Chapter 33
“If you get arrested, this could really mess up your teaching career,” Jesse said, already regretting his decision to help Lucy do this. “Trespassing on government property?”
“I know,” Lucy said, her look of determination fiercer than ever. She wasn’t kidding when she said she wanted to help her boys cross over. She would do whatever it took.
Jesse looked at Lucy as the three carefully walked up the steps to the Visitor’s Center. He had never seen Lucy look so strong, so determined. It was a huge turn-on, as if he needed another reason to find her sexy.
The soldiers remained visible so that Lucy could see them, even though it made them more conspicuous overall.
“We need to go ’round back. Much easier to get in.” Jesse said.
“Right,” Joel said, understanding the plan. The front doors to the Gettysburg Visitor’s Center were locked up tight with two different locks. The employee entrance in the back wasn’t quite so secure. It had one simple lock, and the key was always resting on top of the doorjamb. This was to allow easy access for the employees who stepped out for smoke breaks. Employees also used this exit to leave for lunch breaks or when they left for the day.
The three crept around back to the employee entrance. “The key’s up there,” Jesse said, pointing to the top of the door.
Lucy stood on her tiptoes, but she was too short to reach. “Damn,” she said. It wasn’t like either of the tall soldiers with her could give her a boost. She looked around and saw some crates lying near the dumpster. Jesse watched with amusement and admiration as she stacked the crates and stood on top to get the key. He especially admired the way her stretching revealed more of her legs as she strained to reach the top of the door.
Jesse caught Joel admiring her figure, too, and gave him a stern look. Joel held up his hands and mouthed “sorry.”
Lucy got the key and stepped down. “Isn’t there an alarm?”
“Yes,” Jesse said. “Okay, here’s the tricky part. Once you get inside, you gotta run all the way to the front entrance. You got thirty seconds to put in the code.”
Lucy nodded. She looked nervous, but still determined.
“You’re so brave, Lucy,” Jesse said with a smile. He was worried, but still incredibly aroused by her boldness. It was a side of her he wasn’t used to seeing.
“We’ll run with you. We’ll show you where to go and we’ll be right beside you, okay?” Joel said, looking guilty for putting her at risk. He was so desperate to read Emma’s words, though, that he would have done just about anything to make it happen.
“You ready?” Jesse asked as Lucy stood poised with the key at the back door.
“Yes,” she said. Her hands shook a bit, but she turned the key and opened the door.
“This way!” Jesse yelled into the silence of the still Visitor’s Center as he took off running. Lucy couldn’t run quite as fast, but she did her best to keep up. They reached the front door with Lucy gasping for breath. The alarm system was beeping.
“Okay, hit Disarm!” Jesse instructed. Lucy complied. “Now Three! Seven! Nine! Two! Seven!”
Lucy quickly, carefully put in the code. They all breathed a sigh of relief—Lucy’s breath real and the soldiers’ figurative—as the beeping stopped.
“Great job, darlin’!” Jesse said.
“Thanks!” Lucy said, smiling and tucking her hair behind her ear. She looked at Joel. “Now what do we do?”
“Follow me,” Joel said. He led them to the stairs, and they walked to the second floor. He showed Lucy the door of the historian’s office. “There. It’s in there!”
Lucy opened the door and went inside the dark office. She found the light switch and turned it on. Joel dashed over to the bookshelf where Emma’s diary was carefully wrapped in plastic to preserve the pages, which were over a century old.
“Be careful with the pages,” Jesse warned. “They’ll tear real easy.”
Joel eagerly stood behind Lucy as she gently removed the diary from the shelf. She carefully took it out of the plastic. Sure enough, the name Emma Casey was scripted in delicate, feminine handwriting.
“It’s hers all right. Come here,” she said softly.
She pulled out the historian’s chair for him. Joel sat down, and Lucy placed the book right in front of him. She gingerly opened the first page. She turned her head, not wishing to invade Emma’s privacy by reading the pages. If Joel wanted to share what he read, he would.
Joel read the first page, then said quietly, “Okay,” so Lucy would know when to turn the pages. He read on, occasionally chuckling at something Emma had written.
Jesse and Lucy exchanged looks from where Jesse stood in the office doorway. He looked at her with tender affection, grateful for her kindness. Sometimes it was still hard to wrap his head around the fact that such an amazing woman was in love with him. But there was no denying it from the way she gazed at him.
Lucy stood patiently as Joel read for a long time, his only words being “Okay,” when he was ready for a page turn.
Joel felt a sense of warmth and comfort as he read his wife’s words. She wrote the way she spoke—bold, sassy, funny, sweet, loving. Reading her thoughts was almost as good as hearing her voice.
I love Joel more with each pasing daye. He is the most wonnderfull husband. He is never more handsom then when he plays with our boys. The way he slings them over his strong shulders, teasing them, telling them he will feed them to the neghbor’s farm animals. Oh, how they laugh when daddy is home!
Joel stopped reading occasionally to take a moment to control his emotions as they threatened to spin out of control. “Oh, my babies,” he said softly. “My little boys…”
Lucy put her hand over her heart as she looked at Jesse. Jesse nodded. It was an incredibly emotional experience just to be here with their friend, to be present and actually feel him reconnect with his wife.
He is most wonderfull in the bedroom, too. Oh, it is so hard to keep quiet when we make love. It’s a job not to yell out his name when he does his thing to me. But I caint frightin the boys!
Joel chuckled. “She writes some good, dirty stuff about me in here…”
Lucy laughed, too delighted to blush. Jesse exchanged an amorous look with her.
It was hard for Joel to read Emma’s thoughts during the time he prepared to go to war and after he left. She expressed her pain and heartache so much more in her diary than she had in her letters to him. Emma had tried to keep her letters upbeat. Her diary told the real story.
Each day is harder than the last. I miss his smile so much, I feel I could fall to pieces. I caint be too sad. I must think of Mathew and David. I broke down in teers the other day when the children asked where daddy was. I don’t know…I don’t know was all I could say until I puled myself tigither. Daddy is being brave, I told thim. He’s fightin and bein brave.
And sleeping with another woman, Joel thought bitterly. He’d been screwing another woman while his wife cared for their children and patiently waited for his return. Joel read on and was stunned with what Emma wrote about next.
“Oh, my God…” Joel said as he read. “Oh, my God, oh my God…”
Jesse and Lucy exchanged concerned looks.
“Emma…she…she….” Joel looked up at Lucy, the agonized look on his face almost more than she could bear. “She had another child after I was gone.”
Lucy gasped and put her hand over her mouth. Joel looked so distraught as he continued reading that she couldn’t help but think the worst. After a moment of disbelief, she dropped her hand, and whispered, “She was unfaithful, too.”
“NO!” Joel roared, startling Lucy. “Don’t ever say that. She would never do that!”
“Joel,” Jesse said, his tone one of warning as he walked over to his side. He knew Joel was upset, but he’d be goddamned if he’d let him take it out on Lucy.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I-I just…she wouldn’t do that. She’s not like me. She was a saint,” Joel said, his eyes full of anguish. “The baby was mine. We made love right before I left and…and we must have made another baby. It-it-it was a girl. I had a daughter. I had a baby girl…” Joel broke down, sobbing waterless tears as he covered his face. These weren’t tears of joy. It was pure, unadulterated grief. “I left Emma with three children to care for…I had a child I never knew…”
Lucy’s tears flowed freely, too. It hurt so goddamn much to bear witness to Joel’s pain.
“Turn back, please. One page. Please.”
Lucy flipped the page back.
“I wanted to tell you, my darling,” Joel read aloud. “Oh, Joel, my love. I wanted you to know. But I heared stories, terrible tales of men dying of homesickness at camp. Soldiers worry themselves to death over thoughts of home. You would, my love. You’d be sick if you knew there was another child here. One you caint see. I new that you’d be so happy, Joel, if you arrived home and saw me with a new baby but if you new while you were away…”
Joel frantically gestured for Lucy to turn the page. “If you was away and you new what you were missing you would die. You would jest die so I didn’t tell you. She’s so beautifull, Joel.” His voiced cracked. “She lookes like me, not you. Our boys look like you, those blue eyes. I see you every time I look at our sons. But the girl don’t. People say she looks like somebody else was her daddy. People talk, but I don’t care. I don’t care what people think. She’s ours, my love. My body is only for you, forever for you…”
Joel closed his eyes and Lucy could feel his heart ripping apart. He opened his eyes and managed to croak out one more sentence written by his wife, “My love for you is undying. If you don’t come home again, I shall see you again when we are reunited with the Good Lord.”
And there it is, Lucy thought. That says it all. Rightthere.
Jesse looked down at Joel where he sat, completely shattered and broken.
“I’ll never be worthy of her,” Joel whispered, his eyes taking on a dull, hopeless look. There was no way to atone for leaving his beloved wife to care for three children when he went off to fight in that pointless war. A war where he’d killed people and screwed around with a whore, desecrating his wedding vows.
Lucy could see all the progress Joel had made recently slipping away right before her eyes. She’d be damned if she was going to let that happen.
“So that’s it?” Lucy asked, her voice rising and her eyes blazing. “You’re just gonna give up again?”
“What can I do?” Joel asked, his face looking more haunted than ever.
“Don’t you think this is one hell of a coincidence that they happened to find Emma’s diary now? Now, after all these years? Now, when you have me to help you read her words?”
“What do you mean, darlin’?” Jesse asked.
“This is a message from Emma, Joel. She’s crying out for you! She’s telling you what you’re missing by hanging around here!” Lucy’s voice was choked with emotion. “Don’t you see? She’s waiting for you. She’s been waiting for you! You have another child to love, Joel. David and Mathew probably grew up and had kids of their own. You probably have grandchildren and great grandchildren. There’s probably a whole clan of people up there waiting for you to get your shit together and go join them!” Lucy screamed.
Joel and Jesse stared at her, stunned into silence by her outburst.
“Sorry,” Lucy said, shooting a wry look at Jesse. “I shouldn’t use such language in front of a gentleman.”
Jesse grinned at her.
Lucy touched Joel gently on the shoulder, even though she knew he couldn’t feel a thing. “It’s time, Joel. It must have been hard for her to raise three kids on her own, but she did it. Her work on Earth is done and has been for a long time. Now you have to go see how they turned out. You didn’t know about your daughter. So don’t blame yourself. She was a product of your love for Emma, just like those beautiful boys were.”
Joel nodded, his face twisting up with pain again. Lucy sighed. “I would give anything in the whole world if I could just give you a big hug right now.”
“Hell, even I’d hug him,” Jesse said gruffly. “I know this is rough, man, but Lucy’s right. Now you know you’re missing out on even more by staying here.”
“Everybody keeps telling me I need to go home, I gotta go home, like it’s some kind of choice. I don’t know what to do to cross over. It’s not like I can make it happen, you know? I mean, what do I do?” Joel looked helplessly at Lucy.
“I think for one thing, you have to feel worthy. You have to know in your heart that you’re worthy of crossing over, of seeing her again.”
“Am I?” Joel asked.
“You know what I think,” Lucy told him firmly.
“You really think this was a sign from Emma? This diary, you being here to help?”
“Yes,” Lucy said. “I believe that with all my heart. Sometimes I think she sent me to find you, to help you.”
“Finding Emma’s diary isn’t the only coincidence.” Joel said, the pain in his eyes finally starting to ease as he smiled warmly at her. “My daughter’s name was Lucy.”