Chapter 33 #2
Merritt had woken up with Olivia curled next to her in that tiny hospital bed, arms wrapped around each other like they were back in the womb again.
But as time passed, everyone had tiptoed around her before moving on, and she’d apologized to Olivia over and over about this or that meaningless scratch without ever addressing the gaping, unhealed wound at the core of their relationship.
Olivia, betrayed, terrified, exhausted from the years she’d already spent prematurely grieving her sister, wondering if they’d ever even known each other at all.
Merritt, too trapped inside herself to realize that when she hurt herself, she was hurting Olivia, too.
That specific flavor of guilt that she’d gotten so good at pushing down—the understanding of how close she’d come to letting her sister walk around incomplete for the rest of her life—surged through her, so overpowering she felt bile rise to her throat.
Olivia’s arms wrapped protectively around her stomach, seemingly involuntarily, and in that moment, Merritt understood the vast, existential fear Olivia must feel for her children. Everything that was coming that she couldn’t protect them from. The world. Each other. Themselves.
“I’m sorry,” Merritt said quietly, even though she knew that couldn’t begin to cover the depth of it. “I didn’t know you still thought about it.” Which was a stupid thing to say, and she deserved the incredulous look Olivia shot her in return.
“Of course I do.” All the anger had drained out of her, leaving her looking exhausted, slumped against the wall, her words sluggish.
“I have nightmares about it all the time.” She met Merritt’s eyes.
“I did even before it happened. Not that, specifically. But that you were…” She swallowed, glancing away again.
“It didn’t seem like you wanted help, or wanted to get better.
It felt like I was watching this slow-motion crash, and I was just standing there, paralyzed.
I was always on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I wished it would all just…stop. And then, when I found out what happened… it almost felt like I caused it.”
Tears sprang to Merritt’s eyes again, but this time she allowed them to fall down her cheeks.
“Oh, Liv,” she said, sinking to the ground, too, her hand pressed to her aching heart, like that would help.
“I have nightmares about it, too. Where you’re the one who found me.
I’m so sorry. I don’t even have the words for how sorry I am.
Just know that I can never, ever forgive myself for doing that to you. ”
Olivia shook her head, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “I don’t want that, either.”
“What, then? What can I do?”
“I just want you here,” Olivia said, her voice thick with fresh sobs. “I missed you so much this summer.”
Merritt’s throat tightened. “I missed you, too. I’m sorry I abandoned you.”
Olivia shook her head, even more emphatically this time.
“No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you away over…
” Olivia trailed off, pressing her sleeves to both her eyes and taking a deep, congested breath.
“I was just scared for you both. I love you so much, Merritt. It’s painful to see you self-destruct.
And I…I was worried you might leave. If things blew up between you. ”
Merritt’s brow furrowed. “Leave?”
“Yeah. I mean, you only moved here in the first place because of your divorce, right?”
“Olivia.” Merritt said it as firmly as she could, forcing her sister to meet her gaze before she continued. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m here, and I’m here for you. I’m sorry for ever making you doubt it.”
Olivia’s face crumpled, and she buried her face in her hands again. Merritt got to her knees, crawling to the opposite wall so they were finally sitting side by side. Olivia rested her head on Merritt’s shoulder, and she lay her own on top of it.
“Once the babies get here, everything’s going to change. My whole life. All my relationships. I feel so fucking unprepared. There’s going to be two of them, for fuck’s sake. I think I’ve been projecting that anxiety onto everything else. Especially you.”
Merritt nodded. “I get it. It scares me, too. But I don’t think any parent ever feels prepared. I have zero doubt that once they get here, and we meet them, you’re going to know exactly what to do. And they’re going to be amazing, and perfect, because you and Dev made them.”
Olivia let out a choked sob. “You think?”
“I know.”
She reached over and took Olivia’s hand, squeezing it firmly. Olivia squeezed back, then tilted her head enough to meet Merritt’s eyes. “I’m sorry I said all those things. They were really mean. That’s not how I feel about you.”
“It’s okay. I deserved some of them. And I’m blaming the rest on hormones.”
“I just…I know you’ve been through hell. I know that. But…” Olivia sighed heavily. “I do still get jealous of you sometimes. I don’t want to, but I do.”
Merritt jerked her head up in surprise. “Of me? Liv, my life is a fucking mess. You’re the one who’s always had it all together. The relationship, and the degrees, and the career, and the fifteen-year plan. I feel so lost compared to you.”
“Well, I feel so boring compared to you.”
Merritt let out a teary honk of laughter. “Boring sounds incredible right about now.”
Both their gazes drifted to Olivia’s phone at the reminder, which started beeping as if on cue. Merritt scrambled to her feet, her heart throbbing in her ears, and picked the test up off the counter. Her vision swam with black spots, and she blinked them away.
Olivia hovered over her shoulder, and they took it in together: twin pink lines, standing side by side, not unlike the two of them.
Positive.
Merritt glanced up at her sister, her heart in her throat.
Olivia took the test out of her hand, placed it on the counter, and pulled Merritt into a hug so tight and fierce that she was worried they might flatten her future nieces.