Chapter 24Hazel
Chapter 24
Hazel
Three weeks later
“Soooo… How did it go?” Alexis drops her yellow suede tote bag on the floor beside the couch, then plops down beside me. We’re at Windsor’s most popular coffee shop, which is bustling, as usual.
She pulls her phone out and holds it above her cup to take a pic of the latte art. “Did you use that trick I taught you?”
I just had my first public speaking gig at the Windsor Rotary Club. My dad lined it up for me two weeks ago when he first heard about my promotion.
His friend, the Rotary Club President, gave me an hour slot during the club’s monthly brunch.
The talk was on succeeding in the remote work environment. My hands are still shaking like leaves.
“No, I didn’t try your trick. Honestly, mentally picturing the crowd naked would have totally freaked me out. Also, I never want to speak in front of a group again.”
She takes a long slurp of her latte. “You nailed it, I’m sure. I already saw people going on and on about how inspiring it was on the town page. Dusty Fitz said you should run for Town Council. He said you’re the smartest person in Windsor.” She laughs and rolls her eyes. “We all know he’s had a thing for you for ages.”
I frown down at my coffee.
She crosses her legs and opens the paper bag she brought over, along with her drink. “I got us the bear claws. We’re celebrating the fact that you are on your way to being a Public Speaking Queen. Your future is bright, honey. I’m seeing workshops, lectures, video courses.”
I don’t feel like celebrating.
I felt like a fake up there behind the podium.
For an entire hour, I talked about my career. I shared how I’d recently worked my way up to a management position, and people applauded me.
Afterward, a bunch of my father’s friends wanted to shake my hand. “Congratulations, Hazel! Your success story really shows what’s possible. I’d love for my daughter to sit down with you so she can pick up some advice.”
Yes, I’m proud of the promotion I was awarded. Buzzy Digital Marketing is on the way to becoming a Fortune 500 company, and I’m now in the top ranks.
When Fabian told me that the legal ‘hiccup’ was all taken care of, I was so relieved. And then, when he interviewed me, I tried to prove I’d be a good, steady, thoughtful leader.
I’ve done my best to do that, too.
That can be tricky when you know that one of the Sales Leads you’re emailing with has gorgeous green eyes. Eyes you’ve gazed into while lying on a sun-warmed beach towel.
When Jack’s messages, reports, and invoices land in my inbox, I picture those eyes.
His crooked smile.
His dimples.
I read whatever message he’s typed up about work stuff, and I think about how it felt when he picked me up in that bungalow kitchen. I remember the feel of his hands on my waist as he dared me to take a risk with him.
Beside me, Alexis licks chocolate off her fingers. “Mm! These things are dangerous. I’ll have to spend some serious time on that Stairmaster so this doesn’t go straight to my thighs. Did I tell you we booked that trip to Florida for April? I just bought one of those cute rabbit-ears suits with the two pieces of fabric that tie around the neck. You know that style?”
I’m lost.
I can’t figure out what the heck she’s talking about.
My thoughts are on Hawaii. In my mind, I’m with Jack.
“You know, right…?” She motions around her neck, trying to give me visual cues. “The straps are thick here, and they taper…? Hold on, I’ll show you. You’re going to love the style. It’s right up your alley.”
When she reaches for her phone, I take the opportunity to do the same. I recently turned in a few reports to Fabian, and I want to make sure he got them. He’s usually quick to confirm.
The email from Jack in my inbox catches me off guard.
What’s this?
I’m not expecting to hear from him about any of his current clients. Things have been so strained between us since we decided to ‘cool it’ three weeks ago. We’ve kept communication to a minimum.
I click the email open… and a new wave of sadness hits me. It’s towering, powerful, and feels all-consuming.
He’s quitting.
His message is clipped and to the point—all business. It says he’s leaving to pursue other avenues of work.
Where’s the friendliness? The charm?
I basked in it, once, but now I can’t even get a hint of it.
This email is formal. Cold, even.
So, not Jack.
What’s going on?
I am sure this has to do with what happened between us. Of course, he feels the awkwardness, too. The strain, the weight. Maybe whenever he sees a message from me, his heart quickens, and memories pop up.
It’s painful to remember.
It was so good while it lasted. But vacations can’t last forever. He said that back when we were on the beach.
Alexis throws her phone my way. I look at the bathing suit, which is adorable. “I love it,” I tell her.
The words come out flat.
She tilts her head. “What’s up? I am showing you the loveliest vintage-inspired suit in the world, and you usually drool over vintage styles, and—this.” She swivels a finger at my face. “You look like you’re sitting here watching a slow-motion train wreck.”
I set my coffee aside.
I feel too sick to enjoy it. “I can’t stop thinking about Hawaii, Lex.”
She sighs. “Oh, okay. This is about Jack Morgan.”
“I just got an email from him. He’s quitting and moving on to some other job. I understand it. Things have been tense, and awkward, and…” I lean back and stare at the ceiling.
How can I describe how it feels to go from laughing with Jack over a plate of shrimp cocktail to trading formal emails about revising spreadsheets?
The difference was so dramatic that I got whiplash.
“Actually, that could be good,” she says with one of her sunny smiles. “If he’s moving on from Buzzy, you guys could try again.”
“There’s no way he wants that. He couldn’t wait to call it quits.”
Over the past few weeks, so many doubts have taken root. That awful Skype call that featured Jess has played across my mind hundreds of times.
“For all I know, he’s back with his ex,” I fret. “I mean, yeah, she was supposedly about to get married. But she sure seemed interested in Jack on that video call. It’s probably a good thing. Jack and I were so different… We live so far away.”
“Hey, being different from a person can be a good thing. You and I are nothing alike; that’s why we’re besties, right?”
I nod, but her pep talk isn’t hitting home.
My fears are too big. My doubts hang over me like a heavy rain cloud that her sunshine can’t quite get through.
In true Alexis fashion, she won’t give up on me. “You know what? How about this? Hawaii was so good for you… What if you go back? Maybe you just need a little more time on the beach, a little more time for soul-searching. You could figure out what to do about Jack there, where the magic happened in the first place.”
“I have been daydreaming about going back.”
More than daydreaming, actually.
I’ve looked up flights.
“There’s this ceremony coming up,” I tell her. “They’re releasing the sea turtles that have lived at the resort for five years out into the ocean. The staff performs a blessing, and people line the pathway as the turtles reach the water. It sounds really cool.”
More than cool.
Healing .
And… healing is what I need.
“Yes, yes! Go for it, honey,” Alexis says. “You fell in love with those sea turtles. I think sending them out into the big sea is exactly what you need. It might help you see that you’re more free than you think, too. You’ve got a big, open life in front of you. I wish you’d get that.”
“But—Lex, it’s this weekend. I can’t?—”
“Do not tell me you can’t afford the tickets. Girl, I know what you’re raking in these days, and you’ve got money to spare.”
“Sure, I have the money. But my mom?—”
“Your mom needs to learn to be okay alone,” Alexis finishes. “And you need to live your own life. If you keep sacrificing your own happiness to earn her love, neither of you will be happy.”
I draw in more coffee, then take a bite of Bear Claw.
This weekend is already packed with activities that my mom scheduled for us. It’s due to start with me taking her to the medical supply store to get a lower back pillow for her favorite armchair. Then, a chiropractor appointment, grocery shopping, and she wants us to try baking a new cookie recipe…
What would she do if I backed out?
I don’t want to leave her hanging. She needs me.
Then again… all this compromising I’ve been doing isn’t serving either of us.
She seems more miserable and needy than ever, and I’m far from happy,
It’s time to make a change.
A big one.
When Alexis heads out so she can pick up Melody at preschool, I polish off my coffee and gather my coat and purse.
My dad’s office is only a few blocks away. I can stop there and talk with him before seeing my mother. I don’t know how trying to escape our old patterns will feel, but it’s time to find out.