Chapter 33
If Merritt hadn’t had the branch of the upcoming baby shower to cling on to, she would’ve been fully swallowed by the emotional quicksand of the days that followed.
Even though planning wasn’t her strong suit, somehow everything seemed to come together.
She flew in Olivia’s out-of-town friends the night before, putting them up in an Airbnb within walking distance of Olivia and Dev’s, and negotiated with her mother to arrive just before it started, so she wouldn’t miss the last part of her conference.
All in all, it looked like there would be at least thirty people there.
She hadn’t been able to bring herself to spend another night at her house since Niko left.
On the bright side, though, spending more time at Olivia’s had thawed their relationship considerably.
They’d even had breakfast together that morning, Merritt making them oatmeal exactly the way Olivia liked it—banana walnut with extra cinnamon.
An hour later, she was strolling through the local grocery store, grabbing the last few things she needed before the shower that afternoon.
At the bakery counter, she picked up the custom cupcakes she’d ordered and paid the expedited fee to make sure they were finished on time; the letters spelled out Enjoy Your Babies.
She cut through the small pharmacy section on the way to the checkout, but as she passed by the tampons, she stopped short.
When was the last time she’d had her period?
She pulled out her phone and opened her calendar, which wasn’t that helpful because she wasn’t great about tracking it, but as soon as she started scrolling, she knew it had been at least six weeks, since before SummerFest.
Fuck. Fuck.
Her cycle wasn’t the most regular, and she’d gone longer than that without a period before for no real reason—though it had been a while, especially now that she took better care of herself.
She stood in front of the pregnancy tests, feeling like someone had filled her shoes with cement.
If she bought one here, now, the odds of gossip spreading were pretty good. She considered driving an hour to the bigger pharmacy in Silverton, or maybe ordering one online, but now that it was in her head, she couldn’t bear the idea of waiting one second longer than she needed to.
As she went to check out, she saw that the only register was staffed by Diedre, Bruce’s teenage daughter.
Merritt had always liked Diedre, and hoped she could count on her adolescent indifference to keep her safe.
Sure enough, Diedre barely gave the test a second glance as she rang up Merritt’s items, cracking her gum and delivering her total in a bored monotone.
When she got back to the house, she placed her shopping bags on the counter, but her phone buzzed before she could start unpacking.
It was a text from her mother: Missed my flight. Tell Olivia I’m sorry.
She’d barely finished reading it before she hit the callback button.
“Merritt?” her mother said mildly when she picked up the phone.
“Are you still at the airport?” Merritt was already barging down the hallway into her bedroom, shoving her laptop open.
“Yes, but—”
“Hold on.” Merritt tapped on her keyboard.
There were no direct flights from Boston, and her mother had missed the only one with the connection from Denver to the tiny Silverton airport, but there were plenty to Denver alone.
“I’m booking you on the next flight to Denver, and I’ll schedule a car to bring you here. ”
“How long is the drive?”
“Four hours.”
Her mother sighed. “So a five-hour plane ride, and then another four hours in the car, just to miss it? I don’t know, Merritt…I’m already exhausted from this weekend. Why don’t I just head home now, and soon enough I’ll be there for her twenty-four seven if she needs it.”
“Because she needs you to be here for her now,” Merritt hissed.
“We already switched it to today to accommodate you. It doesn’t matter if you’re late.
All that matters is that you make a fucking effort, because for some inexplicable reason, Olivia still thinks you’re capable of it.
” She heard her mother make a noise of indignation, but Merritt cut her off.
“Your boarding pass is in your email. I’ll see you tonight.
” She hung up the phone before her mother had the chance to say anything else.
Merritt sat on the end of her bed, head in her hands, taking a few long, deep breaths, calming herself down as best she could before she stepped back into the hallway.
The effort turned out to be pointless, though, because as soon as she saw Olivia standing next to the half-unpacked grocery bags, her posture rigid, Merritt’s blood pressure skyrocketed again.
“What is this?” Olivia asked, quiet and strained. Even without seeing it, Merritt knew exactly what she was holding.
Merritt froze in place, their eyes locked.
“Are you pregnant?” Olivia’s voice was trembling.
“Um. I don’t know. That’s why I bought it.” She moved forward, awkwardly navigating around Olivia, who was holding the box like it was radioactive. “I didn’t mean for you to—”
“Take it. Take it right now.” Olivia thrust it into her hands. Merritt took it, then looked back up at her sister.
“Are you sure?”
Olivia’s face went bright red. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
It seemed like the path of least resistance, so, without a word, Merritt opened the box, pulling out the test and instructions. Olivia trailed after her, stationing herself outside the bathroom door as Merritt shut it.
She unfolded the instructions with shaking hands, reading them three times before she was able to internalize the complex process of “pee on this end.”
When she was done, she realized she’d left her phone in her room. “Can you set a timer for fifteen minutes?” she called through the door.
“Are you just going to sit in there the whole time?” Olivia replied.
“Yes. I’m scared of you.”
“You should be,” said Olivia, and Merritt barked out a humorless laugh. When she opened the door, though, the look on Olivia’s face was deadly serious.
The two of them stood there, backs against either side of the narrow hall. Olivia shut her eyes, resting her hands on her stomach.
“Were you…were you using protection?”
“Of course we were,” said Merritt indignantly. Even as she said it, though, her mind drifted to the few exceptions.
Her lifelong search to find birth control that agreed with her was still inconclusive; everything hormonal she’d tried had messed with her mood too much, and her brief fling with a copper IUD had made her periods excruciating.
He’d never finished inside her without a condom, and never complained about wearing one—understandably, given his own history—but once they’d gotten their test results back, they hadn’t been 100 percent careful 100 percent of the time.
Her guilt and trepidation must have been clearly visible on her face, because Olivia’s darkened. “Are you really still that fucking irresponsible?”
Merritt threw her hands up. “What, you’ve never gotten caught up in the moment?”
“Actually, no, I haven’t.”
“Well, congratulations on being perfect.”
“Thanks; congratulations on being thirty-five and still a huge fuckup,” Olivia snarled.
Merritt blanched, absorbing the impact like it was a physical blow.
Olivia had never, ever talked to her like that, but it was like she’d finally tapped into the current running underneath their relationship for years, shocking them both to the bone.
“When are you going to grow up?” Olivia continued, her voice rising, her face scarlet again.
“We get it, you didn’t get to be a real teenager, so now we all have to suffer through your permanent fucking adolescence.
I hope you are pregnant; maybe then you’ll have to finally think about someone other than yourself. ”
Merritt opened and closed her mouth, trying to form a response, but she was underwater, gasping for air. She blinked fast, wiping furiously at the corners of her eyes, doing everything she could to stop the tears from falling. “I’m trying—”
“Are you? Are you trying? Getting knocked up from your little summer fling, the two of you running around for months without a care in the fucking world. You still don’t live in reality. Your actions have consequences, you know.”
“It wasn’t just a fling,” Merritt said, finally shouting back. “I was in love with him, and I’m fucking heartbroken. Are you happy?”
“No, I’m not happy, are you even listening to me?
” Olivia was crying now, too, not bothering to wipe her tears away.
“Our whole lives, everything has been about you. You, you, you. All the attention when you were doing well, all the sympathy when you were doing badly. You can’t even let me have this.
You have to upstage me yet another fucking time. ”
Merritt scoffed, a harsh, guttural noise in the back of her throat. “You think I did this to upstage you? Trust me, I wasn’t even thinking about you.”
“I know you weren’t, that’s the fucking point! You never are! You never fucking have!” Olivia’s voice was shrill, echoing through the tiny hallway. She clapped her hand over her mouth and shut her eyes tightly, tears streaming down her face, breathing slowly, trying to calm herself.
Even after everything she’d said, all Merritt wanted to do was wrap her arms around her sister until she stopped crying.
But instead, she just watched, lost for words, as Olivia sank down to the floor, her back against the wall, head dropping back, expression blank, eyes closing.
When she spoke again, it was in a soft rasp.
“Do you have any idea what it was like, getting that call?”
Merritt’s heart plunged into her stomach.
They’d never talked about that night. Not really.