Chapter 9 Thayer
THAYER
I took a detour after class and found myself knocking on the McCloud’s side door before opening it like I always did.
But this time, it was locked. I dragged in a deep breath.
Of course it was. They were on lockdown now that the guy was still out there.
I knocked and waited with my hands in my pockets.
Mrs. McCloud peeked through the window before a smile spread across her face, and she opened the door. “Hey, Thayer.” She looked over my shoulder as if expecting Kason to follow me in.
“He’s with Shay,” I explained as I stepped inside and closed the door behind me.
“Oh,” she said, likely confused by my solo visit.
“I just wanted to check on Giselle.”
“Oh, she’s out with her father.”
I exhaled a shaky breath, almost relieved that she wasn’t there.
It had been an impulsive decision to go check on her.
But the thought of what life would’ve been like if I’d lost someone else I cared about had been on my mind.
We may not have been close recently, but it didn’t stop the emptiness I felt thinking about it.
“That’s okay. I just wanted to make sure she was okay. How’s she doing?”
“It’s going to take some time, but you know Giselle. She’s tough. She’ll get through it.”
I nodded, knowing what she meant. Giselle was one of the toughest people I knew, but coming back from something like that definitely wouldn’t be easy.
“She’s thinking about going to Park City.”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“Kason didn’t mention it?”
I shook my head.
“He told her it would be good for her to get away, and she’s considering it.”
“Wow,” I said, surprised she’d want to leave the safety of her parents’ home so soon—not to mention spend five days with us.
“Yeah, Kason’s looking into getting a security detail so that she feels safe.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“How are you doing?” Mrs. McCloud asked.
“What do you mean?”
She tipped her head. “Thayer, I haven’t forgotten. It’s coming up on the one-year anniversary.”
I dragged my hand through my hair, needing a minute so I didn’t fucking break down in the McCloud’s kitchen.
Most people didn’t mention my mother. So, it hit hard when someone did.
I understood people avoiding the subject.
Why would anyone want to risk fucking with my mood?
Mrs. McCloud was different. She and my mom had been close.
She’d lost a friend. But she had no idea what it felt like to have her lifeline ripped away.
The emptiness that ensued was fucking brutal.
I had no real family left. And, when I gave myself time to think about it, like really think about it late at night when I was all alone, it hit me deep in the gut.
It’s probably why I stayed so tight with Kason.
I couldn’t risk having no one who gave a shit about me.
“Thayer?” Mrs. McCloud prompted.
I shrugged in response to her question, because it was all I could do.
“I understand,” she offered. “I lost her, too.”
“I know,” I said, shooting her a lame excuse for a smile. “I should head out.”
“I’ll let Giselle know you stopped by,” she said.
“No. It’s okay. I’ll catch up with her some other time.”
Giselle
I picked at the hem of my sweater, staring down at the frayed edge.
“We can start slowly. And go at whatever pace you set.”
I glanced up, thankful that my father’s friend was able to get me in to see a therapist at his practice so quickly.
Everyone knew what had happened to me, but they all felt helpless, not knowing how to help.
His offer to meet with his colleague, Rachel, was actually the best thing anyone could’ve given me.
I needed someone who didn’t know me—or care about me—to help me move past this. “I’ve never done this before.”
“Told a stranger all your deepest darkest secrets?” Rachel asked with raised brows.
I smiled, liking her more than I expected to. She was young—maybe thirty. She sat in a chair opposite me in her office, one that felt a lot cozier than what I’d pictured.
“Why don’t you tell me why you think you need to speak to someone like me?” she asked.
“I thought you knew,” I said.
“I know what happened. I don’t know why you came to see me,” she explained.
“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked.
She shook her head. “I know how I would react to a traumatic experience like that. But I don’t know how you did.”
“Shitty,” I admitted.
“Now, we’re getting somewhere. What does shitty look like?”
“Well, bad dreams. And, I jump any time I hear someone enter a room.”
“Do you think it’s strange that you have bad dreams?”
“Not strange, just irritating. I should be stronger than that.”
“Your subconscious doesn’t forget when it’s been through trauma. You may be able to occupy your mind with different things, but when you’re asleep, your subconscious is free to do whatever it chooses.”
“Damn subconscious.”
Rachel smiled. “I think you need to cut yourself some slack.”
“How so?”
“You’re allowed to startle when someone enters a room. You’re allowed to react. You’re human, and something unsettling happened to you. It doesn’t define you, but it will certainly affect you.”
“For how long?”
“I wish I could say, ‘one week.’ I wish I could give you a definitive end date. But it doesn’t work like that. You don’t work like that. Consider it a three-step process. You need to realize you’re safe. Then, your body needs to realize it. Finally, your subconscious needs to realize it.”
“My brother wants me to go away with him and his friends this weekend,” I explained.
“Do you want to go?”
“I don’t know.”
“May I ask why?”
“Isn’t it too soon?” I asked her.
She crossed her arms and leveled me with her eyes. “Too soon for what exactly?”
I shrugged, unable to put what I was feeling about it into words.
“Well, then let me ask you this,” she continued. “What’s the right amount of time to stop living your life?”
I tipped my head to the side, understanding the point she was trying to make.
“When I put it that way, it gives you a whole different perspective, right?”
I sighed. “I guess I’m just scared I’ll have more nightmares.”
“So, what if you do?” she asked matter-of-factly.
I considered her question, but no answer came to me.
“Let me ask you this,” she said, taking a different approach. “Do you think you’ll be safe while you’re away with your brother and his friends?”
“He’s getting security.”
“Sounds like he thought ahead to keep you safe.”
I nodded. “He thinks getting me out of the state—getting me away from the memory of what happened here—could be good for me.”
“What do you think?”
“I think I want to go, but I’m scared they’ll all see through my armor.”
“Tell me about this armor.”
“I…I’m always the strong one. The rational one. The one who puts my brother and his friends in their place if they need it. The no-nonsense one.”
She stared at me, clearly trying to dissect what I just uttered.
“I sound like a bitch, don’t I?”
She smirked. “Do you think you sound like a bitch?”
“Yes.”
“You sound like a powerful woman who knows herself.”
“Knew,” I corrected her. “Knew herself.”
She didn’t press me on that and switched gears. “Tell me about your boutique.”
I winced.
She tilted her head. “Would that be difficult to talk about?”
“And not think about that night? Yes.”
“Understood. But, I’d love to hear why you opened it in the first place,” she prompted.
“It combined two of my interests. Fashion and money. I always wanted to run my own business.”
“And you were twenty-one when you opened it?” she asked, clearly already knowing the answer.
I nodded. “My boyfriend is a silent partner. He helped me get started. But I do everything for it. He’s just there if I need advice.”
“Sounds like someone who supports you,” she said.
I shrugged because I wasn’t sure that’s what he did anymore.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did I misread things?”
“I have no idea about anything anymore,” I explained. “It’s like that night turned everything in my life upside down. Anything I was the least bit confused about before feels foreign now.”
“Life as you know it will return to normal. It’s just going to take time.”
I closed my eyes, wishing I knew how much time it would actually take to regain control of my life. To recapture my sanity. To live without fear.