Chapter 22 Ransom
RANSOM
Ransom sat by the fireplace with the kids on Christmas Day, feeling a little awkward, a little sad, and a lot grateful.
Willow and Jensen sat on the sofa behind him, with Jensen’s little boy, Henry, asleep on Willow’s chest. The three of them looked so happy and content.
Surprising his baby sister by inviting her boyfriend over for Christmas had made Ransom feel really good, even though seeing the two of them together was definitely weird, since her boyfriend was also his best friend.
He was learning that it was one thing to talk about acceptance and another to walk the walk.
But if he wanted to open his heart to the people who mattered most to him and make a good example for Travis and Mae, then he was going to have to get a lot more comfortable feeling uncomfortable.
And it was especially nice for the kids to have their aunt here, since Mom and Aunt Rhonda hadn’t made it down after all.
“Why isn’t Hailey here?” Mae asked suddenly, crawling into Ransom’s lap.
“Oh,” he said. “Well, I’m sure she’s got things to do today, and she’s happy to be home again.”
“Hailey?” Willow asked quietly from the sofa.
“Yeah,” he said. “Her power went out and Henrietta had her pups in her barn. She wound up trekking over here with Henrietta and the puppies the night the storm started.”
“But she’s afraid of dogs,” Willow said. “Like really afraid.”
“Yeah,” Ransom said. “But not anymore, I guess, at least not of Henrietta.”
“She must care about you a lot to face her fears that way,” Jensen said.
“She used to be his girlfriend,” Travis pointed out.
“But then they broke up,” Mae added sadly.
“Okay, okay,” Ransom said. “We don’t have to talk about that.”
“You do know you can always just get back together, right?” Willow reminded him with a smile in her voice.
“She’s seeing someone,” Ransom told her, shrugging. “I’m not going to get in her way. I hurt her once. And what do I have to offer compared to some TV star?”
“You have us,” Travis said solemnly.
“She likes us,” Mae put in cheerfully.
“That’s true,” Ransom said. “Well, maybe she’ll remember that and change her mind about the other guy. Now who wants Christmas cookies?”
Obviously, everyone wanted cookies. But he couldn’t help noticing that the kids seemed to prefer the chocolate chippers they had made with Hailey over the beautiful Christmas cookies Willow brought over.
Thoughts of Hailey had haunted him all day, no matter how many carols they sang or funny old stories of past Christmases they told to the kids while they devoured their snacks.
And the more time that passed, the more certain he was of exactly what he needed to do to make this Christmas absolutely perfect.
“Hey,” he said quietly to Willow. “Is there any chance you could stay with these guys while I run out for a bit?”
It felt a little like when he’d asked Hailey to watch the kids and left in a hurry yesterday.
Am I that guy who runs out into the snow to get all emotional now?
But he had a feeling this was his last time, one way or the other.
“Of course,” she said. “Take as long as you need.”
He had no idea if she already knew where he was headed, but suddenly he felt like he couldn’t bear to wait another moment before telling Hailey what was in his heart.
“I’ll be right back, guys,” he told the kids as he headed to the door to pull on his boots and coat.
Pushing open the front door, he was met with a crisp breeze and the glittering sight of the sun reflecting in the icicles that hung from the porch roof.
The fields all around were thick with snow. The driveway, the path to the barn for the dogs, and the one he had carved through the line of pine trees were the only places a man could walk without being hip deep in it.
Good thing there’s no place else I want to go.
He didn’t harbor any great expectations about what was going to happen when he got to the farmhouse.
Hailey probably wouldn’t be too happy to see him. And she might even be offended at what he told her.
For all he knew, Caspian had made it down from New York now that the roads were cleared, and he would be interrupting their Christmas together.
But Ransom knew better than most people that there were no guarantees in life. Hailey was right here, right now. And if he didn’t say his piece, he might never get another chance.
And if she’s alone, even if she doesn’t feel the same, she shouldn’t spend the whole day by herself.
The familiar sight of the snow-frosted farmhouse where he had grown up tugged at his heart. Hailey Sinclair could have bought any house she wanted—a penthouse in the city, a beach bungalow on the west coast, or a fancy home in any exotic location in the world.
But she had chosen the house where they had fallen in love.
It doesn’t have to mean anything, he reminded himself.
But deep down, he felt that it did.
He jogged up the front steps and knocked on the front door before he lost his nerve.
A moment later, it opened to reveal Hailey.
She looked as beautiful as ever in a pair of green and red flannel pajamas. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a ponytail with tendrils escaping to curl slightly around her elegant neck.
Her blue eyes looked brighter than ever, but it was because they were swollen and rimmed in red.
“Hailey,” he said softly, forgetting the reason he had come. “What’s wrong?”
“Oh, I’m fine, Ransom,” she said. “Merry Christmas.”
“Merry Christmas,” he echoed.
“What’s up?” she asked.
He took a deep breath, wondering if he should try and get her to tell him what was wrong before he burdened her with his feelings.
But he was starting to realize that life had a way of flying past whether or not he was ready.
“Look, I know you’re with Caspian,” he said quickly. “And I respect that. I’m happy for you, if he’s the man you want.”
She frowned at him, her head tilting slightly in a way that reminded him of the pups.
“But I have to tell you something, Hailey,” he soldiered on. “I have feelings for you, big feelings. I love you. I’ve always loved you, and I always will. That’s it. That’s what I came here to say. If you never want to see me again, I get it.”
“No,” she said softly, shaking her head.
“I do, Hailey,” he told her, nodding. “And I know you might not want to hear it, but you deserve to know the truth.”
“I mean, no, I’m not with Caspian,” she said.
He opened his mouth and closed it again.
“Why would you think I was?” she asked.
“Have you not been online since you got back here?” he asked.
“Not really,” she admitted. “My home internet hasn’t been set up yet, and I’ve mostly just been… trying to organize the house. I haven’t been on my phone today.”
Has she been crying?
“Look,” he told her, pulling out his own phone to show her the pictures.
“Oh,” she said after a moment. “Oh, wow.”
“You really didn’t know about this?” he asked.
“I’ve been sitting on the sofa feeling sorry for myself,” she said, pointing to the sofa, which was covered in crumpled tissues. “I thought I did something wrong and you didn’t like me anymore. You were being so closed-off.”
“I thought you had a boyfriend,” he said, feeling stupid as soon as the words came out of his mouth.
“Well, it reminded me a lot of the day you broke up with me,” she said softly. “Your face got closed-off like that and you just said you didn’t want anything serious.”
“Oh,” he said.
“And then you married the next girl you dated,” she said. “So I knew that you did want something serious, you just didn’t want it with me.”
There was just the tiniest bit of growly jealousy in her voice that he would have loved to hear if he hadn’t been feeling the weight of the pain he had caused her.
“You really don’t know why I actually broke up with you?” he asked her.
Her eyes flashed to his again and she shook her head.
“You’re the most talented person I’ve ever known,” he told her honestly.
“I was just some guy with no plans. I didn’t want to hold you back.
I knew if I asked you to marry me, you would stay right here and you’d never chase your dreams. You had to go to New York and share your talent with the world. ”
“And you thought you were the right person to make that decision about my life?” she asked him, fire in her beautiful eyes. “You thought you should make it for me?”
He hadn’t really thought about it that way.
“I… Hailey, I’m sorry,” he said, feeling her pain like a hammer in the chest.
“You hurt me, Ransom,” she told him. “And you didn’t even tell me the truth about why.”
“I know,” he admitted, his eyes on the floor now as shame washed over him.
“And now you want to tell me that you love me?” she asked him.
“I’m sorry, Hailey,” he told her softly.
“I never stopped loving you.” Her voice was soft but crystal clear. “But I really wanted to.”
“I don’t blame you,” he said, meeting her eyes again.
Hope kept trying to curl its claws into his heart, but there was something in her voice, an edge he’d never heard before…
“And now you say you love me too,” she went on. “But I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t respect me enough to talk to me.”
He wanted to fall to his knees and beg her to change her mind.
But she was right.
“I understand,” he told her. “I’ve been an idiot, not just back then, but now too. I don’t deserve you.”
“Not if you won’t fight for me,” she said, shaking her head and moving to close the door.
“Wait,” he said, placing his hand against it.
Her eyebrows lifted, but she didn’t fight him.
“I will fight for you, Hailey,” he told her. “I want to fight for you, but I don’t want to fight with you. Tell me how to make this right.”
Her beautiful blue eyes filled with hope for a moment, but then her expression shut down, and suddenly he knew exactly how she had felt every time he closed her out of what was in his heart.
“That’s something you’re going to have to figure out for yourself, Ransom,” she said quietly.
He nodded and backed away so that she could close the door again.
Turning to look out over the fields where he had grown up, he searched his heart for how to make Hailey know that he was capable of growing for her.
His feet carried him back through the pines and all the way to the small barn as he thought and thought.
Spending time taking care of the dogs always brought him back to himself. Maybe in their company he could find a way to show her who he wanted to be for her.
An hour later, he sat on a quilt on the barn floor with two of the three-month old puppies asleep on his lap.
Visiting with the animals, doing some basic obedience and grooming, and checking on Henrietta and her babies as they enjoyed the cozy whelping bed, all made him feel more centered again.
Caring for the dogs, and for the kids, and for the A-frame with its fields and outbuildings always brought him a sense of peace.
Caring for Hailey used to make him feel the same way.
Whether it was bringing her an armload of wildflowers after she botched a quiz, or asking her to the dance with the help of his friends playing the acoustic guitar and singing her favorite song, or even just taking her for a long walk through the fields and listening to her dream about the play or the upcoming school break, being good to her always made him happy.
All these years, he had thought of breaking up with Hailey as the most caring thing he had ever done for her. He had sacrificed his very heart to ensure her happiness.
But she didn’t choose it. And she didn’t know why.
He also had to come to terms with the fact that he clearly hadn’t understood the depth of her feelings for him.
In his eyes, Hailey Sinclair was just passing some time in high school with him, but she was destined for greater things.
He was just a farm boy with a struggling single mom and a baby sister to look out for.
He didn’t have the means to follow her to the city or provide for her while she chased her dreams.
All these years, he had hated himself for being broken by what should have been puppy love for the girl whose hand he’d barely held, the girl whose destiny was so different from his own.
Did she really feel the way I did?
If she did, it was hard to face what he had done.
And I didn’t even give her a choice.
If she had loved him the way he’d loved her, then she would probably never forgive him.
He slid his phone out of his pocket. He wasn’t about to knock on her door again, but he needed to make sure she understood that he was thinking about everything she had told him, and that he was trying to learn from what he had done to them both.
Without knowing exactly what he was going to say, he started tapping out a message.
Hailey, you’re right. I’ve been heartbroken all this time over leaving you. But I never realized you were heartbroken too.
I always thought you were way too good for me. I still do.
I knew that great things were waiting for you, and I thought you were excited to see what the world had in store.
Right now, I’m sitting with the knowledge that your feelings for me were deeper than I thought.
That maybe they were an awful lot like mine for you.
And if you felt the way I did, then you had a hard time sleeping for a long time after our break-up.
If you felt the way I did, then you also had a hard time opening your heart to anyone else, and it impacted every relationship you’ve had since me.
And if you felt the way I did, and you didn’t even know why, then you felt things I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I’ll never forgive myself for what I did, so I can’t expect you to forgive me either.
And I know that what you want right now is space.
But if you ever change your mind, I will be right here.
And Hailey Sinclair, I will always, always love you.
He was no poet, and he was pretty sure his words would only make her angrier. But he hit send before he could change his mind. At least he was being honest with her now about his feelings, and letting her make her own decisions instead of assuming he knew what was best for her.
How could I have been so stupid?
His phone chirped to say the text was sent just as he headed for the barn door.
The chirp echoed faintly from the other side of the door, and when he slid it open, there was Hailey.
Her hair glowed softly in the outside light like a halo and her eyes were brighter than ever.
“Hailey,” he murmured.
“Don’t you ever shut down on me again,” she told him firmly. “Not ever.”
“Never,” he told her. “I promise—”
But she was flowing into his arms before he could finish, hugging him so tightly and weeping into his chest.
He held her close, pressing his lips to the crown of her head, and when she finally loosened her hold on him, he pulled back and cupped her cheek in his hand.
Her blue eyes were wet with tears, but she was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. And when he bent to kiss her he wondered if she could hear the wild beating of his broken heart coming back to life.