I want him
Hey hiii mayawiyans!!!
????hope you all don't cry??
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I couldn't move.
Couldn't blink.
Couldn't even wipe away the tears that had begun sliding silently down my cheeks.
Arav's voice had become quieter now, almost as though he wasn't speaking to me anymore.
He was speaking to those memories.
"I was completely stunned that night, Ma'am."
His gaze remained fixed somewhere beyond the room.
"I had seen Sir angry."
"I had seen him bleeding."
"I had even seen him kill without his hands shaking."
"But..."
"I had never seen him like that."
He swallowed hard.
"I ran toward him."
"The knife was still in his hand."
"There was blood everywhere."
"So much blood..."
His own voice trembled.
"I thought he'd panic."
"I thought he'd wake up."
"I thought he'd at least react."
A bitter smile crossed his lips.
"He didn't."
"He simply..."
"...looked past me."
"As if I wasn't even standing there."
I held my breath.
"He quietly turned around."
"Walked back to his bed."
"And lay down."
"Blood kept dripping from his hand onto the white bedsheet..."
"...yet he didn't even look at it."
"...as though the pain belonged to someone else."
My heart stopped.
The room around me blurred.
No...
Not again.
The memory crashed into me without warning.
Two nights ago...
I had seen the exact same thing.
The same vacant expression.
The same unconscious movements.
The same blood.
The same knife.
The same whispered pleas.
"Don't leave me..."
"Kitten..."
"Please..."
My stomach twisted violently.
My fingers curled into my palms.
I had thought it was something that had started recently.
Something caused by stress.
Something temporary.
But...
It wasn't.
It had been happening for years.
Years.
A painful lump formed inside my throat.
I remembered snatching the knife away from him.
Remembered hugging him tightly while he kept whispering those words.
Remembered the terror in his unconscious face.
And now...
I realized...
That hadn't been the first time.
Not even close.
Arav continued speaking.
"I cleaned his wounds."
"I changed the bedsheets."
"I stayed beside him until morning."
"When Sir finally woke up..."
A helpless laugh escaped him.
"He looked at the bandages..."
"...and asked me what had happened."
I slowly lifted my head.
"What...?"
Arav nodded.
"He genuinely didn't know."
"He couldn't remember anything."
"I stared at him for nearly five minutes."
"I thought..."
"...maybe he was pretending."
"So I asked him."
"'Sir... do you remember last night?'"
"He frowned."
"'Last night?'"
"'Nothing happened.'"
"'Why?'"
Arav closed his eyes.
"That's when I realized..."
"...he had absolutely no memory of hurting himself."
A cold shiver ran through my body.
No memory...
He never remembered.
No wonder...
When I had found him that night...
He had looked completely confused after waking up.
He hadn't been acting.
He truly didn't know.
Arav rubbed both hands over his face before continuing.
"I convinced myself it had just been a nightmare."
"A one-time incident."
"I hoped it would never happen again."
His smile disappeared.
"I was wrong."
"It happened again."
"And again."
"And again."
"Slowly..."
"Sir started changing."
"He'd spend hours pacing around the penthouse."
"Sometimes he'd stand in front of the balcony for an entire night."
"Sometimes he'd talk to himself."
"Sometimes he'd suddenly stop whatever he was doing..."
"...and stare at absolutely nothing."
"He avoided everyone."
"He barely ate."
"He barely slept."
"And whenever he did sleep..."
"I became terrified."
"Because I never knew what I'd find the next morning."
My breathing had become shallow.
Each sentence tightened something inside my chest.
I had spent two years convincing myself that he had forgotten me.
Moved on.
Lived happily.
But according to Arav...
He hadn't been living at all.
He had only been surviving.
Barely.
Arav lowered his head.
"A whole year passed like that."
"Then..."
He stopped.
His jaw clenched.
"One morning..."
"...Sir disappeared."
I looked up immediately.
"What do you mean... disappeared?"
"He vanished."
"No calls."
"No messages."
"No bodyguards."
"No Arav."
"No business."
"No one knew where he had gone."
"Not even me."
"Virendra Sir searched everywhere."
"Every hotel."
"Every farmhouse."
"Every private property."
"He even informed people in other cities."
"There was no trace."
"Reyansh Sir searched too."
"I've never seen him that restless."
"We all thought..."
His voice cracked.
"...that this time..."
"...we had lost him forever."
A tear escaped my eyes.
For the first time...
I found myself wondering where he had gone during that missing year.
And for the first time...
I was terrified of hearing the answer.
My head snapped up.
"What...?"
My voice barely came out.
"Reyansh bhai knew?"
Even I couldn't recognize how broken I sounded.
Arav nodded slowly.
"He knew, Ma'am."
"He searched for Sir everywhere."
"He and Virendra Sir left no place unchecked."
"They even involved people who owed Sir favors."
"But no one could find him."
I stared at him.
No...
That wasn't possible.
If Bhai knew...
Then why?
Why didn't he tell me?
Why did he let me believe that Rivan had simply forgotten me?
A thousand questions crashed into my mind at once, leaving me unable to think.
My throat tightened painfully.
I remembered every single day I had cried in London.
Every night I had stared at my phone, hoping...
Just hoping...
That somehow he would call.
That someone would tell me he wanted me back.
Instead...
There had only been silence.
And all this time...
Everyone had been searching for him.
A tear escaped before I could stop it.
Arav continued quietly.
"After almost three months..."
"I finally found him."
I immediately looked at him.
"Where?"
"He wasn't in Rajasthan anymore."
"He had left everything behind."
"He was living in a completely different state."
My heartbeat accelerated.
"He had buried himself so deep inside the underworld..."
"...that even people from our own network couldn't trace him."
I felt sick.
Giving orders...
Running board meetings...
Slowly disappeared.
Instead...
Another image formed.
A darker one.
A lonelier one.
Arav's expression hardened as he remembered those days.
"He wasn't living."
"He was surviving."
"He would eliminate rival syndicate leaders during secret meetings."
"He handled illegal weapons moving across state borders in the middle of the night."
"He managed underground gambling networks that financed powerful crime bosses."
"He led raids on rival hideouts himself."
"He never sent anyone else."
"He always went personally."
"He never cared whether he came back alive."
Every word landed like another weight on my chest.
I couldn't imagine him...
Not because he wasn't capable of those things.
I knew exactly how dangerous Rivan Thakur was.
But because...
He never used to chase death.
Now...
It sounded like he was inviting it.
Almost begging for it.
My fingers tightened around the armrest.
For the first time...
Arav smiled sadly.
"He ignored me."
"Completely."
"I spoke."
"He walked away."
"I followed."
"He told me to leave."
"I refused."
"He threatened me."
"I still refused."
Despite everything...
A tiny smile almost appeared on my face.
That sounded exactly like Arav.
"He finally looked at me..."
"...and said..."
Those words shattered something inside me.
Peace.
Was that all he had wanted?
Arav sighed.
"I told him..."
"'Then I'll stay with you until you find it.'"
"He didn't answer."
"But..."
"He never asked me to leave again."
"So I stayed."
His eyes slowly lowered.
"The mornings were normal."
"He worked."
"He spoke."
"He gave orders."
"He looked exactly like the Rivan everyone feared."
"But every night..."
His voice became quieter.
"...he became someone else."
I felt goosebumps spread across my arms.
"What do you mean?"
"He stopped sleeping properly."
"He would wake up drenched in sweat."
"Sometimes he would sit on the floor for hours."
"Sometimes he would keep whispering someone's name."
My breathing became uneven.
I already knew whose name it was.
Even before he said it.
"He kept saying..."
"'dont leave me.'"
The room fell silent.
I closed my eyes.
A tear rolled down my cheek.
"He kept asking someone..."
"'Why didn't you pick up my calls?'"
"'Please don't leave me.'"
"'Come back.'"
"'I'm sorry.'"
My lips trembled violently.
No...
No...
Please stop...
I couldn't listen anymore.
Yet I couldn't stop listening either.
Arav continued.
"One night..."
"I found him sitting on the floor again."
"The knife was in his hand."
"There was blood everywhere."
"He didn't even realize he was hurting himself."
"That's when I forced him to see a doctor."
I slowly wiped my tears.
"And...?"
Arav inhaled deeply.
"The doctor examined him for hours."
"He spoke to Sir."
"He spoke to me separately."
"When he came out..."
"I'll never forget what he said."
Arav looked directly into my eyes.
"He told me Sir wasn't just grieving."
"He was carrying severe psychological trauma."
"He believed the self-harm wasn't done consciously..."
"...but during episodes where overwhelming guilt, emotional suppression, and years of untreated stress completely took over."
"He suspected dissociative episodes."
"He said Sir's mind had begun separating unbearable emotions from reality."
"He warned me that every wound wasn't an attempt to die..."
"...it was his mind trying to control pain it could no longer carry."
I stopped breathing.
"He prescribed medication."
"He recommended intensive therapy."
"He said healing would take time."
"Maybe years."
"And then..."
Arav lowered his eyes.
"He looked at me and said..."
"'Medicines may help his mind.'"
"'Therapy may help his memories.'"
"'But if the reason behind his guilt never heals...'"