Chapter 14
FOURTEEN
After last night, my head’s swirling like a snow globe that someone won’t stop shaking.
I’m feeling emotions I’ve never felt before and I feel like if I say them out loud, people will know what a shitty person I am.
I needed to invite Maren over today, needed her advice pronto, because even if I really am a shitty person, she’ll call me out on it but still love me anyway.
“So, you’re attracted to an Aries man,” Maren says, immediately cutting to the chase.
She’s wearing a pretty lemon-print dress, and she’s curled up on my couch—on the new navy-blue velour cover I ordered online.
Judging from the content look on her face and the way she has her cheek pressed up against my armrest, Maren clearly finds it very comfortable.
“Not after his mood swing. But I can’t deny that he’s caused me some complicated feelings.” I stretch out on the other side of the couch, but my arms stay folded. “Jayden’s such a kind, dependable person. I don’t know why I can’t just ignore the strange energy I have around Zach.”
Maren studies me silently. “Okay. Go on.”
I chew the inside of my cheek, then finally let out a breath. “Every time I see him, I tell myself not to get wrapped up in the energy field around him.”
Maren makes this motion with her hands like she wants me to keep going and cut to the chase.
I stare at the ocean print on the wall behind her, wishing I could climb inside it and forget my feelings for a few weeks.
“I started wondering about what his sign was when we were sitting at the park on the bench, looking at the beginning of the sunset, and it was quiet between us, but not like an awkward quiet, more like just this comfortable silence where neither of us felt any pressure to say anything at all. I haven’t had that feeling for as long as I can remember.
Whenever I’m around someone I don’t know super well, and it starts to get quiet, I feel so much pressure to say something, anything, so it isn’t awkward.
This time, I was fine letting it be silent.
I didn’t feel like there was a need for words. ”
“That’s the compatibility between your signs,” Maren says dreamily.
She sits up, pulls her knees up to her chest, and hugs them.
She’s totally in her element now. “Before I get started on that though, I’m wondering how the park came into the story.
You told me about following them to the resort and then to the dance class.
Were your mom and Nicholas at the park too? ”
I press my thumb into the couch cushion, watching it sink and rise. “Well, no, but we got busted at the studio and Zach led me to his car and took off to the park and then we just hung out there for a while, to calm down after almost being caught.”
“So, you calmed down by sitting on a picnic bench watching the sunset?” Maren leans in, eyes sparkling.
“Doesn’t this Zach guy feel wrong watching the sunset with a girl who has a boyfriend?
” Maren blinks at me twice, quick and pointed.
The silence stretches for a beat. “Lexi, you haven’t told him about Jayden yet, have you? ”
I suck in a breath and let it out slowly, through my nose.
“No, it’s not like that. It just hasn’t come up.
I didn’t really have a natural opening to announce that I have a boyfriend.
If I just came out and said it, it would be awkward and weird, you know?
Like, look, it’s your dad and my mom dancing to merengue music.
Did you know I have a boyfriend, and his name is Jayden, and we’ve been together since college? ”
“Not like that, you dork. You know what I mean.” Maren makes a face and throws a pillow at me.
“From the way you’re describing things, it sounds like you’re getting pretty close, and if you’re not interested in the guy, like you’re saying you’re not, then you should probably tell him so you don’t lead him on.
He sounds like he’s pretty interested in you. ”
“You think so?” I ask, and I can’t deny that I sound slightly hopeful. My body, and now even my tone of voice, keeps betraying me. I really need to get my shit together.
“Sounds like you need some time to think stuff through. And you should do exactly that. Take some time. It isn’t selfish.”
“Jayden keeps talking about marriage,” I burst out.
“And as much as I try, I just can’t picture that.
Like, I try my best to imagine us at our wedding ceremony, me walking down the aisle, him crying with how pretty my dress is and how hot my cleavage looks, but I can’t.
And us having kids? I can’t picture any of that.
And in my life, anything that I want . .
. like, truly want . . . I can completely visualize. It scares me.”
Maren shoots me a sympathetic look and rests a hand on my back. “Maybe you need a timeout from life for a while? Like a couple of days of not talking to anyone at all so you can think?”
“Well, it doesn’t look like I can do that. My sister’s getting married in a few weeks, and she’s tasked me with ruining my mom’s affair so her wedding isn’t a complete disaster and she can have all the points checked off on her nonnegotiable list.”
“So, you tell your sister you’ve done all you can and it’s time she had a turn. Like . . . now,” Maren says, chopping the air with the side of her hand to punctuate the words.
“I don’t see that happening. Gia isn’t exactly delicate with people. She’d probably run Nicholas over with Mark’s pickup truck. The last thing I need is for her to be arrested and sent to jail. I need to look out for her.”
“Not if it’s at your expense.” Maren sits up straight and crosses her legs. “Can you picture a future with this other guy? Wait . . . what’s his name? I feel so out of the loop.”
“It’s Zach,” I say. “I thought so for a second, even though I didn’t want to, but then he keeps blaming my mom for leading his dad astray and it’s pissing me off.
He says he’s very protective of his mom and he did apologize, but I’m protective of my mom too and I don’t want anyone trash-talking her. ”
“Aries men are known to be very passionate and loyal. He’s probably not trying to take it out on your mom but he doesn’t know what to do.
” Maren shakes her head slowly, grabs her glass of ginger ale from the coffee table, and takes a long sip.
“Regardless of that, I think you still have feelings for him. You asked about astrological compatibility, so I’ll break it down for you.
Your signs have intense chemistry. It’s hard to resist it.
You weigh every option. He’s fiery and passionate.
You’re basically opposites, and you know what they say about opposites.
” Maren caresses her shoulders sensually and makes exaggerated kissing noises.
“It’s not like that,” I say with a laugh and grab the pillow she threw at me and slap her in the legs with it.
Maren smirks at me suggestively. “If you say so.”
“Seriously though. Even having these thoughts makes me feel like a terrible person. I can’t do this to Jayden.
Here I am, angry at my mom for the same thing.
I’m such a hypocrite.” I sit up halfway, then flop back down again with a sigh.
“But you told me I’m compatible with Jayden too.
So, I’m going to work on reigniting that and ignoring any other cases of astrological chemistry.
My mom wrote back to the Via Match message, and we have a date with her tomorrow night.
Heck, she may have already broken up with Nicholas by now.
Then, I’ll never see Zach again and this .
. . situation . . .” I wave my arms like I can describe my predicament with a simple motion.
“Whatever this is . . . will be behind me.”
Maren puts her hands on her hips and gives me a look. “You honestly sound disappointed. You realize that, right?”
My cheeks flush and I shake my head. “No . . . no . . . I’m glad. This whole thing with my parents has thrown me for a loop.”
Maren’s quiet for a minute, staring at her lap, tracing the lemon print on her dress. “I have to admit something to you.”
“Shoot.”
“I didn’t want to tell you this before, because I like Jayden.
” She cringes slightly. “I lied to you about your astrological compatibility with Jayden. Your signs can work and everything, but as a Taurus, he craves stability. He can be kind of rigid. You like a little spontaneity. It can cause tension. You know what I mean?”
I give her a stiff smile. “But it can work. You said so yourself.”
“It can work for sure, but it’s not like fiery chemistry. I need you to level with me. How are you feeling right now?”
I scooch closer to her on the couch and turn so I’m cross-legged facing her.
“I’m confused. My parents seemed like their relationship was a bit dull at times but it was still solid.
They did the same things every week. I could even predict what they’d say to each other sometimes.
Then Mom just shocked us all and completely changed her look and started speaking in ways I’ve never heard her speak.
Like about sex and acrobatic Kama Sutra positions. ”
“Yikes.” Maren makes a face. “I always knew your mom as a lady who liked to make muffins, not someone who uses the phrase ‘reverse cowgirl’ in casual conversation.”
“Exactly. You saw it for yourself—she and Nicholas are like teenagers, their hands all over each other. But above it all, when she’s around him, Mom has this look on her face like she finds life exciting again.”
Maren grabs both of my hands and squeezes them gently, scanning my face as if she’s making sure I’m okay. “Yeah, I noticed that.”
I let out a slow breath and look down at our hands, grounding myself.
“It made me start thinking. Like, I’m in this job that feels like work, and I keep thinking of that quote, If you enjoy what you do, you won’t work a day in your life, or something like that.
The only thing, or person, really, that I like at work is Andy.
He’s fun and vibrant and doesn’t take life too seriously, and honestly, he’s the only reason I like it there.
” I take a sip of my ginger ale, then swirl the glass slowly, watching the ice cubes shift as I search for the right words.
I clear my throat. “I don’t like what I do.
I want to help people, yes, but not in the way I’m doing now.
I feel like a lot of people at that company just want someone—me—to hear them out, but it’s hard to believe that they’re actually upset about a missing hole punch or loud typing.
I don’t know. And then with Jayden . . .
” I take a deep breath and forge on. “We’ve been together every day since we met.
Together so much that I’ve barely spent any time here, in my own apartment.
And we have the same routines and the same favorite takeout, and part of me wonders if I jumped into a routine like my parents and one day I’m just going to snap out of it and realize that decades of my life have passed by without me really feeling anything deeply.
” I sit up straight. I can’t believe how good it felt to let that all out.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Maren can tell. Her eyes sparkle with surprise, and she nods slowly.
“Wow. You’ve definitely been doing a lot of soul searching lately.
” She looks at me thoughtfully. “This makes a lot of sense to me. These are all valid thoughts that you’re having.
What would you do if you could start fresh, right now? ”
“I’d probably switch my job to something where I could use my creative side a little bit more .
. . but I’d still live here because I do like it here.
It’s a great apartment. Maybe I’d change the prints on the wall, or change up the paint color, but I’d stay here.
And Jayden. Maybe I’d ask him to switch some stuff up .
. . like maybe we could try different places for dates.
Or go on a trip somewhere. He’s been mentioning that for a while, actually. ”
“It sounds like you need to talk with him and maybe suggest those things,” Maren says, resting her hand on my arm gently. “I’m sure he’d be up for that. Change up the routine.”
“He’s a good guy,” I say. “He really is.”
“You don’t need to convince me of that,” Maren responds. “Just take some time now and then to evaluate things and make sure the path you’re on is the path you really want to be on. I feel like what you need to do next will just kind of come to you if you let yourself be open to it.”
“You’re so smart,” I say, hitting her in the leg again with the pillow. “And beautiful. How are you still single?”
“I don’t mind being single. And besides, I haven’t met a Capricorn yet. I’m holding out for my Capricorn prince.”
“You know that there’s an option on Via Match to search by astrological sign, right?”
Maren’s eyes widen slightly, a curious smile playing at her lips, so I pull my phone out of my pocket and quickly make some selections on the site, turning the screen to face her and scrolling down slowly.
“Check out TrackStarrr. He looks like quite the catch, wouldn’t you say?
Would you like him to run around your track? ”
Maren tilts her head and gives me a long, slow blink. “Ugh, what does that even mean? You need to work on your sexual innuendos. That was really weak. I hope you don’t come on to Jayden with lines like that.”
I laugh but keep my phone where it is so she’ll give in and have a look at her potential lover boy.
Maren eyes the picture on my screen of the guy with short brown hair and blue-green eyes. “He’s okay. A little too skinny for me. I like my men like I like my steaks—a little on the thick side and very juicy.”
“Just give me a few minutes, I’ll find your Mr. Right,” I tease, scrolling further down the page. “There are plenty of juicy Capricorns on here, I guarantee it.”
Maren leans back, hands crossed behind her head, and smiles serenely.
“I’m in no rush. I’m in a good place right now.
When he comes around, he comes around. I don’t want to go hunting for him.
” She stretches out on the couch, and I lie back on the other side, our feet lining up with each other’s waists, perfectly comfortable in our silence.
I know it’s because we’re such good friends whose personalities complement each other, but Maren would say it’s because we’re a Libra and an Aquarius—astrologically destined to be best friends.