Chapter 31
“How’s your sexy cowboy?” Theresa asked when Lucy got home from work. The day after her drunken confession, Theresa had worried all day about what was going to happen when Lucy had to face Joel and Jesse. The moment she”d arrived home that night, Lucy”s look of elation said it all.
”He said it back, didn”t he?” Theresa had said. Lucy had cried, tears of joy this time, and told her everything Jesse had said to her.
“He’s wonderful and perfect as always,” Lucy replied dreamily as she set down her purse. She sat down on the couch and put her feet up. “I saw him this morning before I went to work. We met up with Joel and Fillis. It was good. Really good. Joel opened up a lot about the war and everything. He’s really trying now, you know?”
Theresa nodded thoughtfully. Lucy knew her friend had the hots for Joel. She never denied it, not even really to Joel himself. She flirted openly with him, and Joel playfully flirted back. Still, Lucy had no intention of repeating what Joel had revealed about cheating on Emma. That was intensely private and painful, and it wasn’t Lucy’s place to go blabbing about it.
“That’s good,” Theresa said.
“I’m finally gonna meet up with Jesse tomorrow morning, just the two of us.”
“That’ll be nice,” Theresa said. “You guys could use some alone time.” She fell silent for a moment.
“What?” Lucy asked.
“Nothing. Just thinking.”
Lucy was a little worried, but didn’t press her.
“Oh! I almost forgot!” Theresa said, her eyes wide.
“What?” Lucy asked, looking at her curiously.
“You got a flower delivery. Lucy,” Theresa said, a look of astonishment on her face. “They’re yellow roses.”
* * *
Lucy arrivedbefore Jesse at the designated spot behind the Arts building. She brought a picnic lunch for one. She wanted to spend the whole day with him outside, so she knew she’d better be prepared for when she got hungry.
She looked off in the distance, eagerly awaiting his arrival. Her whole body tingled when she saw his familiar form come walking toward her, clad as always in his handsome gray uniform, white shirt and suspenders, and slouch hat. His mere presence excited her, and she could hardly imagine what he could do to her with his hands and the rest of his body if he were alive. If only, she thought as usual. She would have to settle for that killer smile and devastatingly sexy accent.
Jesse sat down next to her on the blanket. He looked into her eyes. “Alone at last, my rose.”
Lucy laughed. “Yes.” She held up her palm and he pressed his hand to hers.
Lucy noticed the look of apprehension that crossed Jesse’s face as he looked around at all the students walking around on campus.
“What is it?” Lucy asked with concern.
Jesse looked down at his clothes, the same ones that Lucy had been admiring just a moment ago. “Aren’t you embarrassed to be seen with me at your school in this…costume?”
“Of course not!” Lucy said. “And it’s not a costume, darling. It’s the uniform you bravely fought and died in. Of course I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you. Are you kidding? A gorgeous guy with a drop-dead sexy accent? I wish I could parade you up and down the halls and show you off to everyone!”
Jesse still looked unsure.
“I’ve never seen anyone look so handsome in a uniform, Jesse. Although…” She looked critically at his clothes.
“What?” Jesse asked, looking down.
Lucy waited to finish her sentence until he looked back up at her. “As much as I love the way you look, sometimes I wish I could just rip those clothes right off you…” Her eyes flashed with desire.
Jesse laughed with pleasure and relief.
“Guess what?” Lucy asked. She reached into one of the big bags she’d brought with her for the picnic. “Someone sent me flowers.”
Jesse watched her with confusion and a hint of worry. “What?”
Lucy pulled out the beautiful bouquet of yellow roses from the bag. She also pulled out an empty vase and opened a bottle of water. She got the flowers all set up, then turned to Jesse and smiled.
“They’re from you,” she said. “You said you would get them for me if you could, so you did. I just helped you a little.”
Jesse looked at the flowers wistfully. “I wish I could have bought them for you.”
“As far as I’m concerned, you did.” Lucy pulled out the blank card that came with the flowers. “Now, what would you have written on the card?”
Jesse thought for a moment, then said, “To my beautiful rose, All my love, Jesse.”
Lucy smiled as she wrote his words down on the card. “Perfect. I’m sure your girlfriend will love it, Private Spenser.”
“Are you really my girlfriend?”
“I should hope so,” she responded. She held the card up to Jesse’s lips, and he pressed a kiss to it the best he could. Lucy opened her purse, pulled out her wallet, and slid the card inside.
“By the way,” Lucy said. “Happy birthday.”
“What?”
“It’s May 26.”
“It is?” Jesse asked. “I don’t pay much attention to dates anymore. But how did you—”
“That day when we stood at your grave. You said, ‘Private Jesse Spenser of the First Texas, at your service. Born May 26, 1839. Died July 2, 1863.’”
“You remember that?” Jesse asked.
“Of course I remember. I remember everything you say. I was quite smitten with you even then. Even when I found out you were dead.”
“Wow,” Jesse said, genuinely surprised. “Thanks for remembering. People like us…we don’t think much about birthdays anymore. I don’t think anybody really knows my birthday around here. Well, except…”
“Second Mama,” Lucy said with a smile.
Jesse nodded. He stared at the yellow roses.
“What if you meet someone else?” he asked.
“Jesse!” she said sharply.
“Well, I can’t even touch you,” he said, his voice full of frustration. “And I want to so badly.”
Lucy looked at him, remembering what he’d said about wanting to lay her down on the blanket and make passionate love to her. It hurt so much that she couldn’t wrap her arms around him, and it was incredibly frustrating that they couldn’t have sex, but it made her feel good to know that he wanted to. Jesse wasn’t like Eric. Jesse really did love her.
“It’s not fair to you. You deserve a real man. One that can touch you and hold you and protect you,” he said.
“You are a real man, Jesse, and you came along at a time when I didn’t think there were any real men anymore. A real man is good and kind. You always treat me like a lady. I still can’t believe that you love me.”
“I know you can’t,” Jesse said. “Why is that? For the longest time you were afraid me and Joel were makin’ fun of you or something. Like you thought we were tryin’ to play a mean trick on you. Why did you think that?”
“I don’t know. I guess…I guess it’s because of some stuff that happened when I was in school. Earlier, I mean. Grade school, high school. There were people who I thought were my friends and weren’t,” Lucy said. It felt good to confide in Jesse about these things. “It’s hard to describe, but it’s like…I don’t know. They would talk to me and ask me questions and act like they were my friends, but they were making fun of me behind my back. And…and I guess I just didn’t realize it until it was too late.”
Jesse’s eyes flashed with anger, and Lucy loved how protective he was of her.
“I used to be really skinny, ugly.”
“You could never be ugly,” Jesse said in a harsh tone, still furious with the little bastards who had made Lucy feel that way. “Your soul is too beautiful.”
“I feel the same way about you. I mean, people talk about having soulmates, but that’s really what we are,” Lucy said, sounding tired. “Because that’s all we have. And speaking of souls…I understand why Joel is still here. Now it’s your turn.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jesse said.
“Why? Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I do!”
“Then why won’t you talk to me? Do you know why you’re still here? If it’s, you know, some kind of secret like Joel has, I’ll understand. You know I will,” Lucy told him. She wondered if maybe Jesse had some dark secret he was hiding.
“No, not really. Nothing like that. I just…don’t want to talk about it.”
“But why?”
“I just don’t want to deal with it,” Jesse said, his temper rising again. He wouldn’t meet her gaze.
“Jesse—”
“I don’t want to cross over!” Jesse roared, startling her. He felt terrible for yelling when he saw the tears in her eyes. “Lucy, I—”
“I understand,” Lucy said without a trace of anger. “I can’t bear the thought of being without you, either. But you can’t stay here like this. When I graduate school next year, I’ll have to go back home. I won’t ever be able to rest if I know you’re out here, aimlessly wandering around.”
“Then I’ll wait until you graduate. We’ll sort through it all then.”
“There’s no sense prolonging the inevitable, Jesse. It’ll only hurt more. Let me help you. Please. I’m not going to give up, so you might as well give in.”
Jesse saw the determination in her face and knew she was right. She wasn’t going to give up trying to help him.
“Why are you still here?” she asked gently.
“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked. Her perplexed expression made it clear that it wasn’t. “I fought for the wrong side.”
Lucy let the words sink in. The pain of regret on Jesse’s face mirrored the look that Joel had when talking about his transgressions. Jesse was so passionate about the South that his words came as a surprise to her.
“I mean, I look back at everything that happened. I had to kill people, too. I mean, you know that, right?” He looked up at her, worried about what she might think of him.
“You did what you had to do. Just like Joel did. Just like all the soldiers did. You didn’t ask to go to war.”
“But I volunteered! I didn’t wait ’til conscription. I took up arms and went to war straight away. I left my family. My mother…” He closed his eyes. “I jus’…I can’t imagine what she went through when she got the news that her only child was dead.” He opened his eyes. “I wish I could just see my mama one more time. She was so good to me. I was her pride and joy, that’s for sure.”
Her heart ached when she saw the pain in his eyes. He needed to go home. He needed to be with his family, too. Every bit as much as Joel did.
“She was proud of me for fightin’, but she was worried sick that I wouldn’t come home. And I didn’t. Probably ruined the rest of her life. And for what? For what?”
“Why did you go to war?” Lucy asked. She already had a pretty good idea from her history books of why Confederate soldiers fought, but she wanted to hear it from him. He needed to talk about it and, truth be told, she needed to know why he fought. How could anyone think that slavery was okay? How could anyone fight and die to keep slavery in practice?
“I thought I was doing right, Lucy. I really did!” Jesse had a pleading look in his eyes. He needed her to understand. “I didn’t know no black people. Not personally anyway. And I never really got to know any of ’em, until…”
“Fillis,” Lucy said.
“Yeah,” Jesse said, his expression softening as he spoke of the woman who had mothered him far longer than his biological mother had been able to. “Can you imagine the kind o’ heart that woman has? She loves me, Lucy. She loves me like I was her own. After everything I did…”
“That’s what good mothers do. They love their children unconditionally. Why did you think fighting for the Confederacy was right?”
“We was told that the Union guys were fightin’ to take away our way of life. They were big, bad, mean city folk, and we were simple farmers.” He laughed bitterly. “Not so simple for them people pickin’ the cotton. But that’s what we were told, and that’s what we believed. I mean, it sounds terrible now, but I didn’t think about it. We was taught that black folks were like animals. They didn’t think like us, didn’t feel like us. We were doin’ them a favor givin’ them a purpose in life. And those horrible Northerners were tryin’ to modernize everything and take away our way of life. So they stirred us up, got us all wrathy and fired up, and said it was our duty to fight! We had to fight! For our families! For our homes!” Jesse shook his head. “And we…never…questioned it.”
“Sounds familiar,” Lucy said.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean some things never change. You know all about September 11, right?”
“’Course. That was terrible. We all…lots of spirits around here, we saw on the TV when it was happening. The streets were real quiet that day. Was awful.”
“It certainly was. Then the government did the same thing they did to you back in the day. Stirred everybody up. Patriotism! Gotta fight to protect our way of life! Then they talked us all into invading a country that had nothing to do with what happened.”
“You’re right,” Jesse said somberly. “Lots of men and some of the women, off to war. Came back in lots of flag-draped coffins.”
“Yeah. The Civil War, the Iraq War, so often it’s the same old thing. Rich man’s war, poor man’s fight. They get the poor ones to do their dirty work so the rich can stay rich. Cotton. Oil. Blood money.”
“Yeah. But still. Ain’t I ’sponsible for my own actions? I’m not the smartest man in the world, but I ought to be able to think for myself. Nobody forced me to fight. I don’t know. Maybe if they had…maybe if I’d had to be a conscript and had no choice. Most of the spirits that are stuck around here chose to fight.”
Lucy nodded, and couldn’t help but wonder why Fillis was stuck here. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem tied to the war.
“There’s a reason why thousands of people down South fought for one reason and the Northerners fought for another. It has to do with the way you were brought up,” Lucy said. “When you’re taught that anyone different from you is wrong, bad, you can’t help but believe it. Especially when it’s your parents, your grandparents telling you these things.”
Jesse looked up at her. “I wanna be proud of who I am, where I come from. Sometimes I don’t know how to be, or even if it’s okay.”
“Of course it’s okay! You should be proud of who you are and where you’re from. Your Southernness is a big part of who you are.”
“But is it really anything to be proud of?”
“Yes! You don’t have to accept everything about it. In fact, you shouldn’t. There are good things about the South, Jesse. There is something to be said about a simple way of life. The farm life, family, church, community. Those things are still strong in the South.”
Jesse nodded.
“But so is racism, so is homophobia. It’s fine to love a simple life, but it can be a narrow-minded life. Sometimes it’s hard for people to accept their differences. If we could just learn to accept each other, celebrate our differences instead of railing against them, I think we’d all be okay.”
“Sounds so simple, don’t it?” Jesse asked wearily.
“It’s not as hard as people make it out to be. Look at us. I’m a Yankee gal who fell in love with a handsome Southern rebel.”
Jesse laughed.
“And it’s not like things in the North are always so great. Ugh, you look at all the greed on Wall Street. So many people worship money above all else.”
Lucy watched Jesse as he contemplated her words. She could see that she was getting through to him. He seemed a bit calmer.
“I feel like people still argue and fight as much now as they did back in your day. It’s funny how things never seem to change. Now it’s not blue and gray anymore, it’s blue and red.”
“Yep. Blue states hatin’ on red states, and the other way ’round. Hear so much of that around here. People visit from all around the country, so people like me and Joel have pretty much heard it all.”
“I’m sure you have. There’s still a lot of racism, a lot of hate in this country.”
“And I contributed to it. I really did,” Jesse said mournfully.
“It’s never too late to change your mind, Jesse. Even after death. You have a good heart. That’s why Fillis loves you. That’s why I love you.”
Jesse looked into her eyes. If someone as wonderful and good as Lucy could love him, maybe he was worthy of forgiveness.
“Look at me and Theresa. You talk about blue and red. I’m pretty blue, politically, and she’s about as red as they come. She’s a Christian—the good kind, not the crazy kind—but she’s Republican all the way. And we’re best friends! She votes her way, I vote mine, then we go have a drink together!”
“So I saw,” Jesse said.
Lucy blushed deeply and looked down. “I made a complete fool of myself, didn’t I?”
“No,” Jesse said firmly. “Not at all. Joel and I felt just awful, seeing you so upset. God knows we were the reason you needed to drink.”
“Well, yeah, kinda…” Lucy said. “I was drinking to forget you, and then we come outside, and there you were.”
“I’m glad, Lucy. I’m so glad. If you hadn’t said somethin’, I probably never would have had the guts to tell you how I felt.”
Jesse looked around the fairly empty campus, then up at the American flag waving high up on a flagpole.
“It’s a holiday today, ain”t it? I didn’t know the calendar date, but it’s Memorial Day, right?”
“Yes,” Lucy replied. Meade’s Tavernwas closed for the day, so she was able to stay with Jesse as long as she liked.
Lucy could feel Jesse’s sorrow as he looked at the flag. “What is it, Jesse?”
Jesse watched the flag flap in the breeze. “Memorial Day is all about service men and women who died protecting the flag. Days like this I just…I feel like such a traitor. The USA ain’t perfect, but it’s a good country. It’s a good place to be. And I took up arms to help tear it apart.”
“You know, there are lots of memorials and remembrances for Confederate soldiers, too. Maybe, you know, not a lot around here. But down South? Believe me, you guys are revered.”
“But ought we be?” Jesse asked.
“It’s a complicated issue. Slavery is bad. Keeping the United States united is good. But to die fighting for what you believe in is good. You fought to protect the South. Your family, your friends, your family’s farm in Texas. You were so young, Jesse. And you were strong and brave. I’m proud of you.”
Jesse smiled at her gratefully.
Lucy reached into her bag and pulled out a small Bose sound system, one that could play music she had stored on her phone.
“I forgot I brought music to listen to. I’ve got some old Civil Wars songs in there, too, in case you’re feeling nostalgic.”
“Nice,” Jesse said.
Lucy cued up the music and put her music mix on shuffle. The first song was a fast, spirited instrumental version of “Dixie.”
“Love it!” Jesse said.
Lucy laughed. “I know this song ought to make me think of you, but I’m afraid now all I can think of is Joel singing!”
Jesse grinned mischievously. “Oh, man that was sweet, wasn’t it? I can’t believe he actually did it.”
“I liked your singing, too.” Lucy said with a giggle.
“You know I only did that ’cause I was showin’ off for you. I like hearing you laugh.”
The next song on the mix, “Wildwood Flower,”began to play.
“Oh, this is a good one! Now this one reminds me of you. ’Specially the part in the beginning. Oh, I’ll twine with my mingles of waving black hair, with the roses so red and the lilies so fair…”
Lucy smiled, finding his off-key singing somehow more charming than if he could actually carry a tune like Joel could. “He dumps her at the end of the song, you know,” she observed drily.
Jesse waved her off. “Details, details…”
Jesse’s eyes lit up when the next song came on. “No way!”
“Well, of course I had to put this one on there.”
It was “The Yellow Rose of Texas.”
“Dance with me!” Jesse said.
“What?”
Jesse jumped up and held out his right hand. “Ma’am, may I please have this dance?”
He glanced around to make sure Lucy wouldn’t be embarrassed by the spectacle of the two of them dancing together on the lawn of her school. Lucy made it clear that she had no qualms about dancing with the love of her life in public by reaching over and turning the sound up before joining him. He grinned at her, then stood directly in front of her, his right arm up to lead. They danced joyfully, holding their arms up together, moving their feet, doing everything but touching.
They laughed and danced, not caring who was watching. It was the happiest single moment of Lucy’s life. She realized she’d never known true joy until now.
When the song ended, Jesse looked at Lucy and said, “You know, there’s a song I’ve heard—it’s one of the newer ones—and every time I hear it I think of you.”
“What is it? Maybe I have it on there,” Lucy said, glancing down at her phone.
“It’s called ‘True’ by Ryan Cabrera.”
“Oh, I think I have heard that one. I don’t think I have it but I can download it now.”
Jesse smiled at her as she picked up her phone, located the song, and downloaded it.
Lucy cued up the song, then stood up so she could dance with Jesse. The lyrics in the beginning of the song mentioned not breathing, and Jesse winked at her, making her laugh.
They slow-danced together, looking into each other’s eyes. It was sweet and sensual; it was wonderful how they could feel so close even without touching. Jesse softly sang along with the song. He knew every word and sang with great passion as he looked lovingly at her.
Lucy looked up at him, into those beautiful blue-gray eyes. He knew the song so well, and she realized that he must have thought of her every time he heard it. She could never have imagined that any man could feel that way about her. She was overwhelmed with love for him.
“This will be our song,” Lucy whispered when the song ended.
“Always has been,” Jesse answered, reminding Lucy again of just how long he’d loved her. “It’s good to know there’s still some nice modern songs out there. Seems like every other song is about somebody’s booty nowadays. What’s that about?”
Lucy laughed. “You sound like an old man.”
“I am an old man. A very, very old man.” Jesse looked Lucy up and down, admiring her. “Jeez, talk about robbin’ the cradle.”
Another tune came on. Lucy had been listening to Civil War music a lot lately, and she recognized the song immediately from the opening chords. Her breath caught in her throat and her heart clutched. It was a beautiful song, but it hurt so badly to hear it.
“Now this one definitely reminds me of you,” Lucy said.
“Yeah,” Jesse said somberly. “I ain’t heard this one in a while. It’s real pretty, though.”
The song was “The Legend of the Rebel Soldier.”It was a slow, sad song about a Southern soldier, passionate about the South, who was dying in a Yankee prison. The song tells of how the Rebel grabs a preacher by the hand, asking him if his soul will pass through the South when he dies. The lyrics describe how much the soldier loves the Southland, the church house where he made his wedding vows, and his precious daughter. All the good things about the South. The kind of things that Jesse missed desperately. The song tells of dying for loving Dixie, which Jesse surely did.
In the last stanza the preacher blesses the soldier as he dies. He raises his hand and says a prayer, imploring the Father to grant the soldier’s wishes and let his soul pass through the South one last time before he goes to heaven.
Jesse and Lucy had been dancing slowly, somberly to the song. As the song reached the last verse, Lucy’s emotions overwhelmed her. She began to cry. She covered her eyes with her hands, her shoulders shaking, tears flowing.
“Oh, Lucy,” Jesse said. He longed to wrap his arms around her and hold her close. “I won’t leave you.”
“You have to,” Lucy said, trying to talk while taking deep breaths as she sobbed. “You can’t stay here.” She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. “I hope that happens for you. I hope you can pass through the South one last time before you—”
Lucy broke down crying again. She took a few moments to compose herself while Jesse helplessly watched.
“I wish I could hold you, Lucy.”
“Me, too. I need you to hold me right now.”
Jesse looked into her eyes and held up his palm. She touched it with her hand. She sighed. It just wasn’t enough. She loved him. She loved him, and she needed to touch him. She felt like she needed to touch him like she needed food and water and air.
The next song came on. It was a slow, almost sensual version of “Dixie” with a woman singing the lyrics instead of just instrumentation.
“Now, you better think of me when you hear this song. Not Joel,” Jesse said, trying to break the somber mood a bit.
Lucy smiled sadly. She held up her arm and he did the same. They danced together to the song.
Jesse stopped dancing as they listened to the last part of the song. The woman sang slowly, somberly as Jesse looked mournfully into Lucy’s eyes.
With one kiss she acted the foolish part…and died for a man that broke her heart. Look away, look away, look away…Dixieland….