Chapter 28
Alicia
‘Alicia!’
Jamie’s voice could have been a thousand miles away as Alicia stared into the window of the bakery opposite the bookshop.
The display was bare but she was lost in a world of soft, warm bread and fluffy scones.
Why couldn’t she be ensconced inside a giant scone.
En–scone–ced. Oh, God, that was like a joke Jamie would make.
Jamie. Jamie. His low Scottish burr was coaxing her out of her protective reverie, his large hand gentle on her shoulder.
She turned to him, her eyes wet with frustration and sadness.
The drama in the bookshop made Alicia want to curl up in a dark room.
Being reminded of the shame Chad had rained down, strangers’ eyes boring into her.
And Jamie seemingly holding a candle for his ex.
‘Can we go home?’ She lowered her voice as a few people passed by. They said hello to Jamie, and he responded with a brief nod. ‘I can’t do a public scene.’
‘Not a problem.’ They walked and Jamie talked. ‘Listen, Alicia, I’m sorry about what Frank said to you.’
‘It’s not that,’ she said. ‘That was awful but I don’t care what he thinks about me.’
‘Then what is it?’
‘It was you, Jamie. What you did. You pushed a guy into a stack of books. It’s not great, is it?’
Jamie stopped for a second, but when Alicia keep walking, he was by her side again. ‘Did I? Because unless I blacked out, I don’t recall anything of the sort.’
‘You raised your voice. He fell over.’
‘So I raised my voice and he fell over, therefore I must have pushed him? There’s a bit of logic missing there. I’m not going to deny the bloke’s completely shoveable but I did not push him.’
‘Oh, Jamie.’ The fact that he’d been tempted was a giant klaxon on top of a glaring neon sign, but Alicia couldn’t explain in the middle of the street. She picked up her pace, Jamie easily keeping up with her strides but saying nothing.
Once inside the house, he apologised again as Alicia stood by the window and looked out at the surging black waves, dark shadows front lit by lemony street lamps.
‘Look, I’m sorry for raising my voice at the dickhead who stole my ex and insulted you. He’s an arse but I accept that you didn’t need that drama.’
‘Oh, Jamie!’
‘What is it with all this oh, Jamie stuff? I feel like I’m about twelve years old after parents’ evening at school.’
Just like a parent after parents’ evening, Alicia was disappointed, but she wasn’t sure it was more in Jamie or herself for seeing an idealistic vision of their future.
She’d been involved with a rich man before whose ego had blocked the way forward.
And now it had happened again. Jamie’s pride was bruised from Frank ‘stealing’ his ex and he was sore about it, because he still loved Katie.
Sore enough not to rise above it in public.
‘Look,’ she said, ‘I can’t deal with your ego taking off down the highway like that. I’ve had my fill of men who get angry and, instead of using productive words, execute some impromptu action: like Chad spiking my drink or leaking those photos.’
‘What?’ Jamie railed. ‘Are you seriously putting me in the same category as that kind of guy? That’s insane. In the time we’ve been together, have I done anything to indicate I lean on violence or vindictiveness as a means of expression?’
‘No, you haven’t, but you told me about your dad.’ Alicia was clutching at straws and as soon as these words left her mouth, she regretted them. But it was too late as Jamie’s eyes flashed dark with disbelief and he tensed like a coiled spring.
‘That’s a low blow.’
She pursed her lips. She’d said the wrong thing and should stop talking now. Just listen. Because Jamie wasn’t done. He hadn’t even begun.
‘Let me tell you something,’ His voice was muted but the undercurrent was suppressed incandescence, ‘I have spent my entire life intentionally not being like that man. Not that it’s been a struggle.
But for you to come in here and make a sweeping statement like that without knowing anything about the situation…
I can’t get my head round why you think that’s okay.
It’s like’— He gripped the back of his neck as if grasping to articulate the betrayal—‘everything I thought I knew about you is a lie.’
Alicia dropped her gaze to the floor then back up to Jamie.
His eyes simmered, awaiting an explanation.
She’d messed up and shifted the dynamic between them.
Betrayed him by throwing back the trust he’d put in her when he’d shared about his biological father.
The truth was she’d seen him stand in front of Frank and seen Frank fall, but she hadn’t seen him push Frank and had no right to compare him to a man she had a second hand understanding of.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘Truly, I am. I overstepped into territory I know nothing about.’
Jamie’s chest heaved as he processed her apology. ‘Okay.’ His expression was puzzled but attentive.
‘I do believe you didn’t push Frank,’ she went on.
‘You’re not like that and I got thrown because of things that I’ve been through in the past. So, for that I apologise.
But the thing is, you raising your voice in the bookshop was like the actions of a man whose pride was hurt because his girlfriend of ten years moved onto someone new and he still has feelings for her.
’ Alicia sounded like an armchair psychologist, but these were her innermost fears.
‘Well, that can only be described as bullshit.’ Jamie stated definitively.
‘But she wounded you by leaving you for him, which is totally understandable because he’s vile, inside and out.
And then he goes and gets her pregnant. I get it, Jamie.
It would hurt anyone’s pride, but you are in denial if you believe you can stroll away from that and be fine.
The proof of that was up there tonight. Maybe you should speak to a counsellor about your repressed feelings. ’
‘My repressed f… What? I’m not denying anything, Alicia.
The man is a twat. It’s simple. He and Katie are welcome to each other.
If you’re looking for more than that, like some tragic, unresolved daddy issues, then you’re going to be digging for a long time.
I’m not some wounded animal here. I picked myself up and moved on. That’s it.’
‘Okay.’
‘I sense passive aggressive acceptance.’
‘I’m sorry. I’m just torn here between believing you and feeling like there is something more, something you’re not even telling yourself, never mind me. You seemed angry tonight. That’s a side of you I haven’t seen and I’m not going to lie, I didn’t like it.’
Jamie shook his head in consternation. ‘I don’t pretend to like the vilest man in the village and I’ve got anger issues? Come on, Leesh. I’m letting him and Katie take their time moving out of the house which has been in my family for centuries. Is that the sign of someone with anger issues?’
Alicia stood by the window staring out into the ominous evening, at the ocean curling towards the village in black thunderous crashes. Her emotional compass was telling her to keep moving in this direction. Jamie was resolute, but it all seemed too easily wrapped up in a package of I’m fine.
‘The truth is, Jamie, I’m getting red flags.
Up until tonight, being here with you in Kinshore has felt like the loveliest, safest existence, but tonight was like someone sent me out onto those waves and told me to swim.
And you were right there next to me, trying to swim too.
Flailing. I don’t feel safe and secure anymore because I know something isn’t right with you, and I can’t rely on you or this place for a sense of security. ’
‘Alicia.’ Jamie’s voice cracked. ‘I would always keep you safe. I’d protect you to the ends of the earth. If we were out on those waves, I’d drown saving you. Always.’
‘But I don’t want you to drown saving me. I want us both to be happy on shore. Oh, God, I don’t know. I genuinely do feel so at sea.’
Jamie pressed his palms over his eyes as if tired and hiding from the words he wanted to speak. ‘Okay, look… Have you ever thought…? Oh, God, this is hard to say.’
‘Just say it.’
‘Leesh, you’re incredible. You are. But you’ve as much as said it yourself. The book you’ve got upstairs… Is there any chance that the hurt that guy caused you is making you feel like this?’
‘Like what?’ It was obvious what Jamie was getting at, and it was brave of him to say it. Kind, even. Was she so mired in shame that she couldn’t believe someone loved her and she was pushing at him to create certainty for herself?
‘I can't be sure,’ said Jamie, ‘because I don’t fully understand what’s going on in your head, but perhaps it’s making it harder for you to realise how much I care.’
And there it was. Jamie was steering his analysis of her psyche in exactly the right direction, without saying the dreaded S word.
He was right. Shame blocked the route to her accepting that he cared for her.
It was such a mess. If she told him he was right then she had to admit quite how much self-reproach she was carrying around, and if she did that, then he might stop caring. It was a lose-lose.
‘Oh, Jamie, I don’t know anymore. All I can say is that I’m completely overwhelmed by all of this. This is meant to be a vacation but I’m exhausted. I think the best thing might be if I catch the first flight back to LA.’
‘What the… ?’ Jamie may as well have been rammed in the gut by a truck, such was the look of shell shock on his face. ‘Come on, at least sleep on it and re-evaluate in the morning.’
But Alicia took the stairs to the bedroom to pack her things. This had to be done quickly or it wouldn’t be done at all. He deserved better than her mess. ‘A clean break is better,’ she said. ‘I’ll get a hotel at the airport and stay there until my flight.’
‘That’s completely unnecessary,’ Jamie reasoned as he climbed the stairs after her. ‘There’s a bed here. I’ll sleep in the spare room. If you’re talking about being safe then don’t go out onto those dark, winding roads at this time of year.’
‘It’s fine.’ Alicia began crushing things into her bag, her heart crushing, too, Jamie watching her helplessly. ‘I’ll get a taxi driver who knows the roads. As I said, we need a clean break.’
‘So, if you were to stay the night, I could maybe convince you, which means that you’re denying your feelings by leaving.
Don’t do that, Leesh. We have such a good thing here.
You’ve loved Kinshore and it loves you. Is going back to LA, where you aren’t even sure you want to live, really the answer? ’
His words made absolute sense, but Alicia had to put space between them, until he worked out whatever made him so angry at Frank, and until she sorted out her shame.
‘I’m not denying how I feel,’ she said. ‘You shouldn’t deny your own emotions either. Let me go and you’ll have space to work on what’s driving your mind, your heart.’
‘Look, if there was anything that drove me tonight, it wasn’t my feelings for Katie. It was my feelings for––’
‘Please, Jamie. Stop.’ Alicia zipped up her case and whipped it upright, and lifted her smaller bag. Jamie reached out and she jolted with fear. ‘Don’t try to stop me,’ she said.
‘I’m not trying to stop you, you numptie. I’m trying to carry your bags.’
‘Oh, sorry.’
He stood in front of her now. But instead of taking her luggage into his hands, he took her face. Oh, my God. All she could do was stand there and let him. She had neither the physical or emotional capability to fight this gesture.
‘Alicia,’ Jamie said, as she let herself meet his ardent gaze.
‘It’s no exaggeration to say that I am destroyed you’re leaving, and I’m going to say this in case I don’t get another chance.
Please just listen.’ He ran his thumb tenderly over her cheekbone, the lines between his eyebrows creasing with confusion and hurt that he was talking to her like this at all.
‘When I met you, a month ago, all these feelings I was living in blissful ignorance of blew in like that blizzard we got caught in at the bothy. Suddenly, I was hit with what I’d been missing out on all these years.
By missing out, I mean missing out on having you, not just on the feelings, because I cannot imagine for a second being out of my mind like this for anyone else.
It’s no word of a lie to say that if I had to wait until I was eighty years old to meet you, and we only had a year together, or a week or even a day, I would wait and I would bask in every second of the time because you, Alicia Jansen, are the only woman for me. The only one. End of.’
Holy smokes! This man and his words. Alicia wished there was something more stable to grip onto than her bags because he had well and truly thrown her off balance.
She could grip onto him. Drop the bags and let him scoop her into his arms. Let it all go.
Let herself be loved by him because she was pretty sure she loved… No. She couldn’t.
Alicia passed the bag she was holding to Jamie.
Hope sparked across his face.
‘Thank you for offering to carry this,’ she said, her soul cracking at having given him that spark of optimism.
‘Oh.’ Jamie took the bag and, although she had snatched his hope, he would not let her steal away from his gaze. ‘Just so you know,’ he said, pinning her to the spot. ‘I will be trying to work out how we get over this. Don’t think for a second I’m letting you slope out of my life for good.’
‘Oh, Jamie.’ Why was he so determined to make this work? Why was he so wonderful? Why was it not possible that she could have him?
‘Really? “Oh Jamie” again?’
‘Sorry. My bad.’ Alicia raised her palm to this sensational man’s cheek and let it linger for a moment to feel the real Scotsman under his rough stubble.
So much about Jamie was amazing – his humour, his tenderness, his strength – but her scars were still open wounds, and she needed him to be fully healed too.
To be true to her own needs meant denying herself some of the most life-altering feelings with the most incredible man she’d ever met. That was just the way it was. End of.