Chapter 5
FIVE
Instead of heading home to sit in my apartment, I ask Maren to drop me off at Jayden’s.
It’s dark out, and the air feels weirdly still.
On a warm summer night like this, people usually sit on the benches outside his building, chatting, but tonight no one’s around.
Maybe they’re all inside, curled up on their couches. A bunch of happy couples.
I reach for the passenger door to get out, but Maren gently puts her hand on my back. “You’re going to be okay,” she says, wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug. She’s said that to me before, but that was over my favorite lipstick shade being discontinued.
I rest my head on her shoulder and breathe in the familiar and comforting scents of her almond body lotion and apple shampoo. “Do you think my parents will stay broken up?” It’s hard to even say the words out loud.
Maren lets out a breath and slowly shakes her head.
She sits back and absently picks at a loose thread hanging from the edge of her jean shorts.
“Honestly? I don’t know if they’ll get back together,” she says quietly.
“But we can always hope that this is just a phase and that she’ll change her mind. ”
I blink back tears. Something in the pit of my stomach doubts that will happen.
Maren’s pretty brown eyes soften as she scans my face. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay over tonight? We can watch movies, have some snacks and drinks, and talk about this more?”
“No,” I say. “I think I need to see Jayden right now. But thanks.”
Maren reaches out and touches my arm. “Okay, but make sure you call me tomorrow. Or before that. I’m here for you, even if it’s four a.m.”
“I appreciate that. So much. And I promise I’ll only wake you up at four if it’s catastrophic. I know how much you like your sleep.” I try to smile at her as I step out of the car.
“Lexi?” Maren says with a super serious look on her face.
“Yeah?”
“It’s hard to break up an Aquarius woman and a Gemini man, but if you’re going to try, you should stir up some drama.” She lowers her voice mysteriously, like she’s letting me in on one of the deepest secrets of the universe. “Neither sign likes to be in heavy, emotional situations.”
“Okay,” I say, trying to keep the skepticism out of my voice. “Thanks. I’ll keep that in mind.” I close the passenger side door and slowly walk along the sidewalk toward the building’s entrance, the soft glow of streetlights casting long shadows ahead of me.
It’s one of those clear nights, when Jayden and I usually step out onto his balcony and point out the only two constellations we know: the Big Dipper and Orion’s Belt.
Tonight, all I want is to curl up in a fetal position, preferably under a soft blanket.
I let myself into Jayden’s building, trudge up the stairs, unlock his door, and step inside.
It’s quiet and dark—he’s probably asleep.
Out of nowhere, Hairball launches himself off the bookshelf and I let out a muffled scream.
“What do you have against me?” I whisper. I used to bring him fancy cat treats shaped like tiny fish and little mice with bow ties, only sold at specialty kitty boutiques, but not even that worked. Can’t cats tell when humans are devastated so they can be a little nicer than usual?
Jayden shuffles out of the bedroom, rubbing his eyes and putting on his glasses. “Are you okay? I thought I heard someone scream.”
“Yeah, your cat just tried to kill me. Again. No big deal.”
Jayden kneels over and pets Hairball lovingly. “This little guy? How could you think that? He probably just got startled when he heard you come in.”
“If you say so.” That cat’s been trying to edge me out since the day Jayden and I met.
He spent the entire night pouncing on my feet, like he was trying to make me trip.
Jayden tried to convince me that Hairball loved me, that he was “hugging my legs so I wouldn’t go home,” but I know better.
Who knew cats could be gaslighting experts?
Jayden thinks I’m being paranoid, but meanwhile his darling fur baby is literally trying to murder me.
Jayden stands and pushes his dark curls off his forehead. “How did it go tonight?”
“Fucking terrible,” I answer. “I think I need to lie down.”
“That bad?” Jayden lets out a low whistle. He follows me to his room and flips on the lamp on the nightstand.
I dive under the covers, still fully dressed, and he climbs in next to me. Hot tears sting my eyes, and this time I let them slide freely down my face, soaking the pillowcase.
Under the covers, Jayden gently runs a finger along my arm. “Did you end up talking to them?” he asks softly.
“No,” I whimper. “Part of me thinks there’s no point.”
“Why not?”
“I think my mom’s in love with him,” I admit. “I’ve never seen her face like that. She seemed so . . . happy.” I cry even harder, and Jayden gives me a moment. When I finally calm down a little, he continues talking, just above a whisper.
“So . . . you’re just going to let them continue this affair without warning your mom about how much she’ll regret this when the lust fades? Cause that’s what it probably is . . . lust. It can’t be love . . . not yet anyway. You have to confront her. It’s not like you to give up, Lexi.”
“I know,” I whisper. This is Jayden’s idea of tough love, which I usually appreciate.
I like when he motivates me, especially his pep talks about not calling in sick from work when I’m perfectly fine and just don’t want to go.
In this case, though, I can’t bear the thought of facing this situation any time in the near future.
All I want right now is to fall asleep for a really long time, so I don’t have to think about any of it.
Jayden shifts onto his side and presses a soft kiss to my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs. We stay like that—his face nuzzled against mine, my tears soaking into the pillow, his arm resting gently across my waist. The warmth of him, the quiet of the room .
. . it all blurs together until my eyes grow heavy and I start to drift.
I wake up with a jolt.
For a second, I think I’m late for work but then I remember it’s Sunday.
Light is streaming in through the cracks between the blinds, and Hairball saunters across our bodies, making a noise too jarring to be considered a purr.
More like a chainsaw starting up. He wants us to stop holding each other lovingly, for me to vanish, and for Jayden to get up and serve him his breakfast.
Jayden yawns and rolls over onto his stomach, tracing a pattern on the gap of skin between my jeans and fitted tee. “You slept with your clothes on all night?” he mumbles sleepily.
“I was emotionally exhausted,” I say.
“And now?”
I bury my face in his comforter, breathing in the fresh scent of his fabric softener. “Now I’m slightly less exhausted but just as heartbroken.”
Jayden’s hand slides under the waistband of my jeans and he runs his fingers along the edge of my panties. “I don’t know about curing heartbreak, but I think I can make you feel pretty good.”
I lie still as he unzips my jeans and disappears under the covers to pull them down my legs and over my ankles.
He emerges from beneath the blanket, kissing across my collarbone and up my neck and behind my earlobe.
“I want you,” he whispers into my ear, his breath fanning across my skin.
He peels off my T-shirt and unhooks my bra, tossing them aside.
I notice the faint scent of his shampoo, the light pressure of his chest against me, the slow, even rise and fall of his breathing—and try to immerse myself in it all.
“Mmm,” I murmur.
Jayden shimmies out of his boxers and peels off his T-shirt, giving me a few seconds to take in his lean frame.
He makes his way over me, supporting his weight with his arms. I wrap my legs around his waist and he slips inside of me.
He moves slowly, steadily, and I try to match his rhythm, to sink into it.
I tell myself this is what closeness feels like, that if I focus hard enough, something might click.
But as much as I try to stay in the moment, my mind starts wandering back to last night, watching Mom come out of the hotel room with that look on her face.
Does sex with Jayden give me a look like that?
Has it ever? I focus on how stimulated I feel each time he runs his hands across my body, cups my breasts, enters me, and it’s fine, it’s good, but could it be wilder? More passionate?
“Give it to me harder,” I whisper.
Jayden makes a noise that sounds halfway between a surprised exhale and a moan and thrusts quickly a few times as he comes, then collapses onto me with a low groan.
He rolls over on his back beside me and takes some long, deep breaths. “That was as close as you’ve come to dirty talk before. You’ve never done that. Was it just that good today?” He smiles, proud and sweet, and I feel a pang of guilt for not being fully present like he is.
“I wanted to try something different,” I say, as lightly as possible. I realize that we’re heading into dangerous territory here but I can’t seem to stop myself.
“Different?” Jayden repeats, turning on his side, propping his head up with his hand. He regards me with his curious gaze; his eyes look smaller without his glasses. “Why do we need different?”
“We don’t need different,” I say. “I just wanted to shake up the routine.”
“Sex with you isn’t a routine,” Jayden says, his jaw tightening slightly. “Do you see it that way?”
“No. Wrong word. Sorry.” I shift on the bed, suddenly aware I sound more critical than I feel. “I just wanted this to feel . . . different, in a good way.”
“This is what I was scared of,” Jayden says with a sigh. He rolls onto his back and stares at the ceiling. “What’s going on with your parents is affecting us.”
I didn’t mean it that way. He should know that. A lot of stuff has happened over the last few days—it’s hard to always choose the right words. “Look, I’m sorry I said that. Let’s not make this bigger than what it is.”