Chapter 30
Joel, Jesse, and Fillis showed up at the playground first and chose a quiet spot under a tree. It was close enough to the playground where they could watch the kids play, but far enough away so they could talk without being overheard.
Joel was nervous. He’d always known he would have to come to terms with what had happened if he were ever to cross over and be with Emma and the boys, but it was painful just to think about. He wasn’t even sure how he was going to say it out loud.
All three smiled when they saw Lucy approach. Her mere presence was such a breath of fresh air, metaphorically anyway. They all felt blessed to have her around, after so many years of being around only other spirits.
Lucy smiled warmly at all of them. Her eyes lingered on Jesse. “Hello, Rebel-of-my-heart.”
Jesse grinned, honored to be singled out. “Hello, my beautiful rose.” He stood up, like a gentleman should when a lady is present. He bowed and tipped his hat, still annoyed that he couldn’t remove it for her.
Joel wrinkled his nose, but couldn’t hide the amusement in his eyes. “Aw, man. You two aren’t going to get all gooey and lovey-dovey on me, are you?”
“Count on it,” Lucy said, blowing Jesse a kiss. Jesse “caught” it with his hand, then placed his hand dramatically over his heart.
Joel leaned over and made a loud, exaggerated vomiting noise. Lucy burst out laughing.
Lucy sat down on the grass, and Jesse sat next to her as close as possible. She felt his eyes on her as she straightened out her black work skirt to cover her legs. She also caught him looking down her blouse, trying to catch a glimpse of her cleavage. Had anyone else done it, she would have felt self-conscious. With Jesse, she felt desired. Though Lucy loved when she caught Jesse looking at her body, she was careful not to tease him too much. She didn’t know how strong the sex drive was for ghosts, but she knew he had no physical way to satisfy his urges.
But Lucy did. Many times, late at night, she would close her eyes and think of Jesse. She’d imagine unbuttoning his uniform and finally being able to see his manly chest. She fantasized about what it would feel like to run her hands down his chest, then stroke him between his legs. It would be so wonderful to touch him in ways that no other woman ever had. Her favorite fantasy involved Jesse pushing her down on the bed, kissing her passionately, then finally spreading her legs and pushing himself inside her. Hard. Often, Lucy would close her eyes and stroke herself, imagining what it would feel like to have Jesse pounding into her. When she gave herself an orgasm, she quietly cried out his name.
Lucy looked into Jesse’s eyes. He grinned at her, unabashed at being caught looking at her figure. She also caught Joel grinning at the two of them, as if he could read their minds. Lucy blushed and looked away.
“Thank you, guys, for being with me today. I feel like I can trust you with what I have to say, even though it won’t be easy to talk about.”
“Take your time, Joel,” Lucy said softly.
Joel smiled gratefully. Then he looked down at the ground, not wanting to look at anyone while he made his confession.
“I cheated on Emma,” Joel said, barely audible. He continued looking down as he waited for the news to sink in.
Lucy exchanged a stunned look with Jesse but was quick to change her expression. Her mind was reeling with Joel’s words, but she didn’t want to make him feel worse. He needed help and support, not judgment.
“I did it three times,” Joel said, his voice thick with emotion. Lucy didn’t know if spirits could cry real tears, but Joel was definitely on the verge. “I-I mean it wasn’t three women. It was all in one week. Three times. Same girl. A fancy girl.”
“Prostitute,” Jesse quietly explained to Lucy.
Lucy nodded. She stared at Joel, who was still looking at the ground. She couldn’t help but feel disappointed. The love of Joel and Emma Casey was the stuff of legend around here. Theirs was a fairytale, if tragically doomed romance. Joel lit up every time he spoke of her. Lucy had been so inspired by Joel’s marriage. It had helped make her believe in love again after the psychological damage that Eric had done to her. What did this mean? Was nothing sacred?
The pain on Joel’s face was excruciating. Yes, he’d cheated. And he’d clearly spent the last 150-plus years torturing himself for it. Compassion flooded through Lucy. He’d suffered enough as far as she was concerned.
“That’s why you’re still here,” she said gently.
Joel finally dared to lift his head. He looked immensely relieved to hear her gentle tone, as if he’d expected her to be angry with him. That plaintive look of gratitude and relief in his eyes broke her heart.
“Yes,” Joel said. “Emma was a perfect angel. I left her with two little boys to take care of, to raise all on her own. I loved her—” His voice broke and his chest heaved. “I loved her more than life. More than anything. And then I went and fucked some other woman.”
The look of pure, vile hatred and self-disgust on his face made Lucy’s chest ache. She loved Joel dearly and could never hate him, and she knew Emma couldn’t have either. No matter what.
“I think it’s good that you told us,” Jesse said, the compassion on his face and voice matching Lucy’s. “I think it’ll help you. I can’t imagine how hard it was to keep that to yourself all this time.”
“You shoulda told me, honey,” Fillis said. “I woulda understood. You didn’t have to suffer with this secret all this time.”
“I know, Second Mama. I just…I didn’t want anybody to know. All anybody knows about me is how much I love my wife…and I do! I do, goddammit. That wasn’t a lie. I love her every bit as much as I always say I do.”
“Nobody doubts that,” Lucy said firmly.
“I don’t deserve her,” Joel said miserably. “I’ll never be worthy of her.”
“Never?” Lucy asked. “You think no matter how many years you’re trapped here on Earth, there’s no way you can ever be good enough again?”
“I don’t see how. It’s not like I can make it up to her.”
“Not hanging around here, you can’t!” Lucy said. “You need to go to her. When you cross over you can be with her, make her understand why you did it. Why…why did you do it?” She felt bad for asking, but she needed to understand. Why would a good man like Joel do something like this? It was scary. If he could cheat, anyone could.
“I was a fuckin’ idiot.”
Jesse winced, and Lucy fought the urge to crack a smile. He got upset when anyone used bad language around her. It was nothing she hadn’t heard before. With Theresa as her roommate, she’d heard it all.
“Me and my regiment, we’d been traipsing all over the damn country for months on end and hadn’t really seen battle. You wouldn’t think it, but being a soldier is boring. Like mind-crushingly boring.”
“Got that right,” Jesse said.
You cheated on your beautiful wife because you were bored? Lucy tried to withhold her judgment, but it was hard.
“Then we fought at Chancellorsville. And people…people I knew…died. And all of a sudden, the war wasn’t a game anymore. It was real. People died and…I had to kill some of ’em,” Joel said, looking nauseous. “We had…you knew when it was one of our guys, even if you couldn’t recognize his face anymore…” Joel’s face twisted into a grimace as he remembered some of the horrible things he’d seen. “We were from Orange County New York, so we put orange ribbons on our uniforms, you know, in case…in case…”
“In case you didn’t survive the battle,” Lucy finished for him.
“Yeah. When you saw a dead guy with an orange ribbon, you knew it was one of our guys. And we lost a lot. A lot of good guys. My friends. Playin’ cards the night before. Dead the next day.”
Joel looked into Lucy’s eyes, bolstered by her compassion. She nodded, encouraging him to let it all out.
“And as we’re marchin’ off to the next…whatever…we didn’t know what would happen to us. I kept thinkin’ of all the friends I lost, and I kept thinkin’ about the guys I killed. Somebody’s else’s friends. Somebody’s husband, maybe. Somebody’s…child…” Joel broke down in a tearless sob. “I thought of my little boys…and did I…did I kill someone else’s baby?”
Lucy put her hand over her mouth as her own tears started to spill. Jesse put a hand on her knee, the cold sensation was oddly comforting to her.
“It was suddenly so real…so permanent. Lots of men were dead, and there would be more. It was like…it was like I couldn’t turn off my own brain. I couldn’t sleep without thinkin’ of the guys I had killed. I just couldn’t stop thinkin’. And then, when we were in camp…” Joel laughed bitterly. “On our way to Gettysburg. There were some girls who would…who were willin’ to…you know, for money.”
Lucy nodded. This was hard enough for Joel to talk about, and less he had to spell out, the easier it would be for him.
“And-and I hardly even thought about it. I just wanted to do it. I just wanted something…anything…to get my mind off what was going on. What had happened, what I was afraid was going to happen. Jesus Christ, why the fuck couldn’t I have just kept it in my pants for just a little while longer? I got killed at Gettysburg. I’d made it all that time without…and then I died at the very next battle.”
“You died before you ever had a chance to atone,” Lucy said.
“Yeah. As if there was anything I could ever do to make up for something like that. I never in a million years could have imagined doing something like that to her. We loved each other so much. We were so happy. I mean, some of the guys weren’t so lucky. Some of ’em were kinda relieved to get away from their wives. So, I don’t know, I mean I know they were foolin’ around, too, but it just didn’t seem as bad, you know? God, how could I do something like that to Emma?”
“War makes you do crazy things,” Lucy said gently.
“But it’s not like it was just the one time. I did it three times that same week. It was like…I knew I was gonna do it, too. At least after the first time. You can’t think about much else when you’re havin’ sex, you know? I was lookin’ forward to it, you know? Gave me something to be excited about.” Joel looked at Lucy apologetically. “Sorry. I don’t mean to be indelicate.”
Lucy smiled. She really didn’t mind. She thought it was probably good for him to be so honest about what had happened. Still, it was painful to watch him expose himself so emotionally in front of all of them.
“It’s all right.” Lucy shot a pointed look at Jesse. “I understand what it feels like to really, really want to sleep with someone.” She turned bright red, but still looked back at Joel and smiled.
Joel and Fillis chuckled softly. Jesse’s surprised and delighted expression only made Joel laugh harder. Lucy was happy to have taken some of the pressure off Joel.
“But you’re in love. That’s different,” Joel said, looking at Lucy, then at Jesse. “I never should have made fun of you for sayin’ what you said back at the Visitor’s Center. You were right, Secesh. Sex without love is very empty. You were right to wait on the right woman. You had the same opportunities I had in camp, but you still didn’t do it. Now that you’ve met the perfect woman—well, I’m just real sorry that you’ll never have the chance to…be with her.”
“Thank you,” Jesse said, the sadness evident in his voice. He was sorry, too. He looked at Lucy sitting next to him. He smiled at her and held out his hand. She put her hand on his and felt the familiar cold sensation. When they looked at each other, it was easy to forget that anyone else was there.
“Could you have forgiven him?” Joel asked suddenly, looking at Lucy with a desperate, plaintive look in his eyes. “If he slept with someone else?”
“Joel, that’s an impossible question to answer!” Lucy said. She knew what he wanted to hear, of course, but the answer was different for everyone.
“You can’t expect her to answer something like that,” Jesse said, but not without sympathy.
“Of course not. You would never have done such an awful thing,” Joel said.
“That’s not what I meant, Joel,” Jesse said, even though it was impossible for him to imagine cheating on Lucy. “I just mean—she’s not Emma. She can’t speak for what Emma would have done.”
“I know. I know. I’m sorry, sweetheart.”
“Don’t be sorry, Joel,” Lucy said. She wanted so much to say something comforting to him, something to help him come to terms with what he’d done. “But…I’d like to think that, if I was lucky enough to have you come back home safe from the war, and you came home looking at me like that…” She gestured to his mournful, pitiful expression. “I’d like to think I could have forgiven you.”
The look of relief on Joel’s face was so intense that Lucy wished she had the power to forgive him on Emma’s behalf.
“You two loved each other so much. I don’t think she would want to end it all over one mistake.”
“Three,” Joel said bitterly.
“Joel. You’ve been torturing yourself over this since 1863. Haven’t you suffered enough?”
“I don’t know. Have I?”
“Lord, yes, child,” Fillis said. “Emma knows how much you still love her. You think she can’t see?” Fillis lifted her eyes to the heavens. “You think she likes seeing you like this?”
“No,” Joel said. “She wouldn’t want this for me. That’s the way she was. She had such a good heart. She didn’t want anyone to suffer. Ever.”
“Especially not you,” Lucy said. “Your Second Mama is right. I believe that Emma sees this”—she gestured at Joel’s sorrow—“and I think it breaks her heart. You want to tell her you’re sorry? Go to her. Go home to her and the boys, and you can spend eternity making it up to her.”
Joel looked down at the ground and smiled. There was a small change in his demeanor. It wasn’t the dramatic epiphany that Joel and Jesse had experienced at Devil’s Den, but there was a subtle change. Joel was starting to feel better.
“Thank you for listening to me.” Joel looked up at all three of them. “And for not hating me.”
“We could never hate you, sweet boy,” Fillis said. “I jus’ wish you’d told me sooner. Ain’t no reason for you to be carryin’ this burden alone.”
Joel looked at Fillis and saw the unconditional love of a mother in her face.
Lucy got up and walked over to Joel. He stood so he could look her in the eye. He had to look down at her, just like Jesse did, since she was so much shorter. “I would give anything in the world if I could just give you a big hug right now,” Lucy said. She sighed deeply. She raised her hands and placed them on his shoulders, feeling the chill go right through her.
“I’ll take what I can get,” Joel said with a smile. “That’s the closest thing to a beautiful woman’s touch that I’ve had in a very long time.”
Lucy smiled at him, savoring the sweet moment. Then she sighed and said, “I’m sorry, guys, but I’ve got to get going to work.”
“I know. Lucy I—” Joel faltered, not knowing what to say to thank her.
“I know,” Lucy said with a smile. “You don’t have to say anything. Just keep working, Joel. I know it’s hard. You’ve been through a lot, but you’re getting better. Every step of the way you’re working toward going home to be with Emma. Don’t give up.”
Lucy turned around and smiled at Fillis, who smiled warmly back. Lucy loved teaming up with her to help the boys. It was such a comfort to Lucy to know that Second Mama was always there to stay with the boys any time Lucy couldn’t be with them.
Lucy looked at Jesse, who was still sitting on the ground. “I love you,” she said softly.
Jesse looked at her with a pained expression, hating that she had to go. “I love you, too.”
It was such a tender moment that Joel didn’t have the heart to tease them. Yes, they were all lovey-dovey now, but words were really all they had to express their feelings. Joel couldn’t begin to imagine being near Emma and not being able to touch her.
“Here, lemme walk with you a minute,” Jesse said, getting up and walking beside her.
Joel sat down next to Fillis as they watched Jesse and Lucy stroll together.
“She loves him so much,” Joel said. “If he crosses over…”
“She’ll be devastated,” Fillis said softly.
Jesse walked Lucy to the edge of the playground, where they stopped to talk before she continued on to work.
“That was really wunnerful, what you did for you him back there,” Jesse said to her.
“I hope it helps him.”
“I still wanna be with you, ya know. Alone,” Jesse said.
“Me, too. We’ll have to find somewhere quiet to go by ourselves.”
“But not—”
“On a battlefield,” Lucy finished for him.
“Right,” Jesse drawled.
“There’s a good place right behind the Arts building at the college.”
“Good idea. Tomorrow afternoon?” Jesse asked hopefully.
“Yes. I’ll see you then,” Lucy said. She held up her palm, and he touched it with his. “It always feels cold when I touch you. Can you feel anything?”
Jesse shook his head sadly. “No. But I like doing it anyway. It’s as close to touch as I can get.”
“But you were able to touch things before. You pushed the tray to the ground at the restaurant, and you were able to kiss me on the forehead at Devil’s Den.” Lucy looked at him hopefully. She would have given anything to have him kiss her on the lips.
“Yeah, but it only worked then because I was all charged up and upset. You were in danger, and I was scared to death. I can’t seem to do it any other time,” Jesse said sadly.
Lucy nodded and touched his hand again.
Joel and Fillis watched as Jesse and Lucy said their goodbyes, and Jesse walked back to the tree to rejoin them.
Joel looked at Fillis. “I think I want…I need to go back to Devil’s Den for a little bit.”
“Joel,” Fillis began, looking worried.
“No. No, it’s not like that. I think…I think it’ll be different this time. It’s just something I need to do. I need to try to talk to Emma,” he said, glancing up to the sky.
“Want us to walk with you for a while?” Jesse asked.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’d be good.”
Joel looked around to make sure none of the kids or parents were looking, then turned invisible. Jesse and Fillis did the same.
They walked quietly together for a little while. Finally, Jesse spoke.
“Lucy’s gonna get hurt,” he said. Joel and Fillis looked at each other as Jesse echoed the concerns they’d been discussing earlier. “She’s trying so hard to help us cross over, but now it’s like I don’t even want to. I don’t want to be without her, and I don’t want to hurt her.”
“I think that ship has sailed,” Joel said as they weaved their way through the crowd. No one could see them, but they still evaded touch in case someone felt a cold spot and realized what it was. “It’s pretty much inevitable in this situation.”
“Sometimes I think I should just disappear and leave her alone,” Jesse said miserably. The idea of being without her was worse than death, but he’d do it if it helped spare her feelings.
“No. Don’t do that,” Joel said. “You’ll break her heart.”
“It’s gonna be broken anyway!” Jesse said. “Sooner or later—”
“Then make it later.” Joel insisted. “She’s the first good thing to happen to you in forever. She’s a wonderful woman, and she loves you. I know, eventually, something has to happen. You’ll either cross over or she’ll graduate and have to start her new life, but it’s okay to love her until then.”
“I’ll love her longer than that,” Jesse said.
“I know,” Joel said. “Believe me, I know.”
Fillis walked behind them, listening. It was wonderful to hear the two talking and confiding in each other. It was good for them. They needed each other, and Fillis was starting to believe their time was finally coming. Especially Joel’s. He was making good progress in dealing with his demons, and he just might make it home soon.
Jesse was another matter. He loved Lucy. He wouldn’t leave her willingly, but it was no good for him to be trapped here for another hundred years because he’d fallen in love. If they could be together, that would be one thing, but it was impossible.
Fillis’s motherly concerns turned to Lucy. She would be the one who suffered the most. Fillis had no doubt that she loved Jesse enough to put his needs above her own. She might be shy and quiet, but Lucy was a strong woman. She’d been terrified of Joel and Jesse at first, but she faced her fears and eventually welcomed them as friends. She’d endured the agony of Jesse’s death, but her dedication to helping them never wavered. Lucy would help him cross over, and she’d encourage him to be at peace, crushing her own heart in the process. The notion of her grieving, just like Joel had, for the rest of her life made Fillis’s heart hurt. Thank God she had her friend, Theresa, to confide in. No one else in Lucy’s life even knew Jesse existed.
They reached Devil’s Den and left Joel alone there. Well, not exactly alone. It was a sunny Saturday afternoon in May, and the place was literally crawling with tourists. Kids were climbing all over the rocks as their parents took pictures.
“Good luck with your quiet contemplation,” Jesse said.
Joel laughed. “It’s okay. Gives me some entertainment while I’m here.”
They had long since gotten used to the fact that people used Devil’s Den, also known as the Slaughter Pen, as a playground. It was strange at first to see people laughing and climbing over the rocks that had once dripped with blood. But watching the kids and all those living, breathing people helped block out some of the horrible images of dead bodies lying all around. There was no sense keeping the Den around as some kind of graveyard. Better to have it crawling with life.
Jesse shot a pained look over at the flat rock where Lucy had lain after suffering his battle wounds. A small kid, maybe four years old, was trying to climb up on it. His struggle brought back the horrific image of Lucy trying to pull herself up on the rock after feeling like she’d been shot. Jesse quickly turned away. He gave Joel a quiet, supportive smile, then he and Fillis left to give him some privacy.