Chapter 31
LEXI
Damn it. All the work I did this summer to stop being such a fuckgirl went right out the window as soon as I saw him.
My pussy throbbed at the sight of him on my stoop and the sound of his deep voice.
I was determined not to let my pussy run the show this time around, though—Brandon and I needed to talk.
Like for real. He needed to know why I ran out and how sorry I was, but all I could think of was him punishing me for leaving. Yes, please!
No! Down, girl.
Seeing those sketches freaked me the fuck out.
That, combined with staying the night and my growing feelings for him, sent me running for the hills.
I wasn’t used to feeling the way I did, and seeing how much I meant to Brandon scared the crap out of me.
Daphne was right. Brandon didn’t deserve my half assed attempt to be barely more than fuck buddies.
He deserved someone who wasn’t broken—someone who was all in.
Or at least someone who could give him more than I could.
So I ran. I ran right into the bed of another man.
I know. I know. You’re probably thinking, but Lexi, how could you?
What about Brando? But let’s face it. Some people eat their feelings—I fuck mine right out of my system.
So, in true Lexi fashion, I went out and did what I always do.
I found some random guy to help numb the pain.
I actually even felt a little bad for that guy.
Before either of us finished, I ended up bursting into tears and getting the fuck out of there.
That was my rock bottom. That was when I knew I needed to make a change.
I needed to deal with my shit and I needed time and space to do that.
My first call was to Daphne. I didn’t tell her specifically about Brandon, but led with the fact that I needed a break from life and, in so many words, needed to deal with my unresolved daddy issues.
Being the supportive bestie that she is, she listened to my blubbering.
She offered perfectly reasonable suggestions—none of which included bailing on my life and taking a travel assignment three thousand miles away.
Was running away the most mature thing I could have done?
Nope. But that’s what I did. I took a three-month leave of absence from work and picked up a travel assignment somewhere the temperature wasn’t below freezing.
There was sun, sand, and not one reminder of Brandon’s beautiful face.
It should have been delightful, but it was so depressing.
I missed Daphne and the other gals from work.
I missed my mom, and I missed Brandon. The three months I was away were spent working and living in a perpetual state of general avoidance.
After my assignment ended, I came home, and that’s when the actual work began.
I went to therapy and worked my shit out like a real-life adult.
Fucking wild. Who was I even? All those nights fucking random dudes, telling myself I was okay being alone, turned out to be a lie I told myself over and over again.
In reality, I was lonely and afraid of rejection.
It’s amazing what endless hours of therapy can teach you.
Anyway, I finally felt ready to get on with my life.
There was just one problem, and his name was Brandon Pierce.
Every time over the last few months that I thought about reaching out, I chickened out.
I felt so nervous to put myself out there, but I also felt ashamed of how I’d left things with him, and I feared he wouldn’t be able to forgive me, or even worse, that he’d moved on with someone else.
Now he was sitting in my living room, looking too damn good, and I couldn’t fucking believe the words that were coming out of my mouth.
“We won’t fuck,” I blurted out, surprising myself.
“And that means I can trust you not to run away again?” he laughed.
“Think about it. My go-to M.O. has been to fuck and run, for lack of a better term. If there’s no fucking—and we actually date each other like adults—then there’s no reason to run, right?”
“I’m not seeing the logic here. You could still run. I think the feelings part is what spooked you.”
“I’ve been doing a lot of work over the last few months. Therapy has been really good for me, and I’m ready. I didn’t reach out because, honestly, I was afraid you hated me.”
“I could never hate you, Lexi, but you have to talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking. You can’t up and leave again.”
“I won’t. I promise.” And I actually meant it.
I wanted to try not only for him but for myself.
I deserved to have someone in my life, and if that person wasn’t Brandon, then this would be good practice for the next time.
Although I really hoped Brandon was the first and last guy I’d have to actually date.
Gah, my therapist would be so proud of me.
“How about this? We start over. Take our time. And like you said, no sex. Let’s get to know each other without the pressure or expectations of sex or labels.”
“I can do that.” I let out a breath. After all these months of anxiety building up to this moment, I was relieved that I was finally having this conversation with him.
“And you’re right; the thought of jumping back in where we left off feels a little stressful.
Two people just getting to know each other is a little less anxiety-provoking.
” I let out a small laugh, the stress I’d been holding on to for months beginning to fade.
“And we agree to complete honesty, no matter what. Whatever you’re feeling, I want to know, and vice versa.” He leveled me with a look that said he meant business.
I reached my hand out between us. “Deal.”
He took my hand in his and gave it a soft squeeze. “Deal.”
I reclined back onto the couch after he released my hand and took a big sip from my wine glass. “So, whatcha been up to?”
His laughter echoed through my apartment. “God, I missed you and your uncanny ability to change gears.”
Hand to my chest, I shot back, “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, sir.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Better cut ‘sir’ out of your vocabulary while we are working on being friends, Lexi.”
“Or what?” I batted my eyelashes. Didn’t we just agree no sex? Yet, there I was, going back to my default settings.
He ignored my bratty comment and avoided my eyes. “Well, since we’re being honest, I upped my therapy appointments and I’ve been working a lot.”
“I didn’t know you went to therapy. Because of your mom? Shit. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” I didn’t want to pry, but if we were friends or trying to be, that’s something I’d ask a friend.
“Yeah, partially. When my mom was sick, I was in a relationship with a woman I honestly thought I’d end up marrying.
But she showed her true colors and up and left when I needed her the most. Losing my mom and her at the same time was a lot, and I didn’t handle it well at all.
” He paused as if he wanted to say more and was deciding whether to continue. “It was bad, Lexi.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Brandon. I had no idea.
” The realization of what I’d done hit me like a ton of bricks.
I wasn’t used to dealing with the aftermath of my actions when it came to men.
I usually got what I needed and moved on with my life.
With the consequences of my actions staring me in the face, I felt a heaviness in my chest that I hadn’t felt before.
“How could you have? It’s not like our conversations ever got that deep or personal. We both had our secrets—our own issues. Now that they’re out on the table, we can move forward.”
I winced, remembering I still had one more secret to share, fearing it would be too much for Brandon to deal with.
We agreed to be honest with each other, so I pulled on my proverbial big-girl panties.
“Speaking of secrets—” I started, looking down at my wineglass.
“In the spirit of laying all our cards on the table, I have something I should tell you.”
He looked over at me expectantly, waiting for me to divulge my secret.
I sat up straighter and gathered my courage. With my heart beating out of my chest, I went on, “I slept with someone else.”
Taking a deep breath, his nostrils flared, and his eyes closed, but he remained silent, so I continued.
“It was a couple of days after I ran out on you. Not my finest moment, but I fell back on the only coping mechanism I knew to numb the pain I was feeling. It was a mistake—one that I regret so much—and I thought you should know. But I haven’t been with anyone since.”
Brandon was so still, I wasn’t sure if he’d even heard me. I didn’t plan on telling him about my rock bottom, but it felt dishonest to keep it from him. And since we agreed on honesty and friendship, I needed to come clean.
With his eyes still closed and fists clenched at his sides, he breathed, “It’s fine.”
“It was my rock bottom, Brandon. I felt horrible, which was new for me. I’d never regretted my whorish ways until that moment. I—”
“Stop.” He interrupted my poor excuse for an apology tour.
His pacing resumed as he continued, “I don’t want to hear another word about it.
You left; we weren’t together, but the thought of you with someone else makes my blood boil, Lexi.
I wish I hadn’t just agreed to the whole no-sex thing, because all I want to do is fuck you so hard so that you never forget who that pussy belongs to again. ”
Oh, shit. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse. My whore of a pussy throbbed her approval. Apparently, this possessive side of Brandon did it for me. Why did I suggest no sex again? I licked my lips, my mouth suddenly feeling like the Sahara. “Brandon—”
“I’ve gotta get out of here.” His jacket was already halfway on.
I was on my feet and pulling at his arm before I could stop myself. “Wait. Don’t go, please.”
He turned to me and grabbed both my arms. “I have to. I can’t be here right now, Sweetheart.
” He leaned down and rested his forehead on mine.
“Because if I stay, I will fuck you, and I don’t want either of us to fuck this up again.
” The anguish in his voice told me he meant what he was saying.
I needed to let him leave, even though, for maybe the first time in my life, I wanted a man to stay and not even for the promise of sex.
“Go,” I whispered.