Chapter 12
Cole
Isit, staring at the message on my phone from Lacey. My heart plummets into my stomach, and my mouth goes dry.
Lacey
I saw Ted outside of Il Vecchio’s restaurant. He says he wants to meet, for the baby’s sake…What do I do? I kind of already agreed but I don’t know if this is a good idea.
I don’t message her back. I can’t, because if I do, then I won’t write what a best friend should be telling her, that it’s her choice, and I’m here no matter what.
What I want to say to her is that for the past few weeks, my dad has been taking me to therapy and sitting through the sessions with me to help me overcome this paralysing fear I have of not being enough.
I want to tell her that I can give her the world, if only she would give me the time I need to grow and be who she needs me to be.
Instead, like the coward I am, I don’t message her back. The silent fear that I will lose everything outweighs all logical thought. Pulling out my phone, I ring Cas.
“Hey Cole, what’s up?” I open my mouth to reply, but he beats me to it. “And don’t say the sky!” He laughs at his joke, oblivious that my world is spinning out of control.
“Cas, can you ask Emmy if Lacey has mentioned this date she’s going on with Ted?” I bite the words out, his name tasting like ash in my mouth.
He groans. “Come on, man, I told you last time, I can’t be telling you the things Emmy shares with me.”
I realise it’s time to play dirty. “I never ask you for anything and I will never ask you again, but Cas, please, I am begging you…”
I know I’ve got him when he sighs. “I swear, Cole, do not tell anyone I told you this.” He pauses as if unsure if he should share.
“Emmy told me that Lacey agreed to go to lunch with Ted tomorrow at 2 pm, but you should absolutely not go to Sandy’s Deli Bar in Brimcrest. I’ve gotta go, Emmy’s shouting for me from upstairs. ” With that, he ends the call.
I put my phone aside and walk into the bathroom, switching on the shower.
I wait until the steam starts billowing around the room, and then I peel out of my pyjama pants and step into the hot spray, tipping my face up to the water and letting it wash over me.
This is the only time I ever truly relax enough to think, so I go over the last session I had with my therapist, when she told me that my need to control everything was because I felt so out of control with the fact that I would never biologically have my own children.
I’ve only had a few sessions with her, but each time I feel like I’m getting a piece of myself back.
I’ve been honest with her and told her all the nitty-gritty details, how sometimes I lay awake at night and consider jacking it all in and leaving, how I’d sabotaged every single relationship I ever had because they weren’t Lacey, and how I kept myself away from her romantically because I knew I couldn’t be what she needed.
That was when she asked me, ‘What is the worst that could happen if you told her how you felt?’
Honestly, I couldn’t think of the worst thing, because I know that if we give in, we would be fucking amazing together. The one thing stopping me is the crippling fear that she realises I’m not worth the risk of taking our friendship further.
Friendship. Fucking hell, is that what it was when I almost choked on my tongue when Lacey answered the video call?
She had no idea that her camera was facing forward and aimed right at that mirror.
The red lace cups barely contained her delicious tits, and the bow that tied in between them was begging for my mouth to untie it.
The sheer fabric attached to the underside of the bra draped over and around her bump.
That bump made her look sexy as hell, but the lace underwear she wore had my mouth watering and my cock fucking rock hard.
Just like it is now. I look down and shake my head. This isn’t what friendship is; I shouldn’t be getting hard at the thought of my best friend barely naked. I absolutely shouldn’t be fisting my cock and tugging as hard as I can.
Maybe that’s what I’m doing, punishing myself.
Her face when she realised that I could see everything…
she may think her face was horrified, and it was, but for a moment I saw lust written all over it, what I wouldn’t give to have that look directed at me right now.
I’ll have to make do with the memory of it and imagine I am in that changing room with her now.
I would stand behind her. My fingers would skim the outsides of her thighs, travelling slowly up, bunching the fabric as I went along.
I’d trace the outline of her breasts and move to the centre to slowly circle her nipples through the fabric.
Her breath would hitch, and her breathing would become more shallow as I untied the ribbon holding this whole thing together.
I’d kiss the side of her neck and listen to her moan out my name.
I pump myself harder and brace my arm on the wall in front of me. I feel the familiar tingling sensation down my spine, and I lose all sense of reality as I spill myself into the falling water while Lacey’s name falls from my lips.
Guilt crashes over me in waves, and I turn the shower to the coldest setting. When I finish the self-pity party, I get ready for work.
Today’s going to be a long day.
**********
I visit the new work site that we started a few weeks back.
Usually, I live for this. I would walk around the site and feel the buzz of excitement coursing through my veins at the prospect of another project.
Only this time it falls flat. I’m making money for our family company, and yes, the job is exciting enough, but it no longer holds the same wonder.
I spend a few hours in the makeshift office, going through the invoices that Emmy has been dealing with.
She only works part-time for us now; the rest of her time is spent in her new endeavour of event planning.
She’s organised, so she has the eye for it, but I am going to miss her organisational skills when her business takes off.
My phone starts ringing, my mum’s contact flashing on the screen. “Hi Mum, how are you?”
“I’ll be better when this bloody cold shifts, but that isn’t why I’m calling. I wanted to know if you would like to come for your tea tonight? I’m making cowboy stew, your favourite.” She sounds so hopeful that I don’t have the heart to let her down, even though I’m not in the mood for company.
“Sure, Mum, do you want anything picked up for your cold?”
“No love, your dad has me stocked up on enough Lemsips to last me a lifetime. I’ll see you later, Cole, love you.”
“Love you too, Mum.” I end the call and start to pack up my things.
**********
Turns out that my mum's cowboy stew is exactly what I need. I picked up some freshly baked bread from the new bakery in town. Nothing can beat some of that bread lathered in butter and dunked in the stew. Maybe it would make my mum feel a little better, along with the bunch of flowers I have gotten for her. I order her up to bed early because she can barely keep her eyes open, and right now I’m elbow deep in suds, giving our plates a good clean.
I’m entirely in my own world, so I don’t hear my dad come up behind me. I jump as he speaks.
“You seem deep in thought there, Cole. Want to talk about it?”
“I have no idea how even to start, Dad. I’m in way over my head.”
“Maybe you start like you do when you see your therapist; tell me about the one thing that’s on your mind.”
I answer without hesitation, “Lacey.”
He nods at me as if he knew all along. “Let me guess, you haven’t talked to her yet about where you're going or what you’re doing when you get there?”
I shake my head. “What am I supposed to say, Dad? ‘Hey Lacey, guess what? I’m seeing a therapist because I’m completely fucked in the head and want to be with you, but I can’t because I can’t have kids and give you everything you ever wanted’, You mean that?”
The fucker nods and laughs at me. “Wasn’t that hard, was it?”
That pulls a laugh from me, too. “In all seriousness, Dad, I don’t know how to start that conversation with her. I want to be right, I want to be cured of this…this fucking headache before I even try to talk to her.”
“Did I ever tell you about when your mum and I first met?” I shake my head and wait for him to continue.
“She had big plans; she was going to go to university and after that travel the world for a year.” He smiles as he remembers, and love shines in his eyes.
“I met her through a friend of mine. I had just started my own business as a labourer for hire. I’d drive around with my tools in the back of my van and ask if there was any spare work on the sites.
Anyway, we met, and immediately I knew - I knew she was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
We had a summer together, and Cole, boy, was it the best summer of my life.
Then September arrived, and she had to get ready to go off to university. ”
Invested in the story now, I ask, “Did you go with her? Did you ask her to stay?”
“I did none of those things. Instead, I told her we had a beautiful summer, and that’s all it was. She went off to university, and I didn’t see her for another two years.”
“WHAT!” I don’t mean to shout, but jeez, talk about a twist in the story. “Sorry, Dad, but what the actual fuck?”
He laughs at my outburst. “Oh, believe me, I know how stupid I was. Your mum loves to remind me about this every few months.” He gets that wistful look in his eyes again.
“I’m telling you this, Cole, because I have been where you are right now.
I didn’t tell your mum how I felt because I didn’t feel worthy of her.
I thought I had to make something of myself before I even tried, when all along your mum was waiting for me to get my head out of my backside. ”
He grabs us two beers from the fridge. “I wasted two years of life without your mum, Cole. Two years that I'll never get back. Don’t let your fears today ruin your tomorrow. You need to either tell Lacey how you feel and make a go of it, or you set her free, because you can’t have her hanging on by a thread for the rest of her life.
Sooner or later, someone will come along and they will see she is worth fighting for, and you, my friend, will lose her forever.
” He clinks my bottle and takes his upstairs with him.
Well, shit. Now I'm picturing Lacey with Ted the Deadbeat Dad, and I do not like it, not one bit. I need to stop this non-date date.
**********
I wake up the next morning, determined to tell Lacey that going to this non-date lunch is a bad idea.
I don’t trust this Ted, but I also know that Lacey is her own woman, and if I dare try to tell her what to do, she will have my balls carved up on a pretty platter.
So I do the only thing left to do and seek some very unsound advice from my brothers.
Me
Lacey has a date with DBD
Arch
*fainting gif* Cole!!! Why did you let her do that?!
Cas
*crying laughing emoji* Nobody ‘lets’ Lacey do anything
Rafe
Did you not try to put her off??
Me
No. I panicked and…didn’t text her back…
Ethan
*idiot sandwich gif* you’re stupid.
Rafe
Ooh Ethan full stopped you! That means he’s mad!
My delightful brothers all start typing at once, so I wait for the barrage of abuse.
Ethan
Yes, I’m mad! Absolute rookie move, Cole! She was giving you permission to go caveman on her and you blew it!
Rafe
^^ don’t you mean neanderthal? But yeah, you screwed up, Cole
Ethan
Fuck off, Indiana Jones!
Rafe
Ooh testy
Cas
For crying out loud, Cole, even I couldn’t save this!
Nate
Wow, tell me you’re dense without telling me you’re dense
Arch
^^ right?! I thought the oldest was supposed to be the smartest?
Me
I didn’t want her to think I was being a controlling dick! Now I don’t know if she will even talk to me
Arch
I have the perfect solution!
Rafe
Here we go…
Arch
We ‘observe’ the date from a distance, so we can hear what they’re talking about
Nate
You want to spy on Lacey??
Cas
I’m not sure I want to be involved in this
Ethan
Pussy! I’m down
Rafe
You would be, but I don’t wanna miss out…so I’m in!
Nate
Fuck it, me too! Cas, you’re in because the majority votes yes
Cas
Emmy is going to kill me…
Ethan
Just don’t tell her *shrugging gif*
Cas
She’s my wife?!...Ok I’m in
Arch
It’s settled then. Cole send the details over, we can meet at my place
I type out the details of where she’s going to be and the time and hit send, shaking my head as I do. I know this is a bad idea, it’s Archie’s after all, but still, I am going to go through with it.
Me
There…I’m going to regret this, aren’t I?
Arch
Not one bit! Operation Eye Spy is a go! Oh, and Cas, do you tell Emmy everything?
Cas
*winking emoji*
Arch
Wait! Everything??? Even that thing…
I close out of the chat, knowing that it will continue for a while.
I need some breakfast and to get ready to spy on my best friend with her non-date, the father of her baby, all the while wanting and wishing it were me who was on a date with her.
Hopefully, she will never find out about this stupid fucking idea.
One thing is certain: I need to get my act together, because if Ted charms Lacey, then I may have lost my chance.