front of her. ‘Having access to me and my family is a privilege, not a right. You’ve done too much damage and it stops here and it stops now. I’ll give you one last chance to spend time with your grandchildren and great-grandchildren, but this is the last you’ll see of them or of me until you agree to change your ways.’ Sadie got out, rounded to the passenger side, and offered a hand to her mother after opening her door. ‘One wrong word out of you and you’ll be back in this car and back to your flat before you know what’s hit you. Have I made myself clear?’
‘Nan’s very quiet,’ Katie said as she walked into the kitchen carrying her eighteen-month-old daughter, Isla, in her arms. Sadie straightened up from where she’d been loading a few dirty things into the dishwasher and held out her hands to take Isla.
‘How’s Grandma’s gorgeous girl?’ Sadie asked, nuzzling the little girl’s cheek until she giggled. ‘Come on, let’s stand over here out of the way.’ Sadie moved into the corner, Katie following her.
Jake and Rachel had both assured her they had everything in hand, but it wasn’t in her nature to sit around and be waited on so Sadie was doing bits and pieces where she could while not getting under their feet.
‘Shh,’ Jake said from where he was frying sausages in a pan while Rachel mashed what looked like a mountain of potatoes on the counter next to him. ‘Don’t jinx it!’
Sadie smiled at their shared laughter, but didn’t say anything. She didn’t want to burden their afternoon with what had happened and there would be plenty of time to explain later. She was quite surprised her mother had even agreed to come inside, but she’d taken a seat in one of the armchairs and accepted everything she was offered with a polite word of thanks. Perhaps she’d taken things to heart and Sadie wouldn’t have to follow through with her threat after all. Then again, the day was still young.
‘Speaking of quiet, you’ve not said much, Mum. Is everything okay?’ Katie asked.
‘I’m fine, darling, just a bit tired after my trip, but it’s so lovely to be back with you all,’ Sadie reassured her.
‘We’ve been dying to hear all about it,’ Rachel said, putting a lid on the potatoes and setting them to one side. ‘Did you have a good time?’
‘I had a wonderful time, and I met so many lovely people.’ One even lovelier than she’d ever dreamed it was possible to be. She couldn’t help glancing at the clock. It was nearly twelve. Dylan would be waiting to check in about now.
‘Oh, I’m glad you made some friends,’ Jake said. ‘I was a bit worried we’d packed you off with a bunch of strangers.’
‘It was the best thing for me. I’d got so used to it just being me and your dad that I was rather out of practice meeting new people. It was the push I needed to get out of my rut and I’m determined to be more sociable from now on.’
‘That’s lovely, Mum. I’m so proud of you.’ Katie leaned over to kiss her cheek. ‘And do you think you’ll keep in touch with anyone you met while you were there?’
Sadie couldn’t stop the heat from rising on her cheeks. ‘I don’t know, maybe.’
‘Mum?’ Katie was grinning at her like the Cheshire Cat. ‘Did you meet someone special ?’
‘That’s none of your business.’
‘Oh my God!’ Rachel exclaimed. ‘You did!’ Abandoning the potatoes, she hurried over. ‘Come on, Sadie, don’t hold out on us. Give us all the juicy details.’
There was no way she was giving them any of the juicy details! ‘I met a very nice man called Dylan. His family own the estate, actually, but he lives with his children in Florida so he was only here for a short visit. They’re due to fly back this afternoon, actually.’
‘Oh, that’s a shame he lives so far away. Still, maybe you can visit? A bit of Florida sunshine would do you the world of good.’ The way Katie waggled her eyebrows, it was clear she wasn’t thinking only about the sunshine.
Laughing, Sadie shook her head. ‘He did invite me to go back with them, but I didn’t see the point. Our lives are too different and I have too many responsibilities here. I’d prefer to keep things between us as a lovely chance encounter.’
‘You should’ve gone with him!’ Katie cried, shaking her head. ‘Love doesn’t come around often enough to walk away from it.’
‘Who said anything about love?’ Sadie protested with a laugh as she cuddled Isla close. ‘I’m far too old to believe in fairy-tale happy endings. I’ll leave that to our little princess here. My life is here and his life is there and that’s all there is to it.’
‘You care about him, though,’ Katie insisted. ‘I can tell by the look in your eyes that he meant something to you.’
‘Well, yes, of course he meant something to me, and under different circumstances then perhaps there’d be the potential for it to grow into something more meaningful, but I can’t drop everything and chase a man halfway around the world.’
‘What if you asked him to stay?’ Rachel asked.
Sadie rolled her eyes. ‘I would never have said anything if I’d known it was going to turn into an interrogation.’
Katie hooked an arm around her waist. ‘We don’t mean to give you a hard time, Mum. We just want you to be happy.’
‘I am happy. Being with all of you makes me happy.’
‘But being with Dylan might make you happier. Look, answer me one thing and then I promise to drop it, okay?’
It was on the tip of her tongue to refuse, but it was sweet that they were so concerned about her. ‘One thing.’
‘If you weren’t tied to your life here by us, would you have gone with him?’
‘What’s the point in speculating on hypotheticals? It’s not going to change anything.’
‘You promised me, now answer the question.’
Sadie sighed because she was pretty sure she hadn’t promised anything. ‘Well, yes, of course I would.’
‘Then you have to go!’ Katie burst out. She turned to Rachel. ‘Back me up on this!’
Rachel held up her hands. ‘I’m on your side, but at the end of the day it’s up to your mum to decide what she wants to do. Give her a break, Katie. It can’t have been easy to say goodbye.’
Katie shook her head. ‘Has no one in this family got any romance in their soul? Every problem Mum has raised is logistical.’ She turned back to Sadie. ‘I’m not saying you should pack up and move to the States or anything, but I also don’t think you should close the door on things either. Even if nothing further comes of it, he sounds like a nice person and the two of you could at least stay friends.’
‘He doesn’t want that.’
Katie raised her eyebrows. ‘He said he didn’t want to be friends? Maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick about him after all.’
‘No, you haven’t, you’ve just misunderstood. He said he couldn’t be friends because it would never be enough for him.’
‘Oh, hell, I would’ve definitely got on that plane,’ Rachel said, raising a hand to fan her face.
‘Hey!’ Jake poked her arm in a playful gesture. ‘Remember me?’
Laughing, she curled her arms around his neck and pressed a quick kiss to his lips. ‘How could I forget you? You have to admit it’s pretty romantic, though.’
Jake screwed up his nose. ‘That’s my mother we’re talking about. There are things a man just doesn’t need to think about when it comes to their mother.’ He turned to Sadie. ‘Now, if you weren’t my mother, then my advice would be to call him.’
‘And tell him what? That I’m sorry things didn’t work out because of our circumstances?’
Jake shrugged. ‘That’d be as good a place to start as any.’
Isla started to wriggle in her arms, so Sadie let her down and the little girl grabbed a handful of her trouser leg to keep herself upright. Resting a hand on Isla’s head to steady her, Sadie glanced back up at her son, frustration rising that none of them would just let it go. She’d done the right thing – why couldn’t they see that? ‘And then what? Should I tell him that I wish things could be different, that I wish I were the kind of person who could just seize the day? That I wish I were braver and less scared that I might really fall in love with him and then if things didn’t work out it’d be so much worse than not trying at all and that’s why I walked away?’ Sadie clamped her free hand over her mouth.
Katie’s arm around her waist tightened. ‘Yes, Mum. That’s exactly what you should say.’
Sadie felt her eyes fill with tears. ‘What if it’s too late?’
‘What if it’s not?’