Chapter 29
Alicia
When she walked into the arrivals area of LAX at midday two days later, Alicia got sensory overload.
Compared to her surroundings for the previous month, there were so many people, so much noise, and things were coming at her from all directions.
One of those things was a photographer. Welcome home.
She tipped her head down as the man tried to stick his camera as close to her face as possible.
‘Hey, Alicia, where’ve you been? You had a good vacation? Have you spoken to Chad?’
Alicia pushed on until she could see Sunni standing near the door waiting for her.
Thank goodness she’d called her best friend.
She could have booked a cab, but was in dire need of a friendly face.
It had been next to impossible to sleep on the flight; the events in Kinshore playing on a loop in her mind.
That awful man in the bookshop saying those things about her, and the realisation that Jamie might still be hung up on his ex.
Had she made the right decision in leaving?
Could she and Jamie have worked through things together?
Guilt nipped at her conscience, but she was too tired to process emotions.
The immediate priority was home, shower, and sleep.
‘I am desperate to hear about your vacation,’ Sunni merged onto the freeway, ‘but I can tell you’re in no place to give me the best version of events.’
In the passenger seat, Alicia’s head lolled forward.
‘Woah! What are they giving you in first class these days?’ Sunni asked.
‘Sorry,’ Alicia mumbled. ‘Just…exhausted, you know.’
‘I know, hun. We can catch up when you’ve had a good rest.’
Alicia awoke at six the following morning unable to sleep any longer.
The jet lag had decided she was revived enough to cope with the day.
Sunni was already up and about making smoothie bowls.
Alicia remembered her saying that she would stay over so she could fix breakfast and they could hang out and catch up. It was lovely to have her friend there.
On the veranda, Alicia drank a coffee, the winter Californian sun gently dappling her face.
It was lovely but she preferred the Scottish snow or the wild and blustery ocean at Kinshore.
In her heart the climate was quintessentially Scottish – cold and bleak – and the tartan ribbon it was all wrapped in was Jamie Butler.
Pushing her hair back off her face, as if that would get rid of the thought, Alicia decided that Jamie would have to be shelved under holiday romance. She would focus on healing and rebuilding, But where to start?
‘So,’ Sunni said, as they ate their smoothie bowls at the kitchen table, ‘you want to chill today?’
‘No.’ Alicia shook her head and mumbled, her mouth full of berries, chia seeds, and oats. ‘Reclaiming myself begins now. Did you find that thing for me?’
‘Sure.’ Sunni was appraised of the situation with Jamie, Alicia having asked her to find her the details of a compatible therapist. She had to talk to someone.
‘I did. And I’ve spoken to her and even though she has a waiting list as long as an elephant’s trunk she’ll fit you in because she loves me. You guys are going to connect well.’ Sunni tapped at her phone to send Alicia the number.
‘Thank you. I’ll call her after this, even though I’m terrified.’ Just the thought of introducing herself to the receptionist made Alicia quake with fear, as if all they could think about when they heard her name was those photos.
‘So what shall we do today?’ Alicia asked after she had made the call. ‘I can’t hang here until my therapist’s appointment. Although I kind of want to.’
Sunni thought for a moment. ‘If you weren’t worried about leaving the house and people looking at you, what would you do?’
‘Hmm, I’d like to lose some of this winter belly. I’d go to the gym and then for a spa or for a facial, or both?’
‘Let’s do those things then?’
‘Really?’
‘Yes! Once breakfast has digested a bit, we start with the gym.’
A short time later, Alicia and Sunni were on their way to the small gym at an exclusive hotel.
Alicia had some gym equipment in her own house, but operation reclaim herself meant holding her head high in public, even if it was low on her list of desirables.
Plus, it felt good to work out. When she was with Jamie, the working out had been sex, followed by more calories than the sex burned off, and she craved the sense of wellbeing that a good session in the gym brought.
‘Remember that book you gave me?’ she said to Sunni as they drove to the hotel. ‘It sat in my suitcase the whole time I was away. I’m my own worst enemy.’
Sunni turned down the music. ‘Go easy on yourself, Leesh. You took it with you. And if you think that not having read it is a big deal, then that in itself is a big deal. I have to tell you something though.’ Her tone darkened somewhat.
‘Not to rock your boat, but Chad is out of rehab soon, and he’s got that Clelland Freeman interview, remember?
Things might get a bit unsettled again.’
Alicia considered this. She was dreading Chad’s interview, but she was prepared for it.
‘You know,’ she said, ‘I have to deal with the shame Chad has given me, but there are no more photos or videos. So, this storm cannot be worse than the last one. If I grip onto the railing then when it passes, hopefully your therapist lady will teach me some coping skills. And, sure, my acting career is at ground zero, but one thing Scotland taught me is how much I love painting, so I’m going to focus solely on that again.
It gives me much more happiness than modelling or acting. ’
‘Well, go you! What are you going to paint?’
‘Just some scenes, as usual. Malibu Creek, Point Dume, places like that.’
‘I’m proud of you,’ said Sunni.
‘Thanks. I’m kind of proud of myself.’
On Sunday evening, Alicia was setting up her painting studio when Chad’s name flashed up on her phone.
She stared at the handset, wondering whether to answer the call.
Chad’s interview on Clelland Freeman was that evening and he might threaten to say something incriminating if she got on the wrong side of him.
She couldn’t face talking to him because her stability was balancing on a highwire right now.
Part of keeping that balance was not watching the interview.
Sunni would apprise her of the key points.
Watching Chad on television for half an hour was worse than spending time in his actual company because you knew he was playing to a captive audience and would say anything to cultivate his desired image.
So Alicia walked away from the TV, went for a drive, sketched some trees, came home and waited for texts from Sunni.
Eventually at 10 pm her phone vibrated.
Well, I’m not sure what to make of that.
It was something, yet it was nothing. He admitted to having an ‘addiction problem’, to DUI, to experimenting with other ways of ‘getting down with dopamine’, and that he’s not always been a good boy in the past. He said he wanted to move on and make amends with the people he cares about and those he’s lost because of his behaviour, but he didn’t specifically mention you.
Alicia sighed. This shouldn’t be a surprise.
Chad would never admit anything about the photos because that was ultimately unforgiveable.
It surprised Alicia that she was bitterly disappointed by this.
Had she been so na?ve as to expect Chad to apologise to her live on air?
To tell the world that she was innocent and he was a dog.
To resurrect pure Alicia. Poor Alicia, more like.
Stop that, she told herself. You’re not poor Alicia. You’ve plenty of privilege.
It would have been nice to have her reputation cleared, though.
The next morning, Alicia’s phone rang with another call from Chad. Once more, she ignored it.
An hour later, he appeared at her front door, a self-satisfied smirk on his face like he was winning in the game of cat and mouse.
Alicia wondered what she had ever found attractive about this man. Sure, he was conventionally good looking and dressed sharply in his lightly distressed jeans and cargo shirt. But he was an awful person with an ego the size of Hollywood itself.
‘Hey, AJ. You’re as ravishing as ever. Can I come in?’
Alicia wanted to say no, but if there was going to be drama here, it would not be happening on her doorstep, so she let Chad in but didn’t offer him anything to drink.
‘Do you have any diet soda?’ he asked.
‘Nope, no soda,’ Alicia said.
‘Right. I called you yesterday.’ Chad moved on and into the lounge, evidently not thirsty enough to ask for something else.
‘I know.’
‘Did you see my interview?’
‘I heard about it.’
‘Thoughts?’
‘None. Was I supposed to think something?’
‘Well, yes. I’ve put a shitload of work into rehab over the past month, done a fuck ton of soul searching and I’m prepared to stand up and admit that my behaviour hasn’t always been the best. I said that I wanted to make amends with the people I’ve upset.’
‘I don’t believe you named me or admitted what you did. As for upset? My career is in a dumpster, Chad. Not to mention the psychological damage.’
‘Oh, come on, don’t be a drama queen.’
‘A drama queen?’ Alicia wished she did have some soda. She’d throw it at him and distress his jeans some more. ‘I’ve lost the éclisse contract and there are no new movies, not that I want movies, but that isn’t the point. And you don’t live inside my head, so you have no idea about the rest.’
‘I’m sure we can work on rebuilding things.’ Chad shrugged with as much sincerity as an emoji. I’ve the number of a good therapist.’
Alicia shook her head vigorously as if to unlock water or shake away Chad’s words. ‘Excuse me?’
‘Look, AJ…’
This diminutive. AJ. She’d always found it so impersonal: like she was one of Chad’s buddies. Leesh was so much warmer. How she missed Jamie. Not thinking about him required a barrel load of willpower.